Does it really get better?

[Magdolna]

I am a 34-year old single mom.  I am educated.  I have graduated from college.  People always used to say I would go so far in life.  They admired me for my brain and my fun-loving attitude.  That has all changed.  I live at home with my parents now.  I'm jobless and I'm addicted to opiates.  I started taking opiates for a pain issue back in 2008.  I remember how wonderful they made me feel.  Slowly, I started taking them each day, more and more, and in bigger doses.  I quit successfully while pregnant but the minute I got those pain meds in the hospital it's like a switch turned back on in my brain.  I don't do it to die; I do it so I can live.  Without the pills I feel lifeless, desperate, and despondent.  I quit cold turkey six days ago because I realize that this can't go on.  It has been sheer Hell and I feel so alone.  Nobody around me really understands.  In fact, my family has been quite hard on me my whole life and they are just looking at this as another one of my failures.  That makes me want to use even more.  I have a little boy that deserves his mom.  I'm in the depths of despair though.  I relapsed and got one pill this morning because I couldn't take it anymore.  What do I do?  Will I be able to enjoy life again without these pills or have I done irreparable damage?  

[Frogger76]

No, I really don't think you've done any irreparable damage. It takes time for our bodies to heal after years of using/abusing these pills. I know for me, it took upwards of about a year for me to start feeling good, like my old self. You have to give it time. After a couple weeks, when the physical wds subside, would be the time to check into some sort of aftercare.  Detoxing is the easy part, learning to live sober, that's a lifetime commitment. That's where the aftercare comes in, it is a very important part of your recovery. Remember, you will get better, just don't take anymore pills. All your doing is just prolonging the wds. You can do this!!! Take care...

[Danny111]

Things can get much much better.  The physical part of the withdrawals takes a couple of weeks.  The first few days are the worst.  They definitely suck.  After that physically you'll feel a lot better.  The mental stuff takes longer but gets easier and easier the longer you stay clean.  

Most people have a much better chance of staying clean if they get into some sort of after care.  NA and AA meetings work very well for many people and are free and readily available just about everywhere.  You can get a list of meeting times, types and locations easily online.  

You haven't done irreparable damage.  That's the addiction talking.  It wants you to think it's too late and there's no point in stopping.  That's bs.  You're young and your life is ahead of you.  You can stop and life can be what it should.  Just gotta push and keep pushing.

[PlowBoy36420]

Don't feel like you let anyone down, it's the mind telling you that you did to achieve getting what it wants.
I admire the single parents that want to stop more than anything.  I look forward to their recovery because I can relate better. I'm a single parent of 2 and want to stay clean more than ever now because I don't want to let my kids down.
We all made our mistake and we see it but we need to learn from it. It took every pill to get me to where I am today (20 days ct) and even though I don't feel like I did taking, I know I feel 95% better.
Is it hard? Yes
Am I still hurting?  Yes
Am I okay? Yes
I am well over the physical W/D's but the mental feels like it don't want to let go.
I started N/A and I've seen many signs on why I want to keep this choice.  
Keep active sweetie,  go for a walk, stretch,  read, what ever you can to keep your mind off what the body wants.
You got this, give it to God.
You will be okay, I promise.
((John))

[Cricketk92]

You are definitely making a HUGE step in the right direction!  Coming here and spilling it all out helps...making the decision to stop is a big leap!  One that all of us have had to make.
Yes, the first week is NO fun....but it really does get better as the days go on after that first 7-10 days!!!  The lifelessness begins to subside as well as the despondency and desperation!!!  Once you feel better and get involved in aftercare you will discover a whole new world!  My life is 110% better than it was before I ever started using the opiates!!  
I remember the darkness you are talking about....when it felt like there was no way out...  it's not easy making the leap but it is so worth it!!!
We will all be here routing you on!!!!  
You can do it!!!!  

[Magdolna]

Thank you all.  I might be bugging you for the next few weeks on here for some reassurance

[Jerry198]

welcome, you have made a huge step in getting six day an a slip is just that you have to take that and move on!! im in the same boat as far as the pills once im clean im good but once injuries or sports accidents came my way which they did I was hooked each time and if my RX ran out to the streets I went that's just the addict in me.. from the outside everything was grand but the mind battle made me crazy and I'm much better for it and you will to so don't give up and don't let others point a finger if you beat this once before for your child you can do it again these pill are a huge lie they don't give you energy that take it from you they don't make more social the make you fear others in the end they don't calm you down or relax you the create anxiety that will eventually destroy you so don't look back look at the future its not easy but your half way to 2nd base best wishes.

[jifmoc]

Congrats on your 6 days! You are ahead of the game, do you know why? Because you aren't on here just wanting to do it or thinking about doing it, you are doing it. That is amazing. Give yourself props for taking the action to get your life back.

I cannot stress what I'm about to say enough. PLEASE get into aftercare. It's the difference between staying clean and having a life vs being right back here again. You feel alone because you aren't around other recovering addicts. We need to treat the addict in us long after we put the pills down. This isn't just a matter of NOT doing drugs. We have to fix what's been ailing us and driving us to use in the first place.

[againnot]

Your question was " does it really get better".  The answer is YES.
I've been on opiates since you were 14!  Hard to imagine.  First it was Vic fr my back, then the last 2 years a ton of oxy for cancer.
I remember the first couple weeks I cried a lot.  I was mean and cranky.  Felt sick and tired.
It's only been 9 weeks for me, but I can tell you that I'm thinking clearer, I smile more, and no more counting pills before next appt.
We DO use anything for an excuse for one more pill.  I hurt, I'm angry at the world, I'm lonely....I've sure used all the excuses.  I was feeling quite sorry for myself cause of the damn cancer.
You will never regret getting off of them.
Everyone told you aftercare is important .  Besides going to NA, you could add meditation, some sort of relaxation things.  I started getting massages and I was told it helps rid your body of the toxins from the drug.
You can do it.  Don't allow those pills to be in your possession !

[clean_in_ks]

I tried to send you a note, but got a message that "user is not accepting notes at this time".....I wanted to tell you how FANTASTIC your post is above....and CONGRATULATE you on your 9 weeks!!  You should be SO PROUD of yourself.....I surely am♥

Excuse me, Magdolna for hijacking your thread for a moment~  You haven't done anything irreparable....it will take time to heal...and YOU CAN DO THIS!!  At 34 you will heal much faster than some of us ole' coots..LOL

Please don't let your family sway you...they just don't "get it"...but surrounding yourself with other recovering addicts is KEY....and believe me, THEY WILL UNDERSTAND YOU and SUPPORT YOU!
Cut your contacts (ALL sources), find someone you can talk to in real life that doesn't use.....and get some support somewhere besides your family who obviously don't understand addiction, ok?
Addiction is progressive.....you are already experiencing that....and you have the POWER OF CHOICE right now.....we can't go around it, under it, or over it....we have to go THROUGH it.....and the reward is PRICELESS~
Keep posting, ok?  This is the best forum in the WORLD!!

[againnot]

Why, thank you, cik!

[Magdolna]

THanks everybody.  A lot of you are saying to get some after care.  I think that is wise too.  However, I am so damn depressed right now that I barely move.  It almost makes me feel sick to move.  Is that normal?  I do the minimal activities for the day in caring for my baby and that is about it.  It almost feels like I don't ever  want to leave the house again.  My percocet was my energy, my motivator, my confidence, my laughter, etc.  Now I'm feeling so lost and depressed.  The days and nights are so dark and I just want to die.  It has been a week but I'm just barely hanging on.  Talk to me.

[PlowBoy36420]

Oh god,  the depression is a b***h, not going to lie. I can say it's nothing like it was at week 1. I just made it to 21 days. I still feel depressed but it seems to last only for short spells. What's funny for me today is my 10 year old daughter asked if "we" had a meeting tonight lol
I was able to bring her and it is giving me mor reason to looking forward to going to both A/A-N/A meetings.
Call me crazy but it is helpful on the depression just hearing her ask this lol
((John))

[VICourageous]

Hi
I have to agree with all the above.
The longer we used the more we have whacked out them Brain Chems.
It does take Time & Patience to recover from the physical part. The Mental will take some time and some working on. I too started using for recreational purpose at 14 and continued off and on until I got hooked on the opiates. Came clean at 56 and it has been a very interesting journey. Life will toss things at us that we think we have to use something to get bye. This you will find out is not true at all. It will take tons of Support from clean people and friends. Knowing this disease in a more Scientific way has helped me too. Going on 3yrs any day now and I went back to more meetings again. It does not matter how many yrs we have, we will always be babes in the woods. Lots of Changes happen and have to happen in order to stay clean. I do wish you the best. Do stick around. I see we have some new ones and the older ones come in & out. Hang Tight and keep up the Faith. You will balance out Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. It just take time and work.
Bless
Vickie

PS. I always worked and started my opiate use when I was nursing. I was very successful and bought my property, trucks and cars and such. All the way until I came clean. SO we do not always hit rock bottom...But we get so sick of being sick of these pills or such ruling our lives.

[spider6]

Hi honey.  Welcome..grats to you for taking your life back....it may not seem like it now but you won't feel this way forever....you made the right choice. I don't think you set yourself back so far......but maybe emotionally it's screewing with you.  Addict brain honey, don't listen. If you can't move...put the tv or music on.  Just uplifting stuff...nothing "nostalgic"...

Get in the tub when you can....or shower...if that's all you can do for a couple of days......let it ride.  Great advice above......all I can add really is if you get shakes again and feel like you're gonna fold......"play" it out in your head first.....to the very "end"....this always works for me.  Truth is, there's nothing you can take (magic medicine wise) to make this all go away instantaneously....it's all a time game,...you have to heal your body and brain and unfortunately for awhile, they will fight against you.  Push through....you are you're own power.

Prayers of strength sweetie.  ((((8))))

[Magdolna]

Thank you for answering and congrats on your nine weeks.  I'm excited to be where you are soon.

[Magdolna]

That is really interesting what you said about the rock bottom thing.  I always hated hearing that I wouldn't quit until "rock bottom."  It kind of made me feel that I was supposed to fall apart and up on the streets or something.  I am at my own definition of rock bottom though.  Thanks for you answer.

[Magdolna]

Thank you Spider.  Your answer makes me feel ok to take it easy for a minute.  I feel like I need rest.

[Jerry198]

rock bottom is WAY different for each person some need to be on deaths door and others just get off easier but we all feel as if its our bottom and that bottom hurts enough to get clean.