i fell.on my face yesterday

[bama88]

I really really messed up. I went ten straight days with no opiods. I got into a huge huge argument with my husband. I can't even see out of my eyes today. To make a hurtful situation worst I used. I'm so scarred the withdrawals will come back full fledged. Anyone ever done this? Will one day push me back to the first day of it all. Help help help. I know I was bad I already know that. But I'm  scarred it will begin on day one.

[Dane74]

OH Bama88, i just read this entire thread and i see me!  I am in the same boat as you with the exception of hubby problems.  I have had my knee replaced 3 times and still i   have pain, i get it, i totally understand what you are going through.  Listen, you cant take that many pills like you did after being clean even just for a few days, PLEASE that is very dangerous and you are very lucky you didn't OD. I did the same freaking thing girl, i had 30 plus days and thought i could handle my dose that i use to take and after about 20 minutes i was so sick puked my guts up dizzy and i thought i was going to die, it scared the living poop at of me.  Please come back here you have so much support and friends on here that care and want to help, so come back and reach out, remember this is a non judgmental zone!!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Bama - you okay?

[ricart70]

m

[dempseysgirl]

I don't know if it will make you feel little better.. I went through something similar.. I was clean for 5 days and symptom-free and I took a half oxy because I got really upset.. We are fighting with our mortgage bank for a long time and they finally made a move and foreclosed on our house. My lawyer told me that they will have to reverse the sale, because it was done illegally, but between the time I got the notice in mail and the time I spoke to my lawyer, I broke down and used.. First of all, it didn't even feel good.. at all and! I had not good "high" feelings at all. I just hated myself after that.. I did learn a lesson though.. I hated myself so much for relapsing that I just don't want to do it again. It was not worthed.. at all!!! I am back on the track now and I know that at least I did go through that.. I tried it, I hated it, I hated myself.. and I have learned that it was just not worthed.. and I feel good again about my recovery and moving forward clean!!

[bama88]

Thanks kitty. I just don't like going backwards. It snowed here. Yesterday coming back from lunch I couldn't get out of car. Friend had to pull me out and up. It's bad when work says. Someone has to be with Tanya today. For safety.  I just got an idea!!  There is this man in wheelchair ill ask if I can hitch. Ride downstairs to smoke. That's a huge walk. I'm sure he'd oblige talk about a flirt he is. And easy on my eyes. Hmmm maybe that will work. And we could say weee lol. I know his wife we are friends so no bad thoughts lol

[bama88]

And let's talk about doctors for a minute. I trusted them to treat my knees not hurt them more. I trusted doctors with med. I thought doctors were here to help. Wrong wrong wrong. I've got a great ortho its the other one pain management. That guys a quack. He just give and give. He is a drug doc. I will never go back. If you argue he just does opposite. Gives me more and more. Both docs talk on my case. I'm so depressed I just feel like going into my cave and not come out. You all are the best help and support I've had. My big gripe is another detox. I'll check in this time. There has to be an alternative to this. I need help

[Bkitty]

Woah! Hey there sweetie nobody hates you or thinks your a pain in the rump.You are trying your best here. Im so proud of you. Youre taking the right steps. Im glad you have an appointment with an addiction person. I think that is going to help you a lot. Youre gonna pull thru this. I can tell. Hang in there OK. ~Bkitty

[bama88]

I've also got an appointment to see an addiction therapist next Monday too. I'm just stuck. Who knew knees could hurt for this long. Doctors are killing me one way or another

[bama88]

I gave in.... I got so cold and experienced a pain level I haven't been in in months. I could not move. I could not use the new knee leg at all. It happened before but this was at work. I tried stretches and got out ole granny claw. I couldn't get down the hall. My right leg swelled up like a tree. Yep I know ibprophen 800 I always take that. That's for swelling. I couldn't pick the leg up to take a step.I'm sorry I complain a lot but I will tell anyone who is thinking tinkering with the idea of any knee surgery run away as fast as you can. Run away as fast as you can.........does anyone know who made that famous. I know what I did is wrong. I just can't move. I've puked til I have no stomache. Popped so clean I could give a colonoscopy without the fleet. Sweated til my shirt was soaked. Coughed like a sick house. Watery eyes. I've been through the finger and back. But I have to walk. I will see my doctor Monday. The one that called in some 10's. I talked to him on phone. I've got a very caring doc.who knows I'm tired of pills..we talked. He knows what I take I don't doc hop. And were gonna try again. He reminds me no pain no gain. But I really do have a bad medical problem. He wants me to consider disability. I can't do that I have two worst off than me. I still went to na meeting. I need the words support and you.. please please don't hate me. I know I failed in stopping. But I did even for 12 days. I don't know about Sundays report other than scary. So I know my tolerance is low. I got relief on one ten. I've not felt any relief off one for over five years. I refuse oxies. I have stopped tabs before. Didn't like it but nowhere near as hard as oxies. All my fellow oxiesers ( new word I made with my intent to use) stay away from oxies. Oh I know you all think I'm just giving in. Your right to pain. Yes I craved. I craved to move. I craved relief. If anyone has had a knee replacememt please help me understand when this pain will go away... it is too much. I'm gonna talk about a new drug called nuchythia spelling is prob all wrong. Has anyone used. They say nonnarcotic. I need help. I have to find away to balance severe pain sevens a breeze its higher. I told.my coworker people in intensive care don't hurt as bad as me. I've sunk my battleship. I gave my meds to a new person I really really trust. She's been my bff from training and we've know another like a book. She knew i was and am hooked like a fish. She has bottle locked in her desk. I have no access to. I'm sorry for failing you all.

[ImDONENoMore]

And remember bama - remind yourself that what you're doing is GOOD for you - not some huge sacrifice that you are going to have to suffer through for the rest of your life.  This is the best thing you can do for yourself.  Seems a lot of the time we think we're giving up something that was good for us and that tends to tick us off and make us want to use.  Just try to turn that thinking around and remind yourself your body is THANKING you right now for treating it right.  :)  (no matter how much it hurts it's GOOD)

[ImDONENoMore]

I agree w/everyone - you just gotta find some kind of distraction to take your mind off those cravings.  They will come and that's why aftercare is so unbelievably important.  Everyone can usually quit at first it's the staying off them for good that trips us up.  And that's where aftercare comes in - therapy - meetings - talking it out with a loved one, a rabbi, a priest, anyone you trust.  You gotta get those feelings out to deal with them.

I know - you're feeling lousy and probably just want to be left alone.  And I get that too - just don't let yourself isolate too much or the thoughts will lead you to use.  Focus on today only - the rest will come as it's supposed to.

[JD1885]

It'll get better.  Just make it through it and in a little while you will be so glad you didn't use.  Keep your head up and try to find you something fun to do.  You are in our thoughts.  Keep it up!  It gets better!

[ricart70]

hang in there bama.you are doing good.the day is almost over just get through the rest of it .You'll be ok tomorrow will be better

[bama88]

Im in my own world. I want to use so bad. I am frustrated and feel shizzy. I'm just thinking reality really ***** now. But I'm here.  I haven't used. Today I have a big CRAVING. It's been all day long. I'm going in 1000 directions. Lots going on right now. Just wanna chill. This *****.

[ImDONENoMore]

Hi I was wondering too - how are you doing today?

[vicki595]

How are you today?

[celtics3466]

i too went ten days; 20 mg. perks and then used for 4 days, will this bring back the withdrawls?

[dede2121]

Hi bama. Sorry u are going thru this. Sending you a hug and hope things get better.

[paleflower]

I am just glad your back Bama, thank God you did not o/d, get up and keep walking, you can do this!

[vicki595]

Yes...that's very true.

[dominosarah]

I understand what you were all trying to do.  I also saw a very dangerous situation.  That was a ton of pills to take and she did make the comment she was suicidal yesterday.  The amount of pills would of done that.

[vicki595]

Bama has been going to NA meetings. So, aftercare is in the picture here. This was an unfortunate slip and I think she knows that...

[ImDONENoMore]

sara's right - I think we were just trying to bring some levity to the situation since you were so down this morning - just trying to make you smile.

But she's right - aftercare can't be overlooked.  In fact, it was the most important part of my recovery.  Good to look for that now.  :)

[dominosarah]

All kidding aside here, i hope you really take a look at what is happening right now.  It is a good thing you did throw up as that was alot of pills to take.  The situation with your husband is toxic right now but it is still NO reason to use.  I would get very involved in aftercare right now.               sara