ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY

[tweetypie89]

I have many years of abuse done to myself.
When i was a young child,i drank got very emotional,and end up either in hosptal,or what happend last night.
Then speed found me,from snorting to injecting(something i never imagine would happen)
Realizing speed kept me soba,and stopped me from semi-self harming,and getting out of my face.
And the biggies crack and heroin.Along with years of prescribed medication.
I hjave been soba,but one to many things have happend i just wanted to escape thoughts.
Now i have used and i really want to put a stop on this before i totally relapse.
Ihave used over 30yrs been clean up on till now 3years.Why do i destroy myself like this?

[ginsa]

It's really sad, but sometimes the people we love are triggers. If it's not possible to distance yourself physically from them, try and find a way to emotionally distance. You need to take care of YOU first and foremost. I know, easier said than done, but it's critical that you learn ways of coping that don't include escape with drugs. Can you get counseling to help cope with the family dynamics?

At the time when I decided to get clean my relationship with my daughter who is still at home was very distressing. The added stress was crippling me and no way to get away from it. I had to learn to choose battles very carefully and let her do her thing and experience the consequences for herself. Letting go is hard. Letting go means to let their problem with what you do or don't do be just that...their problem. Does that make any sense?

Be strong. You hit a pothole but as you know, you don't have to crawl into it! You're right about guilt...it does no good. I read a book about it years ago and the author said to acknowledge that you are guilty of something, but don't FEEL guilty cause there's no benefit in that. Just self destruction.

[tweetypie89]

Tweety is to late,actually broke the cycle yesterdaysee if .knew this sight was here i would propably be looking at things differently now.But there is no one to talk to about emotional madness.So before you know id day after day you dont need.Oh god i need
some piece get some.Sure i relapsed but im not feeling guilty as if i do i would end up
getting more.I am not going to punish myself.Just wished never did it.Thankyou for your comments it makes it alot easier when there is a support network,you know you are listening from experienced people who have been through the thick otf it.Takecare now.

[tweetypie89]

See the comment i have written to worried 878 well rather than re-write can you read that to as the actuall story was about what is going on to make me get thoughts of doing
stupid things.I cannot hurt my parents,i really need to divorce my mum in a kinda way.As i have been soba for so long i can actually see what is happenning within the family,one minute freindly next minute its like youve set a bomb of,i cannot handle taking
the blame for situations especially as they are just ticking along in life one minute and
what have you done wrong next min,this is how i grew up to always the bad one and being soba and seeing for real with my own eyes i know this family wont befull of love only love to suit that day.hope not bored you takecae and deeply appreciate your comment.

[tweetypie89]

Thankyou for your support and comment i received from you.I am most gratefull.It is nice
to get a true honest opinion back.At my clinic i go each month get script and thats it.It
is true one day at a time is the best way forwoard,i relapsed yesterday as far as i feel i
wont be doing it again,although  it was nice to forget things temporary,but look there still
here.I am so paranoid today as i see or hear from my daughter every weekend,i usually have the baby on sunny day.3.00 came i txt no reply,i txt her best freind no reply,and this weekend my dads phone was broke but worked later today.I beleive she is in Cornwall but why secerets.Its driving me mad,but if i am right well that will be another
dig as why should i be bothered if she was to go.Anyway you takecare.

[tweetypie89]

We definatly are our own worst enemies.But depending on individiual paths that we have
all taken.And mine ended up being the worst path ever.I wouldnt say i ask for pitty but
when you have a family that drains you mentally it can really take its toll on you.Ive spent
the wasted years on missing alot of energy and time,and for some reason one day your 20 then 47.I have stayed soba for 3 years now,and yesterday i was so gutted that i
relapsed,horrible to say but i just got up ang got on with things and it ewas lovley not to
have my head full of bad stuff.See my mum seems to want to bring mre down its a weird
situaition,youd think theyd be over the moon im soba.Since my grandaughter has been
born as the year has progressesd,things started getting stupid, mum was getting touchy
about things,try reassuring her and it would give her more ammunition as im feeling
sorry for her.She gets a look on her face & it can look sad but god help me if i ask if she
is ok.We weny to Cornwall last weekend as they have brought caravan there,had it made
babysafe with decking right by the sea.All very nice.Anyway my stepfarther reassurred me there would be no heated discussions and he would iiron it out.An incident happend
which was totally untrue.He said i had an argument with my daughter and went of in a huff.My daughter had few drinks was getting stroppy i went for a walk thats all,i fell asleep they reckon they looked for me i was 2mins away i would have heard them.Well the whole point of this story is i have lost all faith in my stepfarther,my mother is trying
her damdest so i will raise my voice and look bad infront of my grandaughter,now i know
why i stayed down that ugly path as dealing with that life with a mother i carry secrets for
is soul destroying.If certain preople knew what i know my mum wouldnt be where she is
today.And my stepdad is so two faced just to keep piece he sticks up for mum if only he
knew what she is really like.hope i havent bored you,does it sound like i am still after
pitty as i really dont want that.Thankyou for your support and comments deeply appreciated.

[worried878]

I often think we r our own worst enemies..not a happy nor cheerful thought..but one that has occurred to me several times in my life...why do some seem to have lives that are always perfect/but we do not?  I do beleive we have some say so in our destiny...and I do believe some of us are just chemically deficient and end up on opiates or drugs to escape our darkness/our gloom/our continuous bad luck it may often seem...but in reality we have control of our lives//only we do and no one else nor do the drugs/they only make us lose the control we try so hard to hang onto...drugs cause us to lose ourselves//and in reality that is all we have...and we have to hold on tight..do the work that has to be done so we can catch up with humanity and hang in there...aftercare, education, often an AD for lots of us..but mainly taking control of what we allow ourselves to do....and always remembering we hold the remote control in our hands/and in our minds

[GA Guy]

I know exactly why you do it. The same reason I do. We're addicts. This disease is chronic. There is no cure. It is relapsing and remitting. Our best bet is to arrest it and work our recovery one day at a time. You've slipped. You've relapsed. The next move is the one that saves your face or your ***. You can't save both. A relapse is bad. But, it's only fatal if it's not followed by a new recovery and clean time. Get your tail end back on the right path. Lose the pity and take care of business.

[peaceinknowing]

You're the only one who can tell yourself why you do this to yourself. Everyone has a story, but we're all here to hel if you need to tell it. If you wish to get clean, then the best thing for you to do is just that...get clean!

[NeedSomeHelp19]

Hey tweetypie89 - I think that you need to stop, and really look at what you just posted. I am frightened that you may use again. Once is once, but you have to realize that you are an ADDICT and you will relapse if you choose to use again. You owe it to yourself,

3 years!!!!! That is more than I can say, and honestly quite incredible, you sound liek an amazing person and I think you will love yourself even more when you sober up, take a hot shower and thank GOD for the gift he has given you as sobriety is the most beautiful way to experience life.

You owe it to yourself.

All the best

mark