How I relapsed...

[Real180]

I guess I'm ready now so I'm going to let it fly -- I had a relapse, that's the bad news, the good news is that it was caught early enough before any serious damage was done. I'm posting this for 2 reasons, 1) I'm calling myself out 2) I see that there many new names on this forum that may find this valuable.

I'm almost 9 months removed from my last serious detox. I came off a 7 yr, daily pill habit so most of you understand what I delt with during WDs. Another thing most of you can understand is all the damage I did to myself and family during that time (money, relationships, mind, body, soul and etc).  With that said I recovered and was able to repair all of the damaged and was moving along at a nice clip for about 6 months. Then I hurt my back in late July and eventually needed surgery which I had in late Aug. after which I was prescribed pills (no, I did not tell the doc I was an addict). I new him personally but not personal enough to tell him my secret. With my wife at my side I had the surgery and she kept the pills on lockdown only issuing them to me as needed per the directions.  I finished them (never abusing ) and I came off them very easy with mild WDs and no cravings, I thought.

Fast forward a few weeks to my next doctors appointment, so I can show you how quickly we can go from recovery to relapse. I sat in the doctors office worrying about what type of pysical activity he will allow me to do until I went into the exam room and a nurse started asking me questions one of which was "how is your pain"? Without blinking an eye I said fine -- I feel great! Nurse was happy to hear that and still  offered me a RX for pills which I declined BUT for some reason that awoke an old friend of mine in my head -- you know that sleeping addict who lives in our brains.

Like I said, I declined the Rx but the whole ride home I thought about it or better yet me and my old "pal" had a conversation about all the reasons why I should have taken that Rx -- you name it we went over it and let me tell you my pal made some great arguments as to why I should've taken it...lol. In any event I didn't and it was over so my friend eventually shut up but didn't go back to sleep. My relapse has begun.

Another week or so went by and "my friend" would talk to me here and there.. I mean poke at me a bit it knows just how to trick me so I listened because it knows what I want to hear, it knows just what to say to me! Come on your not addicted to booze, your not addicted to weed, your not addicted to coke, your NOT an addict you just took it to far with the pills -- you made a mistake last time and took it to far.. I promise I won't let that happen again, we will do it right this time weekends only, special occasions, you deserve it, let's setup a plan and give this another try but this time I'll really, really, watch you. The wife, kids, friends and colleagues won't even notice plus I'm sure they won't even care as you proved to them your not an addict I mean if you were a "true addict" then you would surly relapsed months ago.

I bought it hook line and sinker... I erased all my old connections for pills but my "good pal" showed me how I can find them, what a good friend.. Lol.. My friend even dialed the number for me.. I mean this it a one of a kind pal, right? We went hand and hand together to pay for 3 - 30 mg Roxie's (my "new best friend" offered to pay but then realized he had to ask me for the money) so me and my pal skipped home with the goods.. We were so happy as we maticously broke the pills into various pieces and talk about our new awesome plane, which we named operation "Addict Buster"..lol.. (As you can see I'm attempting use humor to tell this story). We had a fun weekend, it was like old times and even though my friend told me nobody would care we were doing this my pal highly suggested we don't tell a soul and of course I listened.

Like I said the weekend was great and now came the work week.. Monday I was fine I didn't feel any WDs slept fine on Monday night and awoke refreshed Tuesday. My "new best friend" must have gotten up a few hours before me because as soon as I awoke and realized our plan worked my pal and I said hey what if we buy 6 Roxie's and celebrate tonight and then save the rest for the weekend? Come on our plan is working.. Let's do it! I mean this friend has been right so far so why would he be right about this? So we made the call and went over and decided not just to get 6 but let's get 8 while we are here that's like 2 weeks worth of stuff according to our finely tuned plan of how to handle this stuff.

Well I guess me and my pal miscalculated because come Saturday we were out. My pal said it would last but maybe we just messed up and didn't realize it was going to be such a stressful week so I had to take a bit more than I had planned. My pal apologized but quickly reminded me that I  have a dinner party on that night and to be honest I didn't look so good and maybe we might be physically addicted but we will fix it next week right now we need to be ready for the party and if you pull up lame your wife is going to know,  and you don't want to ruin her night. Again my friend was right so we remedied the situation and bought 8 more pills (I had a tough work week ahead of me..lol).. We went throught that by Wednesday and then my pal and I decided to get 8 more because of a few other weekend events planned. So we are on about 2 weeks of a full blown relapse I know that because I'm starting to get those old feelings of dread back, counting pills to plan my life, I was becoming more irritable, I was starting to get foggy, my wife and kids we starting to look at me differently,  my new best friend was starting to become a blood sucking, soul stealing BURDEN that I used to remember. I think I have to put  him asleep again. I tried talking to him to tell him that I want him to go back to sleep but he wouldn't go, the effer was dug in.

My new best friend was now becoming my worst enemy. I wanted him out and he wouldn't go and that's when the miracle happened, that's when I came home an my wife was sitting on our bed and hold my last 4 pills with tears rolling down her face. Before she can say a word my friend said, let me take this I'll have us out of hear in 2 minutes with the pills and he spoke for us.

I could not even hear what my friend was saying but I could only imagine, as the more he spoke the more my wife cried with a look of disbelief and the next thing I knew our bedroom door slammed shut,  the pills were left on the bed and my wife was gone. I heard her crying but my friend was speaking to me so I listened to him first. "Ok, I thought they wouldn't care but they do so let's tell them we will stop finish these and then give it a rest for a few days and then get back going next weekend" I said sure but why did she leave the pills? My friend said its because we won.. She just can't accept that we can do our new plan, so take the pills and let's keep on going!!! Then the door opened and my wife came back in and I listened.

My wife was still crying with a look of love and defiance and said, "I'm not going through this again -- it's us or them (pointing at the pills)" my friend tried speak again but I kicked him in the head and handed my wife the pills. Then me and only me spoke with her. My friend went back to sleep, at least I pray he is sleeping.

This all happened about a week ago so I've been clean since and I'm praying I stay this way. I understand more than ever that a relapse is always going to be around the corner if I'm not careful. Telling this story was therapy for me and hopefully someone new will learn from my mistakes.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday season.

[Chels44]

Bump for all the people going through this right now.

[Chels44]

Bump. Bc people need to read this. :)

[ScarrieAnne]

That was an amazing post and you captured exactly what we go through when we relapse, Ive had that same friend, and hopefully he is gone from my life as well. Im so happy you chose your wife and family and wish you continued sobriety. I loved the humor you injected into your story, as said above, it should be published, it is such an accurate depiction of the way an addicts mind works, which many non addicts can never understand. I wish all the best! X. Carrie Anne

[Krissy_123]

Wow. Reading this made me shiver. I thought I was the only one with that "friend" because I know I sure as helł wasn't inventive enough on my own to come up with 90% of the bullsh¡t stories I told my doctor every month to get my pills. Gosh I hate my "friend" he made me a liar and a zombie. He still tries talking to me over the last few weeks but I've managed to shake him off. I hope he doesn't come back. I don't need friends like that.

[Chels44]

I wanted to post on this to bring it up to the top. I think more people need to read this as it was an extremely useful tool for me. Idk if you get on anymore but if so, know that you are still helping people with your past battles. You definitely did me.

[Real180]

Thank you for the kind words and I'm happy that my very, very, long story was a catalyst to help push people ahead in their recovery!

As gnarly and others noted -- an aftercare plan was not addressed. I had voluntarily done a 90 in 90 then continued attending NA/AA meeting like 2-4 times per week. I did step meeting, beginner meeting, big book meetings and etc, but at some point I lost interest and stopped going. I TRUELY believe in the rooms and HIGHLY recommend them for people in the early stages of recovery and beyond if that's what keeps them clean. Why I stopped going well that's personal and anything I write would probably not make sense so I'm just going to leave it at that... I also want to say that I know meetings are there and I have no problem walking into a meeting if I feel that it was necessary to protect my sobriety...

Again, I am happy my story helped others as it really helped me writing it, even if it was very long...

I wish you all a happy, healthy, and sober holiday season!

[NeverAgain127]

Wow.   Powerful and you may have just saved my life.  

I had periodontal surgery yesterday.   Crown lengthening, which involves shaving my gums..(ugh)...the surgeon put in SIX stitches.  He also gave me a script for Vicodin...5/300.     I didn't fill it, and instead just took Advil.  The tooth throbbed and pinched, but I didn't give in.  HOWEVER, I also didn't throw the script away.

After reading your story a few minutes ago, I took the script for the pills and ran it through the shredder in my office.    

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

[PrinterAP]

Real your story gave me a sick feeling, I guess that's good because it just showed me when I saud I'd get off my Narco after Christmsd I read your story and Im fooling myself -it's starts NOW. My friend told me now with the Holidays is s bad time. The best gift I can give myself if to dump out my Narco... See ya, heading off to the toilet!

[gnarly_1]

Hi  it has been a wile and wish it where on different circumstances but it is what it is your store speaks a lot of truth relapse happen days,,weeks even months in the making.. you had a good thing going but the one thing I dident here was aftercare   getting clean is the ez part  living life on life's terms without drugs is a challenge we see it over and over again people think it is over when they stop the pills  IT IS NOT!!! the addict in you is waiting to pounce on you and with time it will this is a progressive disease that only ends in jails institutions or death if your really honest with yourself you can often find addictive behavior in yourself for a long time you must treat the illness or it will run and ruin your life  I have tryied most forms of aftercare but I did not see growth until I hit the rooms of N/A it is a simple progam that will help keep you clean and change the addictive behavior I go to 4 meetings a week  without out them I would be using in less then 90 days.. I  learned this long ago from experience I hate to here about relapse it s ucks but recovery is a choice some think it is a waist of time but will find them selfs using again keep in mind that voice in your head that ia screaming get loaded is out to kill you and will eventually will if you dont take the time for help   time to get involved with N/A or a counselor or your pastor from church but get the help you need wile your still alive  this is not a game your playing pills have killed more people in the state of arizona then auto accidents  you can see your best thinking got you hear again  I wish you all the luck in the world but aftercare is the real key of staying clean................Gnarly

[leahlee18]

Wow, thank you for telling us your story.  I have to admit, I did like the humor in it and all of that does hit close to home.

Good luck!

[hurtin4certin]

That was one heck of a read brother.  Thank you for sharing that, we truly cannot let our guard down for even the tiniest of moments for the devil is there ready willing and able to destroy what we work hard for on a daily basis.  Blessings in disguise.  Cheers friend, stay warm.

Tim

[kellygirll]

that was a great read thank you its a grim reminder that it can happen to any of us if we become complacent and let our guard down ....very dangerous thank you so much and best of luck to you I'm so glad you stopped after only a short time

[spider6]

Very good sweetie.  I'm sorry you fell, I'm glad you found your way up. Hugs xo

[smellzy]

wow u should be a writer ..you really made that good reading i think most of us can relate to this ..Goodluck   :)

[jifmoc]

Holy crap. That should be published. I wish everyone who comes on here could read that. I could feel every moment of that. Damn.

So what now? Through your whole story I kept thinking: "where is his aftercare?"