My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

[Teej16]

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!

[Teresa1717]

Hi Tee and welcome here! As others above me have stated, you are ina  great , non-judgmental place here! We have all been where you are today at least once. Some have already made it across, some (like me) are still getting there. The most important thing is you dont quit. 4 days is amazing!! I promise that soon you will start to see the clouds lifting!

As Weaver said, you should consider NA or AA. I have relapsed many times and the one thing I have already done differently this time is I went to a meeting. You think there are supportive people here?! You just wait until you go to a meeting.  Bottom line is I know your scared, as we all were, but You can do it!

Stay strong friend and were all here to support you!

[candy_17]

Welcome Tee:) so glad you're here. You're not a horrible person. You're a very strong and brave person that has a disease just like the rest of us here. I agree with Weaver that you need to attend some na meetings. It's nothing to be embarassed about, every addict has to work at staying clean EVERYDAY for the rest of their life. Congrats on 4 days, the worse of the physical withdrawls should be behind you now focus on the mental part and na would be a great step. Best of luck to you, keep posting, the people here understand you and care and support you!! God bless.

[selfinduced]

Good Morning Tee, and Welcome, Rushing to get my son out the door, but wanted to tell you, your not alone at all. We could have all written your post at one time or another. If you are on day 4, your golden with the physical. You will have a few more weeks of low energy, depression and lingering w/d symptoms, but you'll be fine. The mental is another thing. Yes, The more support the better. I detoxed,w/d, and am in recovery on my own. Just my circumstances, but I was at a point where it was do or die. I didn't have another detox in me. Can you go to an addiction councilor if meetings are too scary for you? Chances are your BF will understand, but I do know the fear of disclosing and that is your choice. I can just tell you the freedom that comes from not having to chase a high or even the pills to feel well is the most amazing feeling in the world. You can free your mind up to plan your future....marriage....kids....career. These pillls rob us of our emotions, happiness and self worth. Getting and staying clean will be a journey, but one I promise will be the greatest thing you could ever do. We think we are acting normal with our mates, families, friends etc while on pills, but (for me) not the case. Step by step...day by day, you can do this. Keep posting with any symptoms...for support ...or just to vent. We're here and we've been THERE. Prayers and hugs headed your way.

[weaver71]

I think a meeting would keep you from feeling so alone in this. You say you feel like dying and feel all alone, what could be worse? If someone sees you at a meeting, then they have the same problem. I found that I had to stop worrying about what anyone thought if I was going to live and be happy. You say you will lose everything if you get caught. Well, you will likely lose everything if you keep using. You know the priority. Heal yourself and all that other stuff will work out. In my meetings we say, "If you don't know what the next right thing is, do the next thing right." You are already 4 days closer to the real you, you can do this.

[Teej16]

Ps, I hit a button and it said something about select best answer and it posted your comment again! Lol I have no idea what I'm doing yet, lol

[Teej16]

I am in tears. You have no idea how long I have waited to hear words of encouragement. When I saw that someone wrote me I was preparing for the worst, instead I got amazing words of support. And I cannot thank you enough. I've been DYING to go to NA meetings, I was just so afraid someone who knows him would recognize me, and I don't want to make him look bad, because while HE accepts my past, some of his peers may not. But if you think it would be worth it for me to go, I will drive to the ends of the earth if you think it would be worth it! And again, thank you for not judging, your encouraging words mean more than you could ever know!