I let my guard down!

[lostdreams]

Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I  know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.

I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.

I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!

Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!

Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!

I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!

[Mikeinthesouth]

you are not disappointing anyone here I would imagine it is an addiction and this is what it does unless we find the key. I am not one to ever thro stones and know you are back at the right place so much more than alot of folks get the chance or desire to do.. Hang in there and try not to get at it again......

[gator145]

Not that easy when only one would show up....Not being rude just up front......
Her "mom" is self centered.....Doesn't care about others.....So she would think therapy would only be necessary for lostdreams.....
My father is exactly the same way......In all my years I have never heard him call me by name....But this is not about me.....Just that I can totaklly relate to this type of abuse....And that is exactly what it is ABUSE.....It just says these people tend to discard people like yesterdays trash....... Sure would like to be with them on the last day...... You can bet there will be a lot of fireworks..... I would think the question that is going to come up will be,,,,,, "I gave you a beautiful child, what did you do with it"?
treating children in this way is disrespect for the great creator...... OH!!!   OH!!!!

[Kova]

ever thought about going to therapy with your Mom?

[DaisyDo]

Accept however hard it is that you Mom has failings and not YOU.  We are all human and none of us every really get it "right"??  This comes from many years a chasing a Dad that just was never going to be "that Dad"  in the end I have just accepted he has limitations i guess like us all and that does make it easier to bare XX

[DaisyDo]

You dont have to LET go of your Mother but let go of the "dream", theway you want it to be cause it will never happen and you will always be sad and disappointed.  You are probably something special you Mother wishes she was and it may be hard for her to face what she is clearly lacking.  So what I am saying is accept her with her limitations and all.  Yes, you may well be the different one of the bunch - but thats not a bad thing!
You can NEVER change your mother, you can ONLY change your reactions to her.  It is a sad fact of life that our parents arent always the people we want them to be or what they should be but dont ket her failings becomes the maker of yours xxx  

[lostdreams]

What can I say….the support you guys have shown here is outstanding! I love you guys to pieces. You guys are the best….I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart…….THANK YOU…….I have no idea where I would be without ya’ll. Well….I do…..I’d be in that nihilistic world of modern hell. Some place I never want to go again! EVER! Thank you all so much, you all mean the world to me…….My Family!

I know I have disappointed myself by doing what I did….I totally regret it. I understand my Mother was the trigger in all this and I know what must be done to prevent this from happening again….I know if I keep letting her hurt me the way she does…I will be ruined. That I do not want. I know it could be so much easier if I cut her out of my life…….but I find it so hard….I really do. I know I need to try harder because I am tired of being hurt….I can honestly say that if this happens again….I don’t think I could get through the ‘other’ side…….

So…..I made that terrible decision yesterday….regret it so much…..but cant turn back the clock…therefore I have to live with that!
I started back at work today……boy that was hard….I woke this morning feeling horrible…..not a nice feeling at all. All day I have been thinking about what happened and the more the day has gone on the more I regret it….BUT…..my mind is now playing games with me……I don’t want to take again…but my head keeps saying ‘one more will be ok’….ya know? Even though I know it WONT be ok……. So now I am trying to keep my mind occupied with other stuff……

Anyway.....thank you all again....This is for everyone:

Angels lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly
MedHelp Members you've been my angels
Such support, an aide, a crutch
A friend, not just in fair weather but foul
And I'm grateful ever so much
JB © 2007

And WHO mentioned ice cream?????? Lol

Love to you all. Thank you so much
Hugs