Aa
I'm on day two...
So I'm on day two of no pills. Again.... I've been trying to quit cold turkey for months.... I'll be honest, I don't even know if you can call what I go through quitting...
I've been steeling my dad's prescribed vicadin for more than two years. I don't even remember why I began, but at this point it doesn't matter... He needs them as part of his pain management for the neuropathy in his legs from sevier diabetes. For the better part of a year I've been in a vicious cycle of stealing them from him for a few weeks and then trying to stop for a few weeks (the first year I did this I didn't give it much thought, assuming I was just having fun and could quit when ever) . Thank God I don't know or Associate with anyone that could supply them to me or I'm sure I'd be so much worse off.
When I take them I'm taking 10 to 12 pills a day. When he starts to run low I've always been able to stop taking them until he gets more but no matter how determined I am, I can't manage to stay away once the bottles on his desk again. As soon as I hear or see that he's got more, it's like a switch goes off in my head. I can't sleep, my stomach hurts more than normal, I get headaches. I don't even enjoy it anymore. I just sit and and wonder what kind of ****** up person I have become to be to do this to my father and family. If it couldn't get any worse, I think my dad blames my sister, who was always "the bad one", despite her moving back in to make a real start at life, last year...
I've never told anybody about this, nor have I ever spoken aloud about it to anybody... I realize I am an addict but I've known that for almost a year and it hasn't stopped me yet. if that plus the guilt of what I'm doing to my family isn't enough, what will be? Death? or worse, being ostracized from my family...
I guess the point of this post is to try and approach this from a different angle. I need to make what I'm doing real, as it doesn't feel real right now.
I've been steeling my dad's prescribed vicadin for more than two years. I don't even remember why I began, but at this point it doesn't matter... He needs them as part of his pain management for the neuropathy in his legs from sevier diabetes. For the better part of a year I've been in a vicious cycle of stealing them from him for a few weeks and then trying to stop for a few weeks (the first year I did this I didn't give it much thought, assuming I was just having fun and could quit when ever) . Thank God I don't know or Associate with anyone that could supply them to me or I'm sure I'd be so much worse off.
When I take them I'm taking 10 to 12 pills a day. When he starts to run low I've always been able to stop taking them until he gets more but no matter how determined I am, I can't manage to stay away once the bottles on his desk again. As soon as I hear or see that he's got more, it's like a switch goes off in my head. I can't sleep, my stomach hurts more than normal, I get headaches. I don't even enjoy it anymore. I just sit and and wonder what kind of ****** up person I have become to be to do this to my father and family. If it couldn't get any worse, I think my dad blames my sister, who was always "the bad one", despite her moving back in to make a real start at life, last year...
I've never told anybody about this, nor have I ever spoken aloud about it to anybody... I realize I am an addict but I've known that for almost a year and it hasn't stopped me yet. if that plus the guilt of what I'm doing to my family isn't enough, what will be? Death? or worse, being ostracized from my family...
I guess the point of this post is to try and approach this from a different angle. I need to make what I'm doing real, as it doesn't feel real right now.
Tell the truth it will set you free! I'm sure dad knows anyway. Good luck whatever you decide to go. But for sure, you must keep going and building on these two days you have! It's great! The time is now.
Aww honey....it took alot of courage to post....proud of u... but I have several questions...the first one...if your taking 10 or more of dads pills....where does he think all those pills went?? Just wondering if he already knows " smothings wrong".....I bet he does....he just doesnt know the whole story....
Im a mom...and when it comes to my kids....well id do anything to help them...even if they were stealing from me...Sure id be hurt...but id be more worried about their well being than they even know...
to give u an example...my son whos 22 got a dui two years ago....he was so worried I was gonna kick him to the curb....never. I was truely worried about him...I wanted to help him not punish him... I bet your dad feels the same.
you need help now. Before this addiction grows. And honey it only will get worst. Sooo.....youve tak3n a huge first step talking about it on here....please take the next step and talk to dad...
Im a mom...and when it comes to my kids....well id do anything to help them...even if they were stealing from me...Sure id be hurt...but id be more worried about their well being than they even know...
to give u an example...my son whos 22 got a dui two years ago....he was so worried I was gonna kick him to the curb....never. I was truely worried about him...I wanted to help him not punish him... I bet your dad feels the same.
you need help now. Before this addiction grows. And honey it only will get worst. Sooo.....youve tak3n a huge first step talking about it on here....please take the next step and talk to dad...
hey wantochange, I read you post a couple of times, it is very compelling, you have such an honest voice and I can hear the pain of your story. I don't think what you're doing is so unusual or bad! not that im condoning it but I am just trying to put it into perspective with what some of the rest of us here have done to get our pills!!! ok? your not a hardened criminal ... im guessing ... I think its normal to fear talking to your dad, and maybe youre right that your parents won't support your issues ... yet, I think almost any family is open to honesty as well as to a legitimate plea for help and understanding. even if they don't support you perhaps it won't be as bad as your dad no longer speaking to you. anyway your health and mental clarity, as well as emotional peace, are at stake. you can't deny the importance of your own well being!!! as far as the lies, I remember how cloudy my thinking got while using. don't worry about all of that. there is one thing you have to say, and that is clear. say that. :)
I've considered AN and AA, but I'm super shy, I don't think I can do that, at least not yet.... I'm also not a big fan of the religious aspects.
I don't know if this next statement is driven by genuine fear or just a symptom of the addiction, but I am terrified that he'll never speak to me again, not that I can say I'd blame him. I have wanted to tell him for a very long time, to tell anybody I guess. I don't think I'll get any support from my parents though. I'm sure he's not stupid and I know he knows he's missing some but it's been a long time since he told me if he was still blaming my sister or if he now suspects me.
I've been trying to move out for months, thinking it would make it easier for me to quit but I don't really have anywhere else to go and I don't make enough money to live on my own. If I can just stay off them for long enough to find a good job, I could move out and tell him then. I lost a really good job last year, probably because of the pills, all though I was never told that A friend that worked with me was forced to take a drug test right after I was let go. Yeah, for all that this is my own private hell I can imagine what it could be and it's beginning to scare the crap out of me...
Thank you amanda, I don't know that it's much of an achievement though. I just couldn't come up with anything else for the title.
The lies are so numerous that I mix them up when I'm not hi... I know I need to tell my dad....
Thank you all for responding... I intend to stick around in the hopes that it may help.
I don't know if this next statement is driven by genuine fear or just a symptom of the addiction, but I am terrified that he'll never speak to me again, not that I can say I'd blame him. I have wanted to tell him for a very long time, to tell anybody I guess. I don't think I'll get any support from my parents though. I'm sure he's not stupid and I know he knows he's missing some but it's been a long time since he told me if he was still blaming my sister or if he now suspects me.
I've been trying to move out for months, thinking it would make it easier for me to quit but I don't really have anywhere else to go and I don't make enough money to live on my own. If I can just stay off them for long enough to find a good job, I could move out and tell him then. I lost a really good job last year, probably because of the pills, all though I was never told that A friend that worked with me was forced to take a drug test right after I was let go. Yeah, for all that this is my own private hell I can imagine what it could be and it's beginning to scare the crap out of me...
Thank you amanda, I don't know that it's much of an achievement though. I just couldn't come up with anything else for the title.
The lies are so numerous that I mix them up when I'm not hi... I know I need to tell my dad....
Thank you all for responding... I intend to stick around in the hopes that it may help.
The lies are par for the course when you're an addict. I'm sure that ever single person on here can agree that they have lied numerous times regarding their addiction. I know that I have.....and I hate that part of myself....I actually hate the entire addict side of myself altogether. Most people say that when you are ready to quit for good, you need to cut your sources so that you have no way to get pills when that addict side of you is screaming at you to take more of them. This would require coming clean to your dad....which I'm sure will be no easy task for you. I cringe even thinking about being put in that situation. But if you are serious about getting clean once and for all, this is what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to recovery <3
well im sure the real you is tellin yourself i should tell dad, but the addict part of you is saying YES i wana quit but WHAT if i decide i want more and ive already told my dad that im taking his meds....then i wont be able to get n e more......so my solution for u is 2 be honest......itll pay dividends and your dad has 2 know hes missing pills everyone if its been goin on for years!! Our parents arnt as stupid as we would like to think!! its guna b hard to put yourself on the chopping block but if u have no other means of getting pills then its seeems the only solution 2 your problems!! just be grateful its not worse like many of us on here let it get to.....seemingly endless supplies leads 2 a nightmare way of living, b strong take chage
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