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ISOLATION & THE HURTING
Good Morning MH:
As I approach my 365 day milestone, I find that my life has changed so much in the past year that I'm almost completely unfamiliar/alienated by the terrain. This is the first time I've posted on forum for myself & was hesitant to do so, as I'm reticent about a lot of stuff these days (believe it or not!) Anyway, this isn't a particularly considered or well-planned post. I felt it would be more revelatory to just let it flow & not over-think it.
I tried to write a couple of friends last night to attempt to explain what was going on with me but I guess I didn't 'reach' them or express myself properly. It's also possible that sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone who's going through something difficult/unanswerable. Here's what's going on with me (as far as I can tell):
I encountered a series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stoppedreally talking about it. I've been through almost a year of extended sleep loss which led to two separate Hep C flare-ups & has tanked my health in just about every way possible. My dysfunctional relationship w/ a man who was using benzos & is still on M'done became intolerable for me after I got clean as I found the consequences we incurred from his bizarre behavior on pills to be unacceptable. He is, however, an extremely decent & kind man & breaking this off was guilt-wracking but it had to be done for both of us. In my fifth month or so I went through a period of deep grief/angst over all the friends I've lost to drugs & suicide that I'd never mourned properly. In month seven & early eight we (out of necessity we still lived together which was crazy & contentious) were evicted from our apartment of 8 yrs & moved in (just) to a 'friends' place. (Someone I didn't really know & that he was friends with from the Methadone clinic.) My ex was subsequently told he couldn't stay there (b/c of benzo behavior) He's currently homeless which breaks my heart. The last of these horrors was a sexual assault by strangers. I journaled about it & left it up for a week. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do but I knew that I needed to come forward otherwise I'd disappear into myself w/ the numbness, shame & hurt of it.
After the assault, I was completely shut down. I thank those people who were there for me in whatever way they were. You'll never know how important your help was as I had none here in Boston. (Thank you Digger & Ben in particular.) I promised myself that somehow something good would come out of something so seemingly terrible. I've worked & fought too damned hard over this year to give in, to go backwards, to lose myself (whoever that is @ this point!) So, I went out & got my resumes & cover letters done (again thanks to Caroline, Ben & Ang for their online technical help & encouragement.) I got a job & have been working full time in the afternoons & evenings for Whole Foods.
I was really shut down for a while & then I started to have good days again where I feel the old fire, the joy of being alive & an interest in other people. The thing is, lately, I've felt increasingly uninspired/unmotivated & apathetic. I haven't been feeling hope for the future. I haven't been feeling good about myself & my prospects for a contented or peaceful life. I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep again. So, all I do is work & sleep. I've cut off all my old friends out of necessity. I'm not at all secure or comfortable in my current living situation. I've been concerned that I haven't felt the need or the inspiration to reach out & post in support of others -- that I haven't been in contact with family & that I've got nothing to really say to even my closest online friends. I find myself both aching/hurting inside & walking around numb by turns. I'm just so solitary these days & often feel 'removed' from & down on myself. I'm a people person & crave meaning this way. This happens most often on my days off (unfortunately.) This is probably the first time that I've truly been alone in my life. I guess I'm not good at it! (smile) I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I being impatient with the process? I just needed to talk, guys & I thank you so much for listening.
As I approach my 365 day milestone, I find that my life has changed so much in the past year that I'm almost completely unfamiliar/alienated by the terrain. This is the first time I've posted on forum for myself & was hesitant to do so, as I'm reticent about a lot of stuff these days (believe it or not!) Anyway, this isn't a particularly considered or well-planned post. I felt it would be more revelatory to just let it flow & not over-think it.
I tried to write a couple of friends last night to attempt to explain what was going on with me but I guess I didn't 'reach' them or express myself properly. It's also possible that sometimes we just don't know what to say to someone who's going through something difficult/unanswerable. Here's what's going on with me (as far as I can tell):
I encountered a series of increasingly difficult obstacles/events starting in my 3rd month & culminating late in my 8th month. This whole series of events seemed so dramatic -- that I became embarrassed & stoppedreally talking about it. I've been through almost a year of extended sleep loss which led to two separate Hep C flare-ups & has tanked my health in just about every way possible. My dysfunctional relationship w/ a man who was using benzos & is still on M'done became intolerable for me after I got clean as I found the consequences we incurred from his bizarre behavior on pills to be unacceptable. He is, however, an extremely decent & kind man & breaking this off was guilt-wracking but it had to be done for both of us. In my fifth month or so I went through a period of deep grief/angst over all the friends I've lost to drugs & suicide that I'd never mourned properly. In month seven & early eight we (out of necessity we still lived together which was crazy & contentious) were evicted from our apartment of 8 yrs & moved in (just) to a 'friends' place. (Someone I didn't really know & that he was friends with from the Methadone clinic.) My ex was subsequently told he couldn't stay there (b/c of benzo behavior) He's currently homeless which breaks my heart. The last of these horrors was a sexual assault by strangers. I journaled about it & left it up for a week. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do but I knew that I needed to come forward otherwise I'd disappear into myself w/ the numbness, shame & hurt of it.
After the assault, I was completely shut down. I thank those people who were there for me in whatever way they were. You'll never know how important your help was as I had none here in Boston. (Thank you Digger & Ben in particular.) I promised myself that somehow something good would come out of something so seemingly terrible. I've worked & fought too damned hard over this year to give in, to go backwards, to lose myself (whoever that is @ this point!) So, I went out & got my resumes & cover letters done (again thanks to Caroline, Ben & Ang for their online technical help & encouragement.) I got a job & have been working full time in the afternoons & evenings for Whole Foods.
I was really shut down for a while & then I started to have good days again where I feel the old fire, the joy of being alive & an interest in other people. The thing is, lately, I've felt increasingly uninspired/unmotivated & apathetic. I haven't been feeling hope for the future. I haven't been feeling good about myself & my prospects for a contented or peaceful life. I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep again. So, all I do is work & sleep. I've cut off all my old friends out of necessity. I'm not at all secure or comfortable in my current living situation. I've been concerned that I haven't felt the need or the inspiration to reach out & post in support of others -- that I haven't been in contact with family & that I've got nothing to really say to even my closest online friends. I find myself both aching/hurting inside & walking around numb by turns. I'm just so solitary these days & often feel 'removed' from & down on myself. I'm a people person & crave meaning this way. This happens most often on my days off (unfortunately.) This is probably the first time that I've truly been alone in my life. I guess I'm not good at it! (smile) I'm concerned that if I don't engage again that I will eventually use. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I being impatient with the process? I just needed to talk, guys & I thank you so much for listening.
When we were using, we were never in the "present." To the contrary, we were numb to hurdles and hardships. I'm just guessing, but what you've experienced over the past year probably isn't much different - and probably far less disturbing - than some of the crazy and awful things that happened in your life when you were under the influence.
Now that you're clean, you've got the gift of perception. Just try to embrace it. You're just now grasping that life is dysfunctional with a boyfriend hooked on opiates and benzos. You've moved-on, found a job.... these are things you probably never would have done before. This, my dear friend and coach, is progress.
Almost 6-months clean, I'm still not as personable or energetic as I was, when I was hopped-up on 25 norcos per day. We burned most of our dopamine and serotonin reserves, but our bodies and minds do, and will, recover. It just takes time and willpower.
At least we are no longer in constant despair, wallowing in anxiety, wondering how to get our next supply, and whether we can ever break the chains of addiction.
You're free, Annie! Keep forging ahead with the beautiful gift of perception - reflect on the hardships and learn from them - but don't forget to perceive and soak-in the good things in life, including the innocence of living clean.
Dear Friend..You and I have walked this Journey together for a Year now. I know all about ALL of your struggles, but yet you would always be here for me everyday when I needed you. I was already 3 months in before I joined on here, but I will never forget the first PM we sent each other. Also Annie
that we have continued to care very much for each other. I have always had the up most respect in your writing ability's too.
Annie you have backed me up more then I can count. Many times I was speechless on what to say about your live in situation with S..I was really hurt when I could feel your pain over the phone after that assault. I had offered to help you out so many times, but you continued to stand on your own 2 feet.
I find you a Very Wise, Intelligent, Beautiful, Caring Person. YOU should give Your Self LOTS of credit for just being YOU!!
We have compared notes with each other day by day and week by week..Now Months turned into a Year or so..I think the Year mark was my best corner to turn in this Recovery so far.
Now!! People say at my AA/NA that they isolated them selves when they used..Well I did not..I went to work and came home and worked and I went and visited and did lots of outings..It was not until I had 40 days in that I started to stay home..I would only hit all the Meetings 7 days a week for many, many Months. I was just talking to my Hub and Family about not wanting to go anywhere. This is not like me and I feel it was not you either..I was wondering if it was just age becasue I am comfortable being home alone with my Hub or do I just feel Safe at home. I was beginning to think it was wrong..Well it is not wrong..This makes me Happy..I will go out to functions, meetings, or to eat out, or even camping etc.,etc,. but most of the time I am glad to just stay home and work around here.
So if you are OK with being alone for now so be it...Maybe our Lord wants you to kick it a bit and start writing that Book we talked about..Now you know you have to be alone to concentrate on that.
Annie you will be fine. Some of us have gone through the same process as you have described, and about the way you feel right now..I know I did..And I sure know that you do know all about it..lol
I am so glad you just let this all flow out on here from Your Heart. I love you girl and everything will be fine. The Universe of Attraction is how Positive are Thought process is..Give good positive thoughts and it well continue to flow around you.lol
Bless U Always
Vickie
that we have continued to care very much for each other. I have always had the up most respect in your writing ability's too.
Annie you have backed me up more then I can count. Many times I was speechless on what to say about your live in situation with S..I was really hurt when I could feel your pain over the phone after that assault. I had offered to help you out so many times, but you continued to stand on your own 2 feet.
I find you a Very Wise, Intelligent, Beautiful, Caring Person. YOU should give Your Self LOTS of credit for just being YOU!!
We have compared notes with each other day by day and week by week..Now Months turned into a Year or so..I think the Year mark was my best corner to turn in this Recovery so far.
Now!! People say at my AA/NA that they isolated them selves when they used..Well I did not..I went to work and came home and worked and I went and visited and did lots of outings..It was not until I had 40 days in that I started to stay home..I would only hit all the Meetings 7 days a week for many, many Months. I was just talking to my Hub and Family about not wanting to go anywhere. This is not like me and I feel it was not you either..I was wondering if it was just age becasue I am comfortable being home alone with my Hub or do I just feel Safe at home. I was beginning to think it was wrong..Well it is not wrong..This makes me Happy..I will go out to functions, meetings, or to eat out, or even camping etc.,etc,. but most of the time I am glad to just stay home and work around here.
So if you are OK with being alone for now so be it...Maybe our Lord wants you to kick it a bit and start writing that Book we talked about..Now you know you have to be alone to concentrate on that.
Annie you will be fine. Some of us have gone through the same process as you have described, and about the way you feel right now..I know I did..And I sure know that you do know all about it..lol
I am so glad you just let this all flow out on here from Your Heart. I love you girl and everything will be fine. The Universe of Attraction is how Positive are Thought process is..Give good positive thoughts and it well continue to flow around you.lol
Bless U Always
Vickie
LOL Kyle @ stepping off of the front porch .!
Annie I sent you a PM friend. I will be trying to think of something that will make this easier for you . That year is coming up soon and I know that all of the other stuff is weighing on you in addition. There is also work and "the days not working"which I can really relate to. Hope you are around later friend. Keep going and keep doing.The inertia will carry you .
Annie I sent you a PM friend. I will be trying to think of something that will make this easier for you . That year is coming up soon and I know that all of the other stuff is weighing on you in addition. There is also work and "the days not working"which I can really relate to. Hope you are around later friend. Keep going and keep doing.The inertia will carry you .
I thought I'd been around the block a couple of times during my 28 years of addiction, but after reading your post, I realize that haven't even stepped off my front porch yet.
My respect and admiration for you has increased a hundredfold; I can now understand a bit better where your wisdom comes from, and am amazed at how much you've given others.
I know that none of this helps you with your current situation; I don't know if I can offer anything other than to say that you deserve nothing but the best, and once you've accepted that, then your recovery will become less, uh , bumpy.
Thank you for everything.
K
My respect and admiration for you has increased a hundredfold; I can now understand a bit better where your wisdom comes from, and am amazed at how much you've given others.
I know that none of this helps you with your current situation; I don't know if I can offer anything other than to say that you deserve nothing but the best, and once you've accepted that, then your recovery will become less, uh , bumpy.
Thank you for everything.
K
I am SO sorry you are feeling the way that you do! However, I feel that anyone who has been what you have been through this last year would be depressed. I applaud you on not going back on pills.. Actually, I find it amazing! I hope you get the help and friendships you need to get you out of your dark place. You sound like an amazing person..
I was sitting trying to find the right words to help my friend out, and you just hit the nail on the head, as usual, ;) thank you Sarah, truly!
Annie, you just know how much I love you. I can't believe I missed how much your Isolating. You just know how much I hate your situation, the place your stuck, S and everything else! So glad you posted for support, I do worry though, keep your head up, I know I can't do much from over here. I'll keep an open line on chat for you, please talk soon, ;)
Annie, you just know how much I love you. I can't believe I missed how much your Isolating. You just know how much I hate your situation, the place your stuck, S and everything else! So glad you posted for support, I do worry though, keep your head up, I know I can't do much from over here. I'll keep an open line on chat for you, please talk soon, ;)
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