cocaine abuse

[donpepe18]

i have a cocaine problem for 13 yrs now. My concern right now is my how much longer am i gonna live. what i'm about to say many find hard to believe, i sometimes can't believe it. I'm worried because since i first began using coke i've always gone a binges. For 13 yrs i've been doing coke for 2-4 days, every week. some weeks it'll only be one full day, but the grand, grand, grand majority have been 2-3 days... The only time i stopped using was while i was in marine corps bootcamp and while i spent 6 months in jail. I would even go on binges while on Chemo. I usually do 7-14g on average in those couple of days... i've seen so many people o.d with such little coke that its left me wondering how i've survived so many years, fearing my timing is running out, and just trying to figure out how i haven't o.d in all these years... where do u see me standing at da moment?

Also, i've always drunk alcohol while doing coke, usually start with a 24 pack the first day and by the second day move up to liquor. I just stopped drinking about 10 months ago, on a couple of occasions in the last 10 months i've drunk maybe 3 times, and just a case or a bottle. on of a lot of those binges i i would go through about 1-2 cases of beer and about 2 bottles of liquor (vodka, rum, whiskey, congac).

I almost forgot, i could go through 3 packs of cigarettes in about 24 hrs while on coke :(

I'm trying to figure this out and beat my addiction, i just can't find the way, it seems like the only way i won't do it, and peacefully, is when its not available, and i don't fing or have withdrawls for not doing it, its just when i start, i can't stop.

Please help, thank you guys.

[motye51]

It's your addict brain making u forget the bad ****! For sure! I only have 40 days clean today which for me is a freakin miracle! I don't know how much more your heart can take, do u?? That's a lot of ******* coke! A lot more than ive ever done or anyone I know? I think its time to move. Addict behavior, we all have it, and can't control it, u have to walk away! NOW!

[ActingBrandNew]

Well...all the things you listed above are obviously very bad but I hardly think you wont be able to recover. Its never too late unless you just give up. I abused my body for years with IV drug use. I didnt just "binge"...I went on runs...long runs. I ran my health into the ground but Im 4 years clean and feeling pretty healthy. The body is pretty amazing and Im thinking the biggest hurdle you will face is the mental recovery but it is very possible.

[donpepe18]

Montye51: Thats what i don't understand. when i'm in a situation where its not available, i'm cool. but if its available i can't seem to resist, knowing what its gonna lead too... so if i don't get high i'm cool, what i can't stand is that if its there, for some reason i can't say no. i've been trying to figure this out and its driven me crazy, becuase it doesn't make any sense. when da moment of temptation comes i always seem to forget of all da negative side effects, i've gotten to da point were i thought i might be a little insane, at one point i even tried accepting my addiction and thought  that i was just gonna have to find a way to live with it...

Actingbrandnew: the paragraph that u highlighted i did not explain properly. what i was refering to when i asked, "where you guys think i stand." I was refering to health wise. i'm worried that the punishment i've put my body through won't recover. I feel like i've already sealed my fate, I'm convinced that even if i stop now at 31 i won't make it to 60 due to health issues. But since i haven't quit, could my death be near? should i be preparing my loved ones for my departure, leave things ready and in order so when my time comes?

This is what i don't understand about myself, when i'm sober i don't seem to remember these little details, when i'm sober everything seems perfectly fine and when da opportunity arises to get high i seem to think or feel that it'll be aright this time, i convince myself that i'll only get high that night and then stop even though in all these years i have never been able to stop, until my body gives out... this situation does not making any sense, or maybe subconsciously  i don't care if i live or die. I don't know...

Thanks for the replies guys, I appreciate the concern...

[ActingBrandNew]

" i've seen so many people o.d with such little coke that its left me wondering how i've survived so many years, fearing my timing is running out, and just trying to figure out how i haven't o.d in all these years... where do u see me standing at da moment? "

I see you standing at a fork in the road. You can take one road and continue your drug use and likely end up dead or in prison. Or...you can take the other road and that leads to recovery. Cocaine addiction is one of the harder ones to beat but it can be done. Id suggest going to a facility and starting from there. I think cocaine addiction is hard to beat on your own.

Its time to make a choice.

[motye51]

I read this article this morning and what I thought was, I wonder if he never went into w/d because there wasn't a span of time long enough to go into w/d??? Or maybe, using again was b/c u were uncomfortable and didn't realize that w/d was starting and that's why you used again? I think u would need a medical detox, for sure! I don't know that this could be done at home? But I'm not a doctor. Keep us posted w/ what u decide to do.

[CRSeaside]

It is your choice. Stop or continue.  You know you can Quit. Change your pattern of thinking. B