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Cocaine questions concerning parenting and vanity...
Hello,
I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.
However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.
I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.
So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet. I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.
I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.
My main concerns are;
1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health
Questions;
1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?
LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).
I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.
PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.
Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!
With love,
....
I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.
However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.
I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.
So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet. I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.
I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.
My main concerns are;
1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health
Questions;
1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?
LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).
I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.
PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.
Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!
With love,
....
Thank you guys for sharing your stories. I guess you all felt
You would have control at first. It's only been two months so
I really have no idea what it will be like after month 6 or 7 or indefinitely.
Today I did use a little in the am because I was falling asleep
At work and I have tight deadlines to complete client accounts.
The anti depressants aren't kicking in yet.
I am flushing my stash.
And deleting my dealers number. I'm scared and hating myself.
You would have control at first. It's only been two months so
I really have no idea what it will be like after month 6 or 7 or indefinitely.
Today I did use a little in the am because I was falling asleep
At work and I have tight deadlines to complete client accounts.
The anti depressants aren't kicking in yet.
I am flushing my stash.
And deleting my dealers number. I'm scared and hating myself.
u really need to just stop..coke is a horribe drug..u think ur depressed now just keeeo usin n see how depressed u get when ur daughter getts takin from u , u lose ur home n car..it will happen,eventually.ur poor baby needs u.even thogh u say its only 1gram a wk that quickly will turn into 1gram a day than more n more.please just stop while ur ahead. addiction is an ugly thing.so post above u wont feel any wds so dont worry about that,ull just have to over come ur mind n thoughts.i myself have used coke n heroin for a long time n have to say gettin awy from cke was a hella lot easier. bein clean is awesome,make ur own happiness,dont need a drug to do that..get ur butt to the dr n tell him how u feel, sounds like u need aint depressants n maybe a mood stablizer well good luck n flush ur stash..its really hard but its the first step
I just want to second the last few posts made. If you are relying in any way on the coke, then it IS a problem. We all started out thinking we had control. In the early stages of my addiction I was your age with young children. Once in a while I used something to cope. Within a few years it was daily, then several times a day, then I became physically, then psychologically dependant. After my first rehab 6 years ago a year later I was hooked on another substance and here I am today...20 years later regretting all the years I lost out not being fully present with my children. All the times I put them at risk of losing their mother, driving around under the influence or with them in the vehicle with me. All the times I didn't feel well and missed out on time spent with them. It does start where you are. Addiction isn't about willpower alone. It is about surrendering to the fact that we don't have control over the drugs. Especially if we feel we have to have them. Please get rid of what you have and don't look back. Look forward to the future.
You are very smart and insightful, and to be totally honest, you ARE trying to rationalize what you're doing in your mind...weigh the pros and cons in a sense. You do that when deciding to take an antidepressant, or try therapy...not when you're deciding to use cocaine to combat your depression.
Someone earlier in the thread said something that is SO true, and SO important. One of the biggest problems this will cause for you is an actual exacerbation of your depression. You think you were depressed before? You already have experienced the "come down". That will just get worse and worse...and coke addicts have such a severe mental addiction that words like "fiending for" are used to describe the want to use. You will experience very severe bouts of depression in between using.
Physiologically, you won't become physically addicted, like you would with an opiate (like heroin). The addiction is all mental. For this reason, people were correct in saying that your doctor didn't really do right by you. There is no need to "taper" off cocaine. There are no physical w/d's, only mental ones. I get what you're saying, about the doctor's approach, but I don't agree with it. Did your doc recommend any therapy? That's a must for sure!
The BIGGEST risk from cocaine is a serious, life threatening medical event. Cocaine is the WORST possible drug you could imagine as far as how it relates to the impact on your health. It does and can cause heart attacks, strokes, internal bleeding (in the brain also). It can cause you to have high blood pressure that will never go away...the list is a long one. You may say, "well, I'm only doing a gram a day". It doesn't matter. People with minimal, occasional recreational use have dropped dead from cocaine. Am I exaggerating? Trying to scare you? NO. The effect coke has on the cardiovascular system is terrible...it's a dangerous, dangerous drug. Not to mention, you never know what's in it...it's commonly cut with all kinds of things....including toxic household chemicals.
There's only ONE option here, and I think you know that. Stop using, flush what you have, and cut your sources...never look back. And, dive into some serious professional help for your depression. If you address the depression, with meds, and therapy....you CAN get yourself back, start enjoying life again, and start being the GOOD Mom you know you are.
I'll be very honest with you...with the way you were suffering before, with your daughter, you were being very neglectful of her...and like you said, it was already affecting her. You are desperate to change that, I understand. But, making the decision you did just put you over the top in terms of poor parenting choices. You risk taking yourself away from your daughter tragically, and if you continue to use, you will spiral out of control...and parenting won't be something you'll be able to do.
The most precious thing in the world to you is your daughter...I'm sure of that. So, pull yourself up by your boot straps, quit lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself this is a reasonable answer to treating your depression...and get the help you need. Say goodbye to coke once and for all...it's the ONLY solution in this situation...and you're smart, you KNOW that. There's no way you can even SORT of find a way that this is okay.
Once you get the right help, you'll be able to be the Mom you want to be, the great Mom you are.
Lastly, NONE of us here are trying to JUDGE you, or just purposely trying to scare you. This is a forum FULL of people who have struggled with their own addictions. You couldn't have come to a better place for advice. The best thing you could do, hon, is learn from THEIR mistakes and head this off at the pass, before you end up in a bad, bad place.
Prayers to you...very best of luck. I hope you can enjoy the holiday season, knowing you made the right choice, for you and for your daughter. You both deserve that!
Someone earlier in the thread said something that is SO true, and SO important. One of the biggest problems this will cause for you is an actual exacerbation of your depression. You think you were depressed before? You already have experienced the "come down". That will just get worse and worse...and coke addicts have such a severe mental addiction that words like "fiending for" are used to describe the want to use. You will experience very severe bouts of depression in between using.
Physiologically, you won't become physically addicted, like you would with an opiate (like heroin). The addiction is all mental. For this reason, people were correct in saying that your doctor didn't really do right by you. There is no need to "taper" off cocaine. There are no physical w/d's, only mental ones. I get what you're saying, about the doctor's approach, but I don't agree with it. Did your doc recommend any therapy? That's a must for sure!
The BIGGEST risk from cocaine is a serious, life threatening medical event. Cocaine is the WORST possible drug you could imagine as far as how it relates to the impact on your health. It does and can cause heart attacks, strokes, internal bleeding (in the brain also). It can cause you to have high blood pressure that will never go away...the list is a long one. You may say, "well, I'm only doing a gram a day". It doesn't matter. People with minimal, occasional recreational use have dropped dead from cocaine. Am I exaggerating? Trying to scare you? NO. The effect coke has on the cardiovascular system is terrible...it's a dangerous, dangerous drug. Not to mention, you never know what's in it...it's commonly cut with all kinds of things....including toxic household chemicals.
There's only ONE option here, and I think you know that. Stop using, flush what you have, and cut your sources...never look back. And, dive into some serious professional help for your depression. If you address the depression, with meds, and therapy....you CAN get yourself back, start enjoying life again, and start being the GOOD Mom you know you are.
I'll be very honest with you...with the way you were suffering before, with your daughter, you were being very neglectful of her...and like you said, it was already affecting her. You are desperate to change that, I understand. But, making the decision you did just put you over the top in terms of poor parenting choices. You risk taking yourself away from your daughter tragically, and if you continue to use, you will spiral out of control...and parenting won't be something you'll be able to do.
The most precious thing in the world to you is your daughter...I'm sure of that. So, pull yourself up by your boot straps, quit lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself this is a reasonable answer to treating your depression...and get the help you need. Say goodbye to coke once and for all...it's the ONLY solution in this situation...and you're smart, you KNOW that. There's no way you can even SORT of find a way that this is okay.
Once you get the right help, you'll be able to be the Mom you want to be, the great Mom you are.
Lastly, NONE of us here are trying to JUDGE you, or just purposely trying to scare you. This is a forum FULL of people who have struggled with their own addictions. You couldn't have come to a better place for advice. The best thing you could do, hon, is learn from THEIR mistakes and head this off at the pass, before you end up in a bad, bad place.
Prayers to you...very best of luck. I hope you can enjoy the holiday season, knowing you made the right choice, for you and for your daughter. You both deserve that!
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