My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

[Teej16]

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!

[dominosarah]

You can yell at me!!

The best thing to do right now is get up, shower and get some fresh air.  The more you are up and moving the better off you will be.  The hot/cold thing wont last real long but it is a pain while it is going on.  Sleep is hard to come by but it does come back so hang on.  You are doing great!!!

Are you taking any supplements/vitamins?

[allformykid]

Try to relax and breath and be patient with yourself.  The w/ds don't last forever!  I woke up today (day 4) feeling pretty good.  I'm not 100% but at least my hands and feet don't feel like they have severe sunburn anymore!  Ugh that sucked!

What I'm trying to say is that it gets better pretty quickly so hang in there!  YOU GOT THIS and we are all here to support your success!

[Teej16]

Ugh, I didn't sleep for a single minute last night. I don't know whethe to wear long sleeves and pants because I'm freezing, or shorts and T's for when I'm hot, it changes minute to minute! . Which makes sense! I don't really know where I'm supposed to write on here or how to get friends. But I just needed to yell to someone about how horrific today is for some reason. I was up all night and I am so tired but can't sleep, and I don't wanna get out of bed :(

[overopiates]

As u can c u have MANY people to talk to.as for u being a horrible,heartless person thats rediculous.if that were at all true u wouldnt feel the way u do,have4days clean,be so worried about the pain u will cause ur husband.i think u might be selling him short.he knows about addiction,its a disease.U need inpatient rehab.U need to be honest as u both love each other so much and he deserves the truth.what if u get clean and 6months,a yr whenever he finda out and u werent honest.he will feel like a fool and be devastated he hid this and lued.U can tell him and get n2a program.let him know he is angry and hurt,ur sry and love him so much and know that rehab is the only way for u to be able to get and stay clean and u will be honest from this point on.if u have him when ur craving u can tell him u need to get to a meeting.snt lose this because ur scared.if u love him he has the right to know the truth.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Teej good to see your hanging in there congrats on kicking the diladid I to had to do that once it a tuff nut to crack I have found threw trial and error that programs like N/a make the diffence of staying clean or going back out there right now lets focus on getting you threw the detox and when your better you can hit a meeting your like many addicts you go threw clean times but for whatever reason wind up back using the meeting can break the cycle right now just give yourself a break your not a horable person your an addict....you came to a great place for support we all want to see you get clean so minute by minute if you have to you can do this best of luck and God bless....Gnarly

[Norco1947]

Hi Teej ,
I told most people i had the flu and that has caused a broken rib for a few days extra time .
Sounds like the Cop BF  really loves you , He will be so happy to get the new you back forever .
It's tuff but fight hard this will pass ..........Ron