I let my guard down!

[lostdreams]

Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I  know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.

I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.

I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!

Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!

Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!

I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!

[DaisyDo]

Like someone else posted you are STILL clean 604 days just take away one!  Dont be hard on yourself as that will fuel the fire.  I am not an addict myself but am watching my brother do Oxy, Meth, Crack - anything he can get his hands on! So im sorry i dont understand your pain only understand it from the other side.  I understand a parent not loving you as you feel they should - all i can say is its NOT you, you have to stop chasing that dream because you will be chasing it forever and you get to the finish line and you life has slipped by and still they dont see what a lovely person you are or give what is rightfully yours.  Take love wheverever you can get it, cherish it and dont ever look back!  Well Done xx I wish my brother were half as strong as you xx God Bless

[Ricksma]

This poem, did you write it? It's beautiful. If you don't mind I would like to share it with my son. I am new to this site and have read all these wonderful supporting words for Lost. I don't know any of you, but I am so happy to have found this place. My son is also a heroin addict, I love him and support him. I feel sorry for you Lost for your mothers "loss", no child (adult or not) should be without a mothers love. You must be a very special person though, because you are very loved by the people in this group.
My son is supposed to be coming to my house in the next few days to detox from methadone. I will have hime come to this website, I know he will find the support he needs.
Lost, I'm not an addict and I can't share what you know or how you feel. But I am a person of love and care, I have watched what drugs (heroin/methadone) have done to my son and I know from that stand point that it is devistating. You have come so far and from what is sounds you have loved yourself for being sober. Life is so long, not short like people say. One day of your life is but a speck on your entire existance. This little set back was just a little speck from the entire time of your success.
Good luck to you.

[gator145]

The pain of twisted dreams

So she grabbed you…Wrapped her loving arms around you….. Took you down to her den of dreams……..All was ok or so it seemed…..

The Jasmine drifted through the air……You floated around without a care……. Trading places with yourself for a while……But you couldn’t even manage a smile….. The room was what it used to be……And there you found you couldn’t be free….. Wanting more than what anyone could give…..Now you know that’s no way to live….. Think of yourself for a while….Buried deep within the pain is a smile…..Come with me I’ll show you the way…..If it takes forever and a day…… I’m gonna stay right here so take my hand….. I gave it to you , remember the plan? You can do it ,you’ve done it before…….Just go through the open door….On the other side is all your friends…… They all have outstretched their hands…. They know what you’ve been through …..They traveled this same road too…. Why don’t you just reach out and touch a few……. They are all just waiting for you…….

There are those that want you to fail……… That’s because they hide behind a veil…… Of false happiness and love for themselves….. What you must think of is yourself….. Don’t be concerned with the things you cannot change……Sometimes relationships are really strange…..When the love we give is never returned….There’s a lesson from this to be learned……Look away and you will see the love….You are you that’s something to be proud of……… Let us all be what your looking to find ………So you can have back you peace of mind……. We just wish you would look and see ……We are mother sister FAMILY….

Gator

[Rose703]

Oh honey I'm so sorry to hear about how your mother is treating you. I remember all the years that I tried in vein to get my mother's approval and the shocking ending is that I really never needed it as much as I thought. Her anger towards me was because I was a strong spirit and she had never been that in her life.

I hope you will post more and I vote for you to keep your 603 days!! You earned every single one of those days and one tiny bump shouldn't take away all that time! Anyways I don't think you will try it again since you hated it so much while doing it this time.:-)

I'm here for you just as you been here for me on so many occassions!!

((((((BIG HUG))))))

[lonewolf07]

Not anymore.  I ate it  = (

[dominosarah]

You keep those clean days minus 1.

Ice cream!!!!!!  Lostdreams we have a big bowl of ice cream with your name on it!!!!  sara