Feeling like i cant go on..

[Loveliveshere]

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.

[dominosarah]

I told you this before and will say it again...You are in no place right now to be raising your son.  I didnt understand this when i was going thru my hell either.  You need some serious help with your addiction right now.  This isnt about your ex or even your son at this point.  It is all about you.  You said that this is all that girls fault.  It isnt her fault at all.  You placed yourself in harms way buying pills.  You have to get really honest with yourself here before anything will change.  Even if your son was living with you your addiction would continue until you do something about it.  I so know your pain and i am not trying to be mean to you at all here, i am just giving you the hard cold facts as i lived what you are going thru.  I dont want you to go thru what i did anymore.  I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.  I want you to stand and deal with your addiction.  Your pain will be alot less when you do.  Please think about what i am telling you.  You are still young and have so much life to live.  Dont waste another minute love~

[Jinx_777]

"Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom"

how about stopping abusing meds???

why isn't that girl in jail? did you  try to press charges?

you don't have to go to inpatient treatment to be in treatment.  you know what i mean?  just admitting you have a problem and getting intensive outpatient treatment is what you NEED to be doing to get your son back.

the court should pay for it.  do you have a lawyer???
you need to get that set up BEFORE your hair follicle test.  you also need to ask the lawyer if it is legal to make you get one.  

i know EXACTLY how you feel and i have been through it. only my daughter was in foster care (6 months old) and had to fight like hell for a year.  

visitation does tear you up.  i get that.  if you follow everything to the letter, you should get increased visitation and eventually overnight visits, but if you KEEP USING that won't happen.
i never touched a drop of alcohol during that time and never wanted to because i knew that they were looking for a reason to keep her.
they took her because they said we didn't have insurance on her and that was medical neglect.  long story, but she is disabled and we had just moved back to nebraska and she was covered under SSI.  but i still had to fight.

please stop looking at pills as a means of comfort and look at them like they are - THE REASON YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR SON.
they should disgust you.  

get a lawyer, set up outpatient treatment and do EVERYTHING they ask you to do (you do have legal rights with some things and a lawyer will fight for you).  you do have a problem.  you do need help.

if you are that afraid of that girl, it is a good thing your son is not there because he would be in danger too.  look at it that way.  she NEEDS to be in jail and if you don't press charges she will think she can do anything to you and you will just let her.  she NEEDS to be in prison

[bama88]

I've been reading your story and....wow...
I'm gonna be tough on you...I'm gonna tell you it straight up...

YOU DONT HAVE ANY REASONS TO NOT GO TO REHAB,,..  YOU NEED TO GO TO REHAB.....IF YOU DONT GO TO REHAB YOU WILL GO TO JAIL OR DIE OR BOTH....AND YOU DONT WANT TO DETOX IN JAIL...SO GO TO REHAB....GO TO REHAB....GO TO REHAB.

Now that I've said that I'm gonna say more....WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE...GO TO REHAB..

I know you don't want to go..but...whats gonna happen if you don't.  Your in a shiz storm of legal mess....and I'm scared that when you take your drug test you might get more than you ever dreamed or realized...and I don't see nothing good...
Your worried about all the wrong things right now....you can get another job.  But you can't get another you...you can't get another son...you can't get what you want or need until you fix yourself...I think you know this deep down inside of yourself but you don't want to do the work....you think that things are gonna work out...do you think you can take a pill and it will all be better..

Nobody wants to go to rehab....we just end up there...but there are times we need rehab.your head is so messed up right now because of the pills and stuff going on you can't think straight.....you think coming here and posting will get you something your looking for...and your right....we will tell you want is the truth because we've all been there...in one way or another...all of on here let those pills take over and our lives spiraled out of control...
And we all recongnize your mess...done that been there...so we say what we say out of love...
The beauty of our disease is it can go into recovery....and things will get better....but you have to take the first step....it starts with you...

Your in no condition to raise your son...your a danger to your son..your a danger to yourself in your condition....honey your not a bad person, your a sick person....and right now because you can't think straight people are gonna think for you....your running out of time and your running out of control..your running right into a wall...and we all want what you want..

So, you loose your job and find yourself...so you loose your job but you save your life...

YOU DONT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE....Drive to rehab right now....I know they would take you...

Why are you insisting in being this stubborn??  Why do you fight going to rehab this much??

I know your a smart girl....if you don't go to rehab and get help you won't get your son back...if you want your son back as bad as you say u do then go to rehab....

If this hurts your feelings too bad....I want you to get help now....I know you love your son, and I can't imagine not having my son or daughter around me.. But I went to rehab because my son told me to my face at 20 I can't live with you mom  I can't watch this anymore...I love you so much mom....but I can't do this anymore...so I'm gone...I won't ever come back until you get help...I love you so much....then he told me he was gonna take his sister too...
He moved out...we fought like two devils....three days later I went to rehab..
Just writing this to you made me cry....
I went to rehab.....now it's your turn to go to rehab....

Why are you still here??..

Go to rehab

[lulu747]

Love-

You have gotten some pretty amazing advice here and I really, REALLY hope you listen to it with an open heart.
I can't tell you much more than these warrior women above have but I can tell you this.
Right now, everything that you are doing is motivated by FEAR.  You are consumed by it.  The ONLY way to get the things that you want/need/deserve is to operate from LOVE.  Love for yourself and your son.
Putting pills in your body is not comfort.  It's fear.  It's not a loving act and therefore the outcome is always gonna be bad.  And it will continue to get worse until you do something drastic to change it.
The best way to get your son back and be the mother that he deserves is by getting some real help.  You need to humble yourself and stop laying blame at the feet of your ex and your dealer.  You are the one that made the choice to put pills in your body which has led you to this desperate place, and you are the only one that can make the choice to stop the insanity.
You need to see the opportunity here.  Your son is safe and being taken care of.  You need to take this time to take care of yourself and get the help that you so desperately deserve.
I would urge you to go to a meeting today.  Don't think about it, just get in the car and go.  Humble yourself and tell your story and begin the process of picking up the pieces of your life.
Will it be easy?  No.  Nothing in life worth having is ever easy.  But it is worth fighting for.
Act from love darling.  If you do this, the Universe will support you.
It always does.
You cannot erase the past, nor can you control the future.....But you have the power to act NOW in this moment.
Dump the pills, go to a meeting, and begin the process of living again, instead of just existing in this dark place because it will only get darker until the light is completely extinguished.
You can do it.
If you take care of yourself, the rest takes care of itself.
And we will all be here, cheering you on.
I promise.
Lu

[Ejm7263]

The court also loves to hear you go to meetings, have a sponsor & are working the steps.
I promise.

[IBKleen]

I pray that you take that first most important step and ask for help. You are not there yet. You come on here and tell us what you did after the fact. At that point we can't help you..the deed was done. The reason why we sit here and talk with people like you is because we have been where you are. We are offering suggestions for you to get clean but you have an excuse for everyone. I bet you don't have any excuses for copping your drugs.

Get humble and ask for help.