Aa
Is my husband self-medicating/abusing drugs?
Please tell me what to make of this situation. My husband has the following going:
1. long-standing Rx for buproprion (150 mg, 2 pills in the a.m.)
2. 360 pills of immediate release 10 mg generic adderall 3-4x/day but has never been diagnosed ADHD/ADD - filled Nov. 2014 and its now March 2015, about 8 pills left
3. Daily marijuana user since teen years (currently age 39). Medical use is legal in our state, he had a license for it which expired last year, but still using daily.
4. Every 6-8 months, prescriptions for tramadol (50 mg, 60 pills), lorazepam (1mg, 30 pills), Hydrocodone/acetaminophen 10-325 T (60 pills), or 800mg Ibuprofin - always for temporary back pain (i.e. woke up with back ache).
5. Drinks alcohol while taking these meds, but not in a way that's at all abusive or dependent.
Would it be worse if these were ALL prescribed by "a family member" in another person's name?
There's a lot of secrecy and lies around #2 above, including paying $400 out of pocket for it when we have insurance that covers it. And I'm confused about #4, why write it for 60 pills when the back ache will be gone in a week?
On top of all of this - if you haven't guessed it already - we're having severe problems in our three year old marriage. He is so, so unhappy with me as his wife. I can never make him happy enough and everything I do makes him unhappy.
I am a loyal person and need to understand if our marital issues are just me-as-a-terrible-wife, or possibly also due to something more, as shown by all this drug activity and/or the reason for it?
Thank you for any help. This is the first time I've reached out or told this to anyone, so I appreciate your support and patience with me.
1. long-standing Rx for buproprion (150 mg, 2 pills in the a.m.)
2. 360 pills of immediate release 10 mg generic adderall 3-4x/day but has never been diagnosed ADHD/ADD - filled Nov. 2014 and its now March 2015, about 8 pills left
3. Daily marijuana user since teen years (currently age 39). Medical use is legal in our state, he had a license for it which expired last year, but still using daily.
4. Every 6-8 months, prescriptions for tramadol (50 mg, 60 pills), lorazepam (1mg, 30 pills), Hydrocodone/acetaminophen 10-325 T (60 pills), or 800mg Ibuprofin - always for temporary back pain (i.e. woke up with back ache).
5. Drinks alcohol while taking these meds, but not in a way that's at all abusive or dependent.
Would it be worse if these were ALL prescribed by "a family member" in another person's name?
There's a lot of secrecy and lies around #2 above, including paying $400 out of pocket for it when we have insurance that covers it. And I'm confused about #4, why write it for 60 pills when the back ache will be gone in a week?
On top of all of this - if you haven't guessed it already - we're having severe problems in our three year old marriage. He is so, so unhappy with me as his wife. I can never make him happy enough and everything I do makes him unhappy.
I am a loyal person and need to understand if our marital issues are just me-as-a-terrible-wife, or possibly also due to something more, as shown by all this drug activity and/or the reason for it?
Thank you for any help. This is the first time I've reached out or told this to anyone, so I appreciate your support and patience with me.
I agree wholeheartedly w/ IBKLEEN's advice. I want to add a small thing in the meantime. My heart sank for you when you wrote about you making him breakfast and him not thanking you. My heart sank because you doing nice things for an addict in denial is basically like stabbing yourself in the stomach. That was a small example of EXPECTING a response. Stop doing "nice" things like that. That's called crazy making behavior. Why are you "rewarding" this dude's behavior? Alanon will teach you to focus of YOU. As opposed to the hoops you jump through to get someone to notice you. You deserve better.
I would make it a personal goal to go to an Alanon meeting within the next 24 hours. It needs to be a priority, kay?
I would make it a personal goal to go to an Alanon meeting within the next 24 hours. It needs to be a priority, kay?
So, we talked last night and it couldn't have gone worse. I should have expected it because I've been with this man for 5 years and I've been able to have a conversation with him about his diagnosis that doesn't result in him shutting me down.
I asked him to stop the silent treatment and cold shoulder around the house because it was creating a bit of weirdness in the house for the kiddo. He told me he's going to do whatever he wants. I said, even if it's not good for [son's name]? He said, yep, it's time for me to do what's good for me. (yeah, we're off to a great start).
He then said he wants me to know how unhappy he is with me and our marriage. I said that I was unhappy with him, too.
Guys, I know I shouldn't confront, but I couldn't resist - I am so tired of him telling me everything is my fault, and so tired of tip-toeing around the elephant in the room. So I kind of launched and reminded him that we talked about him addressing his issues back in January, getting a physician, moving the meds above-board, but he hasn't done any of that.
He said I was a horrible person, a hateful person, for even bringing that up - for saying that it has anything to do with the problems in our relationship is "lying to myself." He said "whatever lies you need to tel yourself to make you feel better, go right ahead." And he said, I hate you and your are such an evil, hateful person. etc, etc :-(
I told him his issues are effecting me and our marriage. Yes, we have our issues as a married couple, of which I totally acknowledge my role and we are addressing those in couples therapy. But his issues are also a factor, and those happen to be solely in his control. He then said, if anyone's mental health is a problem its yours, you're the one who should see a doctor, you're the one who should be medicated, etc.
That part was hurtful because he was just being hateful - he said my having a low self-esteem has caused all the problems in our relationship. Yes, the horrific, all-consuming disease of low self-esteem :-) Then he did a mock-lady voice and was shouting: "Oh I'm so fat, I hate how I look, no one likes me, I don't want to go to the party, no one wants to be my friend." Sigh, I knew in that moment that he was a little out of control. haha, it was so weird and mean and deflective. Because "I look so fat" is definitely the same as "I want to jump off the roof and die."
But for the sake of progress I said, fine, if its important to you that I address those things with a doctor or psychotherapist, I'll be happy to go and do that. I'm just asking that you do the same, too? Will you go and get a doctor and do ongoing therapy? He said no because he guarantees any doctor will just give him exactly what he's already on, so its pointless. He knows more than any other doctor about what to do. He also said I should stop saying "mixing medications" like I know what I'm talking about and like it's some big thing - he says I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying "mixing medications" because it sounds really bad. Note: It's hard to argue with an M.D., Ph.D.! He also said the couples therapy is his ongoing therapy.
I disagreed, she's obviously not qualified to prescribe or to know how prescriptions interact. And I said even if another doctor puts him on all the same medications, at least it would be above board, with a 3rd party doctor, and it would be super important he's in therapy with a professional who can prescribe and understand med interactions. He was so angry and totally refused and just kept saying things about what a joke it is that I'm even talking about this - super fake, just saying whatever I need to say to feel better about myself, etc.
I said, you'd rather throw away our marriage and our life and [child's] life than just go get some help for all this stuff and see if it helps our marriage? See if it helps the work we're doing in couples therapy? He said yep, I'm not going to see a doctor, and he also wouldn't admit that his mental health/drug use has any affect on our relationship, and he vehemently argued the opposite - that it has zero effect whatsoever, and all our marriage problems are me. He said "It's over. I want a divorce."
Yeah, so that when from like 0-to-60 in record time! Guys, I'm so confused. I mean, is all of this real or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? I don't think I have much a choice any more, we're headed to divorce - now today and last night he's being nice and no more silent treatment. I kind of wonder if he has just wanted out for a long time, and his guilt about abandoning us has been part of the problem contributing to the depression/addictions. His job contract is up to expire in a couple months, too, which is curious timing. New life, new wife. :-)
I asked him to stop the silent treatment and cold shoulder around the house because it was creating a bit of weirdness in the house for the kiddo. He told me he's going to do whatever he wants. I said, even if it's not good for [son's name]? He said, yep, it's time for me to do what's good for me. (yeah, we're off to a great start).
He then said he wants me to know how unhappy he is with me and our marriage. I said that I was unhappy with him, too.
Guys, I know I shouldn't confront, but I couldn't resist - I am so tired of him telling me everything is my fault, and so tired of tip-toeing around the elephant in the room. So I kind of launched and reminded him that we talked about him addressing his issues back in January, getting a physician, moving the meds above-board, but he hasn't done any of that.
He said I was a horrible person, a hateful person, for even bringing that up - for saying that it has anything to do with the problems in our relationship is "lying to myself." He said "whatever lies you need to tel yourself to make you feel better, go right ahead." And he said, I hate you and your are such an evil, hateful person. etc, etc :-(
I told him his issues are effecting me and our marriage. Yes, we have our issues as a married couple, of which I totally acknowledge my role and we are addressing those in couples therapy. But his issues are also a factor, and those happen to be solely in his control. He then said, if anyone's mental health is a problem its yours, you're the one who should see a doctor, you're the one who should be medicated, etc.
That part was hurtful because he was just being hateful - he said my having a low self-esteem has caused all the problems in our relationship. Yes, the horrific, all-consuming disease of low self-esteem :-) Then he did a mock-lady voice and was shouting: "Oh I'm so fat, I hate how I look, no one likes me, I don't want to go to the party, no one wants to be my friend." Sigh, I knew in that moment that he was a little out of control. haha, it was so weird and mean and deflective. Because "I look so fat" is definitely the same as "I want to jump off the roof and die."
But for the sake of progress I said, fine, if its important to you that I address those things with a doctor or psychotherapist, I'll be happy to go and do that. I'm just asking that you do the same, too? Will you go and get a doctor and do ongoing therapy? He said no because he guarantees any doctor will just give him exactly what he's already on, so its pointless. He knows more than any other doctor about what to do. He also said I should stop saying "mixing medications" like I know what I'm talking about and like it's some big thing - he says I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm just saying "mixing medications" because it sounds really bad. Note: It's hard to argue with an M.D., Ph.D.! He also said the couples therapy is his ongoing therapy.
I disagreed, she's obviously not qualified to prescribe or to know how prescriptions interact. And I said even if another doctor puts him on all the same medications, at least it would be above board, with a 3rd party doctor, and it would be super important he's in therapy with a professional who can prescribe and understand med interactions. He was so angry and totally refused and just kept saying things about what a joke it is that I'm even talking about this - super fake, just saying whatever I need to say to feel better about myself, etc.
I said, you'd rather throw away our marriage and our life and [child's] life than just go get some help for all this stuff and see if it helps our marriage? See if it helps the work we're doing in couples therapy? He said yep, I'm not going to see a doctor, and he also wouldn't admit that his mental health/drug use has any affect on our relationship, and he vehemently argued the opposite - that it has zero effect whatsoever, and all our marriage problems are me. He said "It's over. I want a divorce."
Yeah, so that when from like 0-to-60 in record time! Guys, I'm so confused. I mean, is all of this real or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? I don't think I have much a choice any more, we're headed to divorce - now today and last night he's being nice and no more silent treatment. I kind of wonder if he has just wanted out for a long time, and his guilt about abandoning us has been part of the problem contributing to the depression/addictions. His job contract is up to expire in a couple months, too, which is curious timing. New life, new wife. :-)
Oy vay.
A the start of the conversation he said: "He told me he's going to do whatever he wants. I said, even if it's not good for [son's name]? He said, yep, it's time for me to do what's good for me."
Honey, you've been so (emotionally) abused, you don't even recognize abuse. The guy shut down at the start and you kept going w/ your attempts. Then it just escalated. That conversation reminded me of an Energizer bunny: you kept being "hit" and you kept coming back for more. And more. And more.
This guy is not only in horrific denial, he is an arrogant control freak. What happened to the Alanon meeting? You need it desperately. All of your focus is fixing this guy. All of it. That is your life: trying to please, and fix a drug addict. This jerk is right about one thing: your self esteem is lower than low. If you had any, you wouldn't be putting up w/ this. I'm sure that conversation is a repeat of many.
I can't say this any clearer: stop trying. Stop. Your focus has to be on YOU (and your kid.) Go to alanon. You are living in complete insanity. It's hard to read, I feel horrible and angry for you.
Here is direction for you: find and go to an alanon meeting. Do not ask, beg, console, question, reason, complain, analyze, threaten anything at, to or for this dude. Okay?
A the start of the conversation he said: "He told me he's going to do whatever he wants. I said, even if it's not good for [son's name]? He said, yep, it's time for me to do what's good for me."
Honey, you've been so (emotionally) abused, you don't even recognize abuse. The guy shut down at the start and you kept going w/ your attempts. Then it just escalated. That conversation reminded me of an Energizer bunny: you kept being "hit" and you kept coming back for more. And more. And more.
This guy is not only in horrific denial, he is an arrogant control freak. What happened to the Alanon meeting? You need it desperately. All of your focus is fixing this guy. All of it. That is your life: trying to please, and fix a drug addict. This jerk is right about one thing: your self esteem is lower than low. If you had any, you wouldn't be putting up w/ this. I'm sure that conversation is a repeat of many.
I can't say this any clearer: stop trying. Stop. Your focus has to be on YOU (and your kid.) Go to alanon. You are living in complete insanity. It's hard to read, I feel horrible and angry for you.
Here is direction for you: find and go to an alanon meeting. Do not ask, beg, console, question, reason, complain, analyze, threaten anything at, to or for this dude. Okay?
I just reread what I wrote and I want to amend something. When I wrote "if you had any self-esteem, you wouldn't be putting up w/ this." I don't mean there is anything wrong w/ you. I meant, that, an unfortunate trait of those who put up w/ any type of control/abuse is low self-esteem and I was trying to show you that. You are buying this guy's insults. By questioning yourself, you are buying the horrific musings of a severely in denial drug addict. I am quite sure you deserve better in your life.
P.S.- Literally in my meeting last nite, a guy shared, he'd relapsed, he's a doctor. He was scared he would see a patient in our meeting. Doctors are human. Don't let the MD after the name mean anything more then extra years of college. He is an extremely flawed human being. Again, though: focus is on YOU.
P.S.- Literally in my meeting last nite, a guy shared, he'd relapsed, he's a doctor. He was scared he would see a patient in our meeting. Doctors are human. Don't let the MD after the name mean anything more then extra years of college. He is an extremely flawed human being. Again, though: focus is on YOU.
I've been following your posts and I just wanted to add a few things.. Firstly, I am very sorry you are going through this, but unfortunately us addicts treat the people we love the worst.. I thinks it's clear to you that your husband is in the throws of addiction, I too treated my wife very similar to how your are being treated.. Call it controlling, egotistical or whatever, the bottom line is that his addiction is doing the talking now and he is the only one who can stop it.. I relapsed at the end of last year and my wife found pills that I hid and I stood there and argued with her that I didn't have a problem (read some of my old posts as I go through it in detail).. In short I called her names, asked for a divorce and blamed anything and everything on her while she was holding the EFFIN pills in her hand and at the time I was convinced I was NOT in the wrong.. I'm SURE every addict on this forum has similar crazy stories of our manipulation tactics to protect our ability to continue using.. I understand how frustrating and perplexing this is to you especially when all common sense is thrown out the window.. You are trying to reason with an unreasonable person right now who ironically is the ONLY one who can make this stop.. I am also a professional who hid my addiction and it wasn't until I was very, very close to losing everything (wife, kids, business, friends and etc) that I decided enough is enough.. I hope and pray your husband wakes up to what he is doing and begins the steps to recovery.. In the meantime I suggest you heed the advise of the posters above, check out some meetings to hear first hand how to deal with all this craziness. Stay as positive as possible and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...
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