I have slipped for the past month :( Off again!

[dedicatedtostop]

Hey all,
That's so very painful for me to say. Long story short, I got pneumonia and the flu the day before Thanksgiving. At that time I had almost 3 weeks. A week after that, still recovering from being sick, I had my husband pick up my paper RX and it just sit here for a couple days. I got the bright idea that I could have my husband hold them and distribute them and that went great for an entire month, he gave me 1 every four hours sometimes I would only take 3 a day other days 4. I want to add that my best friend in the world lost her 16 year old son during this time as well. I am still helping her today in every way I can.
Back to the pills. I got my script for Dec and thought " I can do this without him holding them ".... Wrong!!! And deep down I knew it:( I got my Norco script on Nov 19 and took my last one yesterday. I so wanted to be clean by the new year, I have lost so much time I would have had. Again, I think my back hurts less of the pills.
So here I am, no pills in 24 hours. I honestly don't feel bad. Not sure if it's a fluke or if it's because I haven't been taking them that long, or if it's my mindset of how bad I want to end this once and for all! I feel lazy, and going to the bathroom a bit but other than that, I feel " okay ".... I am absolutely hating myself for thinking I could have done this. For the old timers here, is it a fluke I feel okay, will I wake up Tommorow in agony?! Regardless, it's New Year's Eve and Tommorow will be a new year, one without pain pills and that brings me satisfaction.
So sorry to those I let down! I am so so sorry!

[dedicatedtostop]

Don't be scared!! You can do this! Everything is tempory and no matter how bad you feel, you have to keep tellin yourself that! You got this! Post often!

[slneedshelp]

Don't be so hard on your self.I have taken pills for fifteen years norcos plus every anti depressive out there I've tried to quit but just can't seen to but today I will start cold turkey and I am so scared.

[dedicatedtostop]

I am trying so hard to let go of the shame, it just downright ***** though! I lost so much time and for that, I hate myself! I am working on my emotions every single day!

[dwhitti777]

Glad you are making progress and while I know you hate that you slipped...maybe something good is coming from it.

Let go of the shame though. Get mad or regret it if you want but no shame. That is a useless emotion.

[dedicatedtostop]

Thanks for the kind comment. Yes! I did my research and found 1 near my house. It isn't until Monday though. I am hanging in there, I will succeed this time! I WILL!!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl  there is no reason for shame  your a adddict and you do what adddicts do your used  Im not going to beet a dead horse  you know what you have to do   I always say it is not so much the drugs fing you up as much as the mind screw of failure shame and a broken spirit  to me that is the worst part  time to get up dust yourself off and move on  so I plan on asking you daily   did you google N/A meetings yet????  you know the drill  .......Gnarly

[dedicatedtostop]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I don't have many physical WD symptoms other then going to the bathroom and feeling extremely lazy. I don't want to be a slave to pills either!!! I absolutely hate it!!! That's why I can't seem to kick the guilt right now! I was there doing good:(... I will get back to where I was but right now I guess I need to be ashamed of myself..

[vshiav]

every day is a new day. Think that way.  If you falter, try again.  It happens.  we are so tired of being in pain that anything that helps we take.  I have been off meds and fentanyl patch now for almost three weeks.  I will not tell you its easy, it isn't.  But, I can not be a slave to my pills any more.  I would always run out and be miserable and then have to explain why I was short for the month.  The more you take the more you will need.  Now I am taking my vitamins, reading what others say here and take each minute, each hour, each day and when I go to bed, I am thankful I made it another day. Hang in there, you really are NOT alone!

[dedicatedtostop]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support! I am just beating myself up with shame and guilt right now:(

[ScarrieAnne]

Hey Girl, Oh how I have missed you! I knew something was up, but I didn't want to push you into telling me! Even the tone in your texts was different, but I knew you would come around! You didn't let us/me down, as stated above, you let yourself down, and Ive been there and know how you are feeling. It is time to pick yourself back up, try again, and do something different. We all fall down sometimes, we are all here for your support and you know you can txt or call me anytime! You can do this, if I counted the times I relapsed in the past, I would run out of fingers and toes, but those times I was not ready to be sober, and didn't have aftercare in place. I am rooting for you! We will talk very soon!
With Love, Carrie

[dominosarah]

I have been clean since 2008 and even now i couldnt have a script sitting anywhere.  I have so many plans in place i swear if i ever need surgery i will have to do it awake and with no meds!   When you finally surrender and figure out that you have NO control and that you are powerless over this this will continue to happen.  Gotta get real honest with yourself,  Please check into some form of aftercare.  Face those demons that are haunting you.  I promise that isnt near as painful as using is.

[Cricketk92]

Congrats on your decision to stop!!!!  Thats the best way to bring in the New Year!!!!  Hopefully you wont feel to bad this time and even if you do just keep remembering it will pass!!!  Listen to Gnarly about the aftercare!!!  Its the only thing that keeps people clean!  Im only 3 weeks in and have been going to meetings and its been great!  Hang in there and keep posting!!!  Happy New Year!!!

[dedicatedtostop]

Meant to say, living in the moment. Typo

[dedicatedtostop]

Thanks Gnarly! Again, all so very true!!! I will be looking into it right away! Right now, I am just living in the ment. I still don't feel terrible which is a blessing, will see how I feel in the a.m.
I will look for the appropriate after care right away.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl  sorry to here about your relapse  my question is what are you going to do different this time around ???  At one time I was a chronic relapser I thought I could do it alone and have always been know for strong will right?? Wrong  the only way to do this wrong is trying to do it alone...this is a '''we thing not a ''i'' thing and strong will would only keep me clean for  6mo tops the problem lye's with the fact your still a addict with  addictive behaviors with or without drugs  until you address the disease it will continue to come back...I have tryed most forms of aftercare  my pastor at my church  a substance abuse counselor even a shrink but none addressed the addiction it wasent till I hit the rooms of N/A that I finely started to treat the disease  ..today I know im a addict and will always be one it dioes not have to be a death sentence I live a very fofilling life drug free for over 5yrs now but it takes work  if you truly want to get free from active addiction try N/A...go to meetings get a sponcer and work the 12 steps if your honest with yourself you to can enjoy a amassing life drug free....I go to 4 meetings a week it keeps me grounded the program has helped me lose the very desire to be high any more  I cannot speak more highly of a progam  we have members with 20 even 30 yrs clean  im 52 now I used for 35yrs so I plan on not using for the next 35yr if God gives me the time  I never loose site that this is a daily progam  we all do this ''just for today''  that approach make it possible... every day we all wake up with the same decision...''am I going to use or stay clean today''.... today I made the right decision  with Gods help I will make it tomorrow also but again to work the program you just got to stay clean today it is less intimidating that way  Aftercare is not optional it is a critical part of recovery the program will let you be all you can be without limitations  we have people from all walks of life that threw the program have became lawyers nurses arkateces engineers you name it  when I used I did it every day  so 4 meeting a week is only 1/2 the time I use to use... if this program will work for a old dope fiend like me it will work for every body   so let your new years resolution be...I will find recovery...Google a N/a meeting in your area.....Gnarly

[dedicatedtostop]

Yes! This I know!

[jifmoc]

Change doctors.

And I would call the dr office back and say "No. I cannot have them. I'm an addict." Otherwise, guess what will happen...again?

[dedicatedtostop]

Actually, I called the Dr office and told them everything. They said " well it will be here in case you change your mind "....I just left it at that:(

[jifmoc]

You know this, you didn't let down anyone else but yourself. May I ask why you didn't cancel your script?