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My Personal Journey... Update
So I am digging very deep and I still don't know what's right or wrong in my personal situation. I can't stand the constant pain, yet I absolutely can't and do not want to go down the path of getting addicted again. I know that takin the pills is only masking the problem with my spine but I just will not do a spinal fusion until I can no longer walk. I have been a nurse for 14 years, 5 of those was in pain management and I have witnessed first hand so many patients come in for pain management treatment that say they wish the never would have done it. Multiple people that now can not get around without the use of a Cain, both young and middle aged. I just can't do it, not right now anyway and I feel that I am in a catch 22.
I do " okay " not taking pain meds, however I just can't get out and do the things I enjoy doing. Most of those are spending time actually doing things w my girls. Even the smallest of things like walking the dogs or taking a short bike ride on the paved trail directly behind our home. I am sure you guys get the point. And, I pray that someone can truly understand how I feel and see how bad I am trying here! Trying to stay completely focused on my recovery, even though I am taking meds doesn't mean I put my recovery from addition on the back burner. It means that I am doing what I need to do right now to be able to live life all the while doing everything in my will to never go back to that dark hole, ever again! I really Hope that makes sense?!
As of now, the most I have taken of my Pain meds ( OxyContin 20mg )in a day is 2 and I am doing good with that. I am able to live somewhat of a normal life.. Just scares the Hell out of me that I will want more than that over time. In my previous post I mentioned my Mother and Husband holding them. She comes up every Wed (she lives about 35 min from us) and gives my husband 1 weeks supply then he dispenses them to me daily. That said, he puts 1 out for me every morning then he does not and will not give me another unless I ask and I am doing really well spacing the time between each one.. I am RX'd 1 every 4 hours, 4 times a day. Right now I have been taking 1 around 7 am then another ( often just a half ) around 3pm. So around 8 hours. Depending on the day and how my back feels often I don't even feel the need to take another one in the afternoon, or again, I may take a half.
I want to point out that I am in no way trying to justify why I need pills. I have posted to update the group with nothing but pure honesty and an open heart, open mind and open ears to suggestions. I am also still attending my meetings twice a week and have been honest with the group as well.
I just don't know what's right. I don't want to take pills but I also don't want to live in constant chronic pain where I can't get out and enjoy life. Life is too short and my girls are growing up way to quick. I think it's fair to say that I am very guarded with taking them. If I get to a point where I feel " more more more ".. Then I will pull myself off again just as I did before. I don't have access to them even if I wanted more, my Husband damn sure would not give me more than 4 a day and there's not a snowballs chance in Hell my Mother would give him any more than a weeks worth at a time.
I want to stay here, in the forums and continue to support and encourage others as it is Therapeutic for me as well. But....I am starting to feel guilty. It doesn't feel right when I am taking pain meds and encouraging others to live a clean life, even though I am not abusing them in any way. I also feel weak because I know there are many people on here that have Chronic pain as well, perhaps even worse then me. Yet they stopped the pills..
:(.. Maybe I am weak but at least I am strong enough to be honest with each of you. I just don't know. I am 33 years old and I just want to get out and live life and enjoy it while I still have somewhat of my youth.. And while my children are still young. They are both very outgoing and heavily involved in Sports. It's a challenge to keep up with that when I hurt so badly. Some days all I do is cry bc I know I will never truly be able to live the life I once did. Meaning the physical part. I used to love to run, to work out, ride my bike, coach softball.. and so on. These days should be the best Days of my life!!! Watching my girls grow and spending as much quality time with them as possible. It's hard to believe my oldest will be collage bound in 4 years! Time flys by so fast.
Just as it is said with detox and aftercare, one day at a time... And that's what I am doing now with my personal situation. One day at a time!
I would like to stay heavily involved in the forum if it's okay with you guys! I want to give back to newcomers what was given to me! I just don't want anyone to think " it's okay to go back to pills.. DTS did " I couldn't live with myself if that were to occur. My personal situation is just a little different, or so I think so anyways. Maybe that's wrong and I am most certainly not trying to make excuses!!
Lastly,
I want to say Thank You So Very Much to each of you whom have supported me so very much throughout this entire journey. Without each of you, I wouldn't have come as far as I am now!
To Our Angel in the Sky, IBK :
I miss you dearly and I have been thinking for the past few days..." What would IBK say ?!"
With Love,
Ashley
I do " okay " not taking pain meds, however I just can't get out and do the things I enjoy doing. Most of those are spending time actually doing things w my girls. Even the smallest of things like walking the dogs or taking a short bike ride on the paved trail directly behind our home. I am sure you guys get the point. And, I pray that someone can truly understand how I feel and see how bad I am trying here! Trying to stay completely focused on my recovery, even though I am taking meds doesn't mean I put my recovery from addition on the back burner. It means that I am doing what I need to do right now to be able to live life all the while doing everything in my will to never go back to that dark hole, ever again! I really Hope that makes sense?!
As of now, the most I have taken of my Pain meds ( OxyContin 20mg )in a day is 2 and I am doing good with that. I am able to live somewhat of a normal life.. Just scares the Hell out of me that I will want more than that over time. In my previous post I mentioned my Mother and Husband holding them. She comes up every Wed (she lives about 35 min from us) and gives my husband 1 weeks supply then he dispenses them to me daily. That said, he puts 1 out for me every morning then he does not and will not give me another unless I ask and I am doing really well spacing the time between each one.. I am RX'd 1 every 4 hours, 4 times a day. Right now I have been taking 1 around 7 am then another ( often just a half ) around 3pm. So around 8 hours. Depending on the day and how my back feels often I don't even feel the need to take another one in the afternoon, or again, I may take a half.
I want to point out that I am in no way trying to justify why I need pills. I have posted to update the group with nothing but pure honesty and an open heart, open mind and open ears to suggestions. I am also still attending my meetings twice a week and have been honest with the group as well.
I just don't know what's right. I don't want to take pills but I also don't want to live in constant chronic pain where I can't get out and enjoy life. Life is too short and my girls are growing up way to quick. I think it's fair to say that I am very guarded with taking them. If I get to a point where I feel " more more more ".. Then I will pull myself off again just as I did before. I don't have access to them even if I wanted more, my Husband damn sure would not give me more than 4 a day and there's not a snowballs chance in Hell my Mother would give him any more than a weeks worth at a time.
I want to stay here, in the forums and continue to support and encourage others as it is Therapeutic for me as well. But....I am starting to feel guilty. It doesn't feel right when I am taking pain meds and encouraging others to live a clean life, even though I am not abusing them in any way. I also feel weak because I know there are many people on here that have Chronic pain as well, perhaps even worse then me. Yet they stopped the pills..
:(.. Maybe I am weak but at least I am strong enough to be honest with each of you. I just don't know. I am 33 years old and I just want to get out and live life and enjoy it while I still have somewhat of my youth.. And while my children are still young. They are both very outgoing and heavily involved in Sports. It's a challenge to keep up with that when I hurt so badly. Some days all I do is cry bc I know I will never truly be able to live the life I once did. Meaning the physical part. I used to love to run, to work out, ride my bike, coach softball.. and so on. These days should be the best Days of my life!!! Watching my girls grow and spending as much quality time with them as possible. It's hard to believe my oldest will be collage bound in 4 years! Time flys by so fast.
Just as it is said with detox and aftercare, one day at a time... And that's what I am doing now with my personal situation. One day at a time!
I would like to stay heavily involved in the forum if it's okay with you guys! I want to give back to newcomers what was given to me! I just don't want anyone to think " it's okay to go back to pills.. DTS did " I couldn't live with myself if that were to occur. My personal situation is just a little different, or so I think so anyways. Maybe that's wrong and I am most certainly not trying to make excuses!!
Lastly,
I want to say Thank You So Very Much to each of you whom have supported me so very much throughout this entire journey. Without each of you, I wouldn't have come as far as I am now!
To Our Angel in the Sky, IBK :
I miss you dearly and I have been thinking for the past few days..." What would IBK say ?!"
With Love,
Ashley
Nothing is as black or white as some of the folks on here seem to believe. Life is just one big grey area, and what works for some does not always work for all. In good faith, this poster laid out her pain, her truth and her plan. She goes to meetings twice a week and her meds are locked and dispensed by her husband. Who is to say she is not in recovery and can't post here? That's just mean and unfounded. It. could be anyone of us. We all live in glass houses, do we not??
When I joined this forum no one said it was a place where everyone had to be 100% clean to be here. I came to get off oxycodone and I did and its two years .. but if I'm at a wedding or party I will have a glass of wine, or a poke of a j when it comes along. I am not addicted to it, its occasionall. Now perhaps I should reset my tracker or stop posting? I don't think so
In closing, I would just like to point out that chronic pain patients are not junkies, they are being treated for REAL issues. Sure they become dependant. That's a side effect of the medicine. Then there are the junkies, people like me who have no physical issues but are compelled to do drugs to escape their life or just have fun. These are the people we should be laying into. The pain people deserve a little more slack. I work in Trauma, and I know pain. I see it daily in ways none of you can imagine. Tell me something, where did all of the love go on this forum? I'm sick and tired of the meanness. And that's my 2¢ents.
When I joined this forum no one said it was a place where everyone had to be 100% clean to be here. I came to get off oxycodone and I did and its two years .. but if I'm at a wedding or party I will have a glass of wine, or a poke of a j when it comes along. I am not addicted to it, its occasionall. Now perhaps I should reset my tracker or stop posting? I don't think so
In closing, I would just like to point out that chronic pain patients are not junkies, they are being treated for REAL issues. Sure they become dependant. That's a side effect of the medicine. Then there are the junkies, people like me who have no physical issues but are compelled to do drugs to escape their life or just have fun. These are the people we should be laying into. The pain people deserve a little more slack. I work in Trauma, and I know pain. I see it daily in ways none of you can imagine. Tell me something, where did all of the love go on this forum? I'm sick and tired of the meanness. And that's my 2¢ents.
HI
I sent you a PM. I feel that my post was misunderstood. YOU have been on here a long time and have alot to share. Sorry if I came across wrong. I am PROUD that you can do these the right way by only taking as needed and your hub holding them. I was just replying that I do not think I could. And I thought you would be very helpful in those other forms besides on here.
I do apologize if I was taken wrong. I find you very inspirational and glad you are here with all of us.
I am PROUD for you!
I sent you a PM. I feel that my post was misunderstood. YOU have been on here a long time and have alot to share. Sorry if I came across wrong. I am PROUD that you can do these the right way by only taking as needed and your hub holding them. I was just replying that I do not think I could. And I thought you would be very helpful in those other forms besides on here.
I do apologize if I was taken wrong. I find you very inspirational and glad you are here with all of us.
I am PROUD for you!
Not much change. Still taking Wayyy less than prescribed. On my bad days I may take 3.. But I try to bear it as long as possible. Husband is still dispensing and I am still on track. I read here daily but some of the previous post really did upset me so needless to say, I am not quite over that so I am not commenting on anything, only reading. Perhaps what offended me the most was the fact that I do NOT plan on taking these for a long, extended period of time therefore I will be making the jump again. I feel that I too need this forum as much as anyone else. Again, it keeps me in check. I suppose that's hard to explain..
I personally think I took all of this on way way to quick.. The move, the packing of the 6,000sq house, moving back closer to home, which was 2 hours away. Moving my kids to new Schools, starting my oldest as a freshman ( if you have teens or had them at one point then hopefully you can relate ) then having to unpack a house while my Husband is in the midst of his Busy season w a deadline to meet. That deadline is Sept 15th an I can't wait to have my Hisband back... I really hope you guys can see where I am coming from! All this on top of blowing all my disc back out 7 months after my back surgery...
I want to help others w this fight, I want to make a difference however I will not tolerate feeling belittled bc I have a chronic REAL pain issue!! I take my meds less than prescribed As needed with my Husband dispensing. For those that have followed my journey, then you know how hard I worked to get where I am and I find it offensive to say the least.. And I am still at a better place than months ago bc I am able to control my use and still halfway get out and enjoy my life in a little less pain!
I personally think I took all of this on way way to quick.. The move, the packing of the 6,000sq house, moving back closer to home, which was 2 hours away. Moving my kids to new Schools, starting my oldest as a freshman ( if you have teens or had them at one point then hopefully you can relate ) then having to unpack a house while my Husband is in the midst of his Busy season w a deadline to meet. That deadline is Sept 15th an I can't wait to have my Hisband back... I really hope you guys can see where I am coming from! All this on top of blowing all my disc back out 7 months after my back surgery...
I want to help others w this fight, I want to make a difference however I will not tolerate feeling belittled bc I have a chronic REAL pain issue!! I take my meds less than prescribed As needed with my Husband dispensing. For those that have followed my journey, then you know how hard I worked to get where I am and I find it offensive to say the least.. And I am still at a better place than months ago bc I am able to control my use and still halfway get out and enjoy my life in a little less pain!
How are things going??
I just went through this post again.
I too think YOU have every reason to stick around here. YOU have been on here for so long and know the Drill. There is a BIG difference in having them prescribed and taking as needed. This could happen to any of us. I just think you would be VERY helpful in other areas as well. YOU are a Great Inspiration around here and have been for a long time. I am proud of YOU!!
Keep on checking in and helping us all!!
Bless
I just went through this post again.
I too think YOU have every reason to stick around here. YOU have been on here for so long and know the Drill. There is a BIG difference in having them prescribed and taking as needed. This could happen to any of us. I just think you would be VERY helpful in other areas as well. YOU are a Great Inspiration around here and have been for a long time. I am proud of YOU!!
Keep on checking in and helping us all!!
Bless
glad to hear from ya just keep doing what works and I take injections now they last about 3-4 weeks depending on activity so give it a try that could be the magic thing best wishes.
I'm so glad to hear that. I still haven't gotten over it the comments that was said to you. Glad to have u back. You have helped so many people. Keep it up. Pm me anytime
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