I need hope :( , could someone share some w/ me?

[frjs85]

Hi everyone
its been a rough ride, I have 54 days without opiates or any other drugs, but i still feel hopeless. i have days where i feel better about myself, but today isn't one of those days. i cant say i have a strong desire to use, but it deffinetly crosses my mind throughout the day. I haven't been sharing and am feeling alot of self pity, which ive struggled with alot in my life, even before drugs. I got a job, a car, a warm bed to sleep in, family, other recovering addicts in my presence, food in my belly, but still living a half *** recovery. I havent been sharing at meetings as much, putting my mask on like everything is alright, my current sponsor is busy a lot and i am trying to find a new one. I need something to hold me accountable in my life, left with my thoughts and my will ends up in me losing jobs, not paying the rent, and eventually in rehab. I walked this path before and dont want a repeat. I think maybe do things for the wrong reason sometimes. When i got outta rehab, i COULDNT WAIT to show my family and friends the new me, to impress them. (another one of my downfalls). Some days i feel so good and have hope, a little peace of mind, but this past week im eerrrr idk, falling back into my old ways i think, old behaviors and thinking patterns. I could never have enough of anything i love. When i get a taste of something that makes me happy (substances, people, passions, watever, i just cant let go. I persist to keep hanging on till it just turns to black, and im right back in the same emotional hell i came from. I was just at a meeting, ofcourse didnt share, and its bubbling up. Please give me some hope and strength, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, as long as your comment is from the heart, i wont be offended. thanks.

[frjs85]

Yea I know what you mean. I remember thinking when i was withdrawing that i just had a week of hell to deal with, then ill be free and clear. After i detoxed, was worse than during detox, cravings were through the roof, and no matter how hard i tried i couldnt gather my thoughts. It was like my emotions were spiraling out of control. i agree with what u said about sharing with people. im so thankful i found this site, i come here whenever i have problems in the day and someone always seems to get back to me.  Congrats on ur 11 days! 1 day is an accomplishment. :)

[TahoeLocal]

I'm with you on the down days.  I'm envious of 54 days clean though!!  I'm only on 11 but I can honestly say it was a hellish 11 of them.  I never quite realized what that crap does to your system....when you first take anything that gives you the euphoric feeling why would you want to quit and the urge to just take another pill was excruciatingly difficult to squelch.  Getting past the physical symptoms was almost a walk in the park compared to the emotional roller coaster that was left.  The anxiety that first day had me in tears with my head between my legs.  The next day I found that occupying myself helped a lot and now I am realizing that talking about it, whether that's writing or verbally, is very cathartic.  Today is probably a 80%'er....meaning I feel nearly like I usually do.  I'm looking forward to the occasional 100%'er but I'll take a 90 or so.  :)

Hang in there.  Its one day out of your life and once its over, you can look back on it and say, "wow, I made it!"

[frjs85]

do u think in order to go to church that u should agree with everything the bible says? I dont want to offend u or start a heated argument. You seem like you really believe, and I envy that.

[frjs85]

wic- yea, i think i saw some of those in rehab, the lady with the real thick accent, i know ive seen her in an addiction show before. But it does make total sense, i remember watching one with opiates. They said that the drug tricks the survival instinct part of the brain. And it makes the brain think it LITERALLY needs the opiate to survive. No exageration. And thinking back to those horrible withdrawl days, how far i went to get my fix, reasoning and logic just go right out the window. It's scary. I saw another show, i THINK it was Drugs Inc. on Natgeo. They did a test on cocaine addicts by showing them pictures of cocaine or paraphanelia or something to flash them back, all the while mapping the brain function. Certain parts of the brain light up (probaly reward centers as u said) , when they were shown the pictures. I hate the idea of thinking i have no control over anything, let alone a chemical , im literally a slave to my impusles, not a red hair shy of obsessed with that gratification. But after i gratify myself that dull ache inside me is still there even gets worse, because i think how pathetic i can be at 25 and still cant control myself. My addiction creeps up in almost any area of my life i could think. Mainly in sex, food, and money. (Also basic human survival drives) It all comes back to the survival thing u talked about, how the brain naturally rewards itself after sex, eating with endorphines or watever. And since i quit the drugs my impulsiveness shifted to those other areas. And i still feel like im "living dirty" u kno. I don't have much structure, i make meetings but don't share when i should. Like i have one foot in the door, but i still have my back foot planted and i wanna pick it up, but im stuck in my stubborn ways. And i KNOW its bad for me, but i still continue to do it, everyday. And at the noon meeting today, and maybe this is god (shezzreal i want to talk to you about that) 2 people shared that hit home with me. An older man who sat right next to me, and an older lady who sat right behind me. So she shares about how recovery isn't linear, how we get in ruts, get depressed. Then a few shares later the man said that AA is 20 percent the steps and 80 percent WORKING WITH PEOPLE. And i fellt like wow, if that isnt a message from some divine force, then i dont know what is. Amazing that is exactly what i Needed (not wanted) to hear. On top of that the focus of the meeting was the steps of all things which i also need!!  Cause im a complete introvert. And i know i have things to say, cuz once i start typing on here, i cant stop. I write to get my thoughts out, i end up writing multiple pages. So i shared. And i shared how i feel like im falling back, and how confusing and bewidlering the steps are to me. I mean we live in a world of linear paths. U go to school, Youll get a good job. To cook this.. u add this..at 350 degrees for 15 mins.. To stay healthy, eat this but dont eat that, excercise. Then I walk into AA and its like CAME TO BELIEVE in a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. OK, how do I do that? How do u learn to believe in god? (my question for shezzreal) Ive always believed in something, I just could never understand how god could let this happen, or that happen ( for example how shezzreal shared above about what she went through in 2 1/2 years) u kno, i guess i just blame all of the destruction in the world on god. I lost a cousin when he was just 10 years old, a close friend to heroin, i guess i hold that resentment. Thers so much pain and horror out there, just watch the news. And i cant help but wonder if god has abondoned us. err idk, in any case i guess ill never know the answer to that. That meeting today, maybe it was conincidence maybe it was god. In either case its what i needed to hear.

[shezzreal]

Congrats on your progress so far. One thing you want to remember that this is about you and if you worry about what others think that will hinder your progress. Focus one your needs addiction is a sickness and there is a recovery time from it just like any other. Take it for what it is and move through the process of what it takes to get well. Other people will just have to deal with it! Do not focus on them or their feelings. Get with the people that understand and that can help you. Also you need to realize there is a great big God and He is the ultimate help. There is a warning in the Bible about when you get your house clean of demonic presences and things that hinder you those demons will come around looking for somewhere to inhabit and each one will bring some with them that are 7 times worse than themselves. You do not want to deal with the same demons as before let alone the new ones that will show up! Ask God to carry you through and if you do not have a church I recommend a non denominational one. They tend not to be judgemental and they also tend to accept people the way they are. If they are charismatic enough they can really help you break those bondages and keep them off of you. I am talking from pure experience here. I would be dead if it had not been from a miracle of God. I dealt with addiction to prescription pain killers due to 2 suicides in the immediate family less than a year apart, my 16 year old daughter dying in a car wreck, my father leaving my mother after 40 years of marriage and then marrying someone that was 2 years younger than myself,  my husband having cancer 2 times in less than a year and during his cancer/chemo his father dying of lung cancer. All this happened in a 2 1/2 year span.  
I developed a strong need for the drugs but with the help of God my church and now a fantastic new pain management doctor I got things under control. And if I can do it anyone can - I am nobody special and God is no respector of persons. You see it does not matter how many times you fall all that matters is how many times you get back up!
God bless and hang in there!

[VICourageous]

I am glad people got back to you. As I mentioned inmy first post about all the info on the disease of addiction, thanks clean in ks for getting backon that . You will learn in all the meetings that some people call it rewinding the tape back or playing it forward, the little hamster in the cage spinning, the itty ****** committy, on and on. but since I study this disease and have shared it to others on the post, you will find they call it the pleasure part of the brain. Very small . Its a survial part of the brain this is why we want what we want over an d over that tapes plays back and reminds us of what we can do or get done or how wonderful we felt we want it again and again can not live without it. Its all there in the info.
(FOR ME COMPULSIVE)Then you will also learn alot more about the neuro I call transmitters. SEE YOU are sharing at a meeting when you post. Just stay with us I am somewhat new and I like to share and read other info heck it is HOT STUFF I think we know more then any DR out there who has not experienced it. Some people have been here a long time and some go. Keep Posting You can talk in the privacy of your home.
Keep on truckin forward and do not look back.......
vickie
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