Aa
Jumping off methadone
First let me tell you a little bit about me. I'm 50 years old, male and have been on methadone for the last 10 years. I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking 29 years ago. I don't do any other recreational drugs whatsoever as opiates have scratched that itch quite well. A few months back after tapering down from 80 mg a day to 20 mg per day , I signed out of the clinic and walked away. I was determined that with the small stockpile I had at home I could continue to wean myself off. I called a good friend of mine who has also been on methadone for over 10 years , although not at any particular Clinic and told her I was done. She happened to be horribly dope sick that day and begged me for a few wafers. I personally have great empathy for other Junkies who are sick and trying to keep it together, hold a job, pay a mortgage Etc ...
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave
Dear Dave, I'm just checking in. I am so amazed by your tenacity. You have done a great job.
Lesa's words and yours are so amazing.
You are both such prolific writers! I may have stumbled upon this thread by accident however I have gained so much from it.
I am sure that you are helping so many people by sharing what you are experiencing.
Congratulations on your 30 days!
Lesa's words and yours are so amazing.
You are both such prolific writers! I may have stumbled upon this thread by accident however I have gained so much from it.
I am sure that you are helping so many people by sharing what you are experiencing.
Congratulations on your 30 days!
1 Comments
Thank you so much. I'm very proud of my 30 days. I've still got the chip in my pocket..
Day32
11;40am.
I'm back to being mildly sick again. Mild flu like symptoms and a crazy enhanced sense of smell. I can literally smell the bleach coming out of my t-shirt drawer.
BUT, this is nothing compared to a few weeks ago. This is an opponent who is fading. It still stinks to be sickly but solace comes in knowing the worst is probably past.
I have to go out on a small job today. I surely hope I don't fall flat in the energy department. It worries me slightly. I'll have to have faith and work smartly. Wish me luck and enjoy the day..
11;40am.
I'm back to being mildly sick again. Mild flu like symptoms and a crazy enhanced sense of smell. I can literally smell the bleach coming out of my t-shirt drawer.
BUT, this is nothing compared to a few weeks ago. This is an opponent who is fading. It still stinks to be sickly but solace comes in knowing the worst is probably past.
I have to go out on a small job today. I surely hope I don't fall flat in the energy department. It worries me slightly. I'll have to have faith and work smartly. Wish me luck and enjoy the day..
3 Comments
Hey the clinics been tapering me 5 mg once a week til I get to 30 mg I'm at 35 mg as of 5 days ago an omg my bones and bottom number blood pressure low an I feel so funny in my head shew jus from lack of has causes me such pain and agony I'm scared to jump off 30 mg but it's either that or I can do the sub after a week of the 30 mg then be 3-4 days clean but with this route my methadone level scares me shew what to do what to do
Oh and I've been getting these skin crawls an like something's under my skin
Please please please please please some please respond !!
Day31
10:30am.
A bad sinus headache has got me down.
Other than that I am ok. Got my 30 day chip in my front pocket for added strength.
It's red... I had forgotten the color scheme. It's been a long, long, time.
I'm keeping my post short today. It hurts my head to stare into my phone.
Hope your weekends are wonderful.
-Dave
10:30am.
A bad sinus headache has got me down.
Other than that I am ok. Got my 30 day chip in my front pocket for added strength.
It's red... I had forgotten the color scheme. It's been a long, long, time.
I'm keeping my post short today. It hurts my head to stare into my phone.
Hope your weekends are wonderful.
-Dave
Day30
YES!!
Last night I had my first dream in ages. I was in my driveway when I spotted several young wolves sneaking through the yard. I assumed they were drawn by the treats I had put in my elevated , squirrel proof, bad-***, bird feeder.
I stood perfectly still as they got closer and closer. I wondered what their reaction would be when they got to the bird feeder and found it well out of reach. I smirked while imagining their utter frustration with such a cleverly constructed device...
BUT, they passed right by it? Wait, what..?
Then at about 5 feet away from me, they crouched and assumed a slower, sneakier approach. They'd spotted something and were in full stalking mode. I scanned the ground in front of me and finally saw what they were after. My beloved Fat Cat Nelly was asleep in the grass, completely oblivious to the danger. I grabbed her right as one of them clamped down on her tail. A maddening scene ensued with wolves wailing , cat screeching, and me kicking and screaming while pulling a pack of wild wolves into the middle of my driveway.
Then I awoke. Cat on my chest . All was well.
I don't want to put too much emphasis on a random dream but there is one thing that strikes me as analogous:
It is a huge mistake to assume you understand the trajectory of a dangerous and formidable foe.
Entering into this withdrawal process, after a couple of years of online research, I was pretty sure I understood how it was going to go.
I could not have been more mistaken. I let a false sense of familiarity become an advisor and several times nearly cost me dearly.
There have been many times when I've let the wolves come far too close and ended up flailing about in the proverbial driveway, desperately trying to regain ground I should never have lost in the first place. Cockiness serves no man well. Not in recovery nor in life as a whole..
If I had to sum up what I've learned in the last 30 days of methadone withdrawal it would be this:
This process is predictably unpredictable. It will present you with a steady, rhythmatic Cadence just long enough to lull you to sleep before shifting into a wildly frenetic and exhausting pace. Then it repeats, with slightly less intensity, over and over..
There's no real way to outsmart the withdrawal process. There are no Magic charts to plot, graphs to draw or algorithms to analyze. Methadone withdrawal is immune to mental gamesmanship and the craftiest of plans will soon lay shattered at the feet of this formidable foe .
It is an intensely individual Journey, best suited for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You'll just have to jump in to fully experience it.
Remember this advice though, The journey has no sidecar for hubris and it's weightiness will surely slow you down. Pack your pride at your own peril and see you on the other side.
YES!!
Last night I had my first dream in ages. I was in my driveway when I spotted several young wolves sneaking through the yard. I assumed they were drawn by the treats I had put in my elevated , squirrel proof, bad-***, bird feeder.
I stood perfectly still as they got closer and closer. I wondered what their reaction would be when they got to the bird feeder and found it well out of reach. I smirked while imagining their utter frustration with such a cleverly constructed device...
BUT, they passed right by it? Wait, what..?
Then at about 5 feet away from me, they crouched and assumed a slower, sneakier approach. They'd spotted something and were in full stalking mode. I scanned the ground in front of me and finally saw what they were after. My beloved Fat Cat Nelly was asleep in the grass, completely oblivious to the danger. I grabbed her right as one of them clamped down on her tail. A maddening scene ensued with wolves wailing , cat screeching, and me kicking and screaming while pulling a pack of wild wolves into the middle of my driveway.
Then I awoke. Cat on my chest . All was well.
I don't want to put too much emphasis on a random dream but there is one thing that strikes me as analogous:
It is a huge mistake to assume you understand the trajectory of a dangerous and formidable foe.
Entering into this withdrawal process, after a couple of years of online research, I was pretty sure I understood how it was going to go.
I could not have been more mistaken. I let a false sense of familiarity become an advisor and several times nearly cost me dearly.
There have been many times when I've let the wolves come far too close and ended up flailing about in the proverbial driveway, desperately trying to regain ground I should never have lost in the first place. Cockiness serves no man well. Not in recovery nor in life as a whole..
If I had to sum up what I've learned in the last 30 days of methadone withdrawal it would be this:
This process is predictably unpredictable. It will present you with a steady, rhythmatic Cadence just long enough to lull you to sleep before shifting into a wildly frenetic and exhausting pace. Then it repeats, with slightly less intensity, over and over..
There's no real way to outsmart the withdrawal process. There are no Magic charts to plot, graphs to draw or algorithms to analyze. Methadone withdrawal is immune to mental gamesmanship and the craftiest of plans will soon lay shattered at the feet of this formidable foe .
It is an intensely individual Journey, best suited for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You'll just have to jump in to fully experience it.
Remember this advice though, The journey has no sidecar for hubris and it's weightiness will surely slow you down. Pack your pride at your own peril and see you on the other side.
2 Comments
When I look I see we are all gems but Thank you for your very kind words Jade, Dave I hope you both are staying Positive.. warm hugs
Lesa,
You are a gem. I hope everyone around you sees this as clearly as I do...
You are a gem. I hope everyone around you sees this as clearly as I do...
1 Comments
Dave...yes, Lesa is a gem, believe me, anyone who knows her sees it. She has been an incredible friend to me for a very long time now. I cried through her post to you. She always knows exactly what to say to help you to see things in a more positive light; how far you've come when you can't see it for yourself. You're doing great Dave. And I must tell you, you are gifted in the writing dept, your posts are a pleasure to read. Hang in there!
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