Aa
My Personal Journey... Update
So I am digging very deep and I still don't know what's right or wrong in my personal situation. I can't stand the constant pain, yet I absolutely can't and do not want to go down the path of getting addicted again. I know that takin the pills is only masking the problem with my spine but I just will not do a spinal fusion until I can no longer walk. I have been a nurse for 14 years, 5 of those was in pain management and I have witnessed first hand so many patients come in for pain management treatment that say they wish the never would have done it. Multiple people that now can not get around without the use of a Cain, both young and middle aged. I just can't do it, not right now anyway and I feel that I am in a catch 22.
I do " okay " not taking pain meds, however I just can't get out and do the things I enjoy doing. Most of those are spending time actually doing things w my girls. Even the smallest of things like walking the dogs or taking a short bike ride on the paved trail directly behind our home. I am sure you guys get the point. And, I pray that someone can truly understand how I feel and see how bad I am trying here! Trying to stay completely focused on my recovery, even though I am taking meds doesn't mean I put my recovery from addition on the back burner. It means that I am doing what I need to do right now to be able to live life all the while doing everything in my will to never go back to that dark hole, ever again! I really Hope that makes sense?!
As of now, the most I have taken of my Pain meds ( OxyContin 20mg )in a day is 2 and I am doing good with that. I am able to live somewhat of a normal life.. Just scares the Hell out of me that I will want more than that over time. In my previous post I mentioned my Mother and Husband holding them. She comes up every Wed (she lives about 35 min from us) and gives my husband 1 weeks supply then he dispenses them to me daily. That said, he puts 1 out for me every morning then he does not and will not give me another unless I ask and I am doing really well spacing the time between each one.. I am RX'd 1 every 4 hours, 4 times a day. Right now I have been taking 1 around 7 am then another ( often just a half ) around 3pm. So around 8 hours. Depending on the day and how my back feels often I don't even feel the need to take another one in the afternoon, or again, I may take a half.
I want to point out that I am in no way trying to justify why I need pills. I have posted to update the group with nothing but pure honesty and an open heart, open mind and open ears to suggestions. I am also still attending my meetings twice a week and have been honest with the group as well.
I just don't know what's right. I don't want to take pills but I also don't want to live in constant chronic pain where I can't get out and enjoy life. Life is too short and my girls are growing up way to quick. I think it's fair to say that I am very guarded with taking them. If I get to a point where I feel " more more more ".. Then I will pull myself off again just as I did before. I don't have access to them even if I wanted more, my Husband damn sure would not give me more than 4 a day and there's not a snowballs chance in Hell my Mother would give him any more than a weeks worth at a time.
I want to stay here, in the forums and continue to support and encourage others as it is Therapeutic for me as well. But....I am starting to feel guilty. It doesn't feel right when I am taking pain meds and encouraging others to live a clean life, even though I am not abusing them in any way. I also feel weak because I know there are many people on here that have Chronic pain as well, perhaps even worse then me. Yet they stopped the pills..
:(.. Maybe I am weak but at least I am strong enough to be honest with each of you. I just don't know. I am 33 years old and I just want to get out and live life and enjoy it while I still have somewhat of my youth.. And while my children are still young. They are both very outgoing and heavily involved in Sports. It's a challenge to keep up with that when I hurt so badly. Some days all I do is cry bc I know I will never truly be able to live the life I once did. Meaning the physical part. I used to love to run, to work out, ride my bike, coach softball.. and so on. These days should be the best Days of my life!!! Watching my girls grow and spending as much quality time with them as possible. It's hard to believe my oldest will be collage bound in 4 years! Time flys by so fast.
Just as it is said with detox and aftercare, one day at a time... And that's what I am doing now with my personal situation. One day at a time!
I would like to stay heavily involved in the forum if it's okay with you guys! I want to give back to newcomers what was given to me! I just don't want anyone to think " it's okay to go back to pills.. DTS did " I couldn't live with myself if that were to occur. My personal situation is just a little different, or so I think so anyways. Maybe that's wrong and I am most certainly not trying to make excuses!!
Lastly,
I want to say Thank You So Very Much to each of you whom have supported me so very much throughout this entire journey. Without each of you, I wouldn't have come as far as I am now!
To Our Angel in the Sky, IBK :
I miss you dearly and I have been thinking for the past few days..." What would IBK say ?!"
With Love,
Ashley
I do " okay " not taking pain meds, however I just can't get out and do the things I enjoy doing. Most of those are spending time actually doing things w my girls. Even the smallest of things like walking the dogs or taking a short bike ride on the paved trail directly behind our home. I am sure you guys get the point. And, I pray that someone can truly understand how I feel and see how bad I am trying here! Trying to stay completely focused on my recovery, even though I am taking meds doesn't mean I put my recovery from addition on the back burner. It means that I am doing what I need to do right now to be able to live life all the while doing everything in my will to never go back to that dark hole, ever again! I really Hope that makes sense?!
As of now, the most I have taken of my Pain meds ( OxyContin 20mg )in a day is 2 and I am doing good with that. I am able to live somewhat of a normal life.. Just scares the Hell out of me that I will want more than that over time. In my previous post I mentioned my Mother and Husband holding them. She comes up every Wed (she lives about 35 min from us) and gives my husband 1 weeks supply then he dispenses them to me daily. That said, he puts 1 out for me every morning then he does not and will not give me another unless I ask and I am doing really well spacing the time between each one.. I am RX'd 1 every 4 hours, 4 times a day. Right now I have been taking 1 around 7 am then another ( often just a half ) around 3pm. So around 8 hours. Depending on the day and how my back feels often I don't even feel the need to take another one in the afternoon, or again, I may take a half.
I want to point out that I am in no way trying to justify why I need pills. I have posted to update the group with nothing but pure honesty and an open heart, open mind and open ears to suggestions. I am also still attending my meetings twice a week and have been honest with the group as well.
I just don't know what's right. I don't want to take pills but I also don't want to live in constant chronic pain where I can't get out and enjoy life. Life is too short and my girls are growing up way to quick. I think it's fair to say that I am very guarded with taking them. If I get to a point where I feel " more more more ".. Then I will pull myself off again just as I did before. I don't have access to them even if I wanted more, my Husband damn sure would not give me more than 4 a day and there's not a snowballs chance in Hell my Mother would give him any more than a weeks worth at a time.
I want to stay here, in the forums and continue to support and encourage others as it is Therapeutic for me as well. But....I am starting to feel guilty. It doesn't feel right when I am taking pain meds and encouraging others to live a clean life, even though I am not abusing them in any way. I also feel weak because I know there are many people on here that have Chronic pain as well, perhaps even worse then me. Yet they stopped the pills..
:(.. Maybe I am weak but at least I am strong enough to be honest with each of you. I just don't know. I am 33 years old and I just want to get out and live life and enjoy it while I still have somewhat of my youth.. And while my children are still young. They are both very outgoing and heavily involved in Sports. It's a challenge to keep up with that when I hurt so badly. Some days all I do is cry bc I know I will never truly be able to live the life I once did. Meaning the physical part. I used to love to run, to work out, ride my bike, coach softball.. and so on. These days should be the best Days of my life!!! Watching my girls grow and spending as much quality time with them as possible. It's hard to believe my oldest will be collage bound in 4 years! Time flys by so fast.
Just as it is said with detox and aftercare, one day at a time... And that's what I am doing now with my personal situation. One day at a time!
I would like to stay heavily involved in the forum if it's okay with you guys! I want to give back to newcomers what was given to me! I just don't want anyone to think " it's okay to go back to pills.. DTS did " I couldn't live with myself if that were to occur. My personal situation is just a little different, or so I think so anyways. Maybe that's wrong and I am most certainly not trying to make excuses!!
Lastly,
I want to say Thank You So Very Much to each of you whom have supported me so very much throughout this entire journey. Without each of you, I wouldn't have come as far as I am now!
To Our Angel in the Sky, IBK :
I miss you dearly and I have been thinking for the past few days..." What would IBK say ?!"
With Love,
Ashley
Thanks SO much for your kind comment. I am doing well. I will be honest though. Even though the pain meds help, I miss being free of everything. I just felt " healthier " if that makes sense. It's just a different feeling.
Same as usual, my Husband is dispensing my meds and on the Worst of worst I may take 3 a day... But that's the most ever!! That's way less than I am prescribed as well.
I want to stay here on the forum bc it helps me to keep on track! I also don't plan on taking these much longer. When I see my pain Dr in a couple weeks, I plan on discussing more injections.
Just wanted to touch base. I stayed away for awhile due to " some hurtful comments " but I am over it now and ready to be an active part in the community once again.
Same as usual, my Husband is dispensing my meds and on the Worst of worst I may take 3 a day... But that's the most ever!! That's way less than I am prescribed as well.
I want to stay here on the forum bc it helps me to keep on track! I also don't plan on taking these much longer. When I see my pain Dr in a couple weeks, I plan on discussing more injections.
Just wanted to touch base. I stayed away for awhile due to " some hurtful comments " but I am over it now and ready to be an active part in the community once again.
D, from the first post way back when you struggled prior to your move this site pulled you through the good the bad the hubby issues the minor and major meltdowns and through the recovery process you learned how to help other that were in your previous boat... Now you are in a different mode of your recovery and that's fine and since you have got the will to help other just stay and do it don't let others judge you this is a site for "Substance abuse community" there are all kinds in a community don't give up the fight.
Thanks Sarah!
Your one of those " many " I care deeply for! You have been a major part in my recovery for a very long time and I Thank You again. There is no high in taking 1 pill when I need it, there's relief! I have seen a pattern throughout my years of being a member here and I am sure that you can relate... People come here new, desperately seeking help and we support them, walk them through those first 7 days or so then they are gone, not to be heard from again. I myself have sent PM's to such types of people only to get no response, therefore we can only assume they went back to abusing. For myself, an the others above in a similar situation, I think it's safe to say that if we were a using pills and getting high we likely wouldn't be here and would have " jetted " like many have in the past.
This forum, along with my meetings keeps me in check and remains a staple in my recovery.
Your one of those " many " I care deeply for! You have been a major part in my recovery for a very long time and I Thank You again. There is no high in taking 1 pill when I need it, there's relief! I have seen a pattern throughout my years of being a member here and I am sure that you can relate... People come here new, desperately seeking help and we support them, walk them through those first 7 days or so then they are gone, not to be heard from again. I myself have sent PM's to such types of people only to get no response, therefore we can only assume they went back to abusing. For myself, an the others above in a similar situation, I think it's safe to say that if we were a using pills and getting high we likely wouldn't be here and would have " jetted " like many have in the past.
This forum, along with my meetings keeps me in check and remains a staple in my recovery.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is a bit of advice....Take what you need and leave the rest. You are more than welcome to keep posting here and helping others. You are NOT abusing meds or promoting them so please stick around.
First off, Thank you Luvdolphins and Puppies!
I have been on the forum every single day, just not commenting an honestly, I haven't felt like even commenting here.
Plowboy, Thanks for checking in on me!! I am actually doing good. I had not taken a pill in 4 days but took 1 today... Hence, AS NEEDED! I was doing some gardening yesterday so I was hurting pretty bad today.
During those 4 days that I was taking Inprofen 800, I felt zero withdrawls and zero cravings. If my pain isn't bad.. Then I don't take them.. Period!!! My Husband still has them as discussed in my initial post.
I just wanted to check in. There are many of you here that I care deeply for.
I am not even going to comment on the above, all I will say is that it down right ****$d me off!! I feel that I have helped countless amounts of people here through their detox, walked them through... That's all I am going to say.
Sadly, I have taken a break here for obvious reasons. To each's own on their opinions.... But, if certain people don't know me and have not followed my journey, then please refrain from commenting. That's all I am going to say!!
I am still attending my meetings twice a week! I suppose honesty doesn't get you too far with certain people and that's just sad!!
I am VERY proud of where I am today and I am also proud to say that
I am " a recovering addict "
Taking 1-2 pills a week doesn't make me an addict IMO and.... Let me say this again.. I have helped many many people here get where they are now!!
Don't know what else to say!
DTS
I have been on the forum every single day, just not commenting an honestly, I haven't felt like even commenting here.
Plowboy, Thanks for checking in on me!! I am actually doing good. I had not taken a pill in 4 days but took 1 today... Hence, AS NEEDED! I was doing some gardening yesterday so I was hurting pretty bad today.
During those 4 days that I was taking Inprofen 800, I felt zero withdrawls and zero cravings. If my pain isn't bad.. Then I don't take them.. Period!!! My Husband still has them as discussed in my initial post.
I just wanted to check in. There are many of you here that I care deeply for.
I am not even going to comment on the above, all I will say is that it down right ****$d me off!! I feel that I have helped countless amounts of people here through their detox, walked them through... That's all I am going to say.
Sadly, I have taken a break here for obvious reasons. To each's own on their opinions.... But, if certain people don't know me and have not followed my journey, then please refrain from commenting. That's all I am going to say!!
I am still attending my meetings twice a week! I suppose honesty doesn't get you too far with certain people and that's just sad!!
I am VERY proud of where I am today and I am also proud to say that
I am " a recovering addict "
Taking 1-2 pills a week doesn't make me an addict IMO and.... Let me say this again.. I have helped many many people here get where they are now!!
Don't know what else to say!
DTS
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