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Cocaine questions concerning parenting and vanity...
Hello,
I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.
However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.
I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.
So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet. I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.
I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.
My main concerns are;
1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health
Questions;
1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?
LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).
I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.
PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.
Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!
With love,
....
I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.
However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.
I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.
So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet. I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.
I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.
My main concerns are;
1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health
Questions;
1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?
LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).
I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.
PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.
Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!
With love,
....
WOW.....you have come full circle since I posted here last night!!
Good for you!!! Yea team (as we said in school). And that's what we are here, a team. Addiction is addiction, but coke and amphetamines differ in some ways. I have two loved ones addicted to methamphetamines. One of them has been doing them since she was 12 yrs old. Today.....this minute, she's in trmt. I don't think she has another relapse in her. And her kids are not in her custody right now.
She told me that she really relates better when she goes to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting. If you have a lot of ways in your city to GET coke,
you also have a CA meeting somewhere in the same city you can get to so you can soak up the experience, strength, hope and love of other recovering coke addicts. You will NEVER regret it.....they are actively living the life you want to live. Clean and helping others. That's how it works.
So glad to see your openess......see how much can happen in 24 hrs??
Blessings to you~
Good for you!!! Yea team (as we said in school). And that's what we are here, a team. Addiction is addiction, but coke and amphetamines differ in some ways. I have two loved ones addicted to methamphetamines. One of them has been doing them since she was 12 yrs old. Today.....this minute, she's in trmt. I don't think she has another relapse in her. And her kids are not in her custody right now.
She told me that she really relates better when she goes to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting. If you have a lot of ways in your city to GET coke,
you also have a CA meeting somewhere in the same city you can get to so you can soak up the experience, strength, hope and love of other recovering coke addicts. You will NEVER regret it.....they are actively living the life you want to live. Clean and helping others. That's how it works.
So glad to see your openess......see how much can happen in 24 hrs??
Blessings to you~
Don't beat yourself up. I'm glad you found this site. Keep posting and seeking help. I can tell just by the way you write about your daughter how much you love her and want to give her the best life possible. Just make sure you don't put your future in jeopardy with her. I'm sure she she would prefer a temporarily depressed mother versus a long term addict mother. IMO, you already subconsciously knew you needed to change. Sometimes, we just need a little push in the right direction. Life sometimes can throw unexpected challenges our way but we have to keep pushing forward. Don't look back to what's done. Look forward and work hard for that life you so want and deserve. Never think you are alone. I've learned there are so many caring people on this forum. Someone will always be willing to answer your questions. Best of wishes.
Thank you for your support you can do it I can do it this form is a special place
Your story really hit home I am truly sorry for your struggle and I thank you so much for sharing it with me you could potentially be saving my life
Don't beat yourself up. We have all fallen and gotten back up with the help of each other. The best thing you can do is get rid of your connections and stash. If you know you can score, you WILL. If you tell yourself this is NOT an option for you and that you are ready to accept life on life's terms (being tired, etc) then you are moving in the right direction. The anti-depressants take a little while to kick in, so don't give up on that. You just have to be willing to hunker down and do the best you can until then. I've been going to work in opiate w/d the past couple days and while it's not easy, I feel good knowing I didn't use to get through my day. If you feel you HAVE to have it to accomplish anything, then you are hooked and need to walk away from it before it's too late. That's how we all got started.
Have I lost control? Am I on my way to being in your position already? I feel like it might be too late? Will I find a way to get my dealers number again? I have money... And searching for a dealer in my city is so easy. I am scared that it's already got me.
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