need to talk to someone about earning trust

[pittsburghstud007]

i have been 1,000,000% clean for almost a month now and that was the easy part.  im finally using my degree from college and working 5-6 days a week.  when i moved home from school i moved back with my parents and came clean with them and told them that i had ****** up and was abusing prescription pain killers.  i want and need to know how to gain the trust of my mother back..  i am an only child, (my older brother died before i was born) but my mother is having a really hard time trusting me.  i feel like if i would of just got my **** together how i did without coming clean i would of been better off, but i had to tell them b/c it wasn't myself for the past year.  can someone please help  me and let me know how i can gain the trust of her back.  this is driving me absolutly ******* crazy. . . . please let me know, thanks.  ~bleed black and gold~

[CATUF]

i was told to forget about trust and focus instead on my recovery.  

trust will be a by-product of reaching the goal of sustained recovery, but trust can't be obtained by seeking it directly.  

i know that i didn't deserve  trust at 30 days.  more importantly, i didn't need it -- trust would have been very dangerous for me at that time and for a long, long time therafter.

i needed to be kept safe and protected from a disease that is cunning, baffling, powerful, relentlessly progressive and ultimately fatal.  for the longest time my disease told me that i was ok now, that i could handle it, that it was all behind me, etc., etc., etc.  

all that was just another lie of my disease - another way that sob was trying to kill me.

if i had been trusted at 30 days, i'd be dead now.  what i needed for a long, long time was not trust, but accountability.  

i needed to understand, and believe, that it wasn't about being bad or good, but about being sick or well.  i was not a bad person trying to become good again, i was a very, very sick person trying to become well again.

try to think of addiction as any other fatal condition and the absurdity of trust becomes clear . . . a man who almost died from a coronary event saying "take that monitor away . . . i PROMISE to keep my heart beating regularly from now on . . . WHY WON"T YOU TRUST ME?"  

addiction really is as serious as a heart attack -- i can't ever forget that.

a concept that has strongly resonated with me lately is this:  my use of drugs was not the problem; my use of drugs was a failed soulution to the problem.  when i first started using, my drug of choice seemed to be the answer for everything . . . it seemed to be just what i had been missing all my life . . . i wanted the feeling i got from using to continue FOREVER.  

when my d.o.c. quit working and then turned on me, it seemed clear that the using was the problem, but it wasn't.  and just as using didn't fix the problem, not-using didn't fix the problem.  not-using is essential to recovery, but not-using is not recovery.  not-using just leaves me with the original problem.

pittsburgh has tons of AA (http://www.pghaa.org/) and NA (http://www.tsrscna.org/)meetings -- go to 90 meetings in the next 90 days, AA or NA, whatever seems to feel best for you.  

decide that you're not even going to think about your mom's trust until you've done your first 90 meetings -- you will still think about it, of course, but when you do just remind yourself that you decided not to do that for now and try to put that thought away.  after the 90 meetings, assess how things are vis a vis your mom's trust, your need to have it, and the state of your life in general.

i was told that if i put half the effort into my recovery that i put into my active addiction, that i'd probably make it.  i found that to be more than true and i found the rewards to be much greater than expected.  

when i was using i was willing to go to any length (and pay any price) to get what i needed, when i needed it.  i knew that active addiction took time and effort - it seemed reasonable that recovery would take some time and effort too.

CATUF
1488

black and gold on sunday,
but blue and gold on saturday (how 'bout them eers!)

[penelope101]

it takes time to build trust months, even years sometimes, -- I have use to have a friend to was always sorry every time he hurt me, but continued the same bad behavior continuing to hurt me, with no changes in his behavior. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!  So, when and if that person stops the bad behavior and is consistent with that for several months, then that person would have gained my trust, as such, it never happened. Be patient, and it will all work out for the best. God bless you. Penny

[corey411]

Hi Burg brother. Let me tell you that in addition to being a recovering pill addict, my son who is 30 now is over 4 years clean from heroin.
As everyone says...it comes back slow but be patient and it will come. It was very hard for me to trust my son again....I personally knew how easy it could resurface.
Your Mom needs to know about addiction. The average person has no idea...only thinks they do.
I also lost a son who was a year and a half younger than Rick. He died at 10 years old and this was part of my sons problem.
This is significant to you or you wouldn't have put it in your post. There is probably much that you need to straighten out with mom.
My son and I are now closer than I ever dreamed we could be. I am incredibly proud of him. I trust him with my life.
If your mom ever needs to talk she can post or I will call her if it will help....I'm near Monroeville so town is close.

[worried878]

agree.recovery is a long process..in a monh no one can sa they r 100 percent clean.even if u have avoided every ubstance//in some books it could be coffee nicotine///hard to be 100 percent clean.and a month is a time to congadulate urself.but not anyone else..ur clean time is ur clean time..it is for u..andcongrats on the work u have done..always move forwrd

[j34]

For me I found that when I stopped using my family still was very confused at this abrupt turn around in my personality. It had to start with me to stop wanting everything for me I learned it is not all about me and my feelings .To me recovery is to start paying back to my family emotionally and just letting time heal. Getting out of my self centered behavior and feeling for somebody else is true recovery to me. all the best

[IBKleen]

You would be surprised what will happen when you are honest. THAT will build trust all by itself. They are your parents and they love you.

Try talking. Try being honest about all that has happened, all that is happening and how you are feeling. If I am wrong, I will eat my shoes. But I bet if you come clean, they will begin to trust you. Again, it takes time and you need to give them the time that they gave you.

I hope you stick around and I so hope it all works or you.

[benevolentlaughter]

I know what you're saying, and I have heard of people being that percentage clean. You meant that you're clean all together. I don't know why other people have a hard time understanding what that meant... Anyway:

I know what you're going through. I'm scared to say anything to my parents ONLY because I know this will happen!

[IBKleen]

First, please curtail your language. Is it necessary to use that language to make a point?

I have never known anyone to be that clean...that percentage anyway so congrats on that.

Trust is something that is earned. I don't know about you but I did many, many things for my family and friends to lose trust in me. so when I got clean, it took time.

Show her that you are different now by doing the right thing and give her a break. Put yourself in her shoes and understand that she may not fully grasp the disease of addiction. So she is confused. She may never understand what you went through.

You are expecting too much too soon. Give it time and if you stay clean, believe me, the trust will come back.

[TysonRed]

Totally agree with sara, when it comes to regaining trust our actions and continued determination to stay sober speaks volumes to those around us who feel betrayed in some sense. Alot of the times our family and friends are weary of jumping back on our band wagon because they dont want to feel let down if a relapse occurs. The one thing I can tell you is the fact that you came clean is a big step in your journey. It shows that you are sincere in your effort to remain clean, it takes alot of courage to admit our mistakes. Over my years of addiction I found that when I would make half-hearted attempts I wouldnt tell anyone that I was trying to quit because I didnt want to let them down. So remain patient with your parents, continue your efforts on a daily basis to stay sober and things will come around. Congrats on the 1 month mark, getting off opiates is no easy task so you should be proud of yourself. So keep up the good work, take care.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Sarah wouldnt steer you wrong - - A month isnt much in the scheme of things .... need to show her she may trust you - - how long did you spend showing her she couldnt trust you? It shouldnt take any where near that long.....   try to act yourelf into thinking properly - dont try and think yourself into acting properly.....

[dominosarah]

Hi....trust is something that comes back very slow.  I have found that actions speak louder than words.......Educate your mom on addiction, have her play a part in your recovery and she will feel more at ease.  I know this is easier said than done but with time your mom will trust you again.  Congrats on being clean for a month!!!  That is great so keep it going.........sara