Aa
I failed. The rest of my story
I sit here totally dejected and ashamed with myself. I lasted as long as I could but today brought me much more than I could possibly handle and I took a pill. I had to so the anxiety/depression, heart palps and chest pain would ease so I could get to work.
Here's my story and I sure could use some advice. Starting in 2004 I had several major surgeries to save my life. Seeing that I was extremely anxious doctors gave me Xanax. Over the next 6 years I was in and out of the hospital with surgeries and procedures all the time I was taking Xanax off and on.
After the first year us when I developed pain all over my body which is when doctors gave me norco. I was the model patient and never ran out early.
At this time is when I noticed I was really feeling bad but did not know why. This went on for years. I asked my doctor about stopping the. Xanax and was told "this is a miracle drug and can be taken for life with no side effects.". Who would not take something with such a glowing endorsement from their doctor.
Kept getting worse and finally on Sept 20, 2011 quit Xanax cold turkey. Bad mistake but my doctor told me I would not have any problems. The next 8-9 months can only be described as hellish torture. On average it takes a person 15 mths to recover from short term benzo use I'm just now at 13 Mths. Benzos effect a body in ways that are unimanigable and I'm living proof of the horror that a person goes through.
Opiate wd lasts a few weeks. Benzo wd lasts a year or more. Anyway...there is another site like this one but the focus is on benzo wd support and several members there tried to talk me out of going ct from opiates. They said my body/mind was still to fragile to handle that kind of shock. Boy were they right.
Today would have been 17 days for me and I still feel like I'm at day 3. I did have a few good days along the way but can honestly say I don't feel any better mentally or physically.
The past week my life saw two major changes and I guess today it came crashing down. I woke up at 4am with a nasty adrenalin rush and the day only got worse from there. The anxiety was just too much for me and I had to have some relief so I took a 10mg norco. Im so tired of feeling bad and have no idea what to do.
I sit here in pain, insane anxiety/depression, shaking and chest pain/burning and am scared to death. I actually got excited around day 6 and thought I was headed for the life I once had but things have only gotten worse.
I've tried food elimination diet to see if that would help but it did not. I eat only organic but that has not helped. I begging for answers.
Here's my story and I sure could use some advice. Starting in 2004 I had several major surgeries to save my life. Seeing that I was extremely anxious doctors gave me Xanax. Over the next 6 years I was in and out of the hospital with surgeries and procedures all the time I was taking Xanax off and on.
After the first year us when I developed pain all over my body which is when doctors gave me norco. I was the model patient and never ran out early.
At this time is when I noticed I was really feeling bad but did not know why. This went on for years. I asked my doctor about stopping the. Xanax and was told "this is a miracle drug and can be taken for life with no side effects.". Who would not take something with such a glowing endorsement from their doctor.
Kept getting worse and finally on Sept 20, 2011 quit Xanax cold turkey. Bad mistake but my doctor told me I would not have any problems. The next 8-9 months can only be described as hellish torture. On average it takes a person 15 mths to recover from short term benzo use I'm just now at 13 Mths. Benzos effect a body in ways that are unimanigable and I'm living proof of the horror that a person goes through.
Opiate wd lasts a few weeks. Benzo wd lasts a year or more. Anyway...there is another site like this one but the focus is on benzo wd support and several members there tried to talk me out of going ct from opiates. They said my body/mind was still to fragile to handle that kind of shock. Boy were they right.
Today would have been 17 days for me and I still feel like I'm at day 3. I did have a few good days along the way but can honestly say I don't feel any better mentally or physically.
The past week my life saw two major changes and I guess today it came crashing down. I woke up at 4am with a nasty adrenalin rush and the day only got worse from there. The anxiety was just too much for me and I had to have some relief so I took a 10mg norco. Im so tired of feeling bad and have no idea what to do.
I sit here in pain, insane anxiety/depression, shaking and chest pain/burning and am scared to death. I actually got excited around day 6 and thought I was headed for the life I once had but things have only gotten worse.
I've tried food elimination diet to see if that would help but it did not. I eat only organic but that has not helped. I begging for answers.
To all my friends that responded I am deeply moved that each of you took your valuable time to try and help me during this crisis. Trust me when I say that the last thing I wanted to do was take that pill. I was scared that it would undo all the hard work I had put in but I can tell you that it did take the edge off the anxiety which was the goal. I knew that the effect would not last long..maybe a few hours at most..but at that precise moment that is what had to happen for me.
I have NEVER experienced that type of crushing/dark depression to that extent and have it hit me so hard so quick. I was completely caught off guard and truly felt I may not come out of that place. As I type this I can feel that this "wave" has improved slightly and I may be starting to feel better. I've never experienced something like this..even during the acute phase of my benzo wd which was pure hell.
I know that this forum is for opiate withdrawal which is why I did not reveal my experience with benzos. I knew that the experience and expertise here was with opiates and not benzos and that most here probably have never experienced detoxing from both substances like I have.
inkgirl is absolutely correct in saying that people do die from benzo withdrawals as the impact those meds have on the human mind/body is 100 times more intense than any opiate could ever have. I was given the advice that my health is my responsibility and that I should have questioned my doctors advice, prescirptions and directions and that person could not be more correct. The problem with that is at the time my medical problems started I never had a reason to not trust anything a doctor told me and that I could place complete trust in their training adn knowledge and that they always had my best interest at heart.
How many people here that first went to a doctor EVER questioned a script they had been given? How many people here ever questioned their doctor when they were given that first script for Norco or Lortab when they were sitting there in pain. Probably not one of us. I know I didn't.
I've received better advice and direction from the people on this forum than I ever did from my doctors. I've received more info from total strangers here than any doctor ive ever seen. I've been treated better by total strangers here than I ever have been by my doctors. Total strangers here care more about my health and wellbeing than any doctor ive ever seen. That alone is making me cry. WHERE WERE YOU PEOPLE 7 YEARS AGO! :)
The fact that I can come here when I'm scared, mad, hurting and freaking out is beyond amazing. The fact that strangers take their valuable time to try and console me, to try and get me through a rough patch, listen to me complain and sometimes seem unreasonable is beyond anything I could have ever hoped for.
Today hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been reading so many posts of others saying around 2 weeks or so things were coming up roses. At almost 3 weeks I was feeling so bad I thought I was a total loss and nothing I did was going to change that.
I truly tried NOT to freak out today but I guess I failed there as well. As I said...the depression/anxiety today was at a level I never expected which is why I was desperately reaching out to all of you in hopes someone might chime in saying they too had a similar experience with they did. That alone helped calm me down...along with an intensly hot shower.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! You may have just saved a life!
I have NEVER experienced that type of crushing/dark depression to that extent and have it hit me so hard so quick. I was completely caught off guard and truly felt I may not come out of that place. As I type this I can feel that this "wave" has improved slightly and I may be starting to feel better. I've never experienced something like this..even during the acute phase of my benzo wd which was pure hell.
I know that this forum is for opiate withdrawal which is why I did not reveal my experience with benzos. I knew that the experience and expertise here was with opiates and not benzos and that most here probably have never experienced detoxing from both substances like I have.
inkgirl is absolutely correct in saying that people do die from benzo withdrawals as the impact those meds have on the human mind/body is 100 times more intense than any opiate could ever have. I was given the advice that my health is my responsibility and that I should have questioned my doctors advice, prescirptions and directions and that person could not be more correct. The problem with that is at the time my medical problems started I never had a reason to not trust anything a doctor told me and that I could place complete trust in their training adn knowledge and that they always had my best interest at heart.
How many people here that first went to a doctor EVER questioned a script they had been given? How many people here ever questioned their doctor when they were given that first script for Norco or Lortab when they were sitting there in pain. Probably not one of us. I know I didn't.
I've received better advice and direction from the people on this forum than I ever did from my doctors. I've received more info from total strangers here than any doctor ive ever seen. I've been treated better by total strangers here than I ever have been by my doctors. Total strangers here care more about my health and wellbeing than any doctor ive ever seen. That alone is making me cry. WHERE WERE YOU PEOPLE 7 YEARS AGO! :)
The fact that I can come here when I'm scared, mad, hurting and freaking out is beyond amazing. The fact that strangers take their valuable time to try and console me, to try and get me through a rough patch, listen to me complain and sometimes seem unreasonable is beyond anything I could have ever hoped for.
Today hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been reading so many posts of others saying around 2 weeks or so things were coming up roses. At almost 3 weeks I was feeling so bad I thought I was a total loss and nothing I did was going to change that.
I truly tried NOT to freak out today but I guess I failed there as well. As I said...the depression/anxiety today was at a level I never expected which is why I was desperately reaching out to all of you in hopes someone might chime in saying they too had a similar experience with they did. That alone helped calm me down...along with an intensly hot shower.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! You may have just saved a life!
Sorry Clean but people DO die from Benzo WD's! Please make sure if the chest pains and palps don't slow that you check with your doctor!
I sorta feel bad for responding to your post, because I too relapsed because of this same reason. BUT before I go any further, I just have to tell you, please dont give up! From what Ive read from the responses you have received, is some good suggestions. I am seriously considering applying some of them to my life. I am right with you as far as most of what you have said. This is not my first go round with quitting ct. It is sooo ez to get caught up, trying to do the right thing by taking something to help one issue, but you could be starting, or hurting another issue. My story is very similar to yours is alot of ways. I also feel exactly what your are saying, because at 3 wks!!! I was still feeling emotionally ill, mentally sick. Depressed, and yes anxiety all the time. I could not believe that at 3 WEEKS clean from opiates, that I still felt that bad. It was horrible, it really took my hope that I would make it away. So yes I relapsed, now Im back at it, trying to figure out a way to fight this monster. Dont give up, we have to find a way to make it through, you have soooo much to live for, as I do too! Im just trying to gather my thoughts, and head in the right direction with this thing. Gotta dig deeper, than ever before to mustard up the will to fight through again tho. We have no other choice, the choices we do have now is to choose to get the correct help, and support to help us make it through. God Bless you.
Hi I too have a very hard time with opiate withdrawal.I have done it more than a few times and it always takes way longer for me to feel better and more motivated.I don't ever get a pink cloud or any such thing.It always takes me at least 30 days to feel like I will make it through and many more days after that to get my energy back.You are not alone just hang in there and give it some time. Hope you feel better soon.
I agree, try a walk outside get some fresh air. Big deep breaths! Don't let this go too far! You may want to give your doctor a call! I'm hoping you find some relief and feel better soon!
Listen, I'm not discounting what you've gone through, and there's NO doubt people have experienced horrible hells when coming off benzos, they are not easy in every circumstance to come off. I'm also sorry your doctor didn't know the basics, that benzos should NEVER be stopped abruptly. Most likely, if you had been properly tapered, your experience would have been FAR different, even if it wasn't perfect, it didn't have to be like that.
I'm not trying to make you feel badly...you feel badly enough on your own, my main point was that, you're pointing to the Xanax as being one of the big issues. It may be a contributing factor, but the truth is, addiction is addiction...there will always be an excuse to use. You may not have a history of depression, or anxiety, but it sure sounds like you're dealing with it now...and you have to deal with it, with a professional.
This is a good lesson for others about not having blind faith in docs, about the importance of educating oneself about any medication a doc wants to prescribe...including how to take it, the risks, and how to stop taking it. If you had done that, you MAY have avoided some of the nightmare you went through. That isn't a dig at you either, a lot of people don't educate themselves about meds...sad but true. Many just take the word of the doctor, and let's face it, some docs are just lousy, some docs are not thorough, the list is long.
You've been through a LOT lately. You're going through a ton of emotional turmoil, which again, is why you need to seek help. Help doesn't have to be in the form of the same kind of antidepressant you tried before (which meds have you tried, btw, and for how long?)...therapy alone can be VERY beneficial, and there are other treatments as well.
You need to find an addiction program that's going to help you address ALL of these issues. This doesn't have to be the end of your clean time. It's a bump in the road....MANY go through it. Try not to be TOO Hard on yourself. Instead of telling yourself, "not sure you can get past this"...tell yourself you WILL get past this. LEARN from this, turn it into something positive. You are trying to recover in the midst of losing two people close to you. That would be a challenge for ANYONE!
I'm sorry if my replies offended you or made you feel worse, it certainly wasn't my intention...I just wanted to try to explain that it's so easy to want to find SOMETHING to blame for where you're at. It's SO important to have accountability. Think of how much more you know now.
My thoughts are with you...PLEASE take the advice of the people here...and do those basic things...get rid of your source, tell someone, and get some help.
Take care!
I'm not trying to make you feel badly...you feel badly enough on your own, my main point was that, you're pointing to the Xanax as being one of the big issues. It may be a contributing factor, but the truth is, addiction is addiction...there will always be an excuse to use. You may not have a history of depression, or anxiety, but it sure sounds like you're dealing with it now...and you have to deal with it, with a professional.
This is a good lesson for others about not having blind faith in docs, about the importance of educating oneself about any medication a doc wants to prescribe...including how to take it, the risks, and how to stop taking it. If you had done that, you MAY have avoided some of the nightmare you went through. That isn't a dig at you either, a lot of people don't educate themselves about meds...sad but true. Many just take the word of the doctor, and let's face it, some docs are just lousy, some docs are not thorough, the list is long.
You've been through a LOT lately. You're going through a ton of emotional turmoil, which again, is why you need to seek help. Help doesn't have to be in the form of the same kind of antidepressant you tried before (which meds have you tried, btw, and for how long?)...therapy alone can be VERY beneficial, and there are other treatments as well.
You need to find an addiction program that's going to help you address ALL of these issues. This doesn't have to be the end of your clean time. It's a bump in the road....MANY go through it. Try not to be TOO Hard on yourself. Instead of telling yourself, "not sure you can get past this"...tell yourself you WILL get past this. LEARN from this, turn it into something positive. You are trying to recover in the midst of losing two people close to you. That would be a challenge for ANYONE!
I'm sorry if my replies offended you or made you feel worse, it certainly wasn't my intention...I just wanted to try to explain that it's so easy to want to find SOMETHING to blame for where you're at. It's SO important to have accountability. Think of how much more you know now.
My thoughts are with you...PLEASE take the advice of the people here...and do those basic things...get rid of your source, tell someone, and get some help.
Take care!
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