Aa
I let my guard down!
Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.
I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.
I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!
Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!
Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!
I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.
I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.
I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!
Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!
Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!
I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!
Not knowing a lot about recovery issues , I find your response quite sensible and responsible..... At least to me.....
To recognize the act as something one feels bad about is to recognize something has to be paid closer attention to...
It would seem to me what is effective for the individual is the best route to follow....
I may be wrong, and by all means correct me if I am, what works for one doesn't always work for another.....
It would seem to me the point is not to capture, sentence, and shoot the person at sunrise...... But to have that person get back and stay on track as soon as possible......
Being an outsider on the issue, I dont think it is so much a matter of one set of rules for all...... The way I see it, supporting the person and helping them become successful in their challenge is just as important.....
All wars are not fought on the same front.... Nor are the all won by the same tactics.....
Again I think it was very wise of you to make the point that you did.......... Gator
To recognize the act as something one feels bad about is to recognize something has to be paid closer attention to...
It would seem to me what is effective for the individual is the best route to follow....
I may be wrong, and by all means correct me if I am, what works for one doesn't always work for another.....
It would seem to me the point is not to capture, sentence, and shoot the person at sunrise...... But to have that person get back and stay on track as soon as possible......
Being an outsider on the issue, I dont think it is so much a matter of one set of rules for all...... The way I see it, supporting the person and helping them become successful in their challenge is just as important.....
All wars are not fought on the same front.... Nor are the all won by the same tactics.....
Again I think it was very wise of you to make the point that you did.......... Gator
Hey! I know things have been chaotic for you recently and you haven't had much time to be online and I've sent you a message already, but I'm missing you and sending prayers out for you!
I'm just an outsider, with a gaming addiction... But when I saw my therapist this week, I had a pressing question. I always wondered what happens to people with long term soberity and slip for one day or one time, if they have to start over or can continue counting on, minus the day.
He said it depends on the person. Some people keep on counting and admit their slip, but get right on the wagon. Others start over, saying I screwed up, I'm goin gto learn and start over.
The important part is they learn what they need to learn and keep on the sober path and not so much the day counting.
I hope this helps in some way.
He said it depends on the person. Some people keep on counting and admit their slip, but get right on the wagon. Others start over, saying I screwed up, I'm goin gto learn and start over.
The important part is they learn what they need to learn and keep on the sober path and not so much the day counting.
I hope this helps in some way.
im not sure what you mean. you said has anyone heard of being clean 2 years with 1 bump and 2 slips?
Wow... i am not looking down on anyone, and lostdream i know how you feel, i know the guilt and the pain and having no one to blame but myself, and yes honesty is most important...i'm just wondering has anyone heard of being 2 years clean with 1 bump and 2 slips? just a thought
I ate the ice cream - sorry = (
Will get some more and send it to you. An ice cream party to celebrate your "clean 604 days just take away one". I'm not trying to trivialize how you feel - not at all - it was a setback, part of being human.
Hugs
Will get some more and send it to you. An ice cream party to celebrate your "clean 604 days just take away one". I'm not trying to trivialize how you feel - not at all - it was a setback, part of being human.
Hugs
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