Off to the doctor, Time to get honest.

[Pat1956100]

I am so tired of doctoring myself.  I have managed to achieve feeling so sick, depressed and lots of anxiety so I guess it's time to listen to my doctor.
First time I am going not seeking opiates.  Hopefully I took my last today.
Had to take something just to get out of bed and be able to go to the doctor.
Day 1 will begin again tomorrow, no matter what.
Really, really sick and tired of all of this.
Rock bottom?  Yeah I think so.

[YesLife4Me]

Whoops...meant what did people do "about" depression and anxiety before modern medicine?    

[Pat1956100]

My mother is 86 and has lost her husband and 2 children.  It amazes me how well she has handled it.  She doesn't drink and never takes anything stronger than a tylenol.  Even after surgeries she hates any pain medication because it makes her sick to her stomach.
She really is my hero.  
I know she was in so much pain and still is from losing my brother and then my sister but she has never turned to anything for help.
She does have a very strong faith and I think that is what has gotten her through.
I on the other hand didn't handle my grief well.  I couldn't take the pain.
I have always been extremely emotional even when I was really young.
I just think I was born this way and I have to learn to handle life without drugs.  
I have to stop the opiates and then get off the effexor when I am ready.
The opiates are what have caused all my problems so I have to concentrate on that right now.  Anything more is too overwhelming

Vicki, I will be very careful with the ativan.  He was going to prescribe 1mg but I asked for .5.   I do not want another addiction and I am glad I have read so much on this forum or it could have happened.

[YesLife4Me]

Sounds like my Gramma.   She died last year at 94 years young from cancer.   She was very strong in her faith, lost her husband and one of her oldest daughter a few years prior to alcoholism.   I know they say it is a disease that runs in the family, and oh boy, does it run in my family!     I had a rough childhood too.  Always felt like something was wrong with me, not quite normal, even though people say I am very intelligent, pretty and have a lot going for me.   I still struggle to see what others see in me.  

You have the right mindset...one second, one minute, one day at a time.  That's all we really have anyhow.  :)

[vicki595]

You DO have so much insight Pat...you always have. Now, how are you going to "learn how to handle life without drugs"?  It requires a plan and a commitment for every, single day. It requires many personal changes and behaviour changes...AA, of course, is available to you and there are other groups and things you can do but you have to do something, just as I did...

I'm glad you're on the lower dose of Ativan and just reserving it for panic times...

[dominosarah]

Pat...When are you going to check into some type of counseling?  Putting down the meds is a start but we gotta get to the root of the problem.  You and i have some grieving to do.......

[Pat1956100]

Yes we do and I need some counseling.  I was thinking today about the drug addiction therapist that is available.  I checked it out before but freaked out when I found out that the first interview was in a group.
For some reason that doesn't scare me anymore.
I am thinking that would be a good start????
I hope you are letting out your grief sara and have people around you that support you and try to understand.
Remember it's okay to cry and feel the pain.  
I am going to try and take my own advice.