Cocaine questions concerning parenting and vanity...

[fishyrabbit]

Hello,

I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.

However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.

I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.

So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet.  I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.

I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.

My main concerns are;

1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health

Questions;

1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?

LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).

I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.

PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.

Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!

With love,

....

[clean_in_ks]

"""All drugs have a negative effect on the nervous system, but few can match the dramatic impact of cocaine. Cocaine is one of the most potent, addictive, and unpredictable recreational drugs, and thus can cause the most profound and irreversible damage to the nervous system. The high risk associated with cocaine remains the same regardless of whether the drug is snorted, smoked, or injected into the user's bloodstream. In addition to the intense damage cocaine can cause to the liver, intestines, heart, and lungs, even casual use of the drug will impair the brain and cause serious damage to the central nervous system. Although cocaine use affects many components of the body, including vision and appetite, the most significant damage cause by cocaine takes place in the brain and central nervous system"""

That's a direct quote from an article here on the MH health pages.  There's a lot more to the info and article, but a lot of people won't just click and go there to see what help this MH site already offers to answer their specific question unless something interests them right here.  So anyway,
here's the link if you want to read more about the damage cocaine will do to you.

http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Health-Effects-Of-Cocaine-short-term-long-term/show/414?cid=66

If you don't want to be a drug addicted mother, want to remain beautiful for as long as father time allows, and are concerned about your mental health, getting off recreational drugs and finding a different solution than snorting coke would be the only way to go IMO.  Hope this helps~

[Abby_916]

The previous post summed it up as accurately as possible. Also, one usually doesn't even realize how easily one can get addicted. If you truly value all those things you stated, stay away from any type of addictive drug. See your doctor or Phsyciatrist and try and get help from them for your depression. Since you want someone to be honest with you and not sugarcoat the reality of using this type of drug, I'll say this. Having suffered from depression and trying to quit my addiction,  the depression is 10 times easier to treat. Hope you choose the right path for yourself and your daughter's sake.

[perch101]

In relation to what coke can do to your looks.... Google image Lindsay Lohan. She's around your age.

You need to get a good doctor to address your depression ... the coke is going to cause you much bigger problems in every area of your life.

Best wishes.

[Teresa1717]

You say your a vane woman but im telling you, you wont be for long! Coke eventually WILL take over your life. How many people do you think start off by saying "oh im just going to do a bump here or there" and then end up doing it every minute of every day! The psycholigical addiction of cocaine is immense and im telling you, if you mess with this drug long enough it WILL ruin your looks, it WILL make you eat away at your nose, it WILL age you 5x faster,  it WILL decay your teeth , it WILL make you neglect your daughter. it WILL make you throw money away, and is your Ex husnabd catches wind of this in ANYWAY you will lose your daughter if he decides to tell the courts about this.  

Your lack of energy is because it sounds like you are depressed. Understandably, but although cocaine is giving you immediate energy, im telling you it is actually making your depression worse by causing an imballance of chemicals in your brain. You need to get honest with your Dr and tell him/her EVERYTHING your feeling and doing. If they dont listen, Make them! You need antidepressants it sounds like to me. But please keep in mind sometimes you have to try a few different types to get to the one thats best for you and it takes 2-3 weeks for the appropriate levels to build.

Listen, honey I know you want to get that energy back and do all of those things you maybe use to be able to, But self medicating with cocaine is not the answer, You asked for us to be direct and not sugar coat so I hope that this is direct enough for you, Cocaine can kill you and can cause heart attacks or strokes! Please talk to your Doctor.

[fishyrabbit]

I actually did read the article, but had more specific questions, as noted in my message. You didn't give me the specific answers. Thanks for the repeat of general information though, appreciate you reading my question anyways.

Thanks to everyone for the responses. I realize this isn't a good option for me long term, but I am desperate for a short term solution . I get that this will only make things worse long term. I received my blood results and am very Vitamin D deficient. Also, I'm going on anti-depressants. I told my doc that I am doing cocaine. She gave me some good, non judgmental, non "scare tatical"  information about cocaine and what I can do to help lessen the damage while doing it, while I get off of it completely.  

Thanks again!

[Life360_Dave]

hi Fish,
A big problem with coke is the chasing of it and trying to find it and running out of it. You may not realize that this is also taking a toll on your brain. That feeling of running out is causing a lot of stress on you. If this is a phase you are going through, then please give this some consideration. If you do run out of it and cant find any, please take that opportunity to stop. There are not heavy withdrawals from it and not the hard to stop with a little effort. Also living with a stuffup nose is really a terrible feeling.
Also getting caught by the police is a felony so consider this. You dont want to be a convicted felon for sure.

[ImDONENoMore]

I think you need to see another Dr. and get a second opinion.

This is very confusing.

[Teresa1717]

I cant say that I have ever heard of a Dr giving someone good advice on how to continue using a drug like cocaine?? Im confused.  You seem irritated that we told you everything coke can do to harm you BUT you asked us to be upfront and not sugarcoat and I think thats what all of us have done here. Bottom line, Cocaine in MOST cases is never short term. Especially since you are already doing it every morning.  Its highly addictive (psychologically) and I think your fooling yourself if you think you can do this on the short term IMO. You should give the antidepressants a try because I think those are what you need and will really help you better.

Best of luck!

[notordinary]

Ask yourself. Can you stop coke today? If you answered no. Then how do you think you will stop farther down the road. Your brain will keep telling you more more more. The cycle repeatedly goes on and on.  I do not care how strong you think you are.
Drugs are so very powerful over us!!!  
Keep telling yourself this will only be short term.  See where you are at in a few months.
I'm 52 yrs old i have a friend that cannot stop the blow. He just went and had skin taken off the roof of his mouth and graft onto his gums, because of reseeding gums from cocaine use all these years. Married for 23 yrs. Divorced now.  Has money don't care.  It's sad what it has done to him.
Get off the dope and do what's right for you daughter and you!!! While you are young.  

[YesLife4Me]

If you can't stop now, it only gets worse from here.  From one addict to another.   Someone who has been there, done that.   And tried substituting one drug for another.    It scares me that your Dr gave you ways to lesson damage 'until' you can stop.   No qualified Dr would suggest you keep using for any reason.    Plus you have a small child to care for.   You might think 'that will never happen to me'.  How many people sitting in jail or who has lost custody of their children before you have said that?    

[fishyrabbit]

My doctor didn't tell me to keep doing cocaine. She of course told me to stop, everyone doing drugs knows that the ultimate solution is to stop. So I think when u tell an addict to just stop, it's not helping them one bit. Your basically saying , " if your not strong enough to stop right now, then just kill yourself". And they just give up trying to minimize the effects of there sickness, and stop caring completely. They lose hope and think that because they can't just quit cold turkey, they are doomed.
Doctor gave me info on how to protect my nose, how to ween off of it;  i need to take more and more days between to allow my body to heal, and increase the days between. what not to mix it with, to keep very hydrated, to make sure it's not cut with certain harmful toxins and some resources on how to tell,  how I need to give myself time to come down so I can allow my body to rest.  She was very informative and now I can plan my exit strategy and care for myself properly while doing so. I am so thankful she didn't stop at "just quit". And send me away.

I didn't use today because of the information I was given.  Small steps, one day at a time.  I will quit, and I know that I am strong enough to control this addiction and not think that it's going to run me.

[fishyrabbit]

Some of you are suggesting that a doctor shouldn't help you care for yourself if your using drugs. I disagree, If there is any way to help any person , drug user or not, protect themselves from certain very dangerous and harmful situations and inhibit damage to their health by simply giving information, then one should give that information.

Or, should one keep it to themselves because the dirty drug using criminal deserves to hurt themselves if they can't quit now?

[fishyrabbit]

Thank you for all of your comments! I truly appreciate your time. Talking about my problem has really lifted weight off of me and your responses really  help me sort things out in my head. THANK YOU THANK YOU

[YesLife4Me]

Just remember nothing good comes from narcotics if you have to rely on them to get by.  Soon it becomes your medicine and then it grabs hold of your entire life and you will say or do things you didn't think you would to get your fix.  I hope you find your way out, for not only your daughter, but yourself.  No judgement.  

[axeman25]

Well, if all you want is the answers to your questions and don't want to consider anyone else's advise then here you go.

1) Selfish, yes. Horrible mother, not yet, but WHEN you are in way to deep and all you can think about is where your gonna get your next hit and you've let everything else in your life go to crap, you will feel like it. Your drug habit is worse than your depression.....hands down.

2) Eventually yes

3) It varies, as your use becomes more and more (as it will) you will increase the possibility of damage.

4) Don't worry about that. Eventually you won't care as long as you are high.

5) Uhm....Hello, Cocain. Not many chubby coke heads running around.

Last question (my favorite).

Most of us started for just a short time, here and there, occasionally on a weekend, just to get through a rough patch. Ask anybody here how well that worked out for them.

You said your doctor doesn't listen to you. That should be addressed asap. Being a rational, smart, educated woman you should already know the answer to your questions.

Please go through these post and carefully read some of them. I know that you feel indestructible at 25, but you aren't. You have to think of your child first. I really hope you get the help you need for your depression. It took me quite a while to get the right combo of meds to pull me out, but it was worth the wait. The time you miss with your daughter now is nothing compared to what cocaine will cost you.

[fishyrabbit]

Thanks,

Yes, I do know the answers some what, but not the effects of my exact situation (1 gram per week - most posts I read over the internet were discussing 1 gram per day or more, the time frames for nose damage, if I could use small amounts for a while without large amounts of physical damage)

It's not that I don't want to take anyones advice, but I WAS looking for specific answers, as I have already done a ton of research and know the obvious. So I thank you for answering my questions.

About my mind frame you mentioned... is it so bad to think I have control? I don't know if thinking that a drug will run me, that I have no control over my actions, is going to help me? I get that you and other people replying have experience, and lost control, but didn't you first have to take control back and strengthen your mind to quit?

I didn't use today, and I must say, IT WAS NOT HARD for me not to. I have a gram right in my purse. I did want to, but I know I have the power not to.

[fishyrabbit]

^^^^^

[axeman25]

You have control over your actions right now. You stopped for one day. Try the next five. If any part of that last sentence gets you worried, you have a problem. The drug has become part of your routine.

Forgive me if I am making an incorrect assumption.

It sounds a lot like your trying to justify your use by defending your reasons. While I know every situation is different, most follow a similar outline.

[fishyrabbit]

Yes, i can't deny the sentence does scare me a little. Your right, it is a part of my current routine. I get that the routine may be the hardest part to break.

But, I cant let fear get the best of me right? Fear is like a disease, you worry, stress and over analyze to the point of self destruction, I think fear of many things in my life is what made me start doing coke. I am going to wake up tomorrow and tell myself I am in control and that this drug will not run me.

You have a good point about justifying and defending myself. I tend to do that a lot. But I can't argue this one. I realize that if I do I am not winning anything, only destroying myself. Axeman, thank you.

[rush2112]

It seems that you are just trying to rationalize using a dangerous and illegal drug. You know the answers to your questions.

[Abby_916]

I don't believe anyone is judging you or assuming they know what's best for you. Only you can know and decide that. I believe that everyone, in their own words, is trying to tell you to reconsider while you DO have control over this. Most of us here didn't even start using narcotics to "just get a little energy". Many of us were prescribed legal drugs to deal with legitimate physical pain. If you have the time, maybe, you could read some of the other posts. People being involved in terrible crashes, painful surgeries, broken bones, burns, etc. It started out as a method of pain relief, given out by a prescribing doctor. Most of us hadn't even healed from the pain before we became addicted. Also, most of us come from educated, professional backgrounds. My point is, addiction doesn't spare ANYONE. It doesn't matter how old or young you are either. I became addicted at the age of 24. Six years later I'm still fighting to stay clean. Physical dependency is a piece of cake to get over versus the psychological dependency. Yes, the WD symptoms are awful to go thru. Yet, they END. The body gets over the need in a short period of time. The mind on the other hand, NEVER does. Once an addict, always an addict. I'm not saying we haven't gotten clean. I'm just saying, if given the chance, we knew for a fact that we wouldn't face any consequences, I'd say a good majority of us would NOT say no to the drugs. Most of us only quit because we hit rock bottom. My rock bottom? Using multiple doctors and pharmacies to get my DOC and still running out. Taking five times more than I was prescribed, yet never having enough. Counting pills and always worrying about running out. I only quit because I knew I would eventually die of an overdose. Even that didn't matter. What mattered was I knew I would die, and the pain it would put my mother and husband thru. If not for them, I know I would still be at it. Like you, I too have a very close knit and loving family. I also have an incredibly loving husband. Yet I lied to all of them for the sake of my habit. Let me also say, I've NEVER smoked, drank ANY alcohol or used any type of drug whatsoever before my addiction. I'm educated and make a six figure income. Yet, I'm a drug addict. Even though I'm not using right now, it's taking so much will power not to. It's taking a whole community of caring people to help me get thru this. I don't even have the luxury to ask support from my own family because I'm too ashamed to tell them. I'm not trying to preach to you or tell you what to do. And, who am I to judge? All I'm saying is don't fool yourself into thinking your invincible. Your body builds up tolerance so fast, you don't even realize it till its too late. I only hope that you don't have to go thru what any of us have or are going thru. I figured since you have already done the scientific research, you don't need me to tell you that aspect of it. I thought I'd rather share my personal situation so you could better get an idea how much life changes by using narcotics. What started out as pain relief from two incredibly painful surgeries back to back quickly turned into full fledged addiction. I wish you the best and hope you don't take my message as being judgmental. I'm only trying to state the reality. Good luck to you.

[Pat1956100]

I just wonder why you came to a substance abuse forum, if you weren't concerned that you had a problem?

[Bkitty]

Hi! I can answer your questions 1-6 you asked about in your post/ The answer to all of them are YES. You are playing with fire and right now trying to rationalize continuing to use. But oh the mind does its wonderful tricks-you will lose this game. You know what you need to do. Youre an "smart beautiful educated woman". So am I. I still became an addict. Drugs don't care about that all they want is your life and soul. Get out now while you still have "control" or do you? I wish you the best. ~Bkitty

[Teresa1717]

Well said and nice post!