Please Help - I just can't do it

[LostAllHopde]

I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day).  This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.

Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career.  I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children.  I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more.  Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.

My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously.  To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect.  One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc.  Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free.  I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain.  He said no.  Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient.  So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried.  But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out.  I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care.  Which I did.  I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications.  And I lied.  I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me.  But guess what?  He knew.  And he confronted me about it.  He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics.  He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office.  Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient.  I have never, ever felt so humiliated.

I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should.  I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday.  The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had.  I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping.  I have felxerall  I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.

I simply can't do this.  I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself.  No one knows about my addiction. No one.  I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani

[Ladybug9705]

I can relate to your story. I am 34 years old and have a beautiful family, nice car, good job, etc. No one would ever think I have been strung out on lortab for the past 6 years. This is my third attempt at quitting and it will be last. My husband thinks I have been clean since the week before Christmas. I have not told him the truth yet but I plan on it soon as the time is right. I am almost 43 hours clean off 12-15 lortab a day. Do I feel like crap? Of course I do!! But I am managing to work today and it is keeping my mind off of the withdrawls some. Every free minute I have I spend it here reading posts. There are so many people out there just like me. I can not look back. I have to keep pushing forward with this. If I take a pill the past 43 hours were hell for no reason. I want "me" back and I know that will take time and I am trying to be patient. You can do this! Stay strong and read  and reread post on here. It really does help.

[LostAllHopde]

Thann\k you, Bama for responding.  I thought about your question and realize I do not want to detox just until I get my next script - I want rid of this once and for all.  I would love nothing more than to call my doc, make the appointment and walk out of his office with whatever he is willing to prescribe for me - but this is madness and has to stop.  I am not the same person I used to be, I have lost myself somewhere along the way - it's like what Robert Downey, Jr. said "I know I have a gun in my mouth, but I like the taste of the metal" (to paraphrase).  I love how the medication makes me feel - like I can conquer anything.  Off it, I am foul tempered and in a really, really bitchy mood (oh and I do mean bitchy).  I have no energy, and my mind keeps telling me "well, you idiot - you wouldn't feel this way if you just took another pill".  But I can't even kick my own butt right now - I understand the "one day at a time" approach - but for me, it's taking one minute at a time and praying I can make it to the next...

[fedup23]

I've been using hydrocodone for over three years.My Wife and Kids doesn't know I'm on day three now and feel horrible I feel like a zombie no motivation what so ever,depression,not sleeping ect....I'm scared to tell my Wife what I'm going thru.It all started at my job I was a technician for a cable company for about 6 years layed off a year ago and when I lost my job i stared taking 6 to 8 pills a day.This is my fourth time detoxing from this demon and during the detoxing I told my wife i'm just very sick again.I think I'll tell her tonight but afraid of being judged.......Just want my life back and to be happy.  

[LostAllHopde]

Thank you, everyone.  You are all amazing.  No, I have absolutely no one else to confide in - so you guys are it, I'm afraid.  I went and purchased some of the ingredients for the Thomas Recipe, all but the multi-vitamin because I ended up throwing it up.  I am constantly reading and re-reading ll of your posts, and I find it giving me some strength - now, if only I could muzzle (strangle??) the little voice inside my head that keeps wanting to sabotage my efforts, all would be good.  I am looking at my prescription bottle and it was filled on 01/05/12 - and I have 1/2 a pill left.  Does this mean I am doing good getting off the meds?  Or am I deluding myself?  I have not called my regular doc, and I really don't want to.  I see the half a pill sitting in the bottle, winking at me, and I want to slap it's blue little face (told you - my mind....)  I read someone's post that simply said "don't use, no matter what".  I am reciting this, like a mantra, to myself over and over and over.

Your support is unbelievable, given you don't know me but have welcomed strangers with love, acceptance but most importantly, understanding.

I have no energy, but will try to get out of the sweats and take the dogs for a walk - maybe that will take my mind off of other things....
Thank you, again, for being here for me.

[IBKleen]

It's not original by any means but I say "don't use no matter what" all the time. You are stronger than you think hun and all you have to do is stay clean one minute at a time, one hour at a time and that will lead to one day at a time. The time will go by slow during the physical detox stage but after a while it will fly by. I promise you it does get better. So just give it time and stick with it and oh yeah.....

Don't use no matter what.....

[selfinduced]

I am probably the enabler of the group, but I think your 2nd Dr. could have handled your situation a little gentler. None of us chose to get addicted to these demons, it just the nature of the beast. In any case, you will later respect him for his bluntness and helping you to realize your dependancy. Keep your anxiety in check, you won't die from these w/d's. Stay in the warm tub as much as possible.Take advil for any rebound headaches, drink lots of fluids (warm sleepy time tea is helpful). Call your original Dr. if it gets too bad. Tell him what happened and see if he will advise you on a plan "B". So sorry you are going thru this. We all have a similar story......trust me! xx