Going down in flames...

[OIFMc09]

Well it happened yesterday:  the point where you can do as much oxy as you want and your tolerance says okay.  I did 300 mg. in two and a half hours.  The party is over.  I know it, but I still want more.  How can it be so all-consuming?  How do you rebuild a shattered life?  How do you take a ******* breath and not think about a pill?  In 6 monthes I managed to go from totally clean, in the best shape of my life to award winning junkie.  I can't keep it together.  I'm going down.  God help me.

[tellit2her]

Just seeing if you are doing ok today. Oxy's were my big downfall for the most and all the way to the end. It took me 5 years and well over 80,000.00 dollars, a 29 year marriage, nice home, pickup trucks, boats, all material and irrelavent things to figure out that I just might have a major problem. You indeed are lucky financially, and if you keep on with the habit I can only say hang on for the roughest ride in your life, because it wont take long and everything will be gone. I did remarry to a wonderful lady that supports me so much in my recovery, and by god I do not want to ever let her go to using again. It is sad that it took me to the brink of death to wake up and get some help and to work very hard on my recovery. So far at over 100 days, things are going well, but I do not ever ever want to get complacent, cocky, egotystical, and tell myself that I can do it now on my own. I will do whatever it takes to live a normal lifestyle once and for all, and to be a good husband and father to my grown children. I hope that you do well, and please keep in touch,, rangers lead the way,, god bless, mike in nc

[vicki595]

Hey!  Hi!!       I read through your post and could literally see a change in the span of two days!!    Please stay strong because you sound strong this time.  The sub is probably the way for you to go at this point.  I'm anxious to hear how you do/feel on it.

It's not silly at all,in my opinion,to be glad your credit isn't ruined!  Worrying about THAT would be a huge trigger!!
I wish you the best!
Vicki

[OIFMc09]

Thanks Mike.  i have been on and off this site for years under different screen names so I'm pretty familiar.  One thing I am relieved about is that I'm having this existential meltdown before any kind of financial meltdown.  I've actually managed to pay for all this crap this go around without running up the credit cards!  In the past I managed to run up $25000 in credit card debt in the span of 8 months or so.  I was fortunate to get called back into the military and sent to Iraq since it allowed me to pay it all off.  Otherwise my credit would most certainly be ruined.  I realize my life is on the line here and it probably sounds a little silly worrying about credit at this point.  I guess I'm just looking for a silver-lining in all this mess.

[tellit2her]

I really feel your pain, its why I am on this site often. Most of us have been there and have suffered extremely to the point of losing it all and feeling like crap at the same time. It is never too late, come on and visit this site and leave a message and ask questions. you are always welcome.. mike in nc

[OIFMc09]

Thank you for all your kind words.

Happyness - the military is a good thing, but it will definitely not cure you of your addiction.  I thought once I was in I'd be good to go.  Wrong!  I can tell you this:  the army is the only branch that will tolerate any drug or egergious alcohol related incident.  They will just work the **** out of you.  The other branches will bounce you out immediately.  The army will keep you in as long as you are otherwise a good soldier, you show regret, and you have a desire to change.  I got great at painting and pulling weeds!  I made a lot of mistakes, but I still managed to get out with an honorable discharge, the GI Bill, etc...

[happynessbythekilowatt]

I def have mad respect for you. I have been trying to get into the military but I can't because I can't stay clean long enough to pass a drug test. Hang in there bro.

[Cissy373]

First let me say, in my books you are NOT a nobody!!!! Sir or maam you served our country and fought for my freedom and millions of others so please don't call yourself a nobody.

My heart goes out to you as I am an addict too, and yes it's easy to tell someone to hang in there tomorrow will be better when we are drowning ourselves.......but that is what we have to do, put one step in front of the other and keep going.

Know you and everyone else on here are in my prayers.

Cissy

[pharma9]

Glad to see you are feeling a little better and much more hopeful.
Everything is within your hands.You can make it happen.
Perhaps the sub route will help you get on with life and feel more useful and valuable.
You are a good human being in a difficult spot,but you can overcome it and take any help you can get.
We wub you here and keep posting.

[gizzy32]

Hang in there man. As long as you don't give up and have some hope I know you will beat this. I remember once I was mean to you a long time ago in one post, but I didn't mean it. We are all in this together and together we will make it. Hope the sub helps and glad to hear your fixing this now. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE:). Good luck man, we are here for you.

[OIFMc09]

Sorry about the crazy posts yesterday.  I just want to say that I've gone back on the subs and I've set up an appointment with the VA to get a sub script, and ultimately an aftercare program.  I can't go on living like this.  It has to end.  I'm so much better than this lifestyle and I'm determined to right my wrongs, and find a sober way of life.  I just get so down on myself and I cry...endless tears for my mistakes.  I know that you all feel my pain, because you have been through it just the same.  Stay strong.  I'm trying to beat this right there with you.  And for those of you who have beaten this personal hell, I admire your commitment to sobriety.  Thanks.

Marc

[Frivolousz21]

don't give up.

would be a sad day for the human race if you do

[LeaAnn807]

You are so correct.  It is easy to give advice on how to quit.  Quitting is another matter entirely!  You know what needs to be done so that you can live life without drugs!  It is hard.  There's no doubt about that.  If you are a vet, then you KNOW how to fight a battle.  Do like pharma says.....tackle it that way....and WIN!

[pharma9]

I am sorryI did not answer your post till now.I just got here.
It is very difficult to be a war veteran and to be able to settle back to "normal life"
You have to feel self worthy to quit.You have to feel that your life is worth the pain.
Your experiences in Iraq will make you a stronger not a weaker person.
You are worthy...remember that ..you are worthy.
I think your life is worth a lot.
Tackle this addiction like you are fighting a battle to win.Make up your mind not to lose and keep posting.

[OIFMc09]

Thank you,  that is very insightful.  You think you know it all one minute, then you realize that maybe you don't know ****.  I mean I have been through this over and over, but just knowing that doesn't make it any easier.  I can give advice all day long about how to quit and what needs to be done, but when it comes to me I'm speechless.  

I know this sounds cliche from a war vet but I really wish I'd died an honarble death in Iraq, insteaed of having to face a life defined by addiction.  I had a chance to go out the best way possible:  young, ignorant and full of dreams.  Now I'm just a nobody wasting away with a ******* straw up my nose.  

I know I need to beat this.  I just can't seem to ever do it.

[LeaAnn807]

Here's what I think happened with me.  Maybe you too?

I expected the really bad stuff.  I mean those first few days where you can NOT do anything but want to die.  But....I also wanted someone to tell me when it would be over, and I would "become" the happy, energetic person I was before opiates. Guess what....there is no answer to that one.  Everyone is different.

You don't wake up after 4 or so days and say, " wow, that was bad.  Sure am glad I am back to normal now!"  It takes a long time of feeling so-so.  Not horrible, but not great.  That is where I am now.  Just "okay".  And it is no fun at all, but it beats the alternative.  I was spending every bit of energy I had to keep my self on something that was killing me.  

That "so-so" feeling is where lots of people relapse.  Or at least that is what I always did.  I couldn't take the insomnia, depression, lack of energy and just overall malaise.  I hope I can this time.  I am doing a lot differently.  

You say that you don't know how people do it after opiates.  I had the same question.  Still do.  I can't imagine my life without them.  What kind of person will I find myself to be?  Well....you don't HAVE to imagine life without them.  Just today!

Best of luck to you!

[petroglyph54]

Come on down, the water's fine! For me it was hero to nothing in 60 seconds, That stuff is fast and smooth, I do think we'd all like your company. Yeah, I think about leaving a mess to, a friend did, wow did that hurt everybody and ruin his wife's life forever, she now get's to do parkinson's alone. Give it a week or two anyway, Be well!!

[Frivolousz21]

yo brother..guess what...most of us relapse over and over and over....giving it a real shot to get sober is overcoming it..because no matter what you will come back to the sober train one day.  I have been there....I had a weekend months ago..where I took 75 ten mg vics....I used fetynal, morphine, and oxycodone all at one time.

please don't give up...go take a dose to get your head on straight, do what you gotta do..and please come back here and work out a plan to get your life back..ok?

[OIFMc09]

My legs hurt.  My mind is racing.  I have a loaded gun, but I could never do it.  I'm to much of a coward.  It's like I couldn't stomach having my family finding me in a pool of blood with a bullet in my head, but an overdose is okay?  Jesus what a joke!  How can our minds get so ******* warped?  I don't know how people find eternal sobriety after experiencing opiates, but they seem to do it everyday.  It blows me away how people overcome this.

[LeaAnn807]

Don't look at it that way.  Look at it like....this is my opportunity to get off this junk, because I see that it is going to take my life and laugh at me in the process!  300mg in a couple of hours is a lot, so yes, the proverbial party is OVER!  You can get back in good shape and be totally clean again.  It's not too late.  Is that what you really want?  Or are you tired of it enough to stop?  As long as you have a breath in you then you still have time to begin again!  I have many times.

You can do it!