Aa
Is my husband self-medicating/abusing drugs?
Please tell me what to make of this situation. My husband has the following going:
1. long-standing Rx for buproprion (150 mg, 2 pills in the a.m.)
2. 360 pills of immediate release 10 mg generic adderall 3-4x/day but has never been diagnosed ADHD/ADD - filled Nov. 2014 and its now March 2015, about 8 pills left
3. Daily marijuana user since teen years (currently age 39). Medical use is legal in our state, he had a license for it which expired last year, but still using daily.
4. Every 6-8 months, prescriptions for tramadol (50 mg, 60 pills), lorazepam (1mg, 30 pills), Hydrocodone/acetaminophen 10-325 T (60 pills), or 800mg Ibuprofin - always for temporary back pain (i.e. woke up with back ache).
5. Drinks alcohol while taking these meds, but not in a way that's at all abusive or dependent.
Would it be worse if these were ALL prescribed by "a family member" in another person's name?
There's a lot of secrecy and lies around #2 above, including paying $400 out of pocket for it when we have insurance that covers it. And I'm confused about #4, why write it for 60 pills when the back ache will be gone in a week?
On top of all of this - if you haven't guessed it already - we're having severe problems in our three year old marriage. He is so, so unhappy with me as his wife. I can never make him happy enough and everything I do makes him unhappy.
I am a loyal person and need to understand if our marital issues are just me-as-a-terrible-wife, or possibly also due to something more, as shown by all this drug activity and/or the reason for it?
Thank you for any help. This is the first time I've reached out or told this to anyone, so I appreciate your support and patience with me.
1. long-standing Rx for buproprion (150 mg, 2 pills in the a.m.)
2. 360 pills of immediate release 10 mg generic adderall 3-4x/day but has never been diagnosed ADHD/ADD - filled Nov. 2014 and its now March 2015, about 8 pills left
3. Daily marijuana user since teen years (currently age 39). Medical use is legal in our state, he had a license for it which expired last year, but still using daily.
4. Every 6-8 months, prescriptions for tramadol (50 mg, 60 pills), lorazepam (1mg, 30 pills), Hydrocodone/acetaminophen 10-325 T (60 pills), or 800mg Ibuprofin - always for temporary back pain (i.e. woke up with back ache).
5. Drinks alcohol while taking these meds, but not in a way that's at all abusive or dependent.
Would it be worse if these were ALL prescribed by "a family member" in another person's name?
There's a lot of secrecy and lies around #2 above, including paying $400 out of pocket for it when we have insurance that covers it. And I'm confused about #4, why write it for 60 pills when the back ache will be gone in a week?
On top of all of this - if you haven't guessed it already - we're having severe problems in our three year old marriage. He is so, so unhappy with me as his wife. I can never make him happy enough and everything I do makes him unhappy.
I am a loyal person and need to understand if our marital issues are just me-as-a-terrible-wife, or possibly also due to something more, as shown by all this drug activity and/or the reason for it?
Thank you for any help. This is the first time I've reached out or told this to anyone, so I appreciate your support and patience with me.
So, we talked last night and it couldn't have gone worse. I should have expected it because I've been with this man for 5 years and I've been able to have a conversation with him about his diagnosis that doesn't result in him shutting me down.
I asked him to stop the silent treatment and cold shoulder around the house because it was creating a bit of weirdness in the house for the kiddo. He told me he's going to do whatever he wants. I said, even if it's not good for [son's name]? He said, yep, it's time for me to do what's good for me. (yeah, we're off to a great start).
He then said he wants me to know how unhappy he is with me and our marriage. I said that I was unhappy with him, too.
Guys, I know I shouldn't confront, but I couldn't resist - I am so tired of him telling me everything is my fault, and so tired of tip-toeing around the elephant in the room. So I kind of launched and reminded him that we talked about him addressing his issues back in January, getting a physician, moving the meds above-board, but he hasn't done any of that.
He said I was a horrible person, a hateful person, for even bringing that up - for saying that it has anything to do with the problems in our relationship is "lying to myself." He said "whatever lies you need to tel yourself to make you feel better, go right ahead." And he said, I hate you and your are such an evil, hateful person. etc, etc :-(
I told him his issues are effecting me and our marriage. Yes, we have our issues as a married couple, of which I totally acknowledge my role and we are addressing those in couples therapy. But his issues are also a factor, and those happen to be solely in his control. He then said, if anyone's mental health is a problem its yours, you're the one who should see a doctor, you're the one who should be medicated, etc.
That part was hurtful because he was just being hateful - he said my having a low self-esteem has caused all the problems in our relationship. Yes, the horrific, all-consuming disease of low self-esteem :-) Then he did a mock-lady voice and was shouting: "Oh I'm so fat, I hate how I look, no one likes me, I don't want to go to the party, no one wants to be my friend." Sigh, I knew in that moment that he was a little out of control. haha, it was so weird and mean and deflective. Because "I look so fat" is definitely the same as "I want to jump off the roof and die."
But for the sake of progress I said, fine, if its important to you that I address those things with a doctor or psychotherapist, I'll be happy to go and do that. I'm just asking that you do the same, too? Will you go and get a doctor and do ongoing therapy? He said no because he guarantees any doctor will just give him exactly what he's already on, so its pointless. He knows more than any other doctor about what to do. He also said I should stop saying "mixing medications" like I know what I'm talking about and like it's some big thing - he says I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying "mixing medications" because it sounds really bad. Note: It's hard to argue with an M.D., Ph.D.! He also said the couples therapy is his ongoing therapy.
I disagreed, she's obviously not qualified to prescribe or to know how prescriptions interact. And I said even if another doctor puts him on all the same medications, at least it would be above board, with a 3rd party doctor, and it would be super important he's in therapy with a professional who can prescribe and understand med interactions. He was so angry and totally refused and just kept saying things about what a joke it is that I'm even talking about this - super fake, just saying whatever I need to say to feel better about myself, etc.
I said, you'd rather throw away our marriage and our life and [child's] life than just go get some help for all this stuff and see if it helps our marriage? See if it helps the work we're doing in couples therapy? He said yep, I'm not going to see a doctor, and he also wouldn't admit that his mental health/drug use has any affect on our relationship, and he vehemently argued the opposite - that it has zero effect whatsoever, and all our marriage problems are me. He said "It's over. I want a divorce."
Yeah, so that when from like 0-to-60 in record time! Guys, I'm so confused. I mean, is all of this real or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? I don't think I have much a choice any more, we're headed to divorce - now today and last night he's being nice and no more silent treatment. I kind of wonder if he has just wanted out for a long time, and his guilt about abandoning us has been part of the problem contributing to the depression/addictions. His job contract is up to expire in a couple months, too, which is curious timing. New life, new wife. :-)
I asked him to stop the silent treatment and cold shoulder around the house because it was creating a bit of weirdness in the house for the kiddo. He told me he's going to do whatever he wants. I said, even if it's not good for [son's name]? He said, yep, it's time for me to do what's good for me. (yeah, we're off to a great start).
He then said he wants me to know how unhappy he is with me and our marriage. I said that I was unhappy with him, too.
Guys, I know I shouldn't confront, but I couldn't resist - I am so tired of him telling me everything is my fault, and so tired of tip-toeing around the elephant in the room. So I kind of launched and reminded him that we talked about him addressing his issues back in January, getting a physician, moving the meds above-board, but he hasn't done any of that.
He said I was a horrible person, a hateful person, for even bringing that up - for saying that it has anything to do with the problems in our relationship is "lying to myself." He said "whatever lies you need to tel yourself to make you feel better, go right ahead." And he said, I hate you and your are such an evil, hateful person. etc, etc :-(
I told him his issues are effecting me and our marriage. Yes, we have our issues as a married couple, of which I totally acknowledge my role and we are addressing those in couples therapy. But his issues are also a factor, and those happen to be solely in his control. He then said, if anyone's mental health is a problem its yours, you're the one who should see a doctor, you're the one who should be medicated, etc.
That part was hurtful because he was just being hateful - he said my having a low self-esteem has caused all the problems in our relationship. Yes, the horrific, all-consuming disease of low self-esteem :-) Then he did a mock-lady voice and was shouting: "Oh I'm so fat, I hate how I look, no one likes me, I don't want to go to the party, no one wants to be my friend." Sigh, I knew in that moment that he was a little out of control. haha, it was so weird and mean and deflective. Because "I look so fat" is definitely the same as "I want to jump off the roof and die."
But for the sake of progress I said, fine, if its important to you that I address those things with a doctor or psychotherapist, I'll be happy to go and do that. I'm just asking that you do the same, too? Will you go and get a doctor and do ongoing therapy? He said no because he guarantees any doctor will just give him exactly what he's already on, so its pointless. He knows more than any other doctor about what to do. He also said I should stop saying "mixing medications" like I know what I'm talking about and like it's some big thing - he says I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying "mixing medications" because it sounds really bad. Note: It's hard to argue with an M.D., Ph.D.! He also said the couples therapy is his ongoing therapy.
I disagreed, she's obviously not qualified to prescribe or to know how prescriptions interact. And I said even if another doctor puts him on all the same medications, at least it would be above board, with a 3rd party doctor, and it would be super important he's in therapy with a professional who can prescribe and understand med interactions. He was so angry and totally refused and just kept saying things about what a joke it is that I'm even talking about this - super fake, just saying whatever I need to say to feel better about myself, etc.
I said, you'd rather throw away our marriage and our life and [child's] life than just go get some help for all this stuff and see if it helps our marriage? See if it helps the work we're doing in couples therapy? He said yep, I'm not going to see a doctor, and he also wouldn't admit that his mental health/drug use has any affect on our relationship, and he vehemently argued the opposite - that it has zero effect whatsoever, and all our marriage problems are me. He said "It's over. I want a divorce."
Yeah, so that when from like 0-to-60 in record time! Guys, I'm so confused. I mean, is all of this real or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? I don't think I have much a choice any more, we're headed to divorce - now today and last night he's being nice and no more silent treatment. I kind of wonder if he has just wanted out for a long time, and his guilt about abandoning us has been part of the problem contributing to the depression/addictions. His job contract is up to expire in a couple months, too, which is curious timing. New life, new wife. :-)
I agree wholeheartedly w/ IBKLEEN's advice. I want to add a small thing in the meantime. My heart sank for you when you wrote about you making him breakfast and him not thanking you. My heart sank because you doing nice things for an addict in denial is basically like stabbing yourself in the stomach. That was a small example of EXPECTING a response. Stop doing "nice" things like that. That's called crazy making behavior. Why are you "rewarding" this dude's behavior? Alanon will teach you to focus of YOU. As opposed to the hoops you jump through to get someone to notice you. You deserve better.
I would make it a personal goal to go to an Alanon meeting within the next 24 hours. It needs to be a priority, kay?
I would make it a personal goal to go to an Alanon meeting within the next 24 hours. It needs to be a priority, kay?
Wow! He definitely needs to see a physician and get his depression and drug use addressed. It would be appropriate to tell him, as well! I agree, the amounts you mentioned aren't large but the combination of drugs is a concern. He needs to get honest about the whole situation and stop blaming you. He sounds antagonistic toward you and that can't be fun or healthy...and you sound too nice to him! haha. He doesn't deserve nice right now; he's not being nice at all.
Follow IBK's sage advice. It's time.
Follow IBK's sage advice. It's time.
oh my goodness, thank you so very much. Well said and heard, loud and clear. :-) My eyes are opening up, thanks to all your kind and honest words.
I'm going to go to a meeting this week, too. It'll be awkward, but educational I'm sure.
Will meet with the attorney soon. And will talk to my parents this weekend.
Kind of a decisive person, so I'll see it through. It will be hard, and most of all, hard on my son. :-(
Sending you enormous hugs from the other side of the country.
I'm going to go to a meeting this week, too. It'll be awkward, but educational I'm sure.
Will meet with the attorney soon. And will talk to my parents this weekend.
Kind of a decisive person, so I'll see it through. It will be hard, and most of all, hard on my son. :-(
Sending you enormous hugs from the other side of the country.
BTW, that is the most I have ever typed in a response in my 7-1/2 years on the site. That alone shows how much I want to help you.
My heart goes out to you honey as I read this. I am going to give you some tough love because someone has got to try and get through to you. YOU are in complete denial. Let's go back and look at one important thing---he is taking medication that was NOT prescribed to him. He has not gone to a doctor and been diagnosed with anything so he took it upon himself to self-medicate. That in and of itself is a huge issue. I don't normally tell people this because it is not my place to come to this conclusion but this situation screams for the truth. HE IS AN ADDICT..there is no other way to say it. He is exhibiting typical addict behavior and he is in a dangerous place.
YOU have done nothing wrong and yet I hear it when you type that you feel guilty. He is throwing the blame on you for everything that is going on and you are believing it is true. How sad is that.
Tell me something..have you changed your feeling since this all began? Have you changed your behavior, attitude, etc. since this all began? I believe the answer is no. The drugs have changed HIM..not you.
I told you this before and I will say it again. He NEEDS help. YOU cannot fix him. He needs professional help. Marriage counseling is great but it is not the time to try and work on that. He needs to work on him first. He is going to counseling while high on drugs. How much do you think you guys are getting out of that. He can't love you if he doesn't love himself.
I also mentioned to you to try and talk with hum about it. Not confront but discuss instead. If you can't get that conversation going I don't know what to say. You can't force him so you are in a bad situation.The only thing you can do at this time is to make a decision about your marriage. Do you want to stay in a marriage like this? Do you want your son exposed to this? These are huge and life changing decisions and they are not meant to be done in one day.
I suggest that you get yourself into an Al-Anon group ASAP. You will learn about living with an active addict. You will be around people just like you and they will guide you through this process. I believe it would do you a world of good and I hope you will take the suggestion.
Here is the link to find a meeting near you. If there are none that you see you can call the toll free number listed. Please give it a try. You have nothing to lose.
http://al-anon.org/local-meetings
You are both in my prayers sweetie. Keep posting and talking with us here. I know it helps to get it all out. Someone is always here to support you.
YOU have done nothing wrong and yet I hear it when you type that you feel guilty. He is throwing the blame on you for everything that is going on and you are believing it is true. How sad is that.
Tell me something..have you changed your feeling since this all began? Have you changed your behavior, attitude, etc. since this all began? I believe the answer is no. The drugs have changed HIM..not you.
I told you this before and I will say it again. He NEEDS help. YOU cannot fix him. He needs professional help. Marriage counseling is great but it is not the time to try and work on that. He needs to work on him first. He is going to counseling while high on drugs. How much do you think you guys are getting out of that. He can't love you if he doesn't love himself.
I also mentioned to you to try and talk with hum about it. Not confront but discuss instead. If you can't get that conversation going I don't know what to say. You can't force him so you are in a bad situation.The only thing you can do at this time is to make a decision about your marriage. Do you want to stay in a marriage like this? Do you want your son exposed to this? These are huge and life changing decisions and they are not meant to be done in one day.
I suggest that you get yourself into an Al-Anon group ASAP. You will learn about living with an active addict. You will be around people just like you and they will guide you through this process. I believe it would do you a world of good and I hope you will take the suggestion.
Here is the link to find a meeting near you. If there are none that you see you can call the toll free number listed. Please give it a try. You have nothing to lose.
http://al-anon.org/local-meetings
You are both in my prayers sweetie. Keep posting and talking with us here. I know it helps to get it all out. Someone is always here to support you.
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