I am back and terrifed and embarrassed

[deannalynne85]

If I could only have stayed focused on this I was reading through here and I would be well over two weeks clean.  On day three I ended up going to get a script thinking I would taper myself down.  Well that didnt work either....I was to embarassed to post anything but this is just crazy.  I was miserable w/d and I have been miserable the past few weeks....so this is it.  I HAVE TO DO THIS.....I am just so terrified.  Hell I couldnt even make it past day 3 before and to top it of i will be on day 2 of w/ds and starting a new waitress job.  I found this sight such a comfort and even made a few friends but then was just to stupid to talk to anyone about what i was doing and now here i am again.  I just honestly dont know if I have the strenght in me to do this......but I dont have the strength in my to keep living the way I am.....I am just lost and embarrassed and very confused.  Most of all I am just so mad at myself.  So dang mad.

[deannalynne85]

and to you....you just said something that clicked....i will fail if i dont believe in myself.  I have to do this.  I am going to make this site my homepage and with everyones help and my strength to do this.....I AM GOING TO DO THIS......Now I may not have the same thinking tomorrow its just I know what is in store for me.  But maybe trying to work will keep my mind occupied for a bit.  I remember last time I tried this everyone kept telling me to keep busy and I did good to let the dog out.  This time it is a have to situation.  There is no turning back.  I HAVE TO DO THIS

[TheBigEasy]

LOL..you need to understand this is NOT your fault.  You were prescribed these...it's not like you were on the streets trying things.  Look in the devils face and laugh.  It's over...you WANT your life back and deserve it back.  Friday????  Deanna...you need to worry about Tuesday.  One minute at a time.  I can promise you, from experience, that if you stay clean until Friday, the WORST WILL BE OVER!!!!!  I promise you that...

[deannalynne85]

Thank you for the kind words everyone.  This life is no life to live at all.  It just totally ***** living life like this.  Being an addict isnt quite what I had in mind for my life but twelve years later here I am.  This job is so important to me and getting clean is just as importatnt.  I will take thebigeasy's approach and go back to minute to minute thinking.  I cant worry about Friday until Friday.  But going thru w/ds Friday is an eternity away.  This is just insane.  How did I even get to this point?  Why cant I be a normal person?  All these emotions and i dont know what to do with them.  

[TheBigEasy]

You need to think of each hour as a HUGE milestone.  Reward yourself with something after you complete a milestone.  After 24 hours, go get a message and relax for a bit.  The hardest part is the mental battle...you need to be strong minded to get through this.  You WILL fail if you don't believe in yourself.

[more0then0a0virus]

Have some faith in you. And TheBigEassy˙s approach might help you. Even if it is hard and sounds impossible and unreal(like to me), try to think that way. Appreciate the part of you that is strong and normal... Fight 4 yourself... Look at the positive side(You are winning right now. Your feelings just prove that...).

[more0then0a0virus]

I meant, did you take(not took) something in the meantime? Even if you had, you could say it... Don`t hide. No one will judge you... Just be here... And be honest, because that is the only way someone can help you and give you advise.,,

I hope someone else will come here soon to tell you what to do w/your job...