Feeling like i cant go on..

[Loveliveshere]

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.

[jifmoc]

You went to a meeting...YAY!!! That's so great. I do AA, too. Lots of us opiate peeps in there.

You are listening to suggestions...fantastic! Keep it up:)

[Loveliveshere]

Yeah domino she is nasty!! And ive been thru withdrawls so many times. Taper and cold turkey..both are bad but easier when i taper. Its just the emotional part after thats bad. I took yalls advice and went to aa meeting tnite. There was a lot of ppl there thats had opiate probs too and i could relate to everything they said. I told them my prob and started sobbing like a baby and told them how much i miss my son. Got things off my chest and it did make me feel better. They were very nice and supportive too. Im going back thursday night. I justhad to go too bcus i went to the counselor today with my ex and something he said really bothered me. I told him that he hadnt lost as much as i have and he said "yeah i did i lost my wife" :( it hurts to hear that. And im sorry i know yall are just trying to help and i thank you a lot. If it wasnt for yall i wouldnt have went to the meeting. Going to try to get into outpatient next week too. Doing everything i can to get my son back. I have to! And purrfectly thats another thing. Im not putting blame on anyone again but my ex husband smoked weed sometimes when my son was in bed at night and drank alcohol everynite. Thats why i said idk why he can do all that and im being punished. But i know have to work on myself. Just wish ppl could see my side and i told the counsrlor that today bcus i feel like shes siding with him. But there shouldnt be sides. Its about our son. :/ told yall id update you. I see my son in the morn will be so glad to see him..ive missed him. I have to work all day after that til 10 at nite. Work is really tiring me and just trying to stick with it. Please keep praying for me yall thanks!

[dominosarah]

Noone is judging you.  We just told you the truth about this addiction.  If we didnt care we would go along with you and hope karma paid a visit to a few people you have mentioned.  If we didnt care we wouldnt even be on this sight.  As for grandma and the nasty chick, IT DOESNT MATTER what they say or do,   We have all stated our thoughts and talked to you about our experiences.  Now it is up to you to do something about it.  I hope you make the right decision~

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I have to go the tough love route too.  I was that kid...your son!  I grew up with a violent alcoholic father.  Right now all I hear are excuses for why you can't....."man up" and start righting down the reasons you can!  If you truly want to have your son you have to quit making excuses and get busy and get clean.  Get off the drugs permanently, get good aftercare....NA meetings are free and AA meetings are free.

Many of us couldn't get into rehab either...because we couldn't afford it or (in my case) nothing is available close to me.  We WANTED to quit so we quit without rehab....cold turkey.

If you want this so bad you can do it....just throw away the pills, cut all avenues of getting the pills, get rid of the phone numbers of your dealers, tell your doctors...and then quit.  Will it be fun?  No...but I'll tell you what...it isn't meant to be fun...it is meant to remind you of what will happen to you again if you relapse.  

If you choose to quit and WD cold turkey we can help you....we can give you a list of things to pick up at the store to alleviate some of the WD symptoms and we can give you lots of support.

My question, as that little girl who wanted nothing more than to feel like her daddy loved her more than the booze is...do you truly want your son to feel like you loved him more than the pills?  If you do you will quit talking and do something....quit!!!

I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you....I just want you to truly do what you need to do before you lose your son permanently!!

[Loveliveshere]

I will i promise..thanks. ill keep yall posted on what happens.

[jifmoc]

No one is judging you. They've heard it all. They/we've done it all. We just want you to LISTEN and take the advice that's been given to you.