Oxy abuse - my story

[fordfanatic]

I started using recreationally in College about 3.5 years ago, during my sophomore year. Dose started off at half a 30mg pill. I would usually split it with somebody else. That habit went on casually for about a year or so. Towards the later years of undergrad, I started using a 30mg pill all to myself. Several of my friends developed nasty habits when being in school around them and selling them. They were basically always around. Surprisingly for me, my occasional use started to turn into more of a serious habit within the past year, after graduation. The stress of my graduate school program led me to the pills to relax and escape. I would go to my friends house on the weekends, and eventually started doing them every single week. At least 2 pills. This became normal. I then progressed into stopping by during the week as well to look for a nice relaxing mid-week break. Basically, you guys know that this is the point where I should have stopped. I must have started to use them to the point where when I was not doing them, I started feeling that lethargic, mentally tired and an overall "shot" feeling. As a result, I started doing them more and more, because I felt like they were "waking me up" and allowing me to do lots of my graduate school-work in the late hours of the night. It would have been impossible to stay awake without them at this point. I was doing maybe 90-120mg a night the past few months, at least 3 days of the week, and they days in between when I would skip I would feel really tired and completely wiped out from the beginning to the end of the day. I have been managing to keep afloat at work, since there is really not that much supervision and as long as you get your work done, nobody says anything. I finished my grad degree, and the only people that know I use are my friends at this point. Family, girlfriend and co-workers are unaware of the situation, although I have told my girlfriend over and over how I feel depressed, tired, weak. Obviously, I know why I feel the way I do, but I cannot get myself to tell her because I am afraid of admitting to this addiction. I know at this point, that is exactly what it is. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I tried to stop using two weeks ago, I managed to go 6 days without any pills and only one suboxone strip, and felt like I "earned" myself to use for just one more night. I ended up doing 4 30 mg pills that night, and then picked up and did another three the next night. Afterwards, the next day I was feeling good until I felt the withdrawals begin again. I picked up another sub strip to help get through this again, and at the end of today, it will be 5 days without any pills. I spoke to a mental health counselor yesterday, and told her everything I said here and more because I am committed to getting better. I also want to use these forums as another way of speaking my mind and talking with people who have dealt with this problem. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the whole story out. I do not want to deal with this addiction any more, and need to learn how to effectively deal with the voice of the "devil in my ear" telling me it is okay to do one more, that it'll make you feel better, have more energy, just one more night...

I'd love to hear from some people. Thank you.

[fordfanatic]

I have another session coming up with my psychologist on Tuesday. This will be my second time meeting with her. Do you think this is a good form of aftercare?

[jifmoc]

Ford- The cravings dissipate when you start aftercare. I never would have believed it myself but what "they" all say is true. The cravings, obsession do go away, when you work on what's underneath. Removing the drugs is just the beginning.

[fordfanatic]

You are right. I do not want to do undo the progress, but the more I go without it, the more my mind keeps telling me that I am okay to do one now. I know this is the addict in me saying that, but the thought of not using anymore scares me. And the thought of starting to use again scares me too. Such a hopeless feeling...

[Junip]

I am so glad you confided in your cousin, it is very important to tell someone close to you.  You have come so far, hang tough, keep busy and stay the course.  Post whenever you need to!  Just don't use..do not undo all of the progress you have made.

[fordfanatic]

Thank you for all the advice. I told my cousin, who is basically my best friend, the truth about what I have been up to. He knows that I messed around with oxy, but honestly had no idea the extent because I hid my drug use from almost everyone. He was surprised to hear what I had to say, but it felt good to get it out. I really wanted to use tonight, and still right now, want to. I really hope the urges slow down a little because I just want to get high. I can tell getting through this weekend is gonna be harder than I thought.

[Junip]

Great advice and true!  I love the "new playground" bit!