Aa
Please help me if you have an alternative to me leaving my husband
Where to start..... For those of you that don't know me my husband is on oxycontin for severe back pain. He was on 640mg a day, and is currently tapering this down. He has managed to taper to down to 440mg in the last month which the doc says is very good.
However, the problem is with his sleeping (or lack of it). He has always had problems sleeping but since being on oxycontin it has got much much worse. We have both mentioned it to the doc who tells us that it is because of the oxy, however, since tapering it has just got worse.
Since xmas day there has been three separate occassions when he has become so tired that he has literally fallen asleep round peoples houses, eating, on the floor etc etc. Not only this but he hallucinates, he talks a load of nonsense and treats me like **** (which is soooo different to the "normal" him). I love him so much and have tried so so hard to help him but it just keeps happening over and over again despite him saying it won't. It has now happened two nights in a row, which is odd because he (after several hours of confusion etc) did finally crash and actually sleep last night. I have now reached the end of my tether and really cannot take any more, I have now ran out of options and the doc just won't help us. My husband is falling apart before my very eyes and our marriage is crumbling. Please if anyone can help us I am desperate!!!
Thanks for listening guys.
Karen
However, the problem is with his sleeping (or lack of it). He has always had problems sleeping but since being on oxycontin it has got much much worse. We have both mentioned it to the doc who tells us that it is because of the oxy, however, since tapering it has just got worse.
Since xmas day there has been three separate occassions when he has become so tired that he has literally fallen asleep round peoples houses, eating, on the floor etc etc. Not only this but he hallucinates, he talks a load of nonsense and treats me like **** (which is soooo different to the "normal" him). I love him so much and have tried so so hard to help him but it just keeps happening over and over again despite him saying it won't. It has now happened two nights in a row, which is odd because he (after several hours of confusion etc) did finally crash and actually sleep last night. I have now reached the end of my tether and really cannot take any more, I have now ran out of options and the doc just won't help us. My husband is falling apart before my very eyes and our marriage is crumbling. Please if anyone can help us I am desperate!!!
Thanks for listening guys.
Karen
Hi Karen,
Look into the Al Anon meetings for you. Your hubby will do what he has to when he is ready. Yes its hard to detach from a loved one, but, you cant get him well.
You should be talking about you,how its affecting you, how its making you feel. Thats were Al anon comes in. Act.....dont react.
God Bless
Look into the Al Anon meetings for you. Your hubby will do what he has to when he is ready. Yes its hard to detach from a loved one, but, you cant get him well.
You should be talking about you,how its affecting you, how its making you feel. Thats were Al anon comes in. Act.....dont react.
God Bless
Thank you snare2 for the words of advice, I will speak to my husband and look into AA meetings in our area, but to be honest I don't think he will go.
I am slowly learning to try and detach myself more from the situation but its so hard because I love him so much.
Last night we had a row, as he told me that Tuesday night (30th Dec - which if you look back is the night I posted my first comment on this thread) he took 4 tablets that the doc gave him to help him sleep instead of the prescrbed 2. We saw the doc Tuesday and told him about the sleeping problems and so he prescribed Amitriplyne 25mg tablets and was told to take 2 at night. Well because he said he needed to make sure to sleep he actually took 4 instead of two without telling me. So his actions Tuesday night I now know is as a result of him taking too many of these tablets and hence falling asleep on the floor!
He told me this three nights after the event, and I tried to tell him that if he had told he this before hand I would have at least known why he was so tired and fell asleep on the floor etc. As you will all know from this thread he was really nasty to me that night, and made things very difficult for me to cope with and as a result I was all set to leave him. Had I known what he was doing, my reaction to the situation could have been very different. I could then have put two and two together and realised that these tablets were stronger than he realised and worked a lot quicker than he expected, and because he took them quite early on in the evening, he tried to fight the tiredness that was kicking in, hence resulting in the confused tired state that he got himself into that night. As it was I had no idea what had caused him to get into this state.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now...
Thanks for listening guys.
Karen
I am slowly learning to try and detach myself more from the situation but its so hard because I love him so much.
Last night we had a row, as he told me that Tuesday night (30th Dec - which if you look back is the night I posted my first comment on this thread) he took 4 tablets that the doc gave him to help him sleep instead of the prescrbed 2. We saw the doc Tuesday and told him about the sleeping problems and so he prescribed Amitriplyne 25mg tablets and was told to take 2 at night. Well because he said he needed to make sure to sleep he actually took 4 instead of two without telling me. So his actions Tuesday night I now know is as a result of him taking too many of these tablets and hence falling asleep on the floor!
He told me this three nights after the event, and I tried to tell him that if he had told he this before hand I would have at least known why he was so tired and fell asleep on the floor etc. As you will all know from this thread he was really nasty to me that night, and made things very difficult for me to cope with and as a result I was all set to leave him. Had I known what he was doing, my reaction to the situation could have been very different. I could then have put two and two together and realised that these tablets were stronger than he realised and worked a lot quicker than he expected, and because he took them quite early on in the evening, he tried to fight the tiredness that was kicking in, hence resulting in the confused tired state that he got himself into that night. As it was I had no idea what had caused him to get into this state.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now...
Thanks for listening guys.
Karen
Hi Karen, been reading everyones suggestions to you. Its all good. Although I am a recovering alcoholic,I am also on meds at the moment, and struggling. I wont go into detail,but I do have a lot of experience, both "in the addiction" and out of it.
I suggested Al anon to you, and still do, highly recommend it. You have to understand that when a person is addicted, nothing matters but the next fix, its a very selfiish illness. You mustnt blame yourself, and although its hard, you mustnt try to get him well, only he can do that. You love him, your husband, the one who you fell in love with is still there, but in the depths of this, sometimes we would sell our souls for the next drink or fix, it has no reflection on you.
Detachment is a wonderful tool to have. It doesnt mean you stop caring, or loving, just means you love the person from a different angle. You have to learn to detach emotionally, and spiritually. Still loving them, but not trying to fix them. Dont know if you understand that, it might sound harsh, but believe me its not. You can see way beyond whats happening right now, yes nursey said he is a shell, thats true, but again, you can not fix him or the illness. Let go, let god is a saying in the rooms of AA. Also Al anon.
When I look back in hindsight, my partner, bless her, tried so hard to help me, I can see the effect it had on her. Even when we are in the midst of it, anyone trying to help and any kind of sympathy prolongs the illness. Anyone else reading this in recovery will know what I,m talking about. Some of us stop before it gets too bad, some of us really hit rock bottom, we,re all different. You must start to look after you first. Thats important. This illness, any addiction has a rippling effect, into family and friends, but there is help, love and understanding, and also steps you can take to help you thru it all.
Take whats on offer, there is nothing but good will come from it :-)
Good luck and God Bless
I suggested Al anon to you, and still do, highly recommend it. You have to understand that when a person is addicted, nothing matters but the next fix, its a very selfiish illness. You mustnt blame yourself, and although its hard, you mustnt try to get him well, only he can do that. You love him, your husband, the one who you fell in love with is still there, but in the depths of this, sometimes we would sell our souls for the next drink or fix, it has no reflection on you.
Detachment is a wonderful tool to have. It doesnt mean you stop caring, or loving, just means you love the person from a different angle. You have to learn to detach emotionally, and spiritually. Still loving them, but not trying to fix them. Dont know if you understand that, it might sound harsh, but believe me its not. You can see way beyond whats happening right now, yes nursey said he is a shell, thats true, but again, you can not fix him or the illness. Let go, let god is a saying in the rooms of AA. Also Al anon.
When I look back in hindsight, my partner, bless her, tried so hard to help me, I can see the effect it had on her. Even when we are in the midst of it, anyone trying to help and any kind of sympathy prolongs the illness. Anyone else reading this in recovery will know what I,m talking about. Some of us stop before it gets too bad, some of us really hit rock bottom, we,re all different. You must start to look after you first. Thats important. This illness, any addiction has a rippling effect, into family and friends, but there is help, love and understanding, and also steps you can take to help you thru it all.
Take whats on offer, there is nothing but good will come from it :-)
Good luck and God Bless
I know it must be tough for you .........it is hard to support us that are addicted when you havent been in on it. I would say the communication has partly to do with failure. If he told you that he wasnt going to take the second dose but then he broke down and did anyway then he would feel like he failed. I can only tell you how I feel as an addict. I would wake up and SWEAR I wouldnt take pills that day and then within the hour I couldnt do it. We beat our selves up every single day and sometimes we just cant take one more disappointment in ourselves. It is such a powerful thing. Hard to be on the outside looking in when you are trying to help but really just being there even if it is from a distance is helping. He has to get through this and eventually he can then come back to you .......right now he is a shell and all the strength he has he has to use to get off the pills..........My thoughts and prayers are with you and you can find tons of support on here.
Thank you, I know you are right, that my husband and the man that I fell in love with is still there somewhere, but sometimes he's buried so deep that its so hard to find him.
I think a lot of the trouble is communication. For instance, today he took 3 80's this morning, then tonight because he's so desperate to get rid of these tablets he didn't take his second dose tonight at all. Then about half an hour ago, I noticed he had "changed" ie he was sleepy, confused, slurring his words etc etc, always the first sign that he's not really 100% with reality, so I ask him about it and he tells me that he is withdrawing as he didn't take his second dose tonight!
Had I known I would have known why he was like this and not asked and almost caused a big row etc. I just need to get him to communicate more with me, tell me what he is doing, and then I can know what to expect and hence how best to handle it.
I know he is trying really hard to combat this and I am trying so hard to help him any way I can, but because I have not been in this situation kits so hard for me to understand.
Thanks for the support.
Karen
I think a lot of the trouble is communication. For instance, today he took 3 80's this morning, then tonight because he's so desperate to get rid of these tablets he didn't take his second dose tonight at all. Then about half an hour ago, I noticed he had "changed" ie he was sleepy, confused, slurring his words etc etc, always the first sign that he's not really 100% with reality, so I ask him about it and he tells me that he is withdrawing as he didn't take his second dose tonight!
Had I known I would have known why he was like this and not asked and almost caused a big row etc. I just need to get him to communicate more with me, tell me what he is doing, and then I can know what to expect and hence how best to handle it.
I know he is trying really hard to combat this and I am trying so hard to help him any way I can, but because I have not been in this situation kits so hard for me to understand.
Thanks for the support.
Karen
Do you remember how your husband was when you met him, when you fell in love with him, when you decided to have a child with him? That same person is still there, its just in hiding right now. Stick it through, believe me, youll become strong from it, just like he will and youll see the other side. The person you fell in love with will be back to you in a matter of time. The road will be rough and i know theres not much time for you and alot of stress, but if you wait you'll see that beautiful person you remember...
Unfortunately these pills change us in ways that we cant help and when its too late we realize its too late...but the truth is its never too late, and its never too late to live your lives together and happy like you once did. That man that you met is ready to start coming back...he'll need some help, but he'll come out....
All the love and strength....
_Ron
Unfortunately these pills change us in ways that we cant help and when its too late we realize its too late...but the truth is its never too late, and its never too late to live your lives together and happy like you once did. That man that you met is ready to start coming back...he'll need some help, but he'll come out....
All the love and strength....
_Ron
Snowflake
You're right I know I need to think about myself too. Trouble is I have a 12 year old daughter , my own accounts business to run (January time is the busy re tax return deadline being 31/1) as well as coping with helping my husband!! That leaves very little "me time". January will be very tough, but come February things will hopefully be easier. I get very stressed out sometimes because of how hard I have to work, and when I get stressed out I know that I sometimes snap at my husband and have very little time to help him as much as he needs sometimes. Anyone know any good de-stressing ideas?? I need to learn to cope better I think, its just so difficult sometimes. However, just venting on here helps, so thanks for being there.
Smartyetstupid (Kells)
Thanks again. He actually managed to go until 7.30pm before he took his tablets, and then he only took three. So he managed to cope yesterday on just 3 80's tablets. I know that he loves me very much and I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just a very very long tunnel and I hope that I can cope until we get to the end of it. I have told him that I have been posting on here, and as he is a member of here too he has said that he will take a look at this thread. I have to say that I am amazed at the response I have had on this. Its just such a help to know that others are there to listen and help in any way that they can, so many many thanks to you all.
Karen
You're right I know I need to think about myself too. Trouble is I have a 12 year old daughter , my own accounts business to run (January time is the busy re tax return deadline being 31/1) as well as coping with helping my husband!! That leaves very little "me time". January will be very tough, but come February things will hopefully be easier. I get very stressed out sometimes because of how hard I have to work, and when I get stressed out I know that I sometimes snap at my husband and have very little time to help him as much as he needs sometimes. Anyone know any good de-stressing ideas?? I need to learn to cope better I think, its just so difficult sometimes. However, just venting on here helps, so thanks for being there.
Smartyetstupid (Kells)
Thanks again. He actually managed to go until 7.30pm before he took his tablets, and then he only took three. So he managed to cope yesterday on just 3 80's tablets. I know that he loves me very much and I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just a very very long tunnel and I hope that I can cope until we get to the end of it. I have told him that I have been posting on here, and as he is a member of here too he has said that he will take a look at this thread. I have to say that I am amazed at the response I have had on this. Its just such a help to know that others are there to listen and help in any way that they can, so many many thanks to you all.
Karen
Today he has been upstairs in bed all day, but we did at least see the new year in together which was lovely. Without telling me (until just a few mins ago) he decided that he was going to try and see how long he could go without oxycontin at all today. It is now 5pm here and he still has had no tablets at all which is amazing. I have done as advised and just left him be today, just checked on him occassionally to make sure he was okay etc. Its cool that he has managed without tablets today (so far) but I just wish he had told me what his plans were!!
__________________________
Honey? He's doing this not just for himself, but for you, too. If we could all live freely in a drug induced state without affecting those around us, believe me, we would!
He loves you and he knows he has a life beyond the drugs... And I am sure that includes you. You're doing fine, chica. Just fine. Hang in there, keep posting, and share with him what you read! Help him in his struggle. It will bring you closer together and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
Remember, I am here if you need me. Vent to me, not your husband.
Kells
__________________________
Honey? He's doing this not just for himself, but for you, too. If we could all live freely in a drug induced state without affecting those around us, believe me, we would!
He loves you and he knows he has a life beyond the drugs... And I am sure that includes you. You're doing fine, chica. Just fine. Hang in there, keep posting, and share with him what you read! Help him in his struggle. It will bring you closer together and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
Remember, I am here if you need me. Vent to me, not your husband.
Kells
Pray to Christ, Even if you don't believe just say "if you are real, please help me". You have tried everything else. Why not?
My personal opinion after reading a little of these messages is that YOU need to do some MAJOR research on ADDICTION and to WHAT he is addicted to. ALSO, you definately need to seek out another Dr. that is more willing to help him.
If you REALLY love him....it is for better OR WORSE....
Addiction is one of the very hardest things a person and the people who love that person can possibly go threw. It takes lot's of SUPPORT for the person to become sober.
He desperately NEEDS YOU, I promise.....He doesn't realize how he's treating you because he is not sober AND he is WITHDRAWLING.....which is a LIVING HELL to go through...consider that too.
I know I am not in your situation...but can relate and hope I gave you some helpful advice?
Remember......do some reaserching.....KNOWLEDGE is key here!
Good Luck and Best Wishes!
If you REALLY love him....it is for better OR WORSE....
Addiction is one of the very hardest things a person and the people who love that person can possibly go threw. It takes lot's of SUPPORT for the person to become sober.
He desperately NEEDS YOU, I promise.....He doesn't realize how he's treating you because he is not sober AND he is WITHDRAWLING.....which is a LIVING HELL to go through...consider that too.
I know I am not in your situation...but can relate and hope I gave you some helpful advice?
Remember......do some reaserching.....KNOWLEDGE is key here!
Good Luck and Best Wishes!
you and your husband are going through some very difficult times right now but things will get better,you need to take care of you too sweetie so many times we addicts are so wrapped up in our own troubles we forget the ones we love thinking they will always be there and never realizing how badly they are hurting right along with us so again take time for yourself you can't help any one if you don't take care of you first.good luck to you and keep posting we will be here for you day or night
snowflake
snowflake
Bionic Man
Thank you very much for the post, you're right every post helps. Its comforting just to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing, and that people care. It's not easy at all. Today he has been upstairs in bed all day, but we did at least see the new year in together which was lovely. Without telling me (until just a few mins ago) he decided that he was going to try and see how long he could go without oxycontin at all today. It is now 5pm here and he still has had no tablets at all which is amazing. I have done as advised and just left him be today, just checked on him occassionally to make sure he was okay etc. Its cool that he has managed without tablets today (so far) but I just wish he had told me what his plans were!!
He's trying really hard and I hope that with the support of people on here we can get through it together.
Snare2
Thanks for the advice on the Al anon group, I never thought that they would be able to help but will def. give it some thought.
Thanks again all, and happy new year to everyone. Hope 2009 brings us all some happiness!
Thank you very much for the post, you're right every post helps. Its comforting just to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing, and that people care. It's not easy at all. Today he has been upstairs in bed all day, but we did at least see the new year in together which was lovely. Without telling me (until just a few mins ago) he decided that he was going to try and see how long he could go without oxycontin at all today. It is now 5pm here and he still has had no tablets at all which is amazing. I have done as advised and just left him be today, just checked on him occassionally to make sure he was okay etc. Its cool that he has managed without tablets today (so far) but I just wish he had told me what his plans were!!
He's trying really hard and I hope that with the support of people on here we can get through it together.
Snare2
Thanks for the advice on the Al anon group, I never thought that they would be able to help but will def. give it some thought.
Thanks again all, and happy new year to everyone. Hope 2009 brings us all some happiness!
Hi Karen,
I would highly recomend al anon to you. It is for family and friends of alcohol and drug abusers. I know your hubby isnt either, but what you are experiencing is the same, but the help and support from them is priceless. I would love to go into detail with you, but this blog would take forever!! Please try them, you can look on the net for info, and also there are forums etc. And you can decide from there. One of the first steps you have already taken thru somebody elses suggestion, by taking yourself out of the situation.
Hope you find the help need for YOU. :-)
I would highly recomend al anon to you. It is for family and friends of alcohol and drug abusers. I know your hubby isnt either, but what you are experiencing is the same, but the help and support from them is priceless. I would love to go into detail with you, but this blog would take forever!! Please try them, you can look on the net for info, and also there are forums etc. And you can decide from there. One of the first steps you have already taken thru somebody elses suggestion, by taking yourself out of the situation.
Hope you find the help need for YOU. :-)
Karen,
You got alot of responses however I guess you can always use one more. Your husband is on ALOT of Oxy as you probably know. Remember, Oxycondin is a form of Heroin and in the true sense he like most of the folks (including myself) are addicts. This drug affects people differently. My wife is something like your husband doing "goofy" things........it's almost like she's a different person. I told her last week that if she didn't get clean with me she's off to a Rehab but what I know about addiction she's got to want to get clean and I'm not sure she's there. Anyway, I do believe we take our spouses for "better or worse" but if she doesn't get clean with me I have to worry about our two young sons and I'm not about to let them get hurt in any way, shape or form. I can't imagine life without her but I have these kids to worry about and even though we both developed a dependancy on legitimate pain issues we have the obligation to get off these when we healed - how do we even know our surgeries were successful unless we get off these completely? I know I'm tapering and things appear to be going well however I feel like you and want her to leave if she doesn't take advantage of this opportunity.
I really wish folks thinking about going on Oxycondin would read these posts. If I'd known things would have gotten to this point I wouldn't have touched them with a ten foot pole and if the truth be known, either would your husband. Good luck to you and you'll like everyone else in this forum will be in my prayers.
Bionic Man
You got alot of responses however I guess you can always use one more. Your husband is on ALOT of Oxy as you probably know. Remember, Oxycondin is a form of Heroin and in the true sense he like most of the folks (including myself) are addicts. This drug affects people differently. My wife is something like your husband doing "goofy" things........it's almost like she's a different person. I told her last week that if she didn't get clean with me she's off to a Rehab but what I know about addiction she's got to want to get clean and I'm not sure she's there. Anyway, I do believe we take our spouses for "better or worse" but if she doesn't get clean with me I have to worry about our two young sons and I'm not about to let them get hurt in any way, shape or form. I can't imagine life without her but I have these kids to worry about and even though we both developed a dependancy on legitimate pain issues we have the obligation to get off these when we healed - how do we even know our surgeries were successful unless we get off these completely? I know I'm tapering and things appear to be going well however I feel like you and want her to leave if she doesn't take advantage of this opportunity.
I really wish folks thinking about going on Oxycondin would read these posts. If I'd known things would have gotten to this point I wouldn't have touched them with a ten foot pole and if the truth be known, either would your husband. Good luck to you and you'll like everyone else in this forum will be in my prayers.
Bionic Man
I would just like to say a very big thankyou to everyone that helped me last night. He has only just woken up, and he was actually in bed when he woke, despite being on the floor when I left him. So I guess that proves that just leaving him must work as he found his own way to bed.
Anyway, I have just told him that my intention is to leave the room when he gets like that again as its the only way that I can cope with it. I have told him that its not because I don't care but because I do. Thanks guys, I'll keep you posted. It's not going to be easy but I will do all I can to help, which is a huge improvement on last night when I thought the only option was for us to split.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me.
Karen
Anyway, I have just told him that my intention is to leave the room when he gets like that again as its the only way that I can cope with it. I have told him that its not because I don't care but because I do. Thanks guys, I'll keep you posted. It's not going to be easy but I will do all I can to help, which is a huge improvement on last night when I thought the only option was for us to split.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me.
Karen
hi sounds like your both struggling with this he is detoxing but also making you miserable and feeling helpless anxious etc.. i put my wife through the same i dragged her into my opiate dependant life made her miserable thankfully she stayed with me. i am free from all drugs and its her turn for me to make it up to completely which i am i will never forget how she helped me- i could not have done it without her- its hard but stick with it you will EVENTUALLY reep the rewards im sure. good luck, peace.
Just be there for him!! They gave support groups much like this that you can physically go to the offer help to family members of addicts! I used to get soooo angry and moody on drugs and my other half which is the calmer half would walk away for a bit re group and finally after coming clean to him did he finally realize why I was the way I was! They say that certain situations in life either tear a couple apart or bring you closer together! I support you in whatever decision is best for you and you family!! Hang in there sister! With the right support and will to get clean I know it will be amazing in the long run! Xoxo
It's true torture going threw withdrawals and the desperation for sleep is the worst. If I had fallen asleep on a bed of nails, I would have been thrilled. And if anyone had woke me from that sleep, I would have gone for their throat...literally. Let him sleep. Walk away. Just let him know you're there for him and when he needs your help, he'll let you know. Just be there when he needs the support or something to drink or just a smile. He's going threw this torture and heII for a reason, I'm guessing the reason is you and your daughter.
Good luck to you and him.
Good luck to you and him.
ok guys its' now 4am here so gonna try and get a few hours sleep if I can. Will check again tomorrow.
Thanks to you all for listening.
Karen
Thanks to you all for listening.
Karen
Walking away does seem the best option and I'll try. Thank u so much for your assistance. However smartyetstupid you say "business be damned", trouble is without the business, theres no income (hubby doesn't walk due to his health problems), and no income we are all out on the streets, so I feel I am in catch22 here. Trying so hard to juggle my husbands needs and the needs of my business and income etc.
than remove you and hin into a room with out danger. and if he is threatening self harm 911 not just for after it happens EMT's have to know behavieral issues also
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