Please Help Me

[Scaredandalone1981]

First of all, I am so glad that I found this site for support. I hate that everyone here has/is going through something so awful but at the same time I get comfort knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. I have been on Hydrocodone for right at 4 years now and I know I have a problem. I started out taking them only as prescribed for my migraine headaches. After a few months I wasn't only taking them for headaches, but I'd catch myself taking them just because they were there and I knew they'd make me feel good. You should also know that I just recently (within the past month) broke my 7 year addiction to Xanax. It was harder than I couldv'e ever imagined but I knew it was time to stop taking them. I was prescribed 1mg tablets and was supposed to take them 3 times daily for my nerves. I never really abused the Xanax by taking more than prescribed, but if I didn't take it on time, I had horrible panick attacks and withdrawal which is what made me see that I had a problem and needed to stop taking them. I stopped cold turkey. Withdrawal lasted a few days, maybe a week. It wasn't easy by any means but now that those are gone, I'm half way done with my battle! I still get the script for my Hydrocodone once monthly (only one refill left though) and honestly, I take them way too frequently (1 of the 10/500 every 2-4 hours throughout the day/evening while I'm awake) my refill isn't due for a week and I'm having major withdrawal. I guess I am just on here looking for support and people that can relate to what I'm going through. Does anyone have any recommendations on what I can do to get through this without relapsing? I do not want to take other meds to break this addiction. I want to be totally clean! God I am so scared. I never thought this would happen to me. I'm so ashamed that I can barely look at my son or husband. I'm only 12 hours clean right now, and honestly, if I had some here I know I'd take one just to stop the withdrawal. If you all could just give me some encouraging words, anything really would be wonderful and greatly appreciated. I hope and pray that I can stay clean and that in a week when I can get my refill, I have the strength to call the pharmacy, have it voided out, and never look back!!!

[kellster]

i no what you are going threw  i stoped takeing my percacet yesturday at 6:00 am it
has been 26 hours and it is not easy i have them but locked in a safe where my husband
is the only one that can get in to it if i could i would scratch the dam thing open(ha ha)
i quit on my own for i to feel guilty as hell. i take them for my back but am trying to get
off and try some nonnarcotic pills i have been on them for 13 months i feel so bad right now i hope that you do not get your script refilled everyone on here says it takes about a week until you feel better and if you don't get your script till then you will have won most
of the battle mentel thing i herd takes longer. don't look back that is what i keep telling
myself take alot of hot bathes and post post post if it helps we can do this we are both
doing it together think of that you are not alone and you are not a bad peerson life will
get better and one day we can look back and be proud of ourselves for not takeing pills
to get threw the day lots of luck and remember your not alone.your in my prayers.

[andie15]

I just want you to know that you are not alone by any means.  Your story is my story almost exactly.  I started taking the same pills 9 years ago for migraines and after the second time taking the pills I knew I had a problem.  For the past year I have been taking 15-30 a day of any kind and strength that I could get my hands on.  I am on day 5 now, which is not long, but every day I feel better and better about myself and knowing that I am not spending my family's money for bills and food on doctors and pills..  I know all about being so ashamed that you can't even look at yourself in the mirror, let alone your family, just knowing what you are doing.  It's a terrible feeling, but just know that you are not the only one feeling it.  Many here know that shame and you have come to the right place to help you with that.  I never imagined that I could make it 5 days without any chemical and believe me, if I can do it, you can too.  I know you don't know me, but you have to please trust me and the others here, IT CAN BE DONE AND YOU CAN DO IT.:)  You just have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time, that's what it will feel like at first, but I promise it gets better.  I know this might mean more coming from someone who has been clean longer, but I'm just trying to show you that you can be positive at any stage of the recovery process.  Good Luck to you and remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Trust me, you're not.

[scaredmom330]

OK girls... I have migraines due to a birth defect...has your Dr tried preventive drugs? topamax or anything like that? how about ibuprofen 600 , imitrex, if the pills don't work, you can give yourself shots... I know, but I've done it... none of them are narcotics but stronger than normal ibuprofen, you need a script but they work... cant say I don't take a narcotic because I have to take  morphine and funny I don't abuse it am a member here because of my son's addiction to soma's...hope this helped...keep up the fight, keep posting and stay in touch


Karen

[Scaredandalone1981]

Thank you all so much. This has been the longest 14 hours of my life! I didn't sleep at all last night because I was awake throwing up with a migraine. I know it's just from not taking the pills. I keep hearing this voice in my head telling me "You have to find some, you can't do this, look at how miserable you are, it would be so much easier just to take the pills." I won't lie. I am on the verge of a major panick attack. I am sitting here telling myself "14 hours have passed, don't look back, keep looking forward" but it SO much harder than I thought it would be. Usually by this point, my "symptoms" have gotten the better of me and I've found and taken something. I have been so sick since like 4 this morning that I have had the dry heaves. I am sipping water now so I don't get dehydrated. So much of this is in my head. I think I have to have the pills to function. The crazy thing is, my body is so used to them, that they don't relieve my headaches most of the time, I don't get a "buzz" or relaxed feeling anymore. They do NOTHING for me except prevent withdrawal from themselves...I feel so guilty. My son heard me up this morning throwing up and when I laid back down, he hugged me and said "Mommys sick." God how did I ever let it get like this? How could I have let myself get addicted? I don't want anyone, especially my child to see me like this. I pray I have the strength to get through this. Deep down I know I do, I just have to encourage myself to get/stay clean and keep coming here for support...Does anyone know how long the nausea/vomiting lasts? I am looking for every grain of hope I can at this point. Knowing at what point things should start looking up will help me pass the hours....  

[andie15]

This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but unfortunately, you are the only one who can do it.  I used to look for inspiration in songs and on tv, just waiting for someone to say something that would inspire me enough to stop, but that never happened.  You can't wait for anyone else to help you, IT'S UP TO YOU.  I know that sounds impossible now, but just look at your son.  I know you want to be better for him as well as yourself.  I know I have been nasty to my two daughters on occasion when I didn't have pills, or I was running low, and I always felt terrible.  I was dragging them to the doctors with me constantly and I was always ashamed to tell them where we were going, and they always guessed it was to the doctors before we even got there.  My daughters are 3 and 4.  How pathetic is that? Please don't feel like you are the only one guilty of affecting your child, you're not, I'm right there with you and it hurts alot.  I don't know if this will help you at all, but I have just kept repeating to myself that, "I want to be the good person I know I am, for myself and my family"  Just think how great you will feel when you know you have nothing to hide from anyone and you can wake up everyday feeling better about your life.  I hope I am helping you a little, I will watch all day for your posts, it really sounds like you need someone right now, let me know.

[Scaredandalone1981]

You are helping me more than you'll ever know! I'm so glad that I found this place. There's no one I can talk to about this except the people on here. My husband knows I have a problem, but he is no help. He just looks at me with disgust and disappointment because of my addiction. When my withdrawal started late last night, all he told me was to sit down and relax, that it was clearly w/d and there's no one to blame for my problem but me. I mean, he is right, it is my fault that I got this bad, but I need his support to help me through. With or without his support, I will do this and I will show him and myself that I can rise above this. It's just so hard when you feel so bad physically and mentally and you know exactly what you need/can do to make yourself feel better.

[andie15]

My husband has always been very forgiving of my problem and I have just realized how lucky I am for that but as far as he knows, I have been clean for the past 4 months now.  I could not let him know that I slipped, I could not disappoint him again and around that time we was starting to get annoyed with me about it and when I asked him advise about it his response was "I don't know what you should do, I just want this to be over with". I knew then that I had to do this by myself and for myself.  So essentially I am too going through this with only this forum to help me, but it is helping me, just keep typing, as long as you need to to get out whatever you need to say and what you are feeling, it really helps.  I don't know if you listen to music at all but that helps to take your mind off of it.  It is so easy to get those pills, but hard as hell to get your life back, what is more worth it?  You know the answer to that, just like I do, now you have to take control and it can be done, you will see that hours turn into days and sooner than you know you will feel better, I promise.  These are the things that I have been saying to myself for years now and I have never listened to myself until now and you know what? I WAS RIGHT!  It's such a release.  Just remember this, It's incredibly easy to slip downhill, it's much harder to climb back up"  Just start climbing, you can do it, I promise.

[Scaredandalone1981]

I just wrote down what you said on a piece of paper and stuck it in a place where I knew I'd see it all throughout the day to give me strength and encouragement. I love that...It's incredibly easy to slip downhill, it's much harder to climb back up!" That is SO true. Wow. Almost 16 hours clean now! It doesn't seem like long, but to an addict that has been awake all night throwing up from withdrawal, it is 16 hours to be proud of!!!

[andie15]

That's something to be really proud of.  Now think back to hour one, I bet you didn't think that you would make it this far and in another 8 hours, you have one full day and that's awesome.  Like i said, keep typing all day if you have to, just immerse yourself in something to take your mind off of it.  You might feel awful physically and mentally as well (doesn't sound too encouraging, I know :)) but that's the truth, no need to sugar coat it, but in the back of your mind you will have some solace that you are doing the right thing and that's what gets bigger and takes over your mind more than "I need a pill" .  YOU DON'T NEED A PILL.  Just keep thinking that. You don't. I promise you will start very soon to feel mentally better with every passing hour and then day you don't take a pill. It makes the physical side of it easier to tolerate because you know that you have to suffer to get what you want.  It's not easy at all but Its an awesome feeling and I want you to get to the point where you feel that too, it will come quicker than you know.

[Scaredandalone1981]

I'm still here...And about every 5 minutes I have to snap myself out of it before I pick up the phone to start the hunt to find a fix. 16 hours 20 minutes! Every half hour helps. It gets me closer to the 24 hour mark and that is my first goal. Starting with 24 hours, then 36, then 48, and so on and so on. I took a Gingeroot capsule and 2 Benadryl to see if that would help with the nauseousness a little. No more Benadryl though. I don't want to fix one problem by starting another. The Gingeroot is natural though and I pray it helps. My husband gets home around 5:00pm and I plan on telling him about my attempt at being clean. I'm sure he'll laugh it off or make a wise crack like yeah right sure you won't take anymore, but I will feel better once I tell him. And when I succeed, I will be able to tell him that I was right and I knew I could do this if I put my mind to it! I just keep looking at my 3 year old for strength. It's amazing how someone so small, without saying a word, can give you such strength and encouragement!

[andie15]

Don't pick up that phone, you will respect yourself so much for it, I can't tell you  how good that one thing will make you feel.  And I wanted to say, I don't mean to be preachy, I am just trying to think of what I can say to help, so I'm just saying everything.  It is really helping me too to get all of this out and I hope it's helping you to read it.  If I knew I was really helping someone like me, going through what I'm going through, that would really be one of my life's greatest accomplishments.  Getting clean forever would be the first great accomplishments of course, for both of us.

BEFORE YOU PICK UP THAT PHONE, SIT DOWN AND TYPE FIRST.  PLEASE PROMISE YOU WILL DO THAT.

[Scaredandalone1981]

You truly are helping me! 17 hours and I haven't picked up the phone! Every time I start to, I look at my little boy and get back on here and post. I feel awful but I know it will be worth it. I'm looking online to see if there are any local NA support groups that I can go to for additional help. I am SO ready for this to be over!

[andie15]

YOU ARE DOING SO GREAT! Truly you are.  You just keep marking off the hours and know that you are one hour closer.  And I know those hours are like days.  Keep looking at your little one and know that you are doing this at the perfect time.  Don't let him remember or know any other mother other than the great one you are!  And you really are a great person, wife and mother if you are willing to go through this for him and for your family and for you.  

LOOK AT HIS FACE, AGAIN AND AGAIN.

[liscamdave]

Well, first off, welcome to the forum. It is a great place for questions, advice and mostly support. We are all here for eachother. 2nd, you are doing good. So as hard as it is going to get, try not to lose focus on what's important and that's your sobriety. 3rd, and addict will only be able to quit then they truly, truly want to . Ask yourself this, did you only stop because you were out of meds or did you stop because you want to rid yourself of this demon. Because if you only stopped because you were out and can't get them, then when the script does replenish you might not have the will power to not go get them. However, I think you do. You can do it if you truly want to be done.

WIth me, everytime I would quit, would be because my dealer was out. And i had no choice but to go through w.d. Which was like twice a month. And he was my only contact. So I would have no choice. And I only had three real attempts at quitting. When I say real, I mean longer then 2 days. All three times I really tried to quit, I was clean for over two months. This being my longest I am staying strong and 8 months clean. But you see, the third time I quit, my dealer had thousand of them, but I decided enough was enough and I stopped. I got the proper aftercare I needed and I quit. So I knew it was different this time, because they were at my fignertips and I just wanted to stop. So good luck, and we are all here for you..

LIsa

[Scaredandalone1981]

Phew! Still hanging in here. I called my husband at work and told him that we needed to have a very important talk when he gets home this evening. He knew what I was talking about because I told him that I was finally admitting that I have a problem and I truly, with all my body and soul, want to be completely clean! He said okay, that he would see me at 5pm and that he'd stop and pick up some Gatorade for my upset tummy. I really hope he is supportive of me trying to quit. I've said a few times before that I knew I had a problem, but honestly, I never had any intentions of or wanted to quit when I said it. I would only say it when the pills were gone and I was using having a problem as an excuse to try and get a pity party and for someone to find me a fix. This time is different though. I know someone who has them and I'm sure I could call right now and they'd tell me to come and get a couple when my husband gets home. I WILL NOT do it though. I REFUSE to do it. I want my life back. I don't want to live anymore day to day just trying to get by before my refill is due. I called and told my family physician that I no longer wish to be a patient there. I am finding a new Dr. Don't get me wrong, as a pill popper (can you tell I'm thinking highly of myself today lol) I love my Dr. Just call and make an appointment for the next day and get a new script with 2-3 refills on my Xanax and Hydros. And if you run out of pain meds before your refill is due...No problem...So you fell and hurt your knee huh? Well it doesn't look swollen or injured but if you say it hurts then it must really hurt...Here's a script for 30 of the 7.5mg and don't forget to refill your 10mg script in a week when you're due for it! I will be telling my new Dr. upfront that I have an addiction to Xanax and Hydros and I do not ever want to on either medicine again. I will be taking only non-narcotic/non-addicting meds from now on and you'd better believe that I will be watching myself for any of my same old patterns of habit/addiction! Hey! 18 hours!

[rue10]

I love what you two are doing!!!!!!  This is banding together if I ever saw it.  This is what this forum is all about in my opinion.  Pulling each other up in the time of need.

I can relate to all of the internal mental struggles that we go through to talk ourselves into taking a pill to help us feel better.  That kept me popping pills for a good amount of years.  I know the shame, self loathing, deceit, All of it.  I also love the downhill uphill thing and will carry it around with me.  I have over 80 days but the mental cravings are just about killing me.  I come on here to suck the inspiration into my brain so I won't make a the call.

Keep posting.  We're all in this fight together.

[rue10]

No matter how your conversation turns out with your hubby, keep doing this for yourself.
That's the best proof of your willingness to get clean and you will show him by your actions.  Of course it's always better to have the support of your love ones...so I hope it goes well for you when you guys talk.

Mine is not supportive and would believe I couldn't quit and probably would say something hurtful (almost as if he wanted me to fail so he could say "I told you so.")  So I just don't tell him anything.  He doesn't know what I've been doing these past 80 days or so to try and be clean.  

I just say that because if you do it for you everyone else will benefit.

Stay strong.

[andie15]

That was such a huge step you just made by calling your doctor, that is absolutely wonderful.  Now what you have to do is call that pharmacy and cancel that refill you have. If you really want to show your husband you are serious and prove to yourself that you are serious, which it really sounds like you are, you would do that.  That would be a huge step and a very hard one.  Don't get me wrong, if someone told me to cancel a guaranteed bottle of pills, I would have a hard time doing it.  I think it's easier to accept what has to happen when you don't have any immediate access to them.  Just an idea, you have to be comfortable with what you are doing, I realize a stranger can't tell you how to handle your situation, as you know, you have to handle it for yourself.

KEEP GOING, 24 HOURS IS SO CLOSE!

TO RUE10 -thanks for that post, I hope this will help more people and as far as those cravings, I'm only at day 5, you are way ahead of me and I don't really have any right to give you any advice, but here it goes: DON'T DO IT, NOT WORTH IT.. JUST THINK ABOUT W/D AND THE DEPRESSION YOU WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH AGAIN, YOU ARE DOING AWESOME!  I AM LOOKING UP TO YOU!

[Jimmy1975]

Hello , Im Jim and im on day 16 and im at work and feeling GREAT ! My worst W/D now is the cravings that come now and then . I just get up and do something when it hits . I`m telling you this to see that there is a BRIGHT light at the end of that long tunnel your looking threw now . Soon you won`t be counting hours it will be days ! Then weeks and months and you will be feeling not only physically better but the world will look better then it did before you feel into this trap ! What I do to keep from going back to Mr. Vicodin is I FOCUS on the Hell I went through to get were I am and I stay on this forum with all these great people and thire support. You do the same and soon you`ll be helping others more then yourself just like alot of us do . Keep strong and we will help you threw the nightmare ......Jim

[andie15]

I just read your last post and I want to let you know that you can use us for your support.  Like I posted before, my husband does not know what I'm doing..  Just today he asked me why I was in such a good mood and I said, "I don't know, I just am" and the next thing he asked me was if I had pills, and I could finally answer "no" and mean it, that was such an awesome feeling!  I want so badly to tell him how good I feel I am doing but I can't and that's why this place is a God-sent for me.  So if you ever need support or just someone to tell how great or how lousy you are doing, you let me know.  And you are doing great, don't let ANYONE tell you you're not.

[Scaredandalone1981]

A bit over 17 hours now and this is AWFUL. This has been such a lllooonnnggg day but I know I'll get through it, especially with the awesome support system I have here!

[rue10]

Could you watch a movie?  Believe it or not, I watched movies and sort of was able to "forget" the w/ds for a while.  It really did help to get my mind off how awful I felt.

[Jimmy1975]

Exactly ! There are alot of people in all stages of W/D s on here and we stand together to help one another . You are one of us now .Jim

[Scaredandalone1981]

Oh my. Believe it or not I'm still here. I feel like I'm going insane, but I'm here. I will definetely try watching some movies. Lucky I keep tons of my favorite movies in the house at all times so I will definetely give it a shot! Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much support you have been to me today. If not for you all, I know I wouldv'e broken down and already made the dreaded "fix" phone call but I am still here and adding up the hours of being clean! 18 1/2 hours now!!!