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4810126 tn?1503942735

ISOLATION & THE HURTING

Good Morning MH:

As I approach my 365 day milestone, I find that my life has changed so much in the past year that I'm almost completely unfamiliar/alienated by the terrain. This is the first time I've posted on forum for myself & was hesitant to do so, as I'm reticent about a lot of stuff these days (believe it or not!) Anyway, this isn't a particularly considered or well-planned post. I felt it would be more revelatory to just let it flow & not over-think it.

I tried to write a couple of friends last night to attempt to explain what was going on with me but I guess I didn't 'reach' them or express myself properly. It's also possible that sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone who's going through something difficult/unanswerable. Here's what's going on with me (as far as I can tell):

I encountered a  series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stoppedreally talking about it. I've been through almost a year of extended sleep loss which led to two separate Hep C flare-ups &  has tanked my health in just about every way possible. My dysfunctional relationship w/ a man who was using benzos & is still on M'done became intolerable for me after I got clean as I found the consequences we incurred from his bizarre behavior on pills to be unacceptable. He is, however, an extremely decent & kind man & breaking this off was guilt-wracking but it had to be done for both of us. In my fifth month or so I went through a period of deep grief/angst over all the friends I've lost to drugs & suicide that I'd never mourned properly.  In month seven & early eight we (out of necessity we still lived together which was crazy & contentious) were evicted from our apartment of 8 yrs & moved in (just) to a 'friends' place. (Someone I didn't really know & that he was friends with from the Methadone clinic.) My ex was subsequently told he couldn't stay there (b/c of benzo behavior) He's currently homeless which breaks my heart.  The last of these horrors was a sexual assault by strangers.  I journaled about it & left it up for a week. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do but I knew that I needed to come forward otherwise I'd disappear into myself w/ the numbness, shame & hurt of it.

After the assault, I was completely shut down. I thank those people who were there for me in whatever way they were. You'll never know how important your help was as I had none here in Boston. (Thank you Digger & Ben in particular.) I promised myself that somehow something good would come out of something so seemingly terrible. I've worked & fought too damned hard over this year to give in, to go backwards, to lose myself (whoever that is @ this point!) So, I went out & got my resumes & cover letters done (again thanks to Caroline, Ben & Ang for their online technical help & encouragement.) I got a job & have been working full time in the afternoons & evenings for Whole Foods.

I was really shut down for a while & then I started to have good days again where I feel the old fire, the joy of being alive & an interest in other people. The thing is, lately, I've felt increasingly uninspired/unmotivated & apathetic. I haven't been feeling hope for the future. I haven't been feeling good about myself & my prospects for a contented or peaceful life.  I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep again. So, all I do is work & sleep. I've cut off all my old friends out of necessity. I'm not at all secure or comfortable in my current living situation. I've been concerned that I haven't felt the need or the inspiration to reach out & post in support of others -- that I haven't been in contact with family & that I've got nothing to really say to even my closest online friends. I find myself both aching/hurting inside & walking around numb by turns. I'm just so solitary these days & often feel 'removed' from & down on myself. I'm a people person & crave meaning this way. This happens most often on my days off (unfortunately.) This is probably the first time that I've truly been alone in my life. I guess I'm not good at it! (smile) I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I being impatient with the process? I just needed to talk, guys & I thank you so much for listening.

29 Responses
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4614494 tn?1368356385
Oh Annie.  As I sit reading through all that you have wrote and everyone else.  I'm in tears.  You know how I feel about you. You are one of the strongest most admirable people on here that I know.  Almost 1 year of being clean and all that you have been through makes me feel like such a whimp when I fail at being clean or relapsing.  You my friend are such an incredible person.  My tears  are flowing like a faucet right now.  I have no wisdom to share that others have already given.  Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and for God to help you find that happiness and joy you seek for.  I love you my girl and I know things will turn around in your favor.   They have to!!   Don't ever forget just amazing you are!!!!    
Love always your friend Chris
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I didn't read the other posts, I'm just gonna let it flow. I love the intro disclaimer, by the way. I always wondered what one of your threads would be like. Anyway, I have felt what you are talking about. It's hard to really express it, but I call it "The Now What Syndrome." I guess that feeling is what drives me to talk about the Great Mystery and finding what inspires me. You desperately needed to change living arrangements, you needed work to do that, you had to get sober to do anything alive. You did it!
Now What? What do You strive for? You already did the unimaginable. So we talk about aftercare, that is a generic term for finding those things that inspire you to be better. Good enough is never enough. We are all or nothing, all addiction or all recovery. In reflective silence, what inspires you? To me, that is the source of purpose and meaning. For me it is helping orphans and poor kids. That is my unachievable replacement for my unachievable sobriety. Writing is replacing that empty time that used to be owned by opiates, detox, striving to be free. Doing one small thing for world peace in the meantime, I strive toward doing things for a larger dream. Perhaps I will never do it, but that's what I thought about quiting opiates. It is a Great Mystery, but I must have something to fight for. Mediocrity is made tolerable by purpose, something bigger than ourselves. In the Spirit of truth, I must find peace inside myself to spread it around the world. For some, a hobby is it, Habitat for Humanity, or a church mission. What inspires you to be more my friend?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Annie.. I really feel you post, all the way to me bones where I sit shaking typing this wondering if I will send it for the anxiety it causes me and the personal pain it reveals.. First Good on you for removing the veil Sara always has the right words.. I suggestion my understanding would be You are free to be anything you want to be scarey huh.. with WFoods you have medical after a few months take them up on it. Get your Hep C under control if you can take away the threat.. Maybe while you work out some of your demons with a good therapist You can go to school in some capacity that helps and allows you to become close to your fellow man..
I'm so sorry for all you have been thru your first year. My 1st. was the very best and sense then it has done nothing but gone down hill.. You see you described where I'm at perfectly in your post except mine is over the fact I'm loosing the battle with kidney disease I will never get rid of my Hep C and I will die on dialysis... You have a chance and no matter how scarey that chance is take it Annie.. Take this last year as bad as it has been and turn it around in your favor.. We never imagined we would be in the position of actually making something out of our lives.. Look how far you have come Look what has tried to stop you.. There is no stopping you only your health and YOU can do that.. I say Go for it Annie take the next step in your recovery get in a recovery group. wait for your benefits to kick in. Use the hell out of them get healthy... and have a Good Long life..... If you can not treat the Hep C I would be sorry but I do not think much would change I would still say go for it in what ever way you ever dreamed.. You are free to do that now... lesa
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Avatar universal
No magic words here but I wanted to say "hey"! anyway...I sure feel for you Annie and can appreciate your struggles.  I think the assault alone is enough to put you in this dark place and I'm wondering what you might need to do to feel better. Should you talk to someone? Plan revenge? Only you know but what do you think?

   I found the first year to be full of change and new feelings; an adjustment period and not always full of sunshine and rainbows...which reminds me of a song:" Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" lol. It's a very old oldie...Anyway...can you begin to connect a little more?  I think that's the first thing because isolation and loneliness will bite you and keep you down...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Annie, i am so glad you posted for YOU!  Life sure does throw us some curve balls and being clean now makes it all that much more difficult to handle, as we are still learning coping skills.  I am so sorry for all the pain that you are in and all the turmoil that you have faced, just reading your post made me so sad for you, BUT, look what you have accomplished, you are 1 freaking year clean.....WHAT????!!!!  Thats 1 year clean, be proud of that, not only did you make it this far look what obstacles came in your way.  All i can offer to you is to now make yourself the number one priority, learn to protect you, love you, and be proud of you, you are a remarkable girl who has endured so much pain.  There is light at the end of this road i promise, God doesn't give us anything  we cant handle, you are moving forward and i hope and pray that you hang on and keep fighting as you will see happiness....
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Hi Annie Banani.....posting for yourself is humbling, therapeutic and praiseworthy!  I commend you for being courageous enough to bare your soul.  
I've been contemplating for some time today.....is there anything...anything at all that I could share that might be beneficial to you?  I don't know....but I am going to give it a whirl.  Take what you like and leave the rest, ok?  It's just food for thought and all I have to give~

I wrote down some words or phrases that jumped out at me....
"I encountered a  series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stopped really talking about it."
"living situation....evicted (more loss, insecurity and embarassment), helplessness, now living w/strangers still "on clinic", not feeling secure or comfortable where you live;
No friends; all work and sleep; health issues and finances limiting you; guilt for ending a toxic relationship though you love him and have known for a long time it's best for you;  a horrible assault....feelings shutting down;
no hope about the future; seeing no prospects for contentment or peace ahead; aching, hurting, numb inside; feeling removed; down on yourself; solitary isolation on your days off; first time in 48 yrs you have truly ever been alone.  Damn Annie!!!!!!
You said yourself you are a people person....that you crave MEANING this way.  And in the beginning months...you helped and interacted with a lot of people....which shifted the focus and the emotional pain off the drama and chaos going on everywhere else.  I did the same thing during my first year...and in some ways, yes, it helped me in my early recovery....but in others....it kept me from the real work I need to do on and in myself.

You used H/M'done for 30 years, girl...!!  That's 5/8's of your entire life.  Of course all this is FOREIGN...you are rediscovering yourself.  Some things will fit...some won't...but how will you know if you don't go out there and try.... you NEED PEOPLE....real live people...not just internet people.  It's too easy to stay in our sea of isolation that way.  You need to be touched, hugged, experience laughter, have someone to bounce feelings off of, debate with, challenge you, text you, talk to you, someone you can "let your hair down with".  You don't have to totally agree with or embrace a program, support group (not just addiction support groups but sexual assault groups, too) to benefit from participation.  
I fear that all the grief you've been processing, the saying goodbye to so many things in your past and hurting desperately for S, not being secure and happy where you live, not sleeping (stress/no healing) along w/ your Hep-C flareups, that you are extremely vulnerable right now.  

I know you KNOW you are in a dangerous/vulnerable place right now or you wouldn't have posted.  Because you ARE a people person....go find some people that live their lives in recovery.  If you expose yourself...just put yourself in some different environments....you WILL meet and find people that will fill you up.  You can reach out, inspire and help others when you get your own gas tank full.
You said, "I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use."
I couldn't agree more.....go engage yourself.
Holding you close.....with love and compassion~  
Connie

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