Feeling like i cant go on..

[Loveliveshere]

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.

[bama88]

Ibkleen said it best....get humble.....

[Merri123]

Everyone here is right. I understand you can't do inpatient rehab. How about outpatient? They will work around your schedule. You go there when not working. But don't sleep there. And you go to meetings in between both.

Then your life is work-outpatient rehab-meetings/working your steps-visitation with son-sleep. You won't have time to drive around town getting in trouble.

The pills have caused all your problems. They are the problem. Stop making excuses to use!!!!  If your s

[Merri123]

If your son is the most important thing, then focus on him. Takes tons of pictures of him and post them EVERYWHERE!!! Car, mirrors, work, everywhere. When you want a pill look at him, count to 10 and say no. Even if you have to do it every 2mins. It will get easier.

You will lose if you don't. You do what I have listed and pass that test or come close then you will win and get that joint custody. It is a long road but you can do it!!

[jifmoc]

Read what Dominosarah wrote again. She is correct.

[nursegirl6572]

Ditto ditto ditto all of the above replies.  They all took the words right out of my mouth.

Sweetie, you're playing the blame game.  You're blaming everyone except who you SHOULD....YOU!

You need a plan and you need to work like he** to put your mind to making this THE most important thing you've ever done.  Sadly, if you don't start turning things around, it's going to be harder and harder to get your son back in any capacity.  You're not in a good place right now to have your son, as hard as that is to hear.

Like DS said, it's time for some brutal honesty...with yourself.  Time to get humble, and time to accept that YOU have led yourself here.  The way you proceed moving forward will determine how things are going to go, whether they spiral out of control, and leave you with only your drug of choice, alone.

If you decide to REALLY start put pushing yourself HARD and working on YOU like you've never done before...and after some time, you will start seeing your life fall back into place.

Instead of finding reasons why you CAN'T do x, y and z.....find ways that you CAN!

Best of luck to you.

[Loveliveshere]

Thank yall. I knew i would get backlash though after writing what i did..its after 13 yrs of using though is why its so hard. Im not like others obviously who can take 1 and just quit..i figured that out a lonf time ago. The longest ive been clean which i think ive stated before was close to a year when i was preg with my son. I stopped being selfish bcus i knew i had another human being in my body and my conscious wouldnt let me. I need to be that way again. But with ppl thinking its so easy to just go to rehab i cant. I will be going to meetings and going to outpatient again (ive went before but it didnt work but trying it again) my lawyer and the courts havent even told me to go to rehab which is what i thought they wanted before..but they told me to get a job which i have and get my own place which im working on. Im trying thats all i can do. And i try not to put blame on others i guess its just how i feel. I dont do anything but work & come home to sleep. I have went to visitation on time to see my son bcus of course i want to see him & miss him so much. I hardly sleep anymore when i have the chance bcus its hard to sleep so im going to work exhausted and my nerves are tore up so its hard to get thru a 9 hour shift like i did today. Jinx do u have your daughter back now? So they didnt take her bcus of your drug problem? Im sorry i know it had to be hard for you and her :( breaks my heart even more bcus i know its confusing and hard on my little boy. I wish the girl who beat me up would go to prison..i think she eventually will tho..not just karma but she will get arrested i know. She cant stay out of trouble and shes dangerous so i know she will learn soon enough. Im afraid to press charges bcus if i did id have to admit i bouught off her. Her grandma has already went around saying i used to come to their house to buy. Its like never ending and i can never have any peace bcus of ppl like her. She will yell at me in public but come into my work and wont even make eye contact with me. Shes bad on xans and is just crazy. I know bcus i question my sanity at times bcus of pills but i wouldnt ever act like her and go around attacking ppl for the hell of it. But i know i do blame myself a lot all the time believe me. I always blame myself for how my life has turned out. And the pills do disgust me. I hate them but in a love/hate kind of way i guess. I hate how my mind works. But like i said i just wanted to come here and get things off my chest. I know ppl dont alqays sugar coat things and i appreciate yalls honesty. I just know i am trying. Harder than i was before and i just hope im trying enough. And thank you lulu..i think i do need to learn to love myself. I guess i havent for a long time. I know ive always been a good mom and ive always showed enormous love to my son everyday of his life. I just want to be better for him. Im already so busy anymore so i know adding meetings & outpatient will leave me little time to think about much. I go to the counselor with my exhusband tomorrow. The counselor is the one who was with me forvisiation with my son this past week and she even says she can see how close me and my son are. She says she is going to give good word for me in court but thats what she said last time. But shes seen up close and personal now what kind of mother i am. I keep saying i never thought in a million yrs when i gave birth to my son that id have to be supervised. Im just so mad still about the fight. I didnt go up to her and start the fight either i tried walking away even but not trying to condone it. I just want to make things right for my son like i said. Thanks again yall..i feel kind of like not saying certain things now bcus im afraid ill be judged. Like i said i know ive done wrong but trying to redeem myself. Hope the courts will see how hard im trying too.