ISOLATION & THE HURTING

[EvolverU]

Good Morning MH:

As I approach my 365 day milestone, I find that my life has changed so much in the past year that I'm almost completely unfamiliar/alienated by the terrain. This is the first time I've posted on forum for myself & was hesitant to do so, as I'm reticent about a lot of stuff these days (believe it or not!) Anyway, this isn't a particularly considered or well-planned post. I felt it would be more revelatory to just let it flow & not over-think it.

I tried to write a couple of friends last night to attempt to explain what was going on with me but I guess I didn't 'reach' them or express myself properly. It's also possible that sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone who's going through something difficult/unanswerable. Here's what's going on with me (as far as I can tell):

I encountered a  series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stoppedreally talking about it. I've been through almost a year of extended sleep loss which led to two separate Hep C flare-ups &  has tanked my health in just about every way possible. My dysfunctional relationship w/ a man who was using benzos & is still on M'done became intolerable for me after I got clean as I found the consequences we incurred from his bizarre behavior on pills to be unacceptable. He is, however, an extremely decent & kind man & breaking this off was guilt-wracking but it had to be done for both of us. In my fifth month or so I went through a period of deep grief/angst over all the friends I've lost to drugs & suicide that I'd never mourned properly.  In month seven & early eight we (out of necessity we still lived together which was crazy & contentious) were evicted from our apartment of 8 yrs & moved in (just) to a 'friends' place. (Someone I didn't really know & that he was friends with from the Methadone clinic.) My ex was subsequently told he couldn't stay there (b/c of benzo behavior) He's currently homeless which breaks my heart.  The last of these horrors was a sexual assault by strangers.  I journaled about it & left it up for a week. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do but I knew that I needed to come forward otherwise I'd disappear into myself w/ the numbness, shame & hurt of it.

After the assault, I was completely shut down. I thank those people who were there for me in whatever way they were. You'll never know how important your help was as I had none here in Boston. (Thank you Digger & Ben in particular.) I promised myself that somehow something good would come out of something so seemingly terrible. I've worked & fought too damned hard over this year to give in, to go backwards, to lose myself (whoever that is @ this point!) So, I went out & got my resumes & cover letters done (again thanks to Caroline, Ben & Ang for their online technical help & encouragement.) I got a job & have been working full time in the afternoons & evenings for Whole Foods.

I was really shut down for a while & then I started to have good days again where I feel the old fire, the joy of being alive & an interest in other people. The thing is, lately, I've felt increasingly uninspired/unmotivated & apathetic. I haven't been feeling hope for the future. I haven't been feeling good about myself & my prospects for a contented or peaceful life.  I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep again. So, all I do is work & sleep. I've cut off all my old friends out of necessity. I'm not at all secure or comfortable in my current living situation. I've been concerned that I haven't felt the need or the inspiration to reach out & post in support of others -- that I haven't been in contact with family & that I've got nothing to really say to even my closest online friends. I find myself both aching/hurting inside & walking around numb by turns. I'm just so solitary these days & often feel 'removed' from & down on myself. I'm a people person & crave meaning this way. This happens most often on my days off (unfortunately.) This is probably the first time that I've truly been alone in my life. I guess I'm not good at it! (smile) I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I being impatient with the process? I just needed to talk, guys & I thank you so much for listening.

[Ben727]

This is such a cool thread! So many of the people who make up the backbone of this forum came on to say something. There's so many good ideas, so much support and understanding. I've read through it several times and learned something new each time. Each post reveals a lot about each individual's perspective, but all have the common thread of genuinely caring about your welfare. Good for you that you knew to post publicly at this particular time and juncture, it bodes well for you!

[Sonrissa]

I am so glad you realize how much you are cared about, and how much you mean to this community. If we didn't have you, then a piece of the puzzle would be missing, and you know how important each puzzle piece is to the overall picture. Take care!

[EvolverU]

As I wrote in a PM this morning, (& I'm ashamed of thinking this) but I posted w/ trepidation as I pretty much believed no one would want to/be able to respond to this before it disappeared. All day yesterday, ache I've been experiencing  in my heart center, (a painful physical tightness in my chest  & occasionally in my gut) intensified. When I got home @ 1 am this morning & opened the thread I was totally overwhelmed by the number & quality of comments as well as the care expressed in them.

Something shifted off my heart & lungs as I read through the thread & yes, I was moved to silent tears.I felt 'broken open'.  I felt a measure of relief, of contact/support that I haven't truly felt in months & I just don't know what to say right now except, thank you, thank you --  Each & Every One of you. What a gift..........

I hope to respond to you individually in the next couple of days. Once again, it's been brought home to me how very blessed & honored I've been to have found MH & all of you.

With a full heart,
Annie

[spider6]

Annie, if I may call you that.  :o}
Oh my gosh dear girl, what a treasure you are.  I'm not familiar with your
complete story, but after reading this thread I have a pretty good idea what a gift you are to this world.

You are an incredibly strong soul, giving and caring and so intelligent.  I suspect one of the reasons this is true is because of your personal journey.
Every single thing that has happened to you in the past has a direct connection to that immensly valuable, sweet, kind person you have become
and are today.

I don't think it's news to you that servitude and pouring yourself into others is a great way to alter what you see through your own microscope.  I think you do that as much as you can.  Unfortunately, life "undulates", and when we're approaching, then entering that "down dip" it's so difficult if not impossible to see what's happening above us.  Holding our breath and trusting that soon we will be able to breathe again as we rise up to embrace, rejoice then prepare for the next dip down.  Thank God we get
reprieve, even for just a bit.  Take that time to nurture yourself in any and
all the ways you would do for others.  As we all benefit from the essence of Annie, when Annie is taken care of.

I'm sorry for the pain and angst you have had and are going through now. You've got some wonderful truthful posts above with more valuable advice than I could ever give.  Although just words, I'm hoping you can use them as a life preserver and just hang on till the storm passes.

You are loved, respected and valued.  You hold a very important place in this world.
love and hugs
Janice. xo

[Clarityrocks]

Oh, sweet Annie, I am so glad you posted this. Reaching out here is a good sign that you will fight for your recovery. I know it is hard to put it all out there. First, I am so sorry for all you have had to deal with in this last year. I can't imagine how hard it has been, the uncertainty of your living situation, and your unwavering compassion for others, it must be so painful, I am sorry. As far as the assault, I am so angry this happened to you, and I hope the person responsible will be punished, I don't know if you pressed charges, or not. But please talk to someone about this, a counselor if possible. I hurt for you. You are an amazing gift to all of us here, and unfortunately that can lead to neglecting ourselves. I really think, along with many others before me, you should find a support group, however that may look. The fellowship is unparalleled for an addict, this is the face to face support that we need, friend. The contact, the understanding of people who know right where you are and have been. Another thing, and this may not be an option for you right now, but I have been thinking of doing some volunteer work. Some different things have been speaking to me (not literally, lol) and I feel like I need to go serve someone who is less fortunate than I, and there is always someone less fortunate than us in one way or another. But I feel like it feeds our souls to help others. Just a thought. Anyway, I hope you feel better, love, I hate that you have been struggling so hard. Please take care of you.
Love,
Allison

[toothfairie]

Annie girl, I'm so glad you posted about your struggles!  I know it had to be HARD because you are like me, we don't like to "bother" people when we struggle...but i'm glad you purged it and now maybe you can start to heal...I think the job will surely help you...hopefully you will meet and make some new friends...i (as you know) tend to isolate as well...but getting out of our comfort zone will help so much...it has me for sure...wishing nothing but peace and some "fire" back in your spirit girl...you really do deserve the best of the best...i'm always around if you need to talk/vent.