Even on sub I can't stay clean, hopeless!!

[tired_of_oxy]

Well the cravings finally got to me and despite being on 8 mgs of sub a day I still crave so bad. My house is a filthy mess because whenever I start to do something I get cravings like crazy and feel paralyzed. Yesterday I'm sitting there trying to do stuff and push the "I need a pill to do this" thoughts out of my head. It got really overwhelming and I ended up getting some oxy and cleaned for 8 hrs straight. Now my house is clean but I'm not.

I now have to go see my sub doc and he's gonna be mad. I'm going to tell him I need an increase and try to explain how bad I'm craving even on sub. I feel like such a loser but I've been dealing with crazy cravings for over 2 weeks on sub. Maybe it just doesn't help me like it does other people. I'm praying the increase helps me but I'm losing faith in myself and if the increase doesn't help I don't know what I'll do. I've even considered getting a maid service in once a week . I might do that because even though it's expensive it would take a lot of the mental cravings away and I won't be tempted to take oxy to get my house in order. I feel so bad that I caved but the place was filthy and after fighting the cravings for days and days I finally had it.

I have to get this under control. The last few months have been a rollercoaster ride from hell. I just want to be stable and be able to do day to day stuff without jonesing constantly. Help!

[tavia14]

Well first off you a not a loser!! Think about it what would you tell me?? Now that's cleared up pick yourself up and brush yourself off and move forward!! If you have anymore pills "just in case" get rid of them NOW!! Definitely talk to your doctor to see what he thinks but as far as taking anymore pills that's out of the question. We had a step backwards but now its time to put the steps forward again!. Geez its sooo understandable about wanting that energy badly..I felt that way alllll day yesterday but I want my sobriety more :)...you are my rock and together we will do this!!

[jrizzy303]

Oh yeah for helping around the house every day I try to do a little something. Incremental change is better than ambitious failure. read that in a book.

[jrizzy303]

How long have you been on subs. I was on them for twwo years. the past year I was back and forth from pills to sub and back. finally I stayed on subs. once you stay on subs long enough it is very hard to get high on pain pills. I felt great at 2 mg. But I was so sick of being a slave to those. I have been off subs for 18 days and I feel better clean than I did with that fake happiness and fake energy dont get me wrong its hard getting to the stay but every day you feel better.

[Crys833]

I know how you feel about the enregy and needing a pill to get things done around the house. That's why a lot of moms get hooked on those damn pills. I know that's a big reason I did!
After pills I would wake up in the morning feeling anxious and take a look around my house and feel hopeless. I just had to make myself feel okay with not doing everything in one day. I would tidy up every morning to burn some anxious energy and by 9am I felt I should be doing so much more. I'm at 25 days clean now and I'm just starting to do more and more around the house. I'm like you when it comes to the house. Sometimes I feel like I have OCD or something cause I can't stand anything out of place or messed up. My husband thinks I'm crazy, but he's a slob so he doesn't get it. I have 3 kids and it's a gong show sometimes.
Don't beat yourself up about the pill, just stay on track now and be proactive. There are some vitamin supplements and energy drinks that might help you, it's way better than a pill, right? I hope you can get the right Sub dose worked out for you soon.
Best Wishes :)

[tired_of_oxy]

You know jrizzy you might have a point. I've also heard the same things about less is more on sub. For the heck of it I might try taking 4 mgs instead of 8 for a few days and see how it works. If not I'll go up (with my doctors approval to a higher dose.

Newtothis, I have two young kids and yes trying to keep the house presentable at the best of times is a challenge let alone now. But I realize to change and be able to do things without oxy I'll need to do something. I really can't afford a maid but it would still be cheaper then buying pills. Plus having some help would lessen the burden on me and make the cravings not seem as intense. It's when the house has fallen apart and it's bothering me so much I literally lose sleep over it that I can't handle. I look around and feel like an utter failure. Never did I think I'd live to see a day where doing the dishes or a load of laundry would require a pill to accomplish.

I know it's my addict mind working hard trick me back into active addiction. And yesterday I lost that battle but I'm not giving up. Rather then let this relapse suck me in for another long run I'm going to take my sub once I feel sick enough, tell my friends in NA just how bad I'm struggling and tell my sub doctor that I need to find out how I can get stable on sub so I can function and not have oxy on my mind constantly.

I have to find a way. This is really life and death and I don't want to live a slave to pills. Even now on sub I'm still going crazy thinking about oxy and subs supposed to take care of that but it's not. I think it's a matter of finding the right dose for me. The whole time I've been on subs I've been struggling. Somethings definitely not right here.

[jrizzy303]

I just detox from subs and I was always told less is more. the less you take the better you feel. once I dropped to 2mg I felt better. But talk to your dr. Even then drs dont always know cause they dont take the meds. Be strong you will get through this rough time.

[New2This2010]

Hey sweetie I am so sorry to hear about your relapse. Hang in there and yes please talk to your Dr. I don't know if this may help but I will share this with you. My Dr first started me on methadone and while it helped the physical WD's immensley I still didn't like it so I went back and complained and he put me on the Hydro taper. Well now that I think about it, it wasn't that the Methadone wasn't helping cause it was I had NO wd's at all, but that it didn't give me the same "feeling" as the Hydro's and my addict mind took over. Are you having any physical WD's with the Subs cause if not then they are working and maybe your mind is just playing tricks on you cause its not the same "feeling" as the Oxy's. We all know that "feeling", you can't describe it, its just how they make you feel that you like. Talk to your Dr. though it may be a matter of increasing the Subs cause I don't know much about Oxy's but have been told its super strong like a synthetic Heroin almost so yes you may need a stronger dose of Subs, but again tt your Dr ok. As far as the clean house thing I can totally relate. That is exactly what has kept me from getting clean. My addict mind takes over and I "need a pill to do this , or that or this or that". Trust me I know! The maid service would be a GREAT idea. If I could afford it I soooo would do that too! I have a 2 yr old to take care of, clean house, run errands etc and I swear I can't do nothing without my damned pills, but I've GOT to break through that or I'll never get clean. I wish the best for you and please keep in touch ok!