MY RELAPSE CONFESSION

[flmagi]

I started back using sometime around Christmas. Family & friends know about it. But I have been to ashamed to tell anyone here. I also didn't want to discourage any newbies. I have no doubt some of you suspected the relapse.  I had been clean about 2 months, but as some of you know, I had become very depressed. Life was just so bad. Excuses.  I turned the pills away a few times, had them in my hands. I was so proud of myself. But it just took the right triggers at the right time and I lost. The anti-depressants I started taking weren't working fast enough.  So, work has picked up, actually getting slammed with jobs (good thing). Don't have the time to go thru withdrawels and certainly can't deal with the depression again. But I hate this. Don't want to take these pills anymore. So, so angry I ever got started on this stuff. What have I done to my life? I know so many things would be different if I had never started. Oh god, such a major life fuk up.  Major fuk up!!!    So Wed. we're (yes,Mary too)(sorry Mary) off to the Doctor to get on Suboxone. We're very excited about doing this and moving in a positive direction. A permanent positive direction.  We have no insurance, so it's gonna cost a bundle, but well worth it , I hope. Most every one that has or is on it, seems to swear by it. Wish us luck.
I feel I have deceived all of you by not admitting my relapse. I'm so sorry. But I could not really do that without turning Mary in too, and thats not my place to do Marys confession. I told her I was fessing up now. Its time. Long over due.
To all the newbies getting clean: Watch and plan ahead for trigger points. They will happen to the strongest of us. Be prepared, be strong.

[girlybuff]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.  Sub is probably your best option although if you use it for more than 21 days, you're setting yourself up for withdrawals from that which can be worse from the original withdrawals so be careful you're not trading one addiction for another.
I'm not a sugar coater so I'm not going to say that relapse is part of recovery because it dosn't have to be BUT I applaud you for coming clean here ( no pun intended).
If you're able to help one newcomer realize that an after care plan is VITAL or you will fall prey to this horrible disease, then what you're going through right now is serving a higher purpose.
Good luck and God bless.

[flmagi]

I need to add that I'm not blaming Mary for my lack of confession. I was really just to ashamed to admit my fall. I haven't posted much because i didn't want to feel like a hipocrit and haven't had much good to say. Don't like bringing poeple down.

I also have some questions about the Sub for people that have gone that route.
Does it cause headaches at first?
Sick to your stomach?
Are you still tired, lack of motivation?
Thanks everyone,
Magi

[girlybuff]

I took Subutex not Suboxone.  I can tell you that on day one after not having taken anything for 15 hours (and I was up to 300 mg of percocet a day) that I took 4 mg in the office, waited a half hour, took 4 more, felt ok, went home, in about 2 hours I took 4 more then later that night I took 4 more so that's a total of 12 mg.  The tranformation of how quickly I felt like I was dying from w/d to feeling like a human was miraculous!
I was told to use that as my dosage from then on.  I didn't.  I took the very least amount possible to make me feel normal and that's exactly how it made me feel, normal.
I did find that I got the occasional headache but it wasn't a big deal.  My dosage for that day was probably too high.
Over the course of the next 21 days I lowered my dosage by 2 mg every 3 days until I was barely taking a crumb.  When I stopped, I experienced w/d for about a day or 2 but it was mostly sweats and chills and lethargy.  It was nothing compared to what I had been through in the past.

[allaboutmary]

Mad at Magi for not confessing yesterday when I had all day to type up my confession.  Now I have to rush to work, wondering about all the responces.lol   Will be back later to take me punishment.  Very ashamed, Mary

[girlybuff]

No punishment.... just prayers and encouragement.  
There should only be shame if you chose to continue to live in the problem.  You're heade towards the solution now.

[flmagi]

Thanks for the info. How long have you been off the Sub? How did you feel within the weeks after coming off it? Tired etc?  How long were you on the pain meds? When you say you felt "normal" on the sub, do you mean, Normal like on pain meds or normal like before pain meds? lol.  I want to feel normal like before all this hell. I don't want to feel high or anything, but I can't afford to be tired with any lack of motivation.  Just real curious about during sub use and after.  
So, the longer I'm on the sub, I can expect to have withdrawels from the sub?
Thanks again for the info.
Magi

[avisg]

I love you both , big hugs ,not beating yourselfs up!!! On to the sub doctor ...have you thought about how long you two want to be on it . I hear a short taper and off works quite well . lisacamdave just did that you might want to have a chat with her.I am here for you both .
avis

[girlybuff]

I am sober 6 years from alcohol and illegal substances.  I had a horrible pregnancy (yes this road started while I was pregnant) riddled with pain that cuased my blood pressure to spike.  So after 2 operations and a subsequent herniated disc and torn ligaments from 2, yes 2 car accidents whilst I was pregnant.... my road to yet another addiction began.  I would say in total I was ont hem for about  4 months as prescribed by my ob/gyn, never more than 2 7.5 vicodins a day.  After my daughter was born, I graduated to 5 mg percs, then 10 mg percs and for about 5 or 6 months or so I gradually got up  to 30 10 mg percs a day, popping 5 at a time just to get that 1/2 hour high.
So I woke up, much like I did when I was drinking and said no more.  I went c/t.  I wanted to die but just when I was about to turn the corner at day 4 or so, I took 1 to take the edge off and suddenly I realized my tolerance was lowered so I took 1 here and there and then it quickly became an issue again so I went the Sub route.
By normal I mean like I felt before the pain pills.  I was clear headed, not lethargic, normal.  The longer you're on it the worse your w/d will be.  Don't let the dr tell you to stay on it for 6 months.  They say that so you can use that 6 months to get your life back together but if you take it to detox and start NA or AA or therpy and keep a plan in sight you won't need to be on it as maintenance. The docs don't know as much about it as they think.  They tell you they will take you down 2 mgs every couple of months and that you can jump off at 2 mg but thatis a death sentence.  Take it from me, no more than 21 days IF that.

[girlybuff]

PS, afterwards I would be a bit tired but nothing some vitamins wouldn't cure and it didn't last long.  I had relatively no PAWS but I was on zoloft which in my opinion is God's greatest invention!!
LOL

[teacher569]

hi, Im a newbie, you are not a fck up, your kinda my hero. goiong to the dr, geting on sub your ding what it takes. Please share your wisdom, g-d knows us new kids can use it. Teach

[troubleinohio]

Not mad at you ladies and Im glad you confessed. I suspected as much a long time ago when you both sorta stopped posting suddenly with no explanation. Wishing you both the best and hope the Sub works out for you guys!

[flmagi]

Thanks for all the support and understanding. I want to be on the Sub as short a time as possible so, i guess I'll start tappering  after the first week, like suggested.
I really can't wait to do this! I want to feel like I did "pre-drugs". So tired of this ****, my life revolving around my pills or lack of them. Always wondering if I'll have enough to finish a job. Always counting them, like their a bottle of diamonds I need to keep track of. Would you beleive Mary & I have developed, without realizing it, our own little code words regarding the pills, like "the aahh factor" , the feeling you get when the pills kick in, and "falling down" ..when the pills wear off,  &  "pill me" means get Mary a pill out of her purse while shes driving. OH to be done with this nonsense once and for all and feel normal.  Tommorrow will be my last day of pain meds. yeah!!!!!   I feel like I'm getting ready to go on vacation. Very excited!

[IBKleen]

May I lecture? Want your permission first, because I think you know what I am going to say.....

[toxictome]

It takes what ever it takes....glad you fessed up, cuz that shame will EAT you alive, if you hold your secrets inside. So get your plan together and keep posting...you know we're here for you!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

[allaboutmary]

I give you permission to lecture. You've earned it !  Lecture away.  I am so ready to take my lumps.    Mary
Magi should be back in a few hours.

[allaboutmary]

I know why I relapsed.  I was impatient.  It was taking so long to get energy and motivation back.  I was close to the 2 month mark and couldn't stand being so lazy.  I know I have much work to do on myself this time. I am excited about the suboxone, but at the same time I am scared. I know even when I get off the sub I have to give myself alot of healing time.  I have done so much damage. I'm very afraid I will never be clear headed again. I know I need some sort of therapy or N/A meetings. Wed. doesn't seem to be soon enough for me.  We have been struggling so because we planned on detoxing at home again and then work got really busy and it's just not possible.  I fear that the suboxone is just buying us a month and then we will have to be outta work for 2 weeks again. I just know I have to stop the pills now !

[IBKleen]

Aftercare. But you knew that honey. I am worried about you.

[avisg]

Getting therapy is soooo important ,you need to get to the root of your usage .If you want to stay clean you will have to do something , NA ,therapy ,addiction therapy , pastor ,something on a regular basis.

  I strongly suggest a quick sub taper and counseling  both can recover
    I am here to support you . I am proud of you for coming clean ,I was so disappointed and embarrassed with  myself in sept when I admitted I had used . I got threw it you to will too !!....
avis

[GoingToMakeIt]

I am proud of you for putting this out here. I know it was hard to do. We are here for you. Sub will be a good route to take. God be with you.

[IBKleen]

Mary..Magi...

I adore you guys, I think you know that.

I formerly started using drugs when I was 13. found my DOC at fifteen. that was 42 years ago. I have a lot of experiencing using drugs, and a little experience on how NOT to use drugs. But the experience I have with clean time..works. I KNOW that I cannot get clean alone. I know THAT I cannot STAY clean alone. I KNOW that I need help to get to the core issues that caused me to use in the first place.

"Normal" people don't pop pills, or stick needles in their arms to feel good. they just do it. As addicts, we lack the ability to do that. We CAN'T feel good because of our brain chemistry, so we use drugs. And, we use them for the reasons that normal people find "normal", if that makes any sense.

So, when I say aftercare, I mean whatever it takes to get you to that place where you re-learn how to naturally "feel good".

Please, the two of you are such beautiful ladies........

[allaboutmary]

Thank You all so much !  I do agree we need after care.  Last time we just didn't push ourselves to get to a meeting.  We are lazy, lazy buggers. We went to one bad meeting and wrote the whole thing off.
I'm having a bad day all around today.  Magi and I are on seperate jobs today and I seem to go into an all day anxiety attack not having her there. This is how close we are. I think we were suppose to be twins or something.  
Thanks again everyone.  You are all so wonderful.  
Mary

[road2recovery]

U too can never dissapoint us..We love you girls..I think you both are going in the right direction with going on sub, and working together on this.....
Also glad u will look into aftercare, i think it is what has helped me not to relapse...i see a consouler who is also a addict in recovery, so she understands everything, but also gives me a kick in my *** when i need one..
Wishing you both the best, and please post whether using or not...Let us know how ya'll are doing...
good luck
hugs to you both
r2r

[road2recovery]

also, i wanted to say that getting to the core of the problem can be painfull, so be prepared...i know you both had some issues with your brothers passing.....But u have to deal with these types of things, whether it is thearpy , meetings, higher power...It has to be something..
For me my first session was hard and i wanted a pill so i didn't feel what she got me to talk about, then i didn't want to go back...BUT i did and more came out, things that i thought i had buried and not had issues with ..But i did and i needed to get it out..
I knew there was a reason just was scared to face it..So that is why i turned to alcohol first, then got sober from that , felt great....Started having female problems , lots of pain, then pain meds, so i replaced one for another....My DOC i think will always be alcohol, but for me i can't tough any of it...I will never be a social drinker...And i hate that...Why can't i go eat dinner and have a glass of wine? or one beer?  like everyone else...
Well we all know the answer to that one..
But once i understood that, and stopped blaming my childhood , thing that happen to Almost 5 months and to be honest Mary i have not got the energy back when taking pills...But remember that is why we took them, for pain first then , the energy....So i happy just having the energy i had when i wasn't on pills...Most of the energy it gave me i was using to count pills, hide pills, call for pills, scared when running low, etc...So it really was wasted energy...
Don't be scared, it will get better......Wishing Mary and Magi the best...
Honesty is the best, so thanks for having the courage to tell us...
love
r2r

[flmagi]

Thanks again everyone. And yeah,like Mary said, we're going to have to find some after care. This time its gotta stick.  I'm done,  well done, cooked,  ripe and ready to go.
Hugs to all of you.
Magi