Aa
Internal Battle
OK, I am having a devil/angel conflicted moment today. I have been planning on quitting norco. About 8 a day makes me comfortable. I posted yesterday about the "friend" woman who sells to me is asking me to meet her today to give her $100 to tide her over until the meet later this month. I want to quit, but I keep going back and thinking I should just give her the money cause what if I can't make it? I am broke to be quite frank. I know this is all crazy, and the smart and right thing to do is not give her a thing and walk away. Even though I know all of that, I am still so tempted to just give it to her so I do not have to hurt. Just one more time so I can taper some more. The more I think about it, the worse I feel about myself for not being able to just walk away. How can I get into the place you all were when you quit? Give up sources, move on, and face the withdrawals. You all seem so strong, and I feel so weak. Like I don't fit with you. Like you have something I do not or you can do the impossible, and I can't. Please do not yell at me. I know I am frustrating. I just need some help. I keep waiting for the comment that will change me and make me say, I do not want to give her this money and stand her up today.
So proud of you! Keep walking the walk. You will get better, it'll take time & perseverence. Try NA (yeah I know I've said before) but you need live people to help you thru. You will need someone who can relate when the pain starts. You can do this! I'm here & praying for your recovery. XOXOX
I am so grateful the Lord didn't get my attention that way! You are a brave woman and I am so glad you're here!
Dear cat,
Listen, I had a very rude awakening two weeks ago. I won't go into the little details, but I'll give you the general picture. For MONTHS! I had been praying," Lord PLEASE, each time I think of those pills, turn my thoughts to you instead" I could hear the spirit telling me, "don't do this, you are going to far" the more I tried to stop the other voice would say "ah, just do it" Each time I took or handled those pills I felt like I was swallowing 8 to 10 demons at a time.
Beleve it or not, my Prayer was answered..... I was thrown into jail because I had 4 pills on me & did not have my prescription bottle. I have never been in that kind trouble in my life. I have a somewhat successful business and am always home by 6:pm. I have a great husband who loves me.
I was cuffed, held in a holding cell from 9pm to 1:30 am, then taken to the Womens Correctional Facility where they made me strip down, gave inmates clothing, THEN @ 3am, I was able to make a phone call to my frantic husband "who thought I was dead". and I had to tell him what had happened. It took a good two days to get me out.
I was going through horrible W/D's. And in jail, they didn't care about my aches, chills, sweats, crawling skin, and top it off, I had to use the bathroom in front of the guard & all the inmates. (embarrasing)
This could happen to anyone.... I know god showed his grace & mercy on me that terrible day. I could have lost my freedom, husband, everything! to a stupid pill (Devil). Well, I have finally said NO. Monday, I plan on checking in to a hospital.
I just found this site. I had no idea this was available. I know this is just the begining for me too.... but at least we can do it together......
Listen, I had a very rude awakening two weeks ago. I won't go into the little details, but I'll give you the general picture. For MONTHS! I had been praying," Lord PLEASE, each time I think of those pills, turn my thoughts to you instead" I could hear the spirit telling me, "don't do this, you are going to far" the more I tried to stop the other voice would say "ah, just do it" Each time I took or handled those pills I felt like I was swallowing 8 to 10 demons at a time.
Beleve it or not, my Prayer was answered..... I was thrown into jail because I had 4 pills on me & did not have my prescription bottle. I have never been in that kind trouble in my life. I have a somewhat successful business and am always home by 6:pm. I have a great husband who loves me.
I was cuffed, held in a holding cell from 9pm to 1:30 am, then taken to the Womens Correctional Facility where they made me strip down, gave inmates clothing, THEN @ 3am, I was able to make a phone call to my frantic husband "who thought I was dead". and I had to tell him what had happened. It took a good two days to get me out.
I was going through horrible W/D's. And in jail, they didn't care about my aches, chills, sweats, crawling skin, and top it off, I had to use the bathroom in front of the guard & all the inmates. (embarrasing)
This could happen to anyone.... I know god showed his grace & mercy on me that terrible day. I could have lost my freedom, husband, everything! to a stupid pill (Devil). Well, I have finally said NO. Monday, I plan on checking in to a hospital.
I just found this site. I had no idea this was available. I know this is just the begining for me too.... but at least we can do it together......
catlover u r an inspiration to us all i think u have just taken the hardest step against the the good fight as my girlfriend calls it.....good for u
Hey! I did it! I actually did it! I changed my number and now I have no worries about her ever calling me again. I deleted her number and I do not have it memorized. I am one step closer. $36 to change the number, but I think it is worth the $800 I would save this month. I was supposed to give $100 today. $100 of my hard earned money that I could use for something to celebrate my first day of taking the right step. Like a pair of new jeans or something for me. I will actually have them a month from now. I have w wasted so much time and money on small, yellow pills that are ruining me and my life. I have nothing to show for it. I am starting again. I will pay off my bills. By taking these steps, I will eventually sleep without Ambien, I have never had trouble sleeping before the pills. Used to love it. I will go wherever whenever and be dedicated to work again. I can stop freaking about money and how on earth I will get those little yellow devils this month. Yall, I have been doing whatever this woman wanted me to for so long. Driving wherever she is to get them. Taking her to lunch and paying for that, too. Taking he on errand and to the mall cause she had no car. Just running myself ragged for those pills. Could never **** her off cause the pills would be gone. Now, she can't get me. I can stop without the fear of waking up and seeing her number or a number she has used to call me on my phone. It will be hard, and I might even think I regret the change tomorrow morning when I am hurting, but I will try to keep these things in mind as I carry on. That all I have done is carry around this stress and anxiety for so long. After detox, I can find help and be free. As free as an addict ever gets. I have never been this serious about this before. I am surprised by my actions.
That's the spirit. read the post of the poeole recovering. They ispire me everyday to keep putting on foot in front of the other. Just like you making the first and right step. Sorry to be so harsh to you but I just could not lie and let you keep thinking thats its all about a dealer. The posts were more about that vampire that is sucking the very life out of you. I am going to be very blunt here........
This is Life & Death we are dealing with here!
Pills will eventually dictate every aspect of your life. ( Just like you feel now about watching a movie without them) They will tell you when you can sleep, work, eat, crap smile or frown, go places or not, who your friends will or wont be, if you are happy or sad, sick or feeling good, sex or no sex, friendly or mean and they don't stop there.
Soon you body begins to reject them. No ****, your physical body will at some time begin to reject them because of your tolerence level. They will NOT give you the euphoric feeling. I'm not trying to scare you but it the truth. Soon they wont get you high!!! That is why I am here now.
The chemicals will start destroying your liver, pancreas, stomach lining, intestines and on and on. By then your spiritual and emotionl heath will be so compromised by living under the influence of chemicals you will find it hard to cope with day to day issues that normal people never worry about.
It is a cruel disease that respects no one. Arrest it now with us. Slay it before it slays you.
I say these things all in love as a fellow sufferer who is now a recovering OVERCOMER !!!
With love in Christ to you,
Dafishman
This is Life & Death we are dealing with here!
Pills will eventually dictate every aspect of your life. ( Just like you feel now about watching a movie without them) They will tell you when you can sleep, work, eat, crap smile or frown, go places or not, who your friends will or wont be, if you are happy or sad, sick or feeling good, sex or no sex, friendly or mean and they don't stop there.
Soon you body begins to reject them. No ****, your physical body will at some time begin to reject them because of your tolerence level. They will NOT give you the euphoric feeling. I'm not trying to scare you but it the truth. Soon they wont get you high!!! That is why I am here now.
The chemicals will start destroying your liver, pancreas, stomach lining, intestines and on and on. By then your spiritual and emotionl heath will be so compromised by living under the influence of chemicals you will find it hard to cope with day to day issues that normal people never worry about.
It is a cruel disease that respects no one. Arrest it now with us. Slay it before it slays you.
I say these things all in love as a fellow sufferer who is now a recovering OVERCOMER !!!
With love in Christ to you,
Dafishman
Go girl! I got clean in 1989 & relapsed 2004. Had an accident & have been doing norco 20 a day since. I always run out & I spend about 5 days feeling like hell, go back to my dr & get more. Because I have been using "legally" I have now been flagged at the pharmacies & can't fill the rx. Thank God! It was the push I needed because I would promise myself every month that this was it. What a deal though: 240 pills for $5! I'm on day 6. starting to feel better. I was always too paranoid to find a source as my husband would notice money missing. I am 46 educated, married, mom. I am surprised I didn't shut down my liver or kidneys from all the Tylenol. That actually scared me more than the drug. How do I live without my little yellow friends? One day, hour, minute & sometimes second at time. Keep coming back kitty cat! Find a meeting & go! No one will judge you there!
Oh I am so proud of you. i know its hard, but you can do this! We will all be here for you. yay!!!!!! I saw your post to cap and girl, I told you we needed you here. You jsut made me smile. See, when you're clean that's all it takes to feel real joy again. I am routing for you! Big Hugs coming your way!
OK. I'm in. I am changin my cell # cause I am too afraid to call her. I am the most no confrontational person ever and the thought that I could know she can't get in touch with me makes me happy. I could make a clean break. I'll write as soon as it's done. Oh, and I deleted her bank info for giving her $. Not gonna do it!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly? the first week is really tough, the second week a little bit easier. I laughed with my family mor this week than ever. Something happens. It's like you cant imagine living without them and then you are so grateful that they dont rule your life. You can do this and I promise you that you will not regret it. Pills lead to a life of destruction. you are better than that. All these girls I talk to on here are so much happier off the pills. do you miss them? a little at first but the joys of real life make up for it. came on I know you know that.
Can you all sit and watch a movie and not need the pills? Or have a happy Sunday afternoon without the pills? Or just be excited about your day without the pills? It is so stupid, but I feel like I have no idea how to be excited or happy about my day without the pills.
You will feel happy again, but it''ll be you feeling happy, not the pills. I can tell that you're smart. Use your heart and your head. If you didnt want to quit, you would not have come here. For me there was this small window. If i didnt jump out when i did, i woudl still be "in the cycle". You know what you have to do. You have a lor to offer, I am certain of it.
You are soooooooo right. I am not doing well at the taper. I am using because I am sad and angry and SCARED, so I am furiously using the last of what I have. I get scared and upset cause I don't know how to feel, so I am taking more than my body even needs to feel normal. How long have you been off them? I hope you don't give up. You are easy to relate to. I am only 26 years old. College degree and an overachiever. If I can quit this, I will have so much ahead of me. Thank you for not making me feel uncomfortable.
Yes, I am a problem here. I thought I was able to tell you all how I was feeling even though I know it is not the right way to feel. I am aware that it is not the right decision to make to go back. I wish it was that easy. To just say, "I am done. I am 'in the game'." I am not so sure it is that simple. I am trying to reach a place in my head where I want this more than anything. My head keeps saying that I will never feel that level of happiness or euphoria again without the pills. I will never just relax and chill again. That nice fun feeling I got from just having the pills will be gone forever. That is the only thing that keeps me from letting go. Everything else, I am ready with. How do I get past that? So, in short, if it were that easy for me, I would make it that easy. How did you all get past thinking about never having them again and never having that feeling again?
Cat,
she is a parasite & you are me. You will not taper, you will use at an even more furios rate because you are freaked & fixing makes you feel better. I did the math & you are spending $50 a day. I would have sold my soul yesterday for 3 norco just to get me over the hump. Unless you stop those humps will be unending waves & you will be back in the sea of despair. Sobriety is your lighthouse. Make your way toward it. You must cut ties with this person if you want to live. If I sound harsh it's because I am having this conversation with myself every day! Be strong! Google Narcotics Anonymous & find a meeting in your area & get to it pronto! This is not something you can do alone. Remember, a burden shared is a burden halved. Good luck kitty cat!
she is a parasite & you are me. You will not taper, you will use at an even more furios rate because you are freaked & fixing makes you feel better. I did the math & you are spending $50 a day. I would have sold my soul yesterday for 3 norco just to get me over the hump. Unless you stop those humps will be unending waves & you will be back in the sea of despair. Sobriety is your lighthouse. Make your way toward it. You must cut ties with this person if you want to live. If I sound harsh it's because I am having this conversation with myself every day! Be strong! Google Narcotics Anonymous & find a meeting in your area & get to it pronto! This is not something you can do alone. Remember, a burden shared is a burden halved. Good luck kitty cat!
I have one question.
Do you think you could be the problem instead of the dealer?
Really,,, stop making excuses!!!!!!!!! Tell the lady to f-off and get with the program. I am sorry to be so blunt. You ned to realize that you are holding onto the dealer as an excuse and a trap door to run back and use. Until you are ready to quit you wont. When you are ready you can. Until you choose life instead of pills you will always be vasilating back and forth.
We can can all be your cheerleader but you have to be in the game.
Dafishman
Do you think you could be the problem instead of the dealer?
Really,,, stop making excuses!!!!!!!!! Tell the lady to f-off and get with the program. I am sorry to be so blunt. You ned to realize that you are holding onto the dealer as an excuse and a trap door to run back and use. Until you are ready to quit you wont. When you are ready you can. Until you choose life instead of pills you will always be vasilating back and forth.
We can can all be your cheerleader but you have to be in the game.
Dafishman
I'm writing down all the reasons that I should send the text and block her. I have a pro and con list. The thing is. I am broke. Even if I were to give her this, and I bought another month's supply, I would just be prolinging the inevitable. I would have a couple more weeks of comfort, and then be right back here. I could be better by Feb 5th if I was quitting next Thursday like I had planned. Then, on the date I was supposed to buy, I could actually be feeling better and almost be free of with drawals. I know I have to do this. I am working up the guts to do it. I have to make this decision. No turning back once it is done. I am so scared to make this final choice.
Cat,
Honey she is no friend if she is giving you these pills. She know s your hooked. It's her income at stake. That would make anyone mad. Text her, then turn off your phone. You must do this. If not, next time it's gonna be the same thing. You said yourself atht you can not afford it. Go back and read the posts from last night. Tel her you are done...no more calls, texts becasue you are cutting off all ties to all connections.
I want you to get your life back as much as you do. Have courage, be strong and pray. xxoo
Honey she is no friend if she is giving you these pills. She know s your hooked. It's her income at stake. That would make anyone mad. Text her, then turn off your phone. You must do this. If not, next time it's gonna be the same thing. You said yourself atht you can not afford it. Go back and read the posts from last night. Tel her you are done...no more calls, texts becasue you are cutting off all ties to all connections.
I want you to get your life back as much as you do. Have courage, be strong and pray. xxoo
I keep reading these and wanting to pick up the phone, text her and say, "I am addicted to these pills. I am sick. I want to get better, and I cannot do that with you in my life. Do not call or text me anymore. I need you out of my life so I can get better and get my life back. I have smart limits, ut I keep unblocking her number cause I am so scared. If I said that, I could then block her for good. I am so fragile right now I can hardly deal with an exchange of mean texts to follow or several phone calls. She says she has been there for me in the past, and the truth is, other than pills, there was one big thing she did for me. I was pregnant, and she took me to the clinic to have a set of shots that made my menstration cycle start again. She woke up at 6:00 AM and took me when I could tell no one and was at my worst. I feel guilty for not giving her the money because of this. Like this woman was there when I was terrifired and has no one. I am a terrible person for wanting to not even explain myself and just never talk to her again.
Moonshyne and sweatinit said it best....
I had to remove numbers, flush remaining pills, and post my a$$ off on here. I had to want to quit more than I wanted to get high. I tapered, I weaned, and then I got tired of the obsession of "when is my next dose", so I got rid of em.
DO THIS> SAVE YOUR A$$!!!!
You dont want them, your disease does......
I wish you the best and truly hope you remove this "friend haha" from your life.
Amy
I had to remove numbers, flush remaining pills, and post my a$$ off on here. I had to want to quit more than I wanted to get high. I tapered, I weaned, and then I got tired of the obsession of "when is my next dose", so I got rid of em.
DO THIS> SAVE YOUR A$$!!!!
You dont want them, your disease does......
I wish you the best and truly hope you remove this "friend haha" from your life.
Amy
hey, I am glad you posted.
Listen, I'm gonna say some stuff that you need to hear. I am not being mean or pushy, but you need to save your life here. Look if you meet this woman, you are not serious about quitting drugs. You have to make the decision either way. You can not be wishy washy. Most of us were not "strong" until we stopped using. Each day you go without doing pills, you too will egt stronger and stronger. You need to stop this game of russian roulette! Only you can make that decision though. AND you have to do it for you. You're worth it! So quit listening to satan and start listenign to God. Quit now while you can. Idont know how old you are, but i am 43 and have tekend them for many, many years. These will steal away your life and beofre you know it, you'll be 43 asking youself why and how you let this ahppen.
One more thing. Your post last night helped me more than you'll ever know. I layed n bed and thought about your honesty. I could hear your struggle on the page. I had 2 really rough days and our post help me understand what I was feeling. so you see, we need you here!
Please dont give in and dont give up. You are worth everything. Kepp posting. xxoo
Listen, I'm gonna say some stuff that you need to hear. I am not being mean or pushy, but you need to save your life here. Look if you meet this woman, you are not serious about quitting drugs. You have to make the decision either way. You can not be wishy washy. Most of us were not "strong" until we stopped using. Each day you go without doing pills, you too will egt stronger and stronger. You need to stop this game of russian roulette! Only you can make that decision though. AND you have to do it for you. You're worth it! So quit listening to satan and start listenign to God. Quit now while you can. Idont know how old you are, but i am 43 and have tekend them for many, many years. These will steal away your life and beofre you know it, you'll be 43 asking youself why and how you let this ahppen.
One more thing. Your post last night helped me more than you'll ever know. I layed n bed and thought about your honesty. I could hear your struggle on the page. I had 2 really rough days and our post help me understand what I was feeling. so you see, we need you here!
Please dont give in and dont give up. You are worth everything. Kepp posting. xxoo
YOU CAN MAKE IT!! By telling that lady to hit the road you liberate yourself. Its the first step in reclaiming your life. She sounds very selfish and does not give a hoot about you so you shouldn't worry about her. You need to put YOU first.
I had to do the same thing and it was scary but felt very empowered when I finally put an end to the source. Luckily my source was a friend for years and she will not be selling me anymore. She made that very clear to me and I'm glad. I can't get anymore now and have just enough to get me through to Sunday. Monday I am starting my detox and cancelling my doctors appointment and at my next appointment I'm going to tell the doctor I don't want them anymore.
And you do fit in here - completely!! I am determined to do this but I have a lot of fears too. I have to find new ways of coping with pain, stress etc and basically a whole new way of life. My world is about to go topsy turvy but I know in the end it will be so worth it.
Your in the battle for your life and need a battleplan. Pick a quit date and tell your ''friend'' that your done with pills. If she whines, throws a guilt trip on you etc repeat it again, ''maybe you didnt hear me - IM DONE!''. You have to be firm with her. She'll get the message. You CAN do this and the end result will be so worth it. Think of not having to waste money, count pills and be controlled by pills anymore. Think of the freedom that lies ahead for you. Get some aftercare in place, this forum is amazing and you can also check out some NA meetings and get in touch with an addictions counsellor.
YOU CAN DO THIS! And we will be here for you every step of the way.
I had to do the same thing and it was scary but felt very empowered when I finally put an end to the source. Luckily my source was a friend for years and she will not be selling me anymore. She made that very clear to me and I'm glad. I can't get anymore now and have just enough to get me through to Sunday. Monday I am starting my detox and cancelling my doctors appointment and at my next appointment I'm going to tell the doctor I don't want them anymore.
And you do fit in here - completely!! I am determined to do this but I have a lot of fears too. I have to find new ways of coping with pain, stress etc and basically a whole new way of life. My world is about to go topsy turvy but I know in the end it will be so worth it.
Your in the battle for your life and need a battleplan. Pick a quit date and tell your ''friend'' that your done with pills. If she whines, throws a guilt trip on you etc repeat it again, ''maybe you didnt hear me - IM DONE!''. You have to be firm with her. She'll get the message. You CAN do this and the end result will be so worth it. Think of not having to waste money, count pills and be controlled by pills anymore. Think of the freedom that lies ahead for you. Get some aftercare in place, this forum is amazing and you can also check out some NA meetings and get in touch with an addictions counsellor.
YOU CAN DO THIS! And we will be here for you every step of the way.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
