Feeling like i cant go on..

[Loveliveshere]

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.

[Amandag78]

Me too, sending you prayers for both you and your son : )

[Lilly1955]

Will prayer for you and your son

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Bama you are so wonderful.  I gave that same ultimatum to my father when I turned 18.  Unfortunately it did not end up well for us.  My father passed away 3 years ago still refusing to see me...because in his eyes it was my fault that he was still a violent alcholic.  Know one thing though...I don't nor did I ever hate my dad.  I just knew I couldn't live that way anymore.

You are an awesome parent!!!!!

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I meant if what you read you may have taken the wrong way or it hurt you feel free to PM the person and get it worked out. This forum works because we ARE family.  Families don't always agree, sometimes they argue but in the end we all love each other and want nothing but the best for the person they are chatting with.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

So awesome you went to a meeting...what a great first step.  I want you to understand...I don't think you want to blame anyone...but we perceived your words differently than you intended I think.  I'm not judging you nor is anyone else in this forum.  We all want the same things....for you to take your life back and for you to not lose your son.  Just remember we are all on the same side here.
  Please keep posting....we want to help you...and if someone says something and you take it the right way PM that person and work it out.  Okay?  We all want you to succeed!

God bless you and your son!!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Hon, it's great that you went to a meeting tonight.  Keep going. I'm not clear about your current status. Are you still using? If so, have you come up with a plan to quit? When do you have to take the follicle test?

We are trying to see your side of this, but it still seems like you are concerned what other people, like your ex husband, are doing.  Sometimes life just isn't fair, and the only thing you should worry about is yourself. You can't control anyone else, or what anyone else thinks. Stay focussed on you and your recovery, and let everything and everyone take care of themselves.

I hope you enjoy your visit with your son tomorrow. Working is good, and you do need to stick with it. I have faith in you, and you can do this. Just stay focussed on your goal. Take care.