Aa
Is my husband self-medicating/abusing drugs?
Please tell me what to make of this situation. My husband has the following going:
1. long-standing Rx for buproprion (150 mg, 2 pills in the a.m.)
2. 360 pills of immediate release 10 mg generic adderall 3-4x/day but has never been diagnosed ADHD/ADD - filled Nov. 2014 and its now March 2015, about 8 pills left
3. Daily marijuana user since teen years (currently age 39). Medical use is legal in our state, he had a license for it which expired last year, but still using daily.
4. Every 6-8 months, prescriptions for tramadol (50 mg, 60 pills), lorazepam (1mg, 30 pills), Hydrocodone/acetaminophen 10-325 T (60 pills), or 800mg Ibuprofin - always for temporary back pain (i.e. woke up with back ache).
5. Drinks alcohol while taking these meds, but not in a way that's at all abusive or dependent.
Would it be worse if these were ALL prescribed by "a family member" in another person's name?
There's a lot of secrecy and lies around #2 above, including paying $400 out of pocket for it when we have insurance that covers it. And I'm confused about #4, why write it for 60 pills when the back ache will be gone in a week?
On top of all of this - if you haven't guessed it already - we're having severe problems in our three year old marriage. He is so, so unhappy with me as his wife. I can never make him happy enough and everything I do makes him unhappy.
I am a loyal person and need to understand if our marital issues are just me-as-a-terrible-wife, or possibly also due to something more, as shown by all this drug activity and/or the reason for it?
Thank you for any help. This is the first time I've reached out or told this to anyone, so I appreciate your support and patience with me.
1. long-standing Rx for buproprion (150 mg, 2 pills in the a.m.)
2. 360 pills of immediate release 10 mg generic adderall 3-4x/day but has never been diagnosed ADHD/ADD - filled Nov. 2014 and its now March 2015, about 8 pills left
3. Daily marijuana user since teen years (currently age 39). Medical use is legal in our state, he had a license for it which expired last year, but still using daily.
4. Every 6-8 months, prescriptions for tramadol (50 mg, 60 pills), lorazepam (1mg, 30 pills), Hydrocodone/acetaminophen 10-325 T (60 pills), or 800mg Ibuprofin - always for temporary back pain (i.e. woke up with back ache).
5. Drinks alcohol while taking these meds, but not in a way that's at all abusive or dependent.
Would it be worse if these were ALL prescribed by "a family member" in another person's name?
There's a lot of secrecy and lies around #2 above, including paying $400 out of pocket for it when we have insurance that covers it. And I'm confused about #4, why write it for 60 pills when the back ache will be gone in a week?
On top of all of this - if you haven't guessed it already - we're having severe problems in our three year old marriage. He is so, so unhappy with me as his wife. I can never make him happy enough and everything I do makes him unhappy.
I am a loyal person and need to understand if our marital issues are just me-as-a-terrible-wife, or possibly also due to something more, as shown by all this drug activity and/or the reason for it?
Thank you for any help. This is the first time I've reached out or told this to anyone, so I appreciate your support and patience with me.
Docwife your hub has a serious problem as you know. He is not only an addict but is engaged in criminal activity that could cause him to lose his license and livelihood. Sit him down and let him know the jig is up. He needs to go to inpatient care asap before the bottom drops out. Its not you making him unhappy, it's his addictions. He knows how dangerous this is but surely feels trapped. Get all the secrets out on the table, but expect lies, denial and accusations towards you. Likely he will blame you in some way but please know this is not the case. Its just how we operate. Be strong. Wishing you luck and love. Stay with us please and let us support you.
Thank you all for your insights and support. I've made an appointment with an attorney to start figuring this out and gratefully, we're already seeing a couples therapist weekly (where none of this has come up) so I can use her help to try to start to address this.
Even though I keep asking him how his day was, cooking meals for him, trying to include him in conversations with my son (my bio son, he is stepdad), etc, he hasn't really been speaking to me the past 3 days. Last night I checked in on him and asked how his day was. He told me all the things he says when he's on a down - I am so hopeless, i can't think, everything is pointless, I'd be better off dead, I broke down into tears 3 times at work today. I am sure my response was not at all useful, I just told him there's probably nothing I can say or do right now that will help, I love him and care about him and I'm sorry he feels like this. He didn't say anything, just more silence. I told him he has all the power and control in this situation, to make things better, to address these issues. Unfortunately, he assumed I meant our couples issues and he said he doesn't think we'll ever keep up the positive therapy tools long-term. I responded that that wasn't what I was talking about, but I agree that if we don't address this part of our relationship, we likely won't succeed. I think this next part may have been a little insensitive, but I thought it would help him see things clearly - I said all those things he's feeling are a sign of something more at play; I don't feel that way at all - I feel fine (I know, total amateur thing to say - this is all so new and so hard for me to figure out what/how to say things). I reminded him that when we decided two months ago to stay together, that getting a physician for him was on the list of fixes and addressing these medication and "other" (I can't say mental health or depression or any other clinical term w/o being accused of using his weaknesses against him) issues with a physician was one of my requests. He basically just turned away and said that that isn't what this is about.
He's still not talking to me as of this morning. I made him breakfast and coffee to go, left it on the counter when I was taking my son to school. When I got home, and walked in the door, we practically plowed right into each other on his way out the door - and it's so funny that this is the thing that bugs me, but the fact that he's walking out the door holding the food/coffee I made him and doesn't have the manpower to say "thanks for breakfast," makes me feel the most angry and done. haha, silly, I know, but I guess its a sign that he sees me as the problem, the *****, the one to be punished with his silence.
I know in #4 above, I listed a lot of drugs, but was I clear that he never takes them all at the same time; rather, its one of those at a time, every 6-8 months or so. Is there still a problem? He's so incredibly high-functioning and he would argue that he has to take these to stay functional with all the demands / stress on him in his job.
Vicki595 said something about mixing the Lorazepam with Buproprion and how that could cause issues, and it is that mix last week that created this down and his out-of-character anger/aggression. Similarly, the only other time I've seen him that out-of-character and aggressive was the week of Christmas - and looking back, maybe it was because the week before Christmas, he was mixing buproprion with some back pain meds (i can't recall what, but they were strong, and meant for someone post-surgery).
You guys are helping me so much to put some reality on this situation, but I'm also feeling a little weak like - "oh gosh, it's probably not as bad as they are perceiving it to be, he's so functional and so great 90% of the time and even though he's mixing all of this, he seems to be consuming in moderation...."
lol, I heart you all. You are warriors and I'm so grateful to cross paths with you at this weird juncture in my life.
Even though I keep asking him how his day was, cooking meals for him, trying to include him in conversations with my son (my bio son, he is stepdad), etc, he hasn't really been speaking to me the past 3 days. Last night I checked in on him and asked how his day was. He told me all the things he says when he's on a down - I am so hopeless, i can't think, everything is pointless, I'd be better off dead, I broke down into tears 3 times at work today. I am sure my response was not at all useful, I just told him there's probably nothing I can say or do right now that will help, I love him and care about him and I'm sorry he feels like this. He didn't say anything, just more silence. I told him he has all the power and control in this situation, to make things better, to address these issues. Unfortunately, he assumed I meant our couples issues and he said he doesn't think we'll ever keep up the positive therapy tools long-term. I responded that that wasn't what I was talking about, but I agree that if we don't address this part of our relationship, we likely won't succeed. I think this next part may have been a little insensitive, but I thought it would help him see things clearly - I said all those things he's feeling are a sign of something more at play; I don't feel that way at all - I feel fine (I know, total amateur thing to say - this is all so new and so hard for me to figure out what/how to say things). I reminded him that when we decided two months ago to stay together, that getting a physician for him was on the list of fixes and addressing these medication and "other" (I can't say mental health or depression or any other clinical term w/o being accused of using his weaknesses against him) issues with a physician was one of my requests. He basically just turned away and said that that isn't what this is about.
He's still not talking to me as of this morning. I made him breakfast and coffee to go, left it on the counter when I was taking my son to school. When I got home, and walked in the door, we practically plowed right into each other on his way out the door - and it's so funny that this is the thing that bugs me, but the fact that he's walking out the door holding the food/coffee I made him and doesn't have the manpower to say "thanks for breakfast," makes me feel the most angry and done. haha, silly, I know, but I guess its a sign that he sees me as the problem, the *****, the one to be punished with his silence.
I know in #4 above, I listed a lot of drugs, but was I clear that he never takes them all at the same time; rather, its one of those at a time, every 6-8 months or so. Is there still a problem? He's so incredibly high-functioning and he would argue that he has to take these to stay functional with all the demands / stress on him in his job.
Vicki595 said something about mixing the Lorazepam with Buproprion and how that could cause issues, and it is that mix last week that created this down and his out-of-character anger/aggression. Similarly, the only other time I've seen him that out-of-character and aggressive was the week of Christmas - and looking back, maybe it was because the week before Christmas, he was mixing buproprion with some back pain meds (i can't recall what, but they were strong, and meant for someone post-surgery).
You guys are helping me so much to put some reality on this situation, but I'm also feeling a little weak like - "oh gosh, it's probably not as bad as they are perceiving it to be, he's so functional and so great 90% of the time and even though he's mixing all of this, he seems to be consuming in moderation...."
lol, I heart you all. You are warriors and I'm so grateful to cross paths with you at this weird juncture in my life.
My heart goes out to you honey as I read this. I am going to give you some tough love because someone has got to try and get through to you. YOU are in complete denial. Let's go back and look at one important thing---he is taking medication that was NOT prescribed to him. He has not gone to a doctor and been diagnosed with anything so he took it upon himself to self-medicate. That in and of itself is a huge issue. I don't normally tell people this because it is not my place to come to this conclusion but this situation screams for the truth. HE IS AN ADDICT..there is no other way to say it. He is exhibiting typical addict behavior and he is in a dangerous place.
YOU have done nothing wrong and yet I hear it when you type that you feel guilty. He is throwing the blame on you for everything that is going on and you are believing it is true. How sad is that.
Tell me something..have you changed your feeling since this all began? Have you changed your behavior, attitude, etc. since this all began? I believe the answer is no. The drugs have changed HIM..not you.
I told you this before and I will say it again. He NEEDS help. YOU cannot fix him. He needs professional help. Marriage counseling is great but it is not the time to try and work on that. He needs to work on him first. He is going to counseling while high on drugs. How much do you think you guys are getting out of that. He can't love you if he doesn't love himself.
I also mentioned to you to try and talk with hum about it. Not confront but discuss instead. If you can't get that conversation going I don't know what to say. You can't force him so you are in a bad situation.The only thing you can do at this time is to make a decision about your marriage. Do you want to stay in a marriage like this? Do you want your son exposed to this? These are huge and life changing decisions and they are not meant to be done in one day.
I suggest that you get yourself into an Al-Anon group ASAP. You will learn about living with an active addict. You will be around people just like you and they will guide you through this process. I believe it would do you a world of good and I hope you will take the suggestion.
Here is the link to find a meeting near you. If there are none that you see you can call the toll free number listed. Please give it a try. You have nothing to lose.
http://al-anon.org/local-meetings
You are both in my prayers sweetie. Keep posting and talking with us here. I know it helps to get it all out. Someone is always here to support you.
YOU have done nothing wrong and yet I hear it when you type that you feel guilty. He is throwing the blame on you for everything that is going on and you are believing it is true. How sad is that.
Tell me something..have you changed your feeling since this all began? Have you changed your behavior, attitude, etc. since this all began? I believe the answer is no. The drugs have changed HIM..not you.
I told you this before and I will say it again. He NEEDS help. YOU cannot fix him. He needs professional help. Marriage counseling is great but it is not the time to try and work on that. He needs to work on him first. He is going to counseling while high on drugs. How much do you think you guys are getting out of that. He can't love you if he doesn't love himself.
I also mentioned to you to try and talk with hum about it. Not confront but discuss instead. If you can't get that conversation going I don't know what to say. You can't force him so you are in a bad situation.The only thing you can do at this time is to make a decision about your marriage. Do you want to stay in a marriage like this? Do you want your son exposed to this? These are huge and life changing decisions and they are not meant to be done in one day.
I suggest that you get yourself into an Al-Anon group ASAP. You will learn about living with an active addict. You will be around people just like you and they will guide you through this process. I believe it would do you a world of good and I hope you will take the suggestion.
Here is the link to find a meeting near you. If there are none that you see you can call the toll free number listed. Please give it a try. You have nothing to lose.
http://al-anon.org/local-meetings
You are both in my prayers sweetie. Keep posting and talking with us here. I know it helps to get it all out. Someone is always here to support you.
BTW, that is the most I have ever typed in a response in my 7-1/2 years on the site. That alone shows how much I want to help you.
oh my goodness, thank you so very much. Well said and heard, loud and clear. :-) My eyes are opening up, thanks to all your kind and honest words.
I'm going to go to a meeting this week, too. It'll be awkward, but educational I'm sure.
Will meet with the attorney soon. And will talk to my parents this weekend.
Kind of a decisive person, so I'll see it through. It will be hard, and most of all, hard on my son. :-(
Sending you enormous hugs from the other side of the country.
I'm going to go to a meeting this week, too. It'll be awkward, but educational I'm sure.
Will meet with the attorney soon. And will talk to my parents this weekend.
Kind of a decisive person, so I'll see it through. It will be hard, and most of all, hard on my son. :-(
Sending you enormous hugs from the other side of the country.
Wow! He definitely needs to see a physician and get his depression and drug use addressed. It would be appropriate to tell him, as well! I agree, the amounts you mentioned aren't large but the combination of drugs is a concern. He needs to get honest about the whole situation and stop blaming you. He sounds antagonistic toward you and that can't be fun or healthy...and you sound too nice to him! haha. He doesn't deserve nice right now; he's not being nice at all.
Follow IBK's sage advice. It's time.
Follow IBK's sage advice. It's time.
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