This is hopeless, 20 yr old oxycontin addict.

[NoOC123]

Ive been using oxycontin for a few years and tried many times to get sober but I always find myself back using oxycontin. It's like no matter what I do, I go back to it. I've been to rehab, i've done AA, I live a fairly normal life when I am sober, things go back to normal really fast for me and luckily I don't have a lot of wreckage to clean up. I work, go to school, have lots of friends, from the outside I look like a totally normal 20 year old girl, in fact most people trust me and find me really responsible upon meeting me, and that messes with my head. The last time I got sober I posted on here and I had almost five months and was doing really well. I was actually happy I didn't think i'd end up back on drugs. I was fully detoxed, I loved being able to wake up in the morning and not be dope sick, and one morning I woke up and im back on drugs. I can't even tell you how or why it happened. Now i'm snorting and smoking oxycontin every day, I spend so much money on it, couple hundred a day. My best friends don't even know. My family I live with doesn't know. Im living a lie, on the outside I look so put together, but on the inside i'm a trainwreck. I want to say "Im readdy to stop! Ill do anything" But i've said that before and I do everything and get sober and go through that horrible horrible detox and then I just go back to drugs. Im not like a depressed or angry person, I like life, I want to have a good life full of friends, family, children, travelling, good food, good memories, etc. but I get in my own way. I don't even understand myself, where does this addict inside me come from??? Why can't I stop even when i'm given the best oppurtunities and rehabs and AA and people who want to help me. Im still using drugs and dope sick every morning. I don't know if I can get back to where I was and even if i can ill probably just go back to using drugs again. So much money and time has been spent on me getting clean, rehabs, etc. and I just wreck it. Its pathetic. I woke up this morning sick in withdrawals and every morning i've been trying to get myself to stop and take suboxone and not OC but I always just go buy the drugs instead. I wake up sweating, sick, shaking, my body hurts, my head hurts, I can't do anything but go straight to a dealer and get those drugs so I can function. This morning I managed to take the suboxone so I have not used drugs today. My plan is to take the suboxone for like a week and then try to stop taking that, but i've been in this cycle the past few months where I use for a couple weeks and then stop and take suboxone for like a week and then when I stop instead of actually stopping, I get high right when the suboxone is out of my system. Im so mad at myself for getting back in this position. After my last rehab I felt so good, I was ready to go back to life school, work, family, etc and not have to base my life around when I can get drugs. I had a new excitement for life, and this last go around I made it to a place in sobriety I didnt even think was possible. Now it will take so long to get back there, if its even possible, and im trying to manage detoxing while still going to school and working. Its just terrible, im so mad at myself. I dont have any solution right now, I have no hope in myself or this process. AA doesnt work for me, rehabs dont work, i dont know why I always go back to drugs so then how can i ever stop if I dont even understand it in the first place. Its hopeless. Im hopeless.

[NoOC123]

Thanks for the comments. I am going to try again, i've been around and around in this cycle for a while, noone to blame but myself, and that's not me pitying myself, i genuinly take responsibility for this situation and im not making excuses or anything. I know what I have to do I just don't have that much faith that it will work. And yes I have worked the steps and had a sponsor. So I'll try again, thanks for the comments and advice.

[jeffro50]

I tried late last night to send you a message do not know if you got it.Thought I would post a comment.Baby you are not a hopeless oxycontin addict I know I am 51 yrs old and was given massive does of oxy in 2000 I did kick them after two years of hell.Oxy withdrawal is one of the worst physical withdrawal of any opiate.Prayer does help but it is hard to pray when you are in pain.I am disable and am always around to talk my email is ***@**** Peace and Love Sister! Jeff

[gnarly_1]

HI.....i  always feel for the ones that try what we suggest and still struggle....a very wise man on here often says....''when the desire to get clean exceeds the desire to get high you can get clean''...I noticed you said you attended A/A did you get a sponsor and work the 12 steps
going to the meetings is a start but most people that have had success work the 12 step program....you could try a substance abuse conslor I use one and it works for me when im in a bad way or getting there im off to a N/A meeting the real key here is to know this dosent go away you have to keep treating it you cant drop your guard for a second....God plays a big roll in my sobriety...Jesus came to set the captives free and you need to know your a new creature in Christ...please dont take this wrong im only trying to help you im not dissins on you this can be a tuff road to hoe your so young...my habit was almost as long as your age right now your fighting for your life dont give up your worth the fight and you dont have to live like this good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  

[steveies]

I see.  Well, I am no expert and don't want to tell you one way will work or one way is better then another.  Perhaps you are someone who needs long term suboxone use or someone who needs 1 on 1 help?  I think you need to see a therapist first who specializes in chemical dependency.  Do this on your own time, be honest with them, and see if this is for you.  I do not agree that there is a "one size fits all" formula or approach to addiction.  I do believe everyone is different and people need different approaches.  You are in my prayers.  Just give some thought to seeing someone who have never seen before, you have a lot to gain and little to lose by doing so.

[NoOC123]

My family and friends all know my past experiences with drugs and rehab they just believe now i've got it behind me. I have begun secretly using before and then eventually I come clean and they help me but it's like when I come to them it causes so much pain and they realize ive been lying and they do help me but then I go back to using, so I don't see how this time will be any different. They are done helping me, theyve said that before. This isnt there problem it is mine, I know what I need to do, you are all right when you say that, but the problem is, I don't think it will work anymore. I've done it all in the past, the rehab, the meetings everyday, the sponsor, the 12 steps, all the AA catch phrases, and so forth.

[Dav125]

Tell that mind of yours to tell the oxy bs to take a hike and don't come back..You know the deal..Its you or them..

[steveies]

A few things are for sure.  You know you have a problem, this is very good.  You want to fix this problem, also very good.  You are young and time is on your side, some of us are older and don't know where many years have gone!  You are hiding in plain sight, this is very bad.  If your family and friends are fooled into thinking everything is peaches and cream with you, then this is classic addict behavior.  You have become a very good liar about yourself.  I don't mean this in a negative way or to make it sound like you are a bad person because your not.  But for a long time I was a master liar with my entire family.  I could get anyone's pain pills out of them with some slick talk and fake back-ach.  My family knows now so the gig is up for me.  It's time to let the cat out of the bag, maybe that's part of the problem.

[Greatgreebo]

You know the drill: Nothing changes if nothing changes...............you are only as sick as your secrets.
You NEED to come clean with your family and everyone. The shame of this double life just reinforces your guilt and low self worth and that feeds so nicely into our addictive thinking.
You KNOW what you need to do. You know nothing is going to change unless you truly want this. You know, in your heart of hearts why you are using.....you know what you need tto do.........you know that the past is behind you and beating yourself up for what you used to be or what you had before you picked back up......it's all just an excuse to stay in your sickness.
It's not hopeless........you know that. You have to decide to change this. Where will your bottom be? An OD? Jail? Health problems? Lose of Family? .....you won't quit until you finally hit your bottom. You are definately in a self loathing place right now and you need to understand it's the drugs doing this. Your outward appearance isn't you....it's who you want everyone to think you are.
Drop the act and come clean with your family. Stop the lies, stop the double life and get yourself into counseling. You need someone to talk to that can help you be honest. We both know a pity party isn't going to change anything but you sound strong and I believe you can do this....so please just do it.

You can do this.
Stay strong and keep posting.
Greatgreebo

[justneedtotalk]

Relax.....You are in the right place.  I am not going to lie....it is going to be tough for you to remain sober for long periods of time.  You are at that age where most everyone around you has some form of addiction or another.....the addiction just hasn't manifested long enough yet....If you do not jump off of this mary-go-round.....You will one day wake up 37 years old wondering where your life went.....Where those dreams of school, friends, and family are gone.  That is what you face if you continue down this path.....There is no long term life on pills....Once you evolve past toxic levels of your favorite drug, you move on to other stuff.....You have a chance to use all of that information you got at your treatment facility and AA....This stuff works, you just have to make a mental commitement and decision that you choose life with real meaning and structure or a long life of fighting the addiction to pills.....I too got tired of the dopesickness.....I got tired of trying to hide my addiction.....I was tired of meeting my so called "buddies" at places that were not as safe....I am over a month sober now off of a horrible opiate addiction.....I even moved up to methadone......Let me tell you, there is no worse hell than methadone withdrawal.....I think you know what you have to do and you literally have to treat this addiction like cancer....You have to take sobriety seriously and make it work for you....You have done it before and you can do it again....Jump, jump now.....tell your family and trusted friends...Get it out in the open so they can hold you accountable....Some of us habitual relapsers need that structure.....Good luck and God bless!

[GACarol]

it does sound like you have done a lot to combat this addiction but i didn't see where you got one on one counseling. Maybe you need to really sit down with someone on a regular basis like several times a week and keep this in front of you. Try and understand the reasons you use and even when life is good you go back to it. I beleive you need a connection with someone that has a back ground in addiction. Have you done this already and not mentioned it?