Need to find courage

[LosingPete]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to update you all on my status. I haven't posted much lately because I relapsed and I've been feeling bad about that. Although I constantly reed this forum and have been trying to find the courage to let go of the pills again, but this time do it correct by cutting off my source the Dr. I had 10 days clean at the time of my relapse. The best thing was at day 5 or 6 I knew that I turned the corner and alot of the physical withdrawals were diminishing. Believe me I wasn't great but could see the light ahead. There were so many things I felt coming back to me that I had been missing while on oxy. So this is were I messed up, I didn't tell my Dr. that I was finished and wanted no more opiates. I then underestimated the mental part of the withdrawal process and on my 10th day drove to the doctors office like a maniac got refills and since have returned back to my old cr#p life of take a pill, feel ok for a hour, count the clock for 3 or 4 hours until you can take another, watching my family go out and do things while I just sit at home isolating myself once again. So anyway I am trying to find the courage to let the pills go again but this time notify my Dr. and pharmacy's. For anyone that is new 1st you can do it but PLEASE cut off your source of meds and don't underestimate the mental side of withdrawal after the physical. Just need courage to do it again and cut the lifeline of pills from the doc.
Thanks for all of the support and care here again.
Pete

[LosingPete]

You can do it Kell. I am halfing my pills at this time so I am taking it when I am used to, just half of the normal amount. I plan to go to 60mg this weekend and Monday letting go of them for good.

[LosingPete]

Hi, thanks Kleen
So yea currently I am down to 3 roxi 30s a day which is down from my max days of 240mg for 2 years until I did a 3 day quick taper and flushed em back on Moms day in back in May. When I look back now I must be honest and I believe somewhere in my brain being a addict I used not informing my Dr as a crutch which gave me comfort during the worst of the withdrawals.

[kellkell2184]

I appreciate this post a lot thank you for your helpful words even thought it was not aimed at me per say. Regardless Pete I am in the same boat you are. A part of me says to just go cold turkey but the other part that doesn't wanna feel pain and would rather be messed up says to keep using. There is a tiny piece inside that says wean off and it won't be so bad. I relapsed last night as a matter of fact. I took 18, 50 mg tramadol in a 24 hour period. I am wondering how much more will it take before my kidneys shut down or something equally as bad. Either way we have to be strong and push onward it is going to save our lives.

[IBKleen]

Hi Pete & Welcome back,

I am glad you found the courage to write. Listen, relapse is not a requirement but few people get clean without them. It happens and as long as you learn from your experience and take something forward with you then it is often not in vein. The mental side is what took many of us down and kept us using for many years. So many people tried to tell me about it but I didn't listen until I hit my bottom and then another and then another. Something clicked and although it has taken many years to get to where I am today, it was all worth it. I had to have blind faith and I had to listen to those who came before me and it was hard. But it did work for me.

Surely cutting off your supply is a step in the right direction. So, what are you down to now? Tapering? Refills left? Give us a little more information and we can guide you along and make suggestions.

Again, good to see you back and glad you posted. Hang in there--it does get better.