I let my guard down!

[lostdreams]

Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I  know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.

I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.

I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!

Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!

Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!

I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!

[marcatj]

and i think you ARE YES AT 604!!! just minus one lil one....

i bet it's your only "1"!!!

[lonewolf07]

My mother was Native American and hated me for having light skin.  Like I can control genetics.  But this thread is for LostDreams .... I hope she hasn't forgotten about going howlin' at the moon and then - Sarah's post always reminds me - ICE CREAM.  Gator's paying  = )

Hugs ....

[marcatj]

sweetheart - it's not ruined.  just get back up, and keep going.  

you may want to at some point get into some counseling to deal with this stuff with your mom tho...

that's heavy, heavy stuff.

and just because she gave birth to you, doesn't make her a "mother." anyone can give birth...

all i'm saying is with some work (therapy) we actually lessen the load of that kind of really toxic stuff... it plays a big part in all of this.

and in my opinion, with that behavior - you owe her nothing.

just remember feeling won't destroy you.  they're just feelings...

keep going buddy.  just brush off, and keep going..

warmly,
mj

[dominosarah]

See you havent let anyone down here.  You need to get on here again and start talking to us.  Look at all the support you have.  We will never leave you or abandon you.  As for your mom she will never be the mom you want her to be.  It is time to get on with your life and let her sit in her own sh!t.  Put that pretty head in the air,stand tall and take a stand.  No more hell from her.  You DONT deserve it.

Sending ginormous hugs and a kiss on your cheek Minnesota style!!
sara

[worried878]

u know i have felt the way you feel towards my mom before  i have gone a whole year without speaking to her...i was my fathers favorite as she is spanish and he is irish and out of 5 kids i am the only blonde/blue eyed child that looks like him...she would say "look what your daughter did" like i wasnt her daughter.....i love my parents but i keep a distance as she is so negative and it is hard to stay positive around her...but i love her....she is a good person....family is family and these feelings hurt but we go on...get back on track...let all that go...i just distance without not visiting..i just let things go in one ear and out the other!  LOL

[broknbck]

well you know what the trigger was- mom.

so you may have to come to grips on how you really feel about her. and not just try to be mr. nice guy. tell her exactly what you think of her and how she makes you feel. and be done with it.

i don't know either of you but i do not like her one bit and think that she is a terrrible mother and to all of her kids for the example she is showing. just my opinion. and you are not terrible, just hurting. hope you are feeling better now!!