Husband Wants to Come Home

[DeltaRedd1984]

My husband will be getting out of treatment next month and would like to come home.  My daughter (not his child) is currently living with me and refuses to live with my husband.  My daughter took a semester out of college last year and helped me save my home from foreclosure.  Today because of Al-Anon and working with my sponsor and working the 12 step program I do not have stress in my life.  I have found peace of mind and serenity.  My life is no longer filled with chaos and despair.  I love my husband but he has not been able to get his driver license back or a vehicle while he has been in long-term treatment.  Moreover, once he leaves treatment, he has a legal mess to clean up and will be immediately placed on house arrest until he goes to court for business burglary.  

My logical mind says wait – time is not my enemy.  I can not help my husband financially and he will be unable to contribute to the household until he cleans up his financial and legal issues.  We have been married for 12 years and separated April of last year.

I feel like I am abandoning him but I know that his parents can provide him with financial support and a place to life.

Am I being selfish and inconsiderate?  

[avisg]

You are doing the best thing for you and your child because she has made her feeling very clear about his coming back.and if he were to come back to stay will you in a way it would be enabling him ...He needs to face to consequences of the mess he has made its time for him to clean it up all by him self ...

[dominosarah]

I think you are being selfish and all i have to say is way to go!!!  You have finally taken control of you back.  I remember your first posts too and girl you have come so far.  Being selfish doesnt mean you dont care about your husband it just means you care about you and your happiness more.  You have been thru he!! and back.  Sit back and watch and see how your husband does now.  Actions speak louder than words.  You know the saying if its meant to be it will be.  Until then keep looking out for you and keep living your life....You so deserve it!!!          sara

[IBKleen]

Good for you! You are in my prayers. Whenever you need something, have a question, whatever, feel free to post. Someone is always here to help.

Take care of YOU.

[DeltaRedd1984]

I looked back over my posts.  So much pain, I could write a book about crack addiction.  I can now see what you are saying and will wait for the God of my understanding to make things clear for me to understand.  I know that in my husband's situation, time is not my enemy but my friend.  As the other posters stated, he has choices.  He can go to a half-way house, to his parents home or get a 1 room apartment.  I need to see how he handles everyday life stress without the aide of crack.

[IBKleen]

Hi Delta,

I remember when he was using and going into treatment. It seems like years ago.

I am so proud of YOU for joining Al Anon and getting your life on track. While I cannot tell you what to do, I just feel it would be a huge step back for you to let him in the house right now. As others have said, let him get his life on track and prove that he really wants his recovery outside of a controlled environment and then you can make a decision. Take baby steps.

If you need a reminder, go to your profile and look back on your earlier posts. I think it may refresh your memory.

You hang in there, take care of you!

[Htownnofrown]

As long as you arent enabling him to use by coming home, it really is a personal choice, no right or wrong. You have to do whats best for your serenity, and if that means not living with him, then thats what needs to happen.There are places he can go outside of your home.

[want2bme]

I think your inner voice is telling you what is right.  Listen to it!  There is a stable situation waiting for him...His parents know him and hopefully are aware of his situation.  (I imagine if he is on house arrest they will know soon if they dont know already)
It does not sound like you are turning your back on him at all..You are actually making him be more responsible for HIS choices.  It sounds like he should take some time to work on rebuilding himself before he expects to have anything to offer to you.  I hope that doesnt come off too rough but sometimes there isnt a nice way to say it.
Stay strong and listen to that inner voice~

[quitinoxys]

I agree with all the other posters he needs get his life on track for himself. It also sounds like he been enabled so long he doesn't now how, but its time for him to put on his big boy pants and get on with it.

[DeltaRedd1984]

He lost a good job and now works 25-30 hours per week on a minimum wage.  However, he did buy us a set of wedding rings (pawned his to the crack man along with his SUV) and claims he is saving money in the bank.  In addition, he is currently paying court fines  and tickets to get his license back; the last fine he needs to pay is $1000 dollars.  Next month, he will be paying for the ankle bracelet (monitoring fee) and the probation officer once he finishes treatment.  

Good God what a mess!  My husband in 45 years old and has business burglary felonies on his record and this limits his marketability in the job arena.  This will be his 3rd felony for business burglary in Mississippi.  His last felony was committed 13 years ago and he server time in prison for that.  

I feel like an idiot post this.  Folks, I feel like my husband's life is a lost cause and just want to cry.  Thanks for allowing me to post here.

[sway1]

i am shocked. i was in a long term rehab and part of getting a job and paying fines, going to court, motor vehicle problems etc, so that when i re-entered society i was pretty much already self sufficient. oh, we also had to find housing. all this before release. a 12 step program was also required. what the heck has he been doing? sitting around eating bon bons!? those kids of rehabs really jerk my chain!     sorry.
   you have worked hard while he has been gone to get your life back on track. he is a grown man, yes? time for him to be just that. for you and your child. sway

[DeltaRedd1984]

Thank you, I needed to hear this.  His parents do not live very far away and I can visit him on the weekends.  The next several months my husband's life is going to become chaotic especially with the house arrest and ankle bracelet.  I will encourage him to attend his meetings and to continue to work with his sponsor.  Time will allow us heal and to build a stronger a healthier relationship.

[cathy5841]

no girl you are not being selfish at all...ya'll need to take this time to get to know each other again...you have to put yourself first and keep the serenity in your life you have achieved...time is definately not your enemy and may even prove to be your friend...take all the time you need...keep us posted..

[refusingbondage]

I personally do not think you are being selfish or inconsiderate.  I can see how it might make you feel that way though.  Do not feel guilty.  You have gotten back some peace and solitude in your life and you want it to stay that way.  Dont ever feel guilty about that.

If you love your husband and do not want a divorce, I would try to work with him.  That doesnt mean allow him back into the home. But you can love and support him (emotionally).  Its a good idea for him to move with his parents, if they can help him. Are they far from you?  You can still see him and you can work on building a *new* relationship, built around recovery and trust. If he can stay clean and keep working on himself - which is the most important thing he will ever do in his life - then maybe your relationship can grow into something even stronger.

Its important for him to stay in a program (AA or NA) and continue to work on learnign to live his life clean and sober.  You can love him and support him emotionally while he does.  It doesnt mean your marriage is over.  

I hope and pray it works out for you both and I commend you for taking your life back and finding peace and serenity.  Good luck and God bless.