Relapse Big Time Need a Way Out

[HarveyG]

Well I have relapse my own fault,
Love affair with Oxys thinking 1 day won't hurt, then it was 2 days, 3 days and without even knowing I was hooked again,
It's been a few months of constant using, recently when I couldn't get any oxys I did H which is what scared me the most,
Sort of lost control of my life, my dog passing away didn't help at all, just made it even more harder and sadly I used it as a excuse to use more,
Feel terrible and lost,
I have set out a detox plan with the help of subutex and tomorrow need to stay strong and start this 7 day treatment,
I'm doing a home detox as my family and friend do not know that I have been addicted to drugs,
Feel ashamed just thinking about the mess I got myself back into,
Plus feel really bad for letting everyone down after the support I got from this site last time around when I got clean...

[HarveyG]

Well its my 2nd day and honestly do feel better then yesterday,
I have really mild WD so haven't touch any subs today and it's been more then 17 hours,
Will carry on till WD hit me hard before even considering taking any,
Plus it's been a really nice hot summers day in London so going for a walk,
Only thing I have notice is that I don't feel Hungary, for being 6 ft call I am skinny as it is but extremely skinny at the moment

[HarveyG]

Agree, support is needed as otherwise it will lead you back to using and you end up doing a full circle,
The subs are a great aid but only if you use for a maximum of 2 weeks, any more then there have a hold of you and coming if at a later stage is much more hard,
I tried cutting the subs with a pill cutter but finding it hard to make 1 mg and 0.5 mg,
As towards the end of the taper I will go down to 0.5mg before I stop completely,
I do have sleep aid as I get a prescription from the doctor for valium,  she given me a 2 weeks supply which I won't use unless I really am bad and can sleep at all, if I manage 4/5 hrs sleep I will be happy with that,
London is full of pill heads now so it's really hard even talking to people, today I had to go down to London Bridge for work and constantly saw people I know that use, was hard to turn my back to them but now back home I am glad  I did,
Praying for a better day tomorrow and staying strong,

Thanks to everyone who has commented, means a lot and will take all your advice and print them out so when I do feel down, I'll read them to make myself feel better...

Thanks again

[VICourageous]

Yep! WE all have to have SUPPORT in all areas of or life! I do hope this time you keep going to those meetings and also try to do both AA/NA. You pick up so much more in both.
Lots of CHANGES have to be made and this is a MUST!
I had gotten clean back in 2012 and thought all was going good!!
I had almost 18m in when I lost both my Parents and my Dog and other family members in a 90 day period. I think my Lord I had UP my Support or I would not be here today..As Addicts we are used to running and hiding when Life throws us them curve balls..I also understand Addiction in a more Scientific way. You feed it one and that ol tape in the Brain (mid-brain/survival) will remember this pleasure and off it goes thinking of nothing but the Substance.
As far as the Subs go..YOU should (my opinion) use this for only a Short Time and at a Very Low Dose..Meanwhile working on Recovery by getting that outside Support. This can help as a small tool as you hit those Support groups and learn so much more... Recovery is a life long Journey for us Addicts. As you grow more and more you will learn how to deal with Life without running and hiding under a Substance..You bet your sweet ash it takes a lot of WORK!!! I do wish you the best and this Time around do some things different.
Welcome Back!!
Bless

[HarveyG]

Aftercare plan is a must if you need to stay clean,
Found this out the hard way,
Well just started the subs detox now and finger crossed it works out this time

[weaver71]

That's good to hear, aftercare was what I resisted for years, but it was what made all the difference this last time. I think you have a much better plan, way to go.

[HarveyG]

The only difference to last time was 2 main things, firstly I abused the subs which left me in WD for 2 weeks and 2nd I didn't setup any aftercare as I really thought I didn't need it, that was a big mistake and would have helped when my temptation crept in,
Today after waiting 16 hrs I started my detox, plus have phone around for a NA group which will be more suited for me,

[nursegirl6572]

You've gotten great advice, I hope you take it.

At some point you have to realize that what you've been doing isn't working, and you need to make some big changes.  

You cannot have easy access, and you must have support.  That means telling your dirty little secret.  If you don't, it will always be a lot easier to give in to your addict brain in those moments.  You have no accountability, addicts cannot be accountable to themselves.  

Life is always going to happen, there will ALWAYS be MANY reasons you think you should use....a loss, job problems, money problems, relationship issues, etc.  However, all you need to do is to find ONE reason NOT to use, and hang onto that, for dear life if you have to.

I'm sorry to say, but if you try to get clean in the same way you have before, you'll be setting yourself up for another relapse.  WANTING it isn't enough.  You have to WORK for it and AT it...and it certainly won't be easy, but it will be SO worth it.

Good luck to you....keep posting.

[jifmoc]

Greetings from across the pond btw, nice to know there are pillheads in London, too (a little sick humor.)

Thanks for the sentiments about my Mom, oh God, it's so hard: it was lung cancer that did her in. Effin cigarettes.

Anyway, I just wanted to add listen to WEAVER 71. In every post he has amazing, clear, empathetic advice.

[lulu747]

Don't just HOPE it will be the last time.  MAKE it the last time.  You have to believe in yourself 100% and on the days that you don't- get to a meeting and cut the thing off at the knees before it has a chance to run.
You picking up what I'm putting down?
Commit to yourself and your recovery.  Make it your full time job.  Your life is at stake and your life is precious.
Lu

[HarveyG]

Hi toothfairie yeah its been a while,
I messed up, but going to stay strong and go through with it and hoping this will be the last time

[weaver71]

Quitting in secret is similar to using for one day, few ever are able to do it. The sub will get you through some of the physical detox, especially the way you are describing your plan, but that is all it really does. You made it through detox last time, so what are you going to do different after the subs? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I bet those you love know something is up with you, it may put them at ease to know why and what you are doing about it. If you don't tell your family, I highly suggest going to meetings and seek some addiction counseling, at the least. Drugs get really mixed in with all aspects of our lives. To change the one thing, drug use, almost always entails changing all aspects of our lives. It is very difficult to do that alone and without anyone wondering why you are making so many changes. After 2 years, I am still fine tuning my recovery and talking to my family about it. I relapsed for 2 1/2 years and finally asked for help from everyone. That is the one thing I did different this last time, and it obviously was the one thing missing. Detox really is the easy part, staying clean is what requires all the life changes and support. Anyone with some time will agree, that's how i finally realized it was true. How could so many sober addicts be wrong, making me the one who was right? It's great you have a plan for detox, but I really hope you really think about what changes you are gonna make to STAY clean this time. I'm really glad you are back and facing your reality, and I agree, giving up is failure,  making a mistake is not failure. Hang in there and never stop growing. All these lessons will be important to you and others in the long run.

[lulu747]

Hey man and welcome back (:

You aren't letting any one down.  What's important is that you are back and you have a plan in place.  You have to look at what you did before and what didn't work and then make changes.  Doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity and IMO the definition of active addiction.
I know you feel ashamed- don't.  Beating yourself up is a waste of precious energy that can be better utilized in getting yourself well and into a good aftercare program where You can identify triggers, and start to fill the void that you filled with pills with positivity and self love.  Recovery is a life long journey which requires strength, commitment, and being GENTLE with yourself.
Treating yourself like a precious object will make you STRONG.  Trust me on this one.
We're all here rooting for you.
Wishing you peace...
Lu

[toothfairie]

Hi there....i remember you from awhile back....sorry you are back here but glad you are reaching out for support!  You can do it, just set yourself up for success and do what you have to. You will get thru it, just be careful with the subutex...that's a whole other beast if you're not careful.  Good luck and keep us updated on your progress!  

[HarveyG]

Thanks for the support jifmoc and brokenchains,
Jifmoc sorry about your mum passing away,
I have been using constantly for the pass 3 month maybe just over, 320 mg of oxys everyday, the last 2 weeks I have reduce my habit down to 60 mg a day and last 2 days 40 mg,
This last week I have waited 12 hrs till I have been in WD before I use,
As I have abused pain meds all my life I know myself that I need to stop and try and turn my life around again,
Where I live in London there is a support group but it's right next to my work place so have stayed away from going inside, there are others but honestly haven't looked,
Subutex is a addiction on its own but long as you do a 1 week or 2 week detox it is a great aid and help,
My mate just completed a 2 week detox he set out for himself and this is his 4th week clean of oxys,
I wrote down a timetable for a 8 day detox which I will be starting tomorrow, mentally I don't know how strong I will be but I want to belive I can do it this time and stay well clear from pain meds

[Brokenchains]

You can do it if you want to. we are all here for support, not judgment. I thought my family would be ashamed. I thought telling my doctor would be embarrassing and he would be upset. But, my wife was right by my side helping me thru W/D and my family was supportive. My doctor shook my hand and congratulated me. I think having a support system is a huge help during aftercare. Going to a support group has a huge part in success. Set your self up to succeed. FAILURE TO PREPARE IS PREPARING TO FAIL. You got this, you can do it!!

[jifmoc]

Hey Harvey, your story sounds familiar to mine. Last year I quit norcos, and stayed clean...for a while. Then, My Mom got lung cancer and 2 months ago, she passed. So yes, in the last few months I started using again. Not back to where I was,using wise, but, still. I've stopped now and it's a bummer but I've been posting like crazy.

Please don't feel ashamed, even though I feel exactly the same as you. We expect perfection, and it doesn't work that way. I have yet to meet a person who got clean and stayed clean on their first try. (Maybe one guy.)

I don't know anything about using H, but I know you don't wanna go there (as you know.) How long have you been using it? And how often?

You may wanna chat w/ folks that have tried subutex, lots of different opinions on that.

But, guess what? You fell, and now you're getting back up. (Me, too, again.) They say failure is staying down and NOT trying. You are not a failure! You are trying to get your life back, good for you!!!