My story

[fromtheshadows]

I've never told my story before.  However, over the past few days, I've read the questions and responses of others.  This has helped me a lot.  I guess I need to get this off my chest and tell someone -- even if its in the relative anonymity of the internet.  Thank you all in advance for caring.  I feel safe saying so here.

About 10 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with cancer.  We had two young children.  During the 18 months it took her to die, she received pain med prescriptions -- primarily dilaudid.  She gave me one for a headache once, and boy it made me feel good.  I'd take one here or there -- it sure was a good distraction from the hell of life at the time.  Then, once, she was hospitalized and there wasn't any more at home.  I didn't think a thing about it . . . until a day later, I was having a drink after work and couldn't figure out why I felt so uncomfortable.  I thought it was the flu.  I then realized I was in withdrawal!  Shortly thereafter my wife passed away.  I shouldered on and raised my kids pretty well for many years. Never touched pain meds in that time.

Of course, those first few months were horrible!  Not from withdrawal, but from grief.  I made some stupid decisions, wasted some time, but finally got it all back together.  Things started going pretty good!  I remarried (and remain so) to the greatest woman anywhere.  I have another child.  Family is great.

But about 3 years ago, my wife was prescribed vicodin.  I took some.  I took some more . . . .  I got hooked again!  At about the same time, my job took a downturn (consequence of the economy).  Two years ago, I lost that job.  It was at this point that I started hitting the scripts pretty good.  I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror as I popped a couple and realized, I had a problem!  A big one.

Since then, I've tried to withdraw and detox at least 10 times (like so many others here).  I don't think I've made it more than 6 weeks between binges during this time.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not weak.  I couldn't figure out why I kept going back, since the withdrawal symptoms sucked so bad.

Then, as I was fishing around on the internet -- 18 days ago during day 1 -- I found the Thomas Recipe.  Along with some of the posts related to that, someone mentioned PAWS.  Eureka!  Even after the worst withdrawal symptoms went away, I still felt bad . . . depression.  Obvious, right?  I don't know why I didn't realize it before.  

Since I've kept this all a secret, its no wonder why I keep slipping back.  There is much wisdom in after care support.  Thing is, I haven't had any luck with head shrinkers in the past, and I really, really don't want to tell my family. I'm obviously not the same guy on the outside that I was before, but I haven't fallen too far in their eyes.  There's still time to turn my Titanic around.  I also don't want to go to meetings.

I now know though that its going to take a bit of time.  Months, maybe a year or more to come out of this depression.  I know it has layers -- the top layer is the PAWS part, but other aspects include my change of job, my kids growing up, you know -- things in life that we all must deal with.  Its just the PAWS part handicaps me in dealing with the rest of my issues.

But I'm not doing this again.  So that's where this post comes in.

I've said something.  I'm getting it off my chest.

On the internet, I've found a group of people who don't know each other.  But at the same time, know more about each other than some of their closest family members.  So thank you for helping me through this.

[bucksfan]

All I can say is my story is the exact same. I have tried quitting many times although I never hit a bottom, I would get fed up with them. I kept it a secret from the people I cared for most so there really were no consequences for using again. This time, I decided that had to change so I voluntarily went and told my mother about my problem in hopes that letting the cat out the bag would help me stay sober. I can say that I am now almost 20 days clean and have made it further than any length of time that I can remember. The fog is definitely lifted and mental wd's are slowing down, I am finally starting to get to a really good place and it feels good! This site has been a godsend and so glad I was able to come share my secret here but it wasnt enough. Now telling my mother seems to be!

[FassFeat]

I just wanted to comment, I hope you don't mind.  I am gathering that there are people from every walk of life on this forum, actually from many countries as well. I suspect some are Dr, lawyers, upper management and self employed, etc, etc.
I kept my own little secret and couldn't figure out why I kept slipping down the ladder at work, when I have been there for 20 yrs and had always been in the top 10% always. I also found that it always took more (drugs) to stay at an even keel. I didn't tell my kids (16 and 20) and I might not ever, but I did tell my wife of 25 yrs, guess what? she already knew (not the extent, it totally freaked her out) then I went to my family Dr, the one that delivered those kids of mine, it was humiliating, but it felt better to get it out there. I was at a point that I was spending all my productive time counting pills, lining up a new supply, etc. I finally reached a point that I had to fess up, regardless of the fall out. I felt like my wife would support me, but if she didn't and kicked me out, I was prepared. That is how sick of it that I got. Now that I am 10 days clean off of a big, nasty habit of hydrocodone, I too am thinking of options in aftercare. I have started going to church with my wife (she is soo happy about that) but we live in a small town area, and even if I go to one of the 3-4 nieghboring towns for meetings, I am likely to run into someone that I know. At this point, I still have pride, but feel that I have been given a second chance at life, so I view it as part of my new life. Maybe I will save someone that is struggling from this horrible pandemic that is far worse than any H1N1.
Last thought. When I was using, my #1 wish (strange) was that, man I wish I could get up in the morning and only need coffee and a bagel, maybe some juice to get going. I didn't think it would ever happen. I am very close to being there now.
I feel your pain, good luck and God Bless. Thanks for sharing.

[fromtheshadows]

Thank you all so much.  I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, Sarah.  I know that grief never really goes away . . . and I'm lucky to have my kids to help remind me of the good instead of the bad.  I try to keep that in perspective.

I've been on my own so long, so private, that its so hard for me to reach out for help.  As IBK noted, I do know this at a deep level -- which is why I reached out over the comfortable anonymity of the internet.

And I finally reached the same conclusion -- that stopping is the easy part (although it hurts so!) but staying clean is where I've been failing.  Thank you for your words of encouragement -- I will find the courage to stay clean, even if that means facing my worst fears.

Thank you all.

[dominosarah]

Many of us believed that once we stopped the pills it was over with, I had no idea that getting clean was the easy part.  Staying clean was when the real battle started.  We bury many many things while using.  I am still dealing with the grief process and my dad will be gone 4 yrs in Feb.  This is a slow process but so worth it.  Doing it my way just didnt work.  Only when I reached out for help did i start to see some changes.  Dont be afraid, dont let pride get in your way.....You can do this!!           sara

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

I will keep this simple---We are only as sick as our secrets. I think at some level you know that so you came on the internet and let it all out. I bet that felt good. And while this si a wonderful group of people whom I could not do without, it is never a replacement for an outside support group in the up close and personal sense.

Until you get honest with the people you share your life with and the people you choose to have as your support system, you will hold on to your thoughts and your feelings and that is what keeps us sick. That is what causes relapses.

I am making this sound easy when it isn't. I don't expect you to jump out of the chair and say "WOW, that's the ticket" but maybe something someone said here by the members will stick. Whatever you choose as support I hope you follow through with it and get to the core issues and tackle them. I know you will find even more happiness in your life.

Glad you found your way here.

[justneedtotalk]

Holy crap....When reading your post a chill went up my spine.  Other than your experience with your first wife my situation is almost the same.  I too am a normal functioning member of society with a great career and a great family.  They know nothing of my secret except for the fact that years ago I was on pain meds for a legitimate situation.  They do not know that I carried it past my doctor's prescription pad.  I too have relapsed several several times, mostly due to lack of supply.  

I completely understand your current situation, it is difficult to come out of the fog of opiate addiction without either a support group or positive areas in your life to focus on.....So, here is the alternative.  I made my way over the past several years hiding my 1-2 day, 1-2 week withdrawals from my work, family, and friends.  I refused to go to aftercare and refused to tell my wife.  I was desperate to maintain supply because each time the withdrawals were worse.  I then found methadone.....At the time it was the cure-all.  Once I started doing research and found out how horrible those withdrawals are I started this last campain to quite it all.  My point is that a drug is a drug is a drug.....We are all addicts in one form or another and are the true masters of deception!  We can justify just about anything with a little motivation from the drug.  I finally came to the realization that "when will it end" ......The answer scared the crap out of me.....I could not answer the question!  We cannot go on our entire lives living day to day while trying to ration our pills or plan around vacations or create new sources....At least I could not see myself doing it for my entire life.....Unfortunately the withdrawal process is neccessary and it reminds us how horrible relapse truly is.  I think that if you add some suppliments to your withdrawal process you will have a better time with the depression and some of the other side effects you are currently dealing with.  If you think you are depressed now....wait until you relapse and look yourself in the mirror and have to face the fact that you are again decieving your family, yourself, and will eventually have to go through the same withdrawals you are now....just worse!  That is a horrible feeling and I went through it many times.  We do not need a drug to get a job, we do not need a drug to mow the lawn, we do not need a drug to be a good husband or father!  We need sobriety so we can live in the now and remeber our experiences in life with a sober outlook instead of a drug induced fog.....Anyways, sorry for rambling and I apologize if I sound like I am talking from the height of a soap box.....I was kind of talking to myself as well there!  I wish you the best of luck and look into some multivitamins, fish oils, Glucosimine, Tyrosine, and I think that it will but your PAW'S experience in half!  It has worked for me and I am detoxing off of hydrocodone/Methadone.....Good luck and God bless!