Just feel alone

[Slim45]

Hey everyone. I am having a tough night. I have been an addict to opiates for the last 5 years. Primarily oxy but I would take whatever I could get. A few months ago I got clean but I have since relapsed. I have back problems like most of us and it got out of control. I now have another problem in my back and to be honest I welcomed the chance to get back on the pills. I know all the things I need to do to get clean. The reason I'm posting is the past few weeks have been tough. My marriage is in bad shape and we have been trying to work on it but it isn't going well despite my trying. That's another reason I welcomed the opportunity to start using again. Just wanted to be numb to the emotions I have. I have an awesome little boy who I love dearly. Tonight is just a real low time for me. I feel like such a failure and frankly a total piece of $hit. I keep having thoughts of hurting myself and even killing myself. I would never do either but the thoughts are there none the less. I hate that I have let my life get to the point where I feel this way. It just seems like lately my best efforts fail and I can't get things going my way. I feel so drained of emotion it's hard to care about anything but my boy. Anyway I am just alone tonight and down. I do realize that I am having a pity party here but I just wanted to get this out there. Helps to talk about it.

[Real180]

Hey Slim -

I can relate to a lot of your story and I really felt the way you are.. It's that pissing in the wind feeling.. On top of that these pills do not end up offering any solitude what-so-ever, it just ends up magnifying the issues, I know man I've been there -- about 35 days ago (I'm 34 days clean)... I just want to let you know that your doing the right thing by checking out this forum to begin your journey to becoming clean and staying clean to get your life back. You hit the nail on the head with aftercare! I made the same mistake about a 18 months ago and went back to using after being clean for a short time... I kicked again and started aftercare this time and not only have I stayed clean but I feel awesome about it... It was a difference maker for me.. I think it saved my life, or at the very least from losing all I had and loved (wife and kids) and if that would have happened then all all bets would have been off... Anyway, check out my posts if you want (I think you may relate)  but more importantly keep posting on this forum because we are here to help and get you through this... All the best!!!!

[VICourageous]

Hi & Welcome..This is a good place to let it rip..Vent away or tell us how you feel..We are here for Support..Yes, hit some meetings..You will find out your not alone after all.

I will never ever FORGET something IBK said..The poster above me. She said she might have one more run in her but NOT one more Recovery.

Just know that getting clean takes working on for the rest of your Life. SO start today and get that Life back..Everything else will fall in place by the grace of God.
Bless

[IBKleen]

So glad to see you are going to get aftercare. Way to go. so no time like the present. Here is the link to find a meeting in your area. Don't put this off..you may not feel this way again

http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/

Tell us how it goes.

[Amandag78]

Hello, that all sounds really great and good for you. You'll get there in the end, we all do, just takes patience and time. Take care       : )

[Slim45]

Thank you for all the comments. Last night was just a very low point for me and it's still hard to find self worth right now. I am not the type to wallow in self pity so I will start doing the work of getting clean. I know one of the main reasons I messed up last time was I had no aftercare. I thought I didn't need it and didn't have time for it. I know that is not going to work. My way didn't pan out so I will set some things up. As far as my marriage goes we are going to try some counseling and take things a day at a time. It is difficult to learn a new way of dealing with emotional and physical pain. That is also another reason I didn't succeed last time. I would substitute alcohol in place of the pills because I didn't know how to live sober. I know that after care will help with that. Anyway I thank you all again for your support and comments

[ROSYouralright]

Hey Slim, I'm really sorry to hear that life is kicking you in the *** right now. Here's the thing though, the problems will still be there long after the pills run out. I KNOW exactly what drives you to want to "numb" it all. I did it for years. I've had some heart wrenching times lately and I can't describe how good it was to actually FEEL the emotions I had... Numbing really doesn't help anything.. Sometimes its IMPORTANT to know how you are ACTUALLY FEELING as opposed to the numbed version... It gives you clarity on your situations..
You KNOW how to get clean & what to expect... I hope you make the choice to"live" again!! We are here if you want /need to talk!

[Tswana]

Hi the pills are the WORSE thing for causing how you are now love. I so sorry your having a sad time right now I am having Chronic pain and other pain related issues and depression? I have tried to off myself year's ago when i was much younger but the pill's and you don't care wean your on them? You can't CHANGE what you DO care about when your messed up on these pill's and if we all voted that are on them i'm sure those of us who ARE NOW desperate to get off them? Our story would be the same or not far different to yours. And its even worse as your tolarence goes up and even if you take them? Its NOT enough to do anything not stop the pain you had them for and the pain from withdrawal? OMG!!! Please for your sake look, your not thinking properly when your high and you being high is NOT helping anything. Put yourself in reverse places would you want to come home to a drugged up wreak day after day? Because you may not see it but it changes not just the way you act, yes it steals YOU from YOU. But face to face it really shows, i have filmed and taken pics of myself on my smart phone and it's really bad :-( I thought make on hair done i looked ok in fact i thought i looked ''sexy??'' i looked like a crack head!!! Its a shock to look at them pics and the video. I looked way younger than i am and a lot of people still say i do but i have aged, really aged in a 2 years after going through hell to get off them even though i needed them for pain but i couldn't handle what the drugs were doing anymore and just put up with pain so bad i couldn't talk or barely breathe. I jut lay there shaking and wineing like an animal until the pain eased a bit or passed out from it. And i got put back on them by the Hospital and now? I am Grieving for my Mother, my long term relationship ended and although it was a abusive relationship and i honestly am glad it's over. I get day's due to the Emotional effects of the drugs and coming off others that i  'Grieve' over that too and it's a terrible pain but my truth tells me its way better to be out of it. I stopped an Alcohol problem that relationship caused he was an Alcoholic and i was vunerable and my Mum being so ill?
But nio matter what we GOT to be honest with our self and getting your 'Addiction' sorted is a big leap the right way. And in your heart that's what you really want and thats why your here. you need the strength and support like all of us do. I am ill and live by myself and only see anyone socially when i go out for a walk when i can, but i'm glad to come in to peace not stress and tension. I used to live with the EX and i couldn't stop anything for long around him . A big hello and welcome Tswana xxx

[Pat1956100]

Hi Slim
Welcome to the forum
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time.  Do you think your addiction is creating a lot of the problems?
You don't mention that you want to get clean but if you do, you have come to the right place.  We are pretty well all addicts and found this place when we were pretty low and our lives were out of control.
Let us know if we can help.
I wish you the best.

[Amandag78]

Hello, im sorry your going through a rough ride. Your not alone, you will always have someone to talk to here who is compassionate and understanding of your needs and problems. Your not a failure or piece of sh-t, our habit controls us for so long, in the end we forget how to live without it.
Im sorry you and your lovely wife are having issues, but it does seem to go hand in hand with our addiction. All you can do is try your best, show you care, show you want to change, and remind her of the person she fell in love with. Tell her your still that same person, but you need time to heal yourself so you can be that person again.  Ask for her help and support and make her understand you want to do this for yourself, her and your beautiful boy. If its not meant to be anymore, nothing you say or do will repair this situation. But she married you because she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you and you both made a son together. To me, thats a relationship very much worth saving.
Dont numb your feelings but excusing yourself to use again, you know you will make matters worse. A few hours of fun isnt worth your happiness and the head f--c that comes with it. You and your family need each other, the drugs dont need you, they can find someone else.
Its a hard road, but you have to want to stop, be ready to stop and dont look back. You deserve a wonderful life, dont let drugs destroy that. I sincerely prey you can do this, and i wish you all the success and strength   : )