My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

[Teej16]

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!

[Bad Co]

So glad to hear that you made it through the night. You are in the exact position I was 35 days ago. I cried for 2 days. I was a mess. I felt like I failed my wife, my incredible son, my awesome parents, everyone. My wife had thought I had "beaten this long ago. I had hid my relapse as well. She congratulated me on my sobriety a few times (minutes after I had eaten or snorted any opiate I could find) and it was the emptiest feeling I had ever had. She has stuck with me far longer than I ever deserved. Now I have a lifetime to to pay her back for being so strong and supportive for me. I too had to have another flu, to get this far. Work was fun too, :)
Don't feel lost, consider yourself found. If it is truly your time to beat this, you're no longer lost. If you can accept that you can't do this on your own and you need help you will be fine. Use the N/A- A/A meetings, and this site to get through your worst times. I never thought I could get through the w/d's while living a professional life, being a dad, son and husband  but I have so far and it is getting better everyday. You're doing so great! Keep it up. Remember, good music and good exercise will make you feel better every time!

Bad Co

[Teej16]

Holy cow!!! Not to sound like a big baby, but I'm sitting here reading all these messages from you amazing people BALLING MY EYEBALLS OUT!! I never ever expected this, in a million years, a place where I could be open, and instead of getting horrible feedback, it was ALL love!!! I felt when I fell asleep last night, super exposed, I had opened myself up, and was just waiting for the backlash, and to wake up and be bombarded (in a good way) with SO much love, well, it has me in tears. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, because for the first time in FOREVER, I feel like I have a place, where I am accepted and encouraged. You all had SUCH amazing insight and advice. You all are so right about meetings, and I think when I start to feel able to function I will start to go. Right now my bf thinks I have the flu, and that's why I'm in bed so much. I can't wait to be active again. I'm ALWAYS sick and lethargic, making up some excuse to him about why I feel like crap. Poor guy. He always takes care of me, not knowing the horrible truth. Bad co and keith, I can't tell you how amazing it was to hear of people who have been in my shoes, all for my kid , I just bought it on iTunes! Haha. My gosh I want to respond to EACH and everyone of you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart, there's SO MANY though! Lol just know, that each of your messages was carefully read through tearful eyes and I am beyond greatful, that was REALLY the push I needed today :) thank you!

[Bad Co]

You're probably still in the middle w/d's today. I hope you come back on and let us know how you're doing. Everyone of us addicts, hid, lied, stole or cheated someone to get high. Just because we've done despicable things doesn't make us despicable people. My wife thought I had been clean multiple times. She too has been an angel that I didn't think I deserved. I lied and hid from her my relapses too many times. No matter how hard I tried I just kept failing. One night in the middle of my w/d's where I was lying in bed sweating, freezing and crying I broke down with her and told her I everything. I was so afraid that she was going to throw me out and give up on me. Because she knows I'm not a horrible person she was willing to pour herself into my recovery one more time. I have taken this help and run with it. I had to surrender all hope of fixing this on my own. I needed help from someone, anyone. I have started going to N/A and A/A meetings. At first I was afraid I would be spotted by someone I knew. I have coached sports in my small town for years. I was afraid someone would find out the honest, respectful guy they knew was an addict all along. After the first meeting I completely forgot about that and was so focused on my recovery that I didn't really care who knew. If I was serious about getting clean, I was going to have to embrace that and tear down the walls of my double life anyways. I know it's not easy, but st some point in your recovery this will happen.

Please let us know how you're feeling and if you need anymore inspiration.

[Ben727]

Are you surprised at the total lack of negative feedback you're getting? Now you know: You are not alone. Every day you battle your addiction is a day you can be proud of. You will always be an addict, but if you take the right steps to never use, I think that makes you a better person than most, not a worse one. Read all the other posts carefully - they contain the wisdom from decades of clean time!

[dominosarah]

How are you doing today?  4 days is great!

[pitbullmom]

only thing i want to add is, alot of cops hav drug and alcohal issues if ur worried bout being seen at n/a got to a/a is much more socially excepted  but has the same principals