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Please Help - I just can't do it
I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day). This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
Hello and welcome... Your story is like mine. I too started with loratabs then percasets then moved to oxycontin. I also went thru a knee replacement and had some issues..but i developed an addiction along the way. Its a crazy thing with pain and pain pills. Alot of us started out taking them responsibly then as we progressed in our addiction we got out of control. Anyways i wanted to reach out to you and let you know your not alone. There are 1000s of people with your problem including me. I am now 59 days free of my once beloved oxycontin. Its hard to admitt you have a problem. But don't you feel better getting it off your chest? Its scarey to think about life after pills. Believe me i know. I am proud of you coming forward with your story and you've found the right place for help. I want to ask you a couple of questions for you to think about. Are you willing and want to stop for good? Or are you just waiting for your next script? The reson i ask is I've done it both ways. The waiting for a refill and now i wanted off. I am so sorry to hear about your back pain. Grrr. And also about the doctors visit. Grrr. But you can claim your life back. Its not fun going thru withdrawls. Believe me i know. I know all about the withdrawal. Sick and yucky aren't they? Anyways just wanted to let you know your not alone.... Hugs and support bama
Oh and either way get everything you can for the Thomas recipe. It really helps take the edge off withdrawls. It dosent matter if your detoxing until the next script or want off completely. It will help in the now of things if ya know what i mean. I started off on loratabs.. Used to take the 20 a day then graduated to the oxycontin train. I lovingly encourage you to stop while your ahead so to speak. Cause the pills just get worst and worst along the way. If ya have any questions just ask me. Im here to help
Hello and welcome...bama is correct. Stopping is the right thing to do, even if there is a possibility of meds in your future. I was taking about half the amount you were - 8 to 10 Norco 10s a day - and eventually had to admit to myself (although I had known for months) that I was an addict. I did a cold turkey withdrawal 14 days ago, and went through 3 days of hell, BUT, it was a blessing. At least for me, it had to be hell or I'd forget. I've been abusing pain meds for well over ten years, have detoxed, but never experienced anything like the one I've just gone through. Anyway, read these posts, use the Vitamins, OTC sleep aids, drink lots of liquid, and hold on. Vitamin B12 seemed to help me more than the others. The vitamins, etc., are meant to help your body and your mind deal with the withdrawals, but they won't lessen what you have to go through. Finally, really look at who you can talk to. Your husband? A friend? I told my wife and kids (the youngest is 16); I told the friend that I used to steal meds from; I told my doc and asked him to red flag my file as an abuser/addict. I put up roadblocks wherever I could just in case I forgot what I went through. Please hang in there; it does get better. Count the seconds, count the minutes, whatever it takes to get you through.
Please know that you're not alone, and this does not make you a bad person. I'm @ Day 23 off of a several year Hydrocodone habit. I loved those pills, I know what u mean about it being "a perfect day" when u had a new bottle of pills in your hand. Everything's great, nothing can bring u down! That's how I felt too. I started tapering about 1 week before Christmas and took my last Norco Christmas Eve. It was hard physically and still is mentally, but I promise u it gets better! Being clear headed and not in a constant fog, not having to be counting my pills and worrying when I can get my next refill, it's exhilerating. Most importantly, I am here for my kids 100%, not just half. You can do this, this is a great forum with so many wise caring people. Start the Thomas recipe, post as much as u need to, read these posts, tell someone close to you, get aftercare. You'll be ok and so glad you stopped this love/hate relationship with opiates. I will pray for you! :)
Welcome to the forum. My experience was somewhat similar in that my pharmacy called my doctor's office. He is a family friend, however, he spoke very frankly and very sternly to me. He ended up helping me taper down from my habit on lortab elixer and it took me three weeks to feel like myself again. That was during the summer and I was off of work. When I went back to work, I ended up going to pain doctor. We tried lots of things but I ended up convincing him to give me my drug of choice, hydrocodone, in the form of Norco, 10/325. I too was getting a scrip for 180 a month. Before long I was going through withdrawals every month and looking for pills in my closet. This happened three years after the first time I detoxed, and by now I've been put on low dose methadone in addition to the Norco. We are all in the same boat. We all, however, (read through the forum the last day or two) have decided we have had it with this lifestyle at varying points in our journey. Some have quit with a stern warning from their doctor, while others have had severe legal consequences for their habit, and others have lost family and friends over it. I know you are humiliated by what has happened and I totally understand it. But use the humiliation and turn it into something good for you. Quit for good, before the consequences are worse than being horribly sick for a while. Because if reading these posts had done nothing else for me (and they've done a lot) they helped me see where I was going and where I could end up. Stay here....read....get help from these loving people. Get help where you live if you can. Be strong for your kids and get through this now!
I can relate to your story. I am 34 years old and have a beautiful family, nice car, good job, etc. No one would ever think I have been strung out on lortab for the past 6 years. This is my third attempt at quitting and it will be last. My husband thinks I have been clean since the week before Christmas. I have not told him the truth yet but I plan on it soon as the time is right. I am almost 43 hours clean off 12-15 lortab a day. Do I feel like crap? Of course I do!! But I am managing to work today and it is keeping my mind off of the withdrawls some. Every free minute I have I spend it here reading posts. There are so many people out there just like me. I can not look back. I have to keep pushing forward with this. If I take a pill the past 43 hours were hell for no reason. I want "me" back and I know that will take time and I am trying to be patient. You can do this! Stay strong and read and reread post on here. It really does help.
Thann\k you, Bama for responding. I thought about your question and realize I do not want to detox just until I get my next script - I want rid of this once and for all. I would love nothing more than to call my doc, make the appointment and walk out of his office with whatever he is willing to prescribe for me - but this is madness and has to stop. I am not the same person I used to be, I have lost myself somewhere along the way - it's like what Robert Downey, Jr. said "I know I have a gun in my mouth, but I like the taste of the metal" (to paraphrase). I love how the medication makes me feel - like I can conquer anything. Off it, I am foul tempered and in a really, really bitchy mood (oh and I do mean bitchy). I have no energy, and my mind keeps telling me "well, you idiot - you wouldn't feel this way if you just took another pill". But I can't even kick my own butt right now - I understand the "one day at a time" approach - but for me, it's taking one minute at a time and praying I can make it to the next...
I've been using hydrocodone for over three years.My Wife and Kids doesn't know I'm on day three now and feel horrible I feel like a zombie no motivation what so ever,depression,not sleeping ect....I'm scared to tell my Wife what I'm going thru.It all started at my job I was a technician for a cable company for about 6 years layed off a year ago and when I lost my job i stared taking 6 to 8 pills a day.This is my fourth time detoxing from this demon and during the detoxing I told my wife i'm just very sick again.I think I'll tell her tonight but afraid of being judged.......Just want my life back and to be happy.
Thank you, everyone. You are all amazing. No, I have absolutely no one else to confide in - so you guys are it, I'm afraid. I went and purchased some of the ingredients for the Thomas Recipe, all but the multi-vitamin because I ended up throwing it up. I am constantly reading and re-reading ll of your posts, and I find it giving me some strength - now, if only I could muzzle (strangle??) the little voice inside my head that keeps wanting to sabotage my efforts, all would be good. I am looking at my prescription bottle and it was filled on 01/05/12 - and I have 1/2 a pill left. Does this mean I am doing good getting off the meds? Or am I deluding myself? I have not called my regular doc, and I really don't want to. I see the half a pill sitting in the bottle, winking at me, and I want to slap it's blue little face (told you - my mind....) I read someone's post that simply said "don't use, no matter what". I am reciting this, like a mantra, to myself over and over and over.
Your support is unbelievable, given you don't know me but have welcomed strangers with love, acceptance but most importantly, understanding.
I have no energy, but will try to get out of the sweats and take the dogs for a walk - maybe that will take my mind off of other things....
Thank you, again, for being here for me.
Your support is unbelievable, given you don't know me but have welcomed strangers with love, acceptance but most importantly, understanding.
I have no energy, but will try to get out of the sweats and take the dogs for a walk - maybe that will take my mind off of other things....
Thank you, again, for being here for me.
It's not original by any means but I say "don't use no matter what" all the time. You are stronger than you think hun and all you have to do is stay clean one minute at a time, one hour at a time and that will lead to one day at a time. The time will go by slow during the physical detox stage but after a while it will fly by. I promise you it does get better. So just give it time and stick with it and oh yeah.....
Don't use no matter what.....
Don't use no matter what.....
I am probably the enabler of the group, but I think your 2nd Dr. could have handled your situation a little gentler. None of us chose to get addicted to these demons, it just the nature of the beast. In any case, you will later respect him for his bluntness and helping you to realize your dependancy. Keep your anxiety in check, you won't die from these w/d's. Stay in the warm tub as much as possible.Take advil for any rebound headaches, drink lots of fluids (warm sleepy time tea is helpful). Call your original Dr. if it gets too bad. Tell him what happened and see if he will advise you on a plan "B". So sorry you are going thru this. We all have a similar story......trust me! xx
Hi! I'm glad u found this place...I found it yesterday morning. I want u to know that u & I are gonna go thru this hell together & well will make it! I took my last pill this morning at 8 am. I have been taking 80 mg of oxycontin plus 8-10 norcos a day. I was just like u...constantly running out of my pills in 10-15 days instead of a month...excited/relieved every time I picked up a refill. 2 days ago I took my last oxy. My orginal plan was to taper off the norco. Yesterday I took 4 norco. The day b4 I took 7. The previous day, 9. I found this site & bc of it I only took one today & decided I'm going cold turkey bc I've been having withdrawals for a day and a half anyway, so I might as well just stop & speed this madness up. Let's do this together, u & me, we will make it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome~~
If you continue to use you will die, that is a given with this addiction. If you chose to recover you will find that person again and she will be even better than before, that is a guarantee. I know what you are going thru and i am here to tell you that you can do this. You are stronger than you know. Take back your control, dont let this addiction rule you any longer. You have been a prisoner long enough.
And as IBK said, Dont use, no matter what.
If you continue to use you will die, that is a given with this addiction. If you chose to recover you will find that person again and she will be even better than before, that is a guarantee. I know what you are going thru and i am here to tell you that you can do this. You are stronger than you know. Take back your control, dont let this addiction rule you any longer. You have been a prisoner long enough.
And as IBK said, Dont use, no matter what.
So I woke up from a nap that lasted almost 2 hours, cold, shivering and the feel of "spiders" crawling all over my legs. I have a cough that won't quit and all I can think about is pills. I am determined not to let this get to me, but to say it's difficult, is an understatement. I want to fall into a coma and wake up symptom - and drug - free. I have 10 xanax leftover that I use for when I fly, and am thinking maybe if I put myself into a self-induced stupor for a day or two, things might get better. Xanax puts me out, which is why I use them whenever I have to board a plane (long story) and no, I have never abused this medication...surprisingly.
The threat of dying or doing this for my kids does not work for me, unfortunately. It does not scare me - selfish, I know, but that's how strong a grip these pills have over me. Who cares if I die? The kids will find a new step-mother and the rest of my family would get over it soon enough. I want and need to do this for myself and no one else. A guy I dated many, many years ago told me he left his girlfriend for me - the relationship was, inevitably, doomed. He kept reminding me - and I kept telling him if he wanted to leave her, he should have left her - and not for, because of, or despite anyone else. We broke up a few months later and he went back his old girlfriend - who, in turn, left him for someone else.
So yeah - I have to do this for me. Not my kids, family, society or anything - just me. And I don't think I am strong enough yet to see the light at the end of this vicious tunnel.
The threat of dying or doing this for my kids does not work for me, unfortunately. It does not scare me - selfish, I know, but that's how strong a grip these pills have over me. Who cares if I die? The kids will find a new step-mother and the rest of my family would get over it soon enough. I want and need to do this for myself and no one else. A guy I dated many, many years ago told me he left his girlfriend for me - the relationship was, inevitably, doomed. He kept reminding me - and I kept telling him if he wanted to leave her, he should have left her - and not for, because of, or despite anyone else. We broke up a few months later and he went back his old girlfriend - who, in turn, left him for someone else.
So yeah - I have to do this for me. Not my kids, family, society or anything - just me. And I don't think I am strong enough yet to see the light at the end of this vicious tunnel.
Don't give up. I know your frustration, really do. Just take it day by day. You can't do this forever right? Think of the mental and physical battle you are facing now. That only gets worse with each detox. Your on your way. I have to say I thought of child birth when the anxiety hit and just hung on knowing it would end. I promise it will. Stay strong and keep posting. xx
Hi there and welcome. We've been in your shoes. I agree with Bama-try the Thomas Recipie. You can use the Xanax in place of the valium as both are benzos,I beleive. But I also agree with the others-quit now while you're into the w/d's. Otherwise,you will have to start this process all over again. And yes, you CAN do this!!! The first few days are the worst for sure,but there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Try using the addiction tracker which tracks your feelings,bnoth physical and emotional which can really help you while recovering. You CAn make it through this; stay strong!! Here to help anytime...A
Thank you for your encouraging words - and congratulations on your amazing 23 days - god, that seems like an eternity for me. I have great admiration for you - and thank you for sharing your story. Your posts, as do others, give me hope that it can be done. I know I come across as whiny and weak, and there is no excuse - but I thank everyone for allowing me to vent.
Well, I did it. I went online and found the next NA meeting near me. God does have a sense of humor - I have not been to church in quite a while - and the meeting is held....at a church. I have never been to any type of meeting other than business, so I am a little apprehensive, to say the least. But right now, I am willing to try just about anything.... so yeah, in 1 hr and 30 mins, I will be going to church...
I'm coming to check on you. My withdrawals r getting pretty intense. Every time I want to give up, I remind myself why I'm doing this in the first place. Trust me, I feel like I'm literally dying/going insane. I WISH I had a xanax to help chill me out! We gotta do this. I'm rooting for us.
Hi there...
Hope you are feeling a little less lost and a lot more hopeful....You have been given excellent advice above and I can see you're following it....Good for you for going to a meeting. And you are right-you have to do this for yourself...To save yourself...So that you KNOW you can save yourself. You are the only person that can...It takes patience and a lot of self-love and compassion...We have to re-learn coping skills and sometimes it takes time....As said above, take it moment by moment You are going to be amazed by the woman who emerges...You will start seeing glimpses of her soon...Maybe you already have-hang on to that....Just hang on....Lu
Hope you are feeling a little less lost and a lot more hopeful....You have been given excellent advice above and I can see you're following it....Good for you for going to a meeting. And you are right-you have to do this for yourself...To save yourself...So that you KNOW you can save yourself. You are the only person that can...It takes patience and a lot of self-love and compassion...We have to re-learn coping skills and sometimes it takes time....As said above, take it moment by moment You are going to be amazed by the woman who emerges...You will start seeing glimpses of her soon...Maybe you already have-hang on to that....Just hang on....Lu
HI, I am a 43 mother of Abigail that is detoxing from Opana ER. I think everyone has said everything I can, and more beneficial posts. I am on a drug that is not known by many people. We start school tomorrow. I will be getting my life together (as much as I can) before a big drop in my taper.
My husband has really helped me to get to the place I am not--in my taper. I count my many blessings daily-- our health, MedHelp. I am so glad we are on this journey together. Take good care and God bless, Marie
My husband has really helped me to get to the place I am not--in my taper. I count my many blessings daily-- our health, MedHelp. I am so glad we are on this journey together. Take good care and God bless, Marie
I have been reading your story, and I feel so much for you and what you are going through. I wanted to tell you how much I can relate to you. I also am 43 yr. female and I am also unable to tell my husband, family. I have been glued to this forum many times a day since I found it about 4 days ago. I finally feel like I can talk about this ordeal and what I am going through. thank god I found it. Everyone on here is so knowledgable, so commited to help and totally know what it's like. I commend you on your journey I know the feeling I used to get to when I picked up my monthly prescription for pain meds. back years ago when I got a script every month. After my doctor moved I pretty much had to turn to going out and makin contacts and finding my pills however I could get them and yes I knew I shouldn't be spending my hard earned bucks on this and keeping the big secret from everyone and spending every waking minute thinking of how many i had how many i could get, where, when. jeez a heck of a way to spend every day and somehow managing 2 jobs just to get the money. I joined a methadone clinic over 3 yrs. ago and I thought it was the answer to my prayers it is an hour away I don't have to tell anyone, just sneak up there, the lies oh the lies i have told to hide my substance abuse. But now I am trying to taper down off of that. so hold on girl keep going strong you are on the right road you are on your way. I just want to pray you will keep on your journey to recovery. It's just no way to live.... i will be thinking of you
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